*content warning: physical violence, blood, and depictions of a panic attack*
(and drugs but that's not new y'all been knew)
~
Alexis
~
"I think I'm gonna quit after this."
Noel looks up from what he was doing, his eyebrows furrowing in confusion as he looks at me.
"What? Why? Things are going so good!"
"Exactly, I should quit while I'm ahead," I say and sit down in the armchair across from him. "You know what happens if I get caught."
"Dude, no one cares if people sell weed anymore. It's a legal substance," he says like it's the most obvious thing in the world and I roll my eyes.
Not quite how the law works, but go off.
"Ecstasy isn't," I argue and he just stands up from the couch with a huff.
"We can talk about this later but we gotta hit up this party. We're gonna make bank tonight," he insists and I sigh quietly, not moving. "Oh come on! Just a few more batches. There's no way you got enough for tuition already anyway."
I sigh again because he's right. I started growing weed and selling it along with E with Noel to make money for tuition when I transfer, because finding a decent job with my record and baggage was proving to be difficult. The only reason I got the job at the school was because it started off as court-mandated community service, and they eventually started paying me a tiny bit when I grew on them. Even if I did find a tolerable job, I still wouldn't be able to work enough hours to save up the kind of money I need, especially while also going to school full-time and paying LA rent. This way I make a lot of money without having to sacrifice much of my time, but of course there's the added risk of getting caught breaking my probation.
I know this is a pretty dumb thing to be doing, trust me I'm fairly self aware when it comes to this, but I'm desperate at this point. I've taken every precaution I can think of to make sure that what we're doing can't get easily traced back to me, and I trust that Noel will never rat me out.
Not even Darius knows I'm doing this again, and usually I tell him everything. He'd
probably drop me if he found out. So would Billie.
I reluctantly get up and follow Noel out the door, my stomach twisting with anxiety the way it always does when we do this. And the way it tends to do even if I don't have a reason.
"Don't let me get smashed tonight, I'm taking Billie out for breakfast tomorrow," I say and Noel chuckles.
"You're so whipped for her, dude."
"And what about it?" I ask a little defensively.
"I just think you were more fun before you saw her again and got all mushy and shit," he replies and I huff. "I mean you're still cool, dude, you're just...soft."
"I'm not soft, I'm just a little whipped for one person. There's a difference," I grumble and lean against the brick wall of the building while he calls for an Uber.
"Whatever you gotta tell yourself," he says with a smirk and I roll my eyes yet again.
I know it's childish, but I hate that he thinks I'm soft. It's just that, growing up the way I did, I had to make sure I presented myself as tough, or else I'd be an easy target for certain people around me. It was the same thing in jail, only so, so much scarier. I still feel that need to present myself a certain way, even though I've since moved to a slightly nicer neighborhood and haven't been behind bars for over a year now.
A few minutes later, a car pulls up and we get in the back together. Noel talks most of the ride about his new job, while I look out the window and overthink everything possible.
When we reach the party, Noel and I split up with half the stash each so we can sell as much as possible. I wanna get out of here quickly, partly so I can get a good night sleep before seeing Billie tomorrow and partly because this party feels grimy as hell.
Eventually, I start to get tempted by all the drinking and smoking happening around me, so I down a shot to take the edge off a bit. It snowballs from there, and one shot turn into a few more, and before I know it I'm drunk and splitting a gram with Noel. I just can't help myself sometimes to be honest, as much as I try to resist the temptations.
I get that from my mother.
I manage to sell everything I came with while my self loathing continues. I get progressively more crossed as the night goes on, knocking back shots with friends who call me over and joining in on a sesh here and there when I recognize someone.
"You ever take other forms of payment?" some girl asks me with a smirk while trailing her finger down my arm.
She's cute, I'll give her that, but I'm over that line and I have a breakfast date with my girl in the morning, so that'll be a no.
I may not be able to resist drugs and booze, but at least I have some self control.
"Yeah Venmo works too," I reply simply, clearly uninterested in what she was implying. She takes the hint, huffing as she reaches into her pocket to grab some crumpled up bills.
That marks the last thing I had to sell, and I sigh in relief then make a beeline for the door while texting Noel to let him know I'm dipping.
As soon as I get outside and feel the cool night air hit my skin, I let out a sigh and lean back against the side of the building to take a scene to compose myself with my eyes closed for a moment.
My head is swimming a little from all the alcohol I've had to drink, and I start to wish I was sober instead of feeling like this yet again. Darius is right, I do drink too much.
"You," I hear a voice next to me and I reluctantly open my eyes and look over to find a man staring at me in a way that I assume is meant to be menacing. It's not working. "Give me the fanny pack." I don't know his name, but I'm pretty sure I saw him inside at the party.
I snort in amusement and push myself off the wall. "Nah."
"I wasn't asking," he says with a huff and steps closer to me. "Hand it over and you'll stay pretty," he threatens and I just laugh.
"Aw, you think I'm pretty?" I ask in an overly cutesy voice and he rolls his eyes in annoyance before lunging at me, but I easily dodge him by side stepping his barreling body.
Buff dudes don't really scare me, they're too slow.
He tries again, clearly growing more frustrated, but I trip him off so he hits the sidewalk hard with a groan.
"Little bitch!" he growls and moves to get up, but I punch him hard in the face to keep him down, feeling an odd mix of disgust and satisfaction when blood immediately starts to pour from his nose and onto his white shirt.
I pull my arm back to hit him again, but before I can someone grabs it and twists it behind my back painfully, my other arm following.
