I sit in the sand, staring at the ocean. The beaches in Oregon are nothing in comparison to Hawaii. The water is crystal clear in Hawaii. The sand is a beautiful cream color and perfect. Oregon sand is like dirt, the ocean is dark, and it just makes me feel out of place.
My legs are against my chest and tears drip onto my jeans as my chin sits on my knees.
How did I get to this point? Everything in my life feels wrong. It feels like I just woke up one day and became a completely different person. I want to feel like myself. I don't even recognize my mother anymore. She claims she's trying to help, but she knows she only making things worse, yet she continues to do it.
She made it seem like it was my fault that she didn't help me, her sixteen year old child, after I got home from my kidnapping.
And I sit here now, on this unfamiliar beach, and think of my own children.
How could a mother do that? How could she let me come home and not fight tooth and nail to make sure I felt as safe and happy as I could? How could she hand me off to a seventeen year old? She knew I was having nightmares and all she would do was come in and wake me up. My Dad was there sometimes. He at least came in and sat with me until I fell asleep. He asked me if I wanted to talk to a therapist, but my Mom never did, and I don't understand how she can twist everything I said to make herself out to be the victim.
And I hate that I still hold out hope that she's going to show up and apologize and mean it this time.
I feel so betrayed. I cried in her arms the other day. Did it mean anything to her?
Seeing what happened today just fortifies the fact that it didn't. If it did, she wouldn't have gone and did what she did. And it also explains why she was the one who decided to make our "girls day" a family day instead. She changed the whole plan just to get Liam there.
I blink and feel hot tears roll down my cheeks.
Sniffling, I reach out and grab my phone off the blanket beneath me. I have tons of messages and missed calls from my Dad, Sofie, Aria, Noah, and Mason, and even Lindsay, but only one message from Liam.
Buddy: hey just let me know if you need anything, okay? I love you.
I smile through my tears, because he's the one who has always been there for me. He's the one who understands me.
I wipe at my eyes and text him back.
Me: I love you too.
The message goes to read fairly quickly. I watch as the typing bubble pops up and then disappears.
That's how I know he's worried, so I stand up, shake off my blanket, and walk towards his truck.
I took an uber home and then took his truck out to the beach an hour and a half away since he had my car for the kids.
I crank the engine, connect my phone, and start driving back home.
________
It's just after dark when I finally get home, and I can't help but feel happy that nobody else is here except for the kids and Liam. I kill the engine to the truck and walk up the driveway. I unlock the front door and silence the alarm.
The lights are all off downstairs, but I can see light coming down the staircase, along with laughter.
I smile tiredly and head upstairs, opening the bathroom door where the laughter is coming from.
Eloise is sitting on the floor with toys, and Liam has Bennett and Theo in the tub and they're playing with their bath toys.
"Hi Mommy!" Theo grins at me.
"Hey baby." I reply. Liam glances over his shoulder at me and smiles, and I feel my heart warm.
I'm just so tired of being upset with my mother all the time. All I need in my life is this, right here. The five of us are everything I need.
I sit down on the closed toilet lid and Eloise pulls herself up with her chubby little hands, resting her palms on my knees.
I reach out and pick her up, kissing her cheek. She yawns and I can't help but smile at how adorable she is.
I rest my hand on her head to gently run my fingers through her hair, and I feel that it's damp, which means she got a bath first.
"Are you okay, Mommy?" Theo asks suddenly.
I look at him in confusion. "Of course. Why do you ask?"
He shrugs.
"It's just that Grandma was really mean to you at the park today and then you left. Where did you go?"
"I just went to the beach." I say. "Mommy just needed some time alone."
"Are you better now?" he asks me.
"I am better." I nod.
"Grandma has been mean to you a lot lately." Theo frowns. "It makes me sad that she could do that. You're my Mommy, and you would never be mean to me like that."
My smile fades slightly, because Theo is right.
I wouldn't do any of this to him. I would let him and his future wife deal with their problems on their own, because I would understand that they're adults and it's their marriage and their life.
And more importantly, if any one of my children were kidnapped, I would not stop fighting.
I would not stop looking. I would not stop trying to make sure the people I have left are happy.
