Guys after struggling to figure out how to end this, I think I've finally got it
I feel small hands on my face and a weight on my chest, causing me to shift around in bed and open my eyes.
Bright blue eyes stare back at me. Bennett grins down at me.
"Morning Mama!" he says happily.
I smile.
"Good morning baby," I say, turning my head to the side to see Liam, but he's not there.
That's when I realize the entire house smells like bacon.
"Bennett!" I hear Liam calling downstairs. "You better not be waking up Mommy!"
Bennett's eyes get wide.
"Shhh!" he whispers to me. I laugh.
I really don't mind waking up with the kids, and Liam knows that, but since I work twelve-hour night shifts three days a week, Liam worries that I'm not getting enough sleep.
He usually tries as hard as he can to get me to sleep in late. My body does need the sleep and I could easily sleep until three in the afternoon on most days because I'm up all night and my body is just used to that, but I don't like sleeping in late. I prefer to get up in the morning and see the kids, but Liam is always so worried about my health.
I hear footsteps coming up the stairs, and a moment later, Linzie sticks her head into the bedroom.
"Liam told me to come see if Bennett was in here," she says, looking at me and my Bennett, who is sitting on my stomach. "I'm sorry." She says. "You must be so tired."
"I'm alright," I say to her.
She moves farther into the room and shuts the door behind her, moving closer to me and Bennett.
"Honestly, I'm actually so glad you're awake because Liam's father is here for breakfast." She whispers. "And Liam seems really stressed and I haven't really been around him in a long time. I think he's nervous or something, but his Dad is helping with the kids and trying to talk to Liam but...I mean, they don't know each other that well."
"Liam called William?" I ask her.
"Yeah," she says. "I asked him if I should wake you up and he told me you needed sleep."
"Oh, I'm definitely up now." I say. "Benny, do you mind going downstairs with Auntie Lindsay while Mommy gets dressed?" I ask, brushing my fingers through my son's hair.
"Okay."
I sit up and Bennett gives me a hug, and then goes downstairs with Lindsay, who mouths please hurry to me.
I take a deep breath and nod back to her before going into the bathroom.
I brush my hair and teeth and put on a sports bra. I stay in my pajamas because I don't want it to be obvious to Liam that I already knew his Dad was here, and then I grab my phone off the charger and make my way downstairs, my mind trying to come up with anything I can remember about Liam's father.
Truthfully, I don't remember much. I was only friends with Liam for about a year before his Dad left.
I had no idea he had been fighting to get his son back the whole time.
God, Liam could have been raised in a loving home, not put against the wall and choked as a teenager.
My dislike for his mother grows as I think of the image of teenage Liam against a wall by his throat.
When I walk in the kitchen, Liam is kneeling in front of Bennett.
"What did I tell you about waking up Mommy? She works very hard to take care of us, kiddo. She needs her sleep."
"Good morning," I say, loud enough to make everyone look at me.
"I'm sorry," Liam looks apologetic. "I know how tired you are."
"You know I don't like sleeping anyways," I shrug. Bennett runs off to play with his brother and Liam gives me a kiss on the cheek. He looks stressed out, so I give him a gentle smile and turn towards William, who still has on his coat and shoes.
"You can take your coat off," I tell him. "I'll hang it up for you."
"Oh, thank you," he sheds his coat. "I don't mind hanging it up."
"Oh no, it's alright," I give him a warm smile and take it from his outstretched hand. I walk into the living room and hang it up at the rack behind the front door, and then walk back to the kitchen where Liam is digging through the pantry.
"Need help?" I ask.
"I can't find the coffee filters. I've been looking for them for twenty minutes." He says.
I can practically feel his stress.
I reach out, move the olive oil to the side, and grab the stack of coffee filters.
"I swear I looked there." He says as he takes them from my hand.
We're close enough to be seen by everyone in the kitchen but not heard.
I put my hand on his arm.
"You're okay, alright. You're doing great," I say softly.
He kisses my forehead and mutters, "I guess. Thank for the filters." And then goes back to the coffee pot.
As the coffee brews, he starts making the eggs while the bacon sits wrapped in aluminum foil.
As the coffee finishes, Liam pours four cups and accidentally spills some on the counter. He wipes it up with a rag and throws it in the sink, and he seems so nervous, I just want to go give him a hug.
"Dad, how do you take your coffee?"
"I can make it," William starts to get up.
"No, it's okay." Liam shakes his head.
"Well-"
"Daddy, I can't find my Woody!" Theo interrupts, tugging at Liam's shirt.
Liam looks even more stressed.
"Okay Theo, just give me a minute." Liam says.
"I'll help you find it," I volunteer.
Theo walks away from Liam and William finishes telling Liam how he likes his coffee, and I find the toy under the couch and hand it to Theo.