"Dude, you're getting your ass kicked by a little girl," a new voice teases and I crane my neck to find another unfamiliar man holding me in place with ease. "What are you, like, 17?" he asks me and grips me tighter when I squirm in his hold.
"20," I huff and he just laughs while his friend gets up from the ground and wipes his nose with the back of his hand, his icy glare scaring me now that I've lost control of the situation.
He suddenly delivers a swift but hard punch to my face, and I instantly feel woozy as my head snaps back from the impact. My lip stings and I poke my tongue out to confirm that it is in fact split, the taste of my blood making me scrunch my nose in disgust.
I spit it out at him and he growls when it hits him on the cheek, his fist coming back for another strike.
"Aw come on, man, not her face again. She's mad cute," the guy holding me says and the first guy just shrugs.
"Whatever," he says and delivers another blow, this time hitting me in the stomach and knocking the wind out of me. "There, not her face. Happy now?"
He hits me a few more times until his friend whines about being bored. With that, the first guy unclips my pack and twirls it around with a smirk.
"Big man, had to have his friend hold down a girl half your size so you could stand a chance," I taunt and he just ignores me as he unzips my fanny pack, letting out a low whistle when he sees the amount of cash in it.
My heart sinks slightly when it really hits me that they're going to take it, and I did all that work that I hate for fucking nothing.
"Told you she was the one selling pills and shit."
The guy holding me finally lets go, only to shove me to the ground so he can walk over to his friend and get a better look.
"Oh fuck yeah, imma buy those sneakers I wanted. Too expensive my ass."
I would've used that for tuition, you fucking asshole.
"Think she'll tell the cops?" the second guy asks and the first guy chuckles.
"Nah, man. And say what? 'Help, some dudes stole my illegal drug money?' We're fine." He emphasizes his point with a hard kick to my ribs that hurts so much I feel dizzy.
I just stay on the ground as I listen to them walk away from me, their voices and footsteps getting farther and farther away until I can't hear them anymore.
"I guess I deserve this," I mumble to myself as I stay on the ground, my body aching all over. "Fucking idiot," I curse myself and cover my eyes with my hand while I groan.
I finally understand how my brother got sucked into this life, and I fucking hate it. I don't want to be like him. My stomach twists when I think about him and I try to force the thoughts away. This time of year is always hard for me, because the anniversary of his death is coming up.
4 years. Fuck.
With that thought, I shakily get up from the ground and try to compose myself so I can just get home and forget this night ever happened.
I take my phone out of my pocket, relieved that it wasn't in the fanny pack those cocksuckers stole, and hail an Uber. A few minutes later it pulls up and I walk over, struggling slightly because my ribs scream at me every time I move.
The driver eyes me skeptically, probably seeing my split lip and limp, but he doesn't say anything as I get in the back.
As soon as I get back to my apartment I dive into my bed and crash, too exhausted to even bother taking my shoes off.
~
I wake up to my alarm going off and I let out a groan, rolling over to grab my phone and snooze it.
I feel like absolute shit.
I have a splitting headache, my torso and face ache from the punches I received, my ribs scream at me every time I take a breath, my head is swimming because I definitely didn't get enough sleep, and my stomach is twisting with the familiar feeling of anxiety that I always wake up with.
Well, except for when I wake up next to Billie.
Billie!
I'm suddenly reminded that I'm supposed to see her this morning. With that thought, I sit up too quickly, which makes me see little dots in my vision. I sit still for a second then get out of bed and walk down the hall to the bathroom as I can take a shower.
While the water heats up I strip down and look in the mirror, cringing when I see the fresh bruises littering my body. My bottom lip has an ugly cut on it, but luckily that's the only thing that's visible when I have clothes on.
About an hour and a joint to ease my anxiety later, I'm ready to go. I look in the mirror one more time and sigh because my makeup wasn't enough to hide the dark circles under my eyes and there's nothing I can do about my lip, but I guess I look presentable enough.
I decide to take the bus there because I smoked a little and don't want to risk anything. About twenty minutes later I get off and walk to the brunch place Billie texted me about. When it comes into view I start to get a little nervous because it looks really fancy.
I don't do well in nice establishments. I always feel very out of place and everything on the menu is usually too expensive for me. After losing all the cash I earned last night, I definitely can't afford much today.
I relax when I notice Billie sitting at one of the tables outside, her eyes scanning a menu in her jewelry covered hand.
She's so pretty.
I realize I'm just staring at her like an idiot when I could be going to talk to her, so I get out of the car and walk over. She looks up from the menu when I get closer and she instantly smiles, which makes my heart warm.
Her smile drops when she gets a better look at me, "What happened?"
She stands up and reaches out to hold my face in her hands gently while examining my lip, her eyebrows laced together in concern.
"It's embarrassing," I say and take hold of her hands, moving them away from my face and holding them between us instead. "Arya juked me while I was chasing her and I ate shit and bit my lip when I fell," I lie, repeating the same lie I told my dad when I had a split lip from getting into a fight at a party back in high school.
I've found that more random the lie is, the more believable people find it.
"You got goofed on by a dog," she teases with an amused smile and I roll my eyes playfully as I take a seat. "I thought you got in a fight again or sum," she says and I force a laugh while the guilt I feel for lying slowly gnaws at me.
I pick up a menu to distract myself and my stomach drops for a second when I see the prices. I can afford a side of salad and maybe a coffee.
"What's wrong?" Billie asks and I give her a confused look. How did she know? She chuckles and gestures down to my hands. "You fiddle with your fingers like that when you're nervous."
Damn, she really knows me. "I