Because it's not only about me. She practically abandoned Noah. He was so upset that he left Oahu. She got divorced from my Dad, and I look at Liam and try to put myself in my Mom's shoes, but they just don't fit.
If one of my kids were taken, I would put everything I have into finding them. I would give everything to make sure my other children were happy and that they understand it's not their fault, and I would try as hard as I can to keep my marriage intact.
And if my kidnapped child got to come home? I would stay with them. I would wake them up from their nightmares and lay with them in bed if that's what they need. I would help them feel safe again. I would show them everything I know about what they missed while they were gone so they would feel okay.
And as I sit here with my family, I just don't understand her. The more I try to grasp it, the less sense it makes.
And I know it's time for me to cut her out of my life. I want to focus on my family. My kids don't need to see me upset all the time and frankly, I'm tired of being upset all the time.
"Sav?" My eyes snap onto Liam's warm blue-grey ones. "Are you okay?"
I muster a smile and nod. "I'm alright."
________
After I had dinner and the kids went to bed, Liam told me he wanted to watch some TV, but I was tired so I went upstairs to read my book in the tub.
I hear the bedroom door open and Liam moving around, and a few moments later, he walks into the bathroom and stands in front of the tub in sweatpants and no shirt with his hands in his pockets.
I mark my page and set my book to the side, raising my eyebrows at him.
He sits down on the floor in front of the tub.
"We should talk." He says.
Any time anybody starts a conversation with we should talk, I instantly assume the worst.
"Okay," I sit up. "I'll get out..."
"No, you're okay." He smiles. "I just want to talk to you about a few things."
"Okay." I say.
"Where do you stand with your Mom? You've been so upset lately. I just want to know how you want to handle this."
I rub my forehead and sigh.
"I think I want to cut her out of my life."
He sighs and I study his reaction closely.
"If that's what you want to do, I think you should do it. Or maybe just tell her you want some space."
"Yeah, you're right."
He's quiet for a few more seconds, and then he sighs.
"I want to tell you something but I'm very afraid of how you're going to react."
"Why?" I wonder.
"Because every time I tell you something that you may not like, I get nervous that you're going to get upset and want a divorce."
My mind is immediately taken back two years ago.
The back door slams and I toss my cup into the sink, glaring at Liam when he walks in the house.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
"Because you're being selfish."
"For what Savannah? We wanted another kid! We discussed this! We wanted four! Now all of the sudden I tell you I want another baby and I'm selfish?"
"I just gave birth to Bennett-"
"And I told you I didn't mean right now!" he yells at me.
"I don't ever want to be pregnant again, Liam! It's exhausting!"
"Well we could get a surrogate!"
"I don't want somebody else to carry our child!"
"See? That's fucking selfish! You refuse to carry another baby, but you don't want a surrogate!"
"I just don't want another kid! What is so fucking difficult for you to understand?"
"Just forget it! I give up. I'm done."
He lowers his voice until he's practically whispering.
"Fighting with you is exhausting. I'm not sure how we can come to an agreement here. It's been two months of nonstop arguing and I just-I don't think I can take another second of it."
My throat is tight, because we've been arguing every single day for two months straight.
I blink, and tears fall from my eyes, and it feels like the first real moment we've had in so long.
"Maybe we should just...get a divorce."
The word tastes like poison in my mouth, and the look on his face...
"What?" he whispers.
And I remember. I remember the day Liam first told me he loved me. I told Sofie that the worst that could happen was we would break up and never talk again.
The thought of being without Liam makes me want to die. I don't want to be on this planet without him. He's everything.
And I see tears roll down his face. He swallows hard. "Is that what you want?" his voice is filled with desolation, and the next thing I know, I'm crying. Hysterically. The silent kind, where your whole body shakes with sobs and you can't breathe.
"N-no," I choke, and I try to explain, but the words just can't leave my mouth. I lean against the kitchen island and bury my face in my hands, and this is worse.
This is worse than the kidnapping. The beatings. The broken ribs. This is worse than anything I've ever felt before.
This is my worst fear. I would rather be taken by Damien and cut to pieces inch by inch.