By the time I get back to the kitchen, Liam knocks over the entire container of sugar all over the counter just as he reaches for the milk juice, which spills al over the sugar pile.
I press the back of my hand to my mouth and watch as he braces himself against the counter and every vein in both of his arms are popping out and I know he's literally about to lose it.
William looks between me and Liam, who may actually start screaming any moment.
I get a handheld broom and a small dust pan from the cleaning closet and walk over to Liam.
I remove my wedding and engagement rings and set them on the edge of the sink, and then I help Liam clean up the sugary milk.
When the counter is spotless and not sticky, Liam washes the nastiness off his hands.
I wash my hands and put my rings back on, and then Liam just stands there.
"The bacon is cold." He mutters. "It's cold."
"That's okay. We can fix this." I smile at him.
I refill the sugar and put what's left of the milk back once everyone has their coffee made. I put the bacon on a paper towel and microwave it for a couple of seconds until it's hot again, and then I wrap it back up. I make the eggs while he does the pancakes, and twenty minutes later we're sitting down to breakfast.
"It was starting to feel like we were never going to eat," Liam mutters. His Dad laughs a little and I smile.
For a couple of very long minutes, the only sound is the silver ware clanking, and then William clears his throat.
"Savannah, I want to apologize," he tells me.
I frown. "What for?"
"I misjudged you," he admits. "I thought you were trying to keep Liam away from me, but it's clear that's not the case. I'm sorry that I ever thought that. I'm very happy Liam found you. You guys are very much in love. That much is clear."
"Oh. Well that's okay."
"I'm sorry but why did you think she was trying to keep me away from you?" Liam asks. He doesn't sound angry, he sounds genuinely curious.
"The first interaction I had with her since she was a little girl was when I showed up at her parents house with your mother and Andrew. She told me all she had to thank me for was getting your Mom pregnant. The next time was out front in the truck when she told me to leave you alone. The third time was the night I told you the truth about your childhood, and after you left, she told me to leave. Then yesterday was the last time, where she told me I needed to leave and if I didn't hear from you, I should just go home. It all seemed like she was trying to keep you away from me."
Liam shakes his head.
"Dad, she's the reason I called you this morning," Liam says quietly. "Last night before we went to bed, I told her I wanted to have a relationship with you but I was scared, and she told me if she didn't do things just because she was scared, she never would have left her parents' house. All she wants for me is what's best. After you left that morning when she talked to you at the truck, she told me it was you. She didn't hide it from me. If she was trying to keep you away from me, she never would have told me."
"I know. I know that now. Savannah, I'm so sorry."
"It's alright." I tell him.
_________
After dinner, William helped clean up and then told us he had a flight to catch. Liam dropped him off at the airport and when he came home, he was in a good mood, but he seemed uncomfortable. He told me he was feeling neutral about his Dad. He was glad it went well but he felt weird that there wasn't much to talk about.
He mentioned having Mason and Sofie over and I could tell he wanted to have people over so he could have a distraction, so I invited everyone over after dinner for a fire.
Everyone but my mother, and to my complete surprise, they all came.
Liam and Mason lit the fire, and now we're all sitting around the fire. Bennett is sitting in my lap wrapped in a blanket and he's asleep with his head on my shoulder. Theo is sitting on the ground in front of me with his head against my leg, and Eloise is curled up against Liam, who is sitting in a camp chair with a blanket over him and Eloise.
Everyone else brought their own chairs and we're all seated in the back yard just watching the flames lick away at the wood.
Sofie yawns and then stretches obnoxiously.
"Alright, this is boring." She breaks the comfortable silence. "Let's play a game."
"Like what?" Aiden asks. He came, but his parents are apparently out on a date, and my Dad stayed home, leaving me and Liam, Lindsay, Sofie and Mason, Noah and Aria and their kids, Aiden, and last but not least, Isabelle, who came as Aiden's guest.
And they're sitting next to each other, closer than Liam and I are, which makes me smile.
"I don't know," she says. "Truth or dare."
"This isn't a middle school sleepover," Noah says. Sofie laughs a little and Noah smiles.
"Alright. Um. Let's play a game where we all, like, ask a question and everyone has to answer it honestly. No lying. I'll start."
We all just kind of shrug in agreement, and I put my hand on Bennett's head when he moves slightly in my lap.
"Okay...if somebody liked you, what would they like about you?"
"That's a stupid question," Liam laughs.
"Can you think of something better?" she snaps. He sniggers and shakes his head. "Okay then."
"Okay, so now you have to answer your own question." I tell her.
"Okay. Uh, I don't know. My hair. Mason, you're next."
"My personality."
Everyone keeps going around with dumb things like "my hair, my eyebrows."
"Savannah, you're next," Sofie says.
"My eyes. Like, the way they are in the sun. My hair, when it's curled and not curled. The way my nose crinkles when I laugh. I guess. I don't know."
Everyone is quiet for a moment.
"What?" I ask defensively. "I'm repeating Liam's words."
Everyone looks at Liam, but he's looking at me.
"You have very smooth skin," He adds.
"Alright lovebirds, it's your turn Liam." Sofie says.
"My muscles," he says immediately. "I mean, my eyes and personality and such to, but my muscles." He grins. "They're Savannah's favorite."
"I've never told you that," I say to him with a frown.
He looks at me and smirks.
"You didn't have to. You make it very obvious."
"But-" I try.
"Tell me I'm wrong." He says.
"I mean, you're right, but how did you..."
"You grab them. Like, all the time. You touch them when you pass me in the kitchen, when you're moving around me to grab something. You grab them during other private activities. Honestly, if I started getting fat, I'm worried you would never love me anymore."
"You grab his muscles during sex?" Sofie asks me.
My eyes flick down to Theo, who's sleeping against my leg, and then at my nieces and nephews, who are also asleep, and I feel my face heating up, but denying it is pointless, so I say, "Yeah, I do."
Everyone snickers and as they start to go onto the next person, I lean closer to Liam and whisper.
"If you were fat, I would love you just as much as I do now. I love so much more about you than just your body."
"I know," he tells me. "I love you."
"I love you too."
The circles goes back to Sofie, who passes the next question onto Mason.
"Okay. Um, have you ever accidentally hit something with your car? If so, when?"
Oh shit.
I tense up as everyone goes around, and then they stop at me.
"Uh, you said we have to answer honestly, right?" I look at Sofie.
"Duh." She responds.
"Okay, uh, yes."
"When?" Mason asks.
"Like three hours ago." I mumble.
"What?" Liam asks.
"I backed over the trash can, but I didn't see it!"
"Your car has a backup camera, Savannah." He says.
"I told you don't trust those things," I shake my head.
"We just bought that car like a week and a half ago." He says.
"There weren't any marks." I mumble. "I'm sorry Liam, I didn't mean to."
"It's alright," he says. "It happens. But please glance at the camera every now and again."
"I will."
We finish the circle, and the game just keeps going. It stops on Isabelle.
"Okay, if you could see and talk to somebody who is dead for five minutes, who would it be?" she asks. "Mine is my Uncle Jackson."
"My grandma." Aiden says. Everyone looks at me.
"Oh, I uh..." I really don't want to answer this question.
"Come on dude, it's a judgement free circle." Sofie says.
"Damien." I say.
Everyone gets really quiet, and the only side is the fire crackling for a couple of seconds.
"Damien?" Isabelle repeats. "Who is that?"
Aiden whispers to her and she goes, "oh."
Everyone is quiet for a another few seconds.
"I'm sorry dude, I've known you for a while but I didn't know about any of this part of your life but I just have to ask...why? Why would you want to see him again?" Isabelle blurts. "If you don't want to answer, it's fine?"
"No, it's alright," I clear my throat. "I don't know. I guess I just really want to look him in the eye. I want him to see me. I want him to remember that I'm smarter than him, and that I won. That's all."
"Bro, that's dark." Mason says.
"Well it's the truth." I say. And since I really don't want to talk about it anymore, I look at Liam. "What about you?"
He's watching me with sadness in his eyes, and then he sighs and since it's a cold night in early November, his breath puffs out in front of his face.
"Can we touch this person?" he asks.
"Yes," Isabelle says. "For five minutes this person is alive. It would be just like they're alive."
"Damien," Liam says immediately.
"What?" I ask. "Why?"
"Because I want to hurt him." he says. "And I know I went through a violent stage as a teenager, but I have never, ever, in my entire existence, wanted to physically harm somebody and watch them bleed out more than Damien."
"You could go to jail. If they were alive for five minutes, you could go to jail." Lindsay says.
"Yeah I don't care," Liam shakes his head and he has a dark look in his eye that makes me want to take my daughter from his arms.
Liam turns to Noah and the look is gone. "What about you?"
"You would kill somebody who is going to disappear forever in five minutes, and spend the rest of your life in jail?" I ask before Noah can answer. "For what? There's nothing to gain from that."
For some reason, that makes me mad.
"Yes." Liam says. "I would."
My face screws up. "Why? He's going to die anyways."
"Yeah but it would be nice to watch him suffer."
"But you would go to jail and suffer in jail, and you would never see me or the kids ever again. You would give all of this up for five minutes alone with Damien?" I ask.
"Yes."
"Just to watch him suffer?" I ask again.
"Savannah, yes. What aren't you getting? Yes. Yes, I want five minutes alone with him. I want to watch him suffer."