This is the fear that has kept me up almost all night for two months straight while my husband sleeps on the couch downstairs. This is the fear that makes me feel like a walking zombie.
This is like a living nightmare.
My eyes, blurry, glance at the clock. 3:02AM.
And then I hear a sniffle and I look at Liam, and he's sitting at the kitchen table with his forehead on the table and his shoulders are shaking, and that's when I realize he's sobbing, too.
Maybe it's because I just need to feel something other than pain. Maybe it's because he's crying, but my feet carry me across the kitchen, and he looks up at me with tears in his eyes when I stop in front of him, and I find myself climbing into his lap and kissing him for the first time in two months, tangling my fingers in his hair. His arms wrap around me, pulling me against him so tightly that I can barely breathe, and I can taste salty tears against our lips and I'm not sure if it's his or mine, and I know the truth without a shadow of a doubt.
I will give him another baby.
I will give him anything. I will give him my heart if his failed. I will give him my lungs. I will give him anything, because he is everything.
I pull away from his lips with my chest heaving, rake my fingers through his hair.
"Let's have another baby."
"Savannah, no," he sniffles.
"Let's have another one right now. Let's have two more. Three more. I'll give you ten. I'll give you fifteen."
"No, no, it's okay, we don't need another baby."
"Yes we do. We can have one right now Liam."
I reach for the bottom of my shirt and pull it over my head.
"Savannah, no." he whispers.
"But we can't get divorced. We can't. I don't want to. I love you. I love you. You're everything. I love you. We can't get divorced."
"We won't. We won't get divorced. I promise."
That night was the worst night of my life. It was also the first night he slept in our bed with me in weeks. We tried to go back to normal, but every time I saw somebody with a baby, Liam looked sad. I just wanted him to be happy.
So we had Eloise, and to this day, I still don't understand why I was so against another baby. That baby girl is everything.
I shudder at the thought of that day, and look at Liam. We're in a really good place right now, so if he's afraid of divorce, whatever he has to say must be bad.
I swallow the nerves.
"What is it?" I ask him.
"First, you have to promise me-"
"Liam," I reach for his hands. "I am not going anywhere okay? Just thinking about that nights makes me want to cry. That was the worst day of my life, and I've had a lot of bad days."
He nods slowly and looks down.
"I don't want to move to Hawaii." He says, and then he glances at me. I sigh slowly and nod my head. "Just hear me out, okay?" I nod again. "Hawaii is so expensive. Just to get a house with enough room for the kids, it's close to a million dollars, and we really can't afford that. Just to get a house there, we would need to give up a lot of stuff we have now. I don't want to live in the vicinity of my mother, and I know deep down, if we go back, you're going to spend all of your time looking over your shoulder. I'm not saying we have to stay in Oregon, but I am saying that I genuinely have no desire whatsoever to go back, and you know I would give you anything, and if you were really insistent, I would go back, but I'm not going to lie when I tell you I won't be happy."
He looks so nervous.
"Okay." I say.
"Okay?" he repeats.
"Yes. Okay. I understand, and you're probably right. I would hate it."
He studies me for a few moments, and then he frowns.
"You look sad."
I open my mouth to explain, but I close it.
Because I'm so tired of being sad. I'm so tired of things going wrong. I'm so tired of him always having to comfort me, and I don't understand how he isn't exhausted from having to do it all the time.
If I talk about it, I'm going to cry, and I just don't want to cry anymore. I want things to go back to normal.
So instead of answering him, I clear my throat and shake my head.
"Nope, I'm all good, just ready for bed."
I fake a smile and pull the plug to the drain.
I don't know why I bother telling Liam that I'm okay. He knows me better than anybody. He knows I'm not okay.
But he doesn't push it, he just hands me a towel when I get out of the tub and watches me while I get ready for bed.
I get into the blankets and he moves around the room, goes into the bathroom, and comes back a couple minutes later in his underwear with wet hair.
I lie in bed, my back facing away from him, and tuck my hands between the pillows and my cheek, staring at the dark wall across from me.
"Savannah, it's time for you to grow up."
"Well you never asked for any help sixteen years ago!"
"I'm not God, Savannah!" she snaps. "I can't read your fucking mind!"
I blink, and hot tears roll down the side of my face, and I sigh viciously because I'm so tired of crying every day.
The feeling I got when I realized Damien's parents knew where I lived comes back to me, and I remember realizing they were probably coming for my family. They probably wanted revenge for their son being arrested and then dying. The hurt I felt when my Mom held me while I cried in her arms the other day, and then told me to grow up just a few days after that.
She literally only planned that stupid girls day because she wanted to trap Liam into speaking to his father. She has no right to meddle and she claims to be trying to help but I've told her countless times that she's only hurting us.
And I want to forgive her for not being there for me after my kidnapping, but it's hard to forgive somebody when they don't seem sorry about it at all.
The thought of losing my mother completely just hurts, but at the same time, every time she brings up not helping me when I was a teenager, every time she meddles in Liam and I's life, it hurts.
So do I distance myself and move on, or do I keep crying every day?
It's all just...just too much. I want the feelings to stop. I want it to go away.
And I hate crying, but I just can't seem to stop it. I've been crying little by little every day, just like I did when I came back from my kidnapping.
But then I had that breakdown in Liam's truck, and he was there, and after that, I got better.
And I know he's laying next to me, and I know he knows I'm not okay, but right now I just feel alone, and that feeling makes me reach my breaking point, and the next thing I know I'm sobbing silently into my pillow.
I hear the clicking of the lamp, and then the feeling of Liam's hand on my bare arm.
"Come here. Please come here. I know you don't want to talk, and that's okay, but at least let me hold you."
Except I don't want to be held, because I actually want to talk.
So I sit up.
"I'm so tired of fucking crying all the time!" I whisper shout.
"I know," he says gently, taking my hands in his. "It hurts me to see you so upset."
"It feels so...so stupid to be so upset about something that happened sixteen years ago, but I can't help it! It wouldn't be so bad if she apologized, but every time she has, she's immediately gone and done something that shows me she doesn't mean it! How can I forgive her when she's constantly disappointing me?! But the thought of cutting her out of my life scares me because she's my Mom, but if I don't, I'm going to stay upset all the time because she's always upsetting me! What do I do, Liam? Do I cut her out of my life or do I suck it up? Cutting her out of my life makes me feel like a terrible person!"
He's sitting up and rubbing my arm, wiping my cheeks, pushing my hair back. He's doing anything he can to let me know that he's here.
"Sweetheart, putting your mental health first does not make you a terrible person." He whispers.
"But she's my Mom." I murmur. "She's my Mom."
"I know. I know baby, trust me, if anybody understands, it's me," he puts his hand on his heart and gives me a sad but understanding smile. "It took me a while to realize that it's better to keep people in here," he points to my heart. "But not in your life. She's your Mom and you will always love her, but if you think getting her out of your life is best for you, you should do it. At the end of the day, you're in charge of your own happiness."
"I just want her to stop." I whisper, sniffling.
"I know," he murmurs. "I know you do."
"Maybe she's the kind of person I need to love from afar. Like I can keep her in my life, but not see her in person. Does that make sense? I could probably tolerate her during holidays, but not all the time."
"If that's what you feel like you have to do, you know I support you." he tells me.
"I'm going to sleep on it." I mumble. "See how I feel in the morning."
He nods, "Whatever you have to do." He says.
And I hate to bring it up, but I'm going to.
"What about you?" I ask him. "What are you going to do about your Dad?"
Well after you left the park today, your Mom told me he's going back to Hawaii." He says.
"Yeah. I'm sorry, I meant to tell you, but in the heat of everything-"
"I know." He pats my knee. "It's alright. I don't know Savvy. I guess now that I know he's a good man, I'm just upset that I lost all this time with him. I want a relationship with him, but I'm scared that it won't work out and I'm going to end up upset again."
"Buddy, if I didn't so something because I was scared, I would have never left my parents' house. You can't let fear run your life."
"Yeah," he says quietly. "Maybe I'll call him in the morning."
"Only call him if that's what you want to do," I say softly. "If you're not ready, take your time, if you're ready but scared, you should call him."
_______
The end of this series is coming very soon. I've been struggling to write this which is why it's taken so long for updates.
~Sam