"But why-"
"He didn't give a shit when you were suffering. You still have nightmares sometimes. You still get nervous going out in public sometimes. All of that, all of the issues with your Mom, all of the things you have ever struggled with, are because of him, so yes, I want five minutes with him, and I would give up everything to have it."
The look of hatred in his eyes...
It's like he's a completely different person.
Everyone is dead silent.
And I am genuinely scared.
"You're angry." He states. He's not asking.
I open my mouth to lie to him, and then I close it.
"Guys, this isn't actually going to happen." Isabelle says. "I'm sorry. I wouldn't have asked that question if I knew..." she trails off.
Without a word, I rouse Theo and have him stand up, and then I take his hand and carry Bennett into the house.
I put Bennett into bed and tuck Theo in, and then go back downstairs.
"Savannah, why are you mad?" Liam looks irritated, and when I walk over to him, he stands up with Eloise, who is asleep.
I hold my hands out for her, but he shakes his head.
"Liam, give me the baby." I say, my eyes piercing into his like knives.
He hands her to me and I take her straight upstairs to put her to bed, and then I go back downstairs to grab my blanket, but Liam stands up the moment I get close to him.
"Why are you mad?" he demands. "I don't get it. Why are you angry?"
I reach the back door when he speaks again.
"You're telling me that if you got five minutes alone with him, you would just talk to him? I don't understand why you're mad! He's a terrible person, Savannah, and-"
"And you're not Liam!" I whip around and stalk over to him. "The image of you standing over somebody, regardless of who it is, while they're bleeding out and your hands are covered in blood? It's sick. It disgusts me! And for your information, no, if I had five minutes with him, I would not hurt him. I had an opportunity to kill him and Sabrina! I could have done it but I didn't, because that's not who I am, and I thought that wasn't who you were either, but I guess I was wrong!"
I turn around to go, but this time, he grabs my arm. His touch is very gentle.
"Savanah, wait." His voice is calmer now, and his tone makes me turn around. He looks upset, and my heart twinges in pain because I hate fighting with him. "You're telling me you never wanted to hurt Andrew?"
"Wanting to slap somebody and leaving is different than wanting to watch somebody bleed out in front of me, Liam." I respond, gently pulling my arm out of his grasp.
"I'm sorry, I probably shouldn't, but I'm going to butt in." Noah says. I hear Aria whispering protests, but he stands up. The fire is flickering across Liam's face and he looks frustrated and upset. "Let's switch the roles here. Savannah, you're a kid, you're best friends with Liam and...Adrienne."
"Hey!" Aiden says.
"It's just a scenario." Noah says.
"Savannah, you finally got your best friend and boy you've liked for a long time to do a school project with you, alone, but Adrienne likes Liam too, so Adrienne stole your phone and texted him that you switched partners, so Liam takes the bus home."
"Liam gets off the bus and a few houses down from his front door, a car pulls up and grabs Liam. You think he's dead. Everyone thinks he's dead, because a few days pass and you keep holding out for the phone call that he's okay and he's been at a friends house this whole time, but a few days turn to weeks, and weeks turn to months, and months turn to years, and you carry on your life hating Adrienne for killing Liam, and meanwhile, Liam is locked in a house with two crazy people trying to make some extra cash on their taxes. He's abused, and beaten, and thrown down a staircase to fight for himself. And he was a child. He was just a child. And one day you're walking into class and you see him sitting in your seat, and you realize that this annoying kid in your seat is that guy that you had feelings for as a kid, feelings that you thought went away, but come back full force when you see him. And he opens up to you after you tell him that Adrienne sent that text. You learn where he's been, everything that happened to him, that he has frequent nightmares, that he's just struggling. And you're there. You help him get used to going out again, you show him the world. You call him when he has nightmares. And you see better than anybody, you see firsthand, what he's been through. You really, really want to sit here and tell me that you, the girl who's been in love with the kid that got kidnapped for so long wouldn't want to kill the person responsible? You want to tell us that if you got five minutes alone with the person that beat and abused Liam for six years, the person that caused Liam after almost two decades of being free to still have nightmares, you would just talk to them?"
Liam looks at me like he's waiting for me to answer him, but all I see in my head is me as Liam and he's the one that was taken and I can see Liam laying on the floor with his back against the wall while Damien repeatedly kicks him in the head and the stomach and the legs until he has broken bones, and then Damien just tosses him down the stairs.
I look into Liam's eyes, and he's okay and he's right here, but I can't get the image of Liam lying at the bottom of the stairs out of my head.
And then the image changes and it's me and the weight of everything I've been through in my life just comes crashing down on me because it's different to hear everything that happened to me get put into words because somehow hearing somebody else speak the memories that keep me up at night makes it feel real.
And everything feels wrong. It all feels wrong.
And even though I'm standing outside surrounded by people who love me, I have never felt so alone in my whole life, and the next thing I know I'm walking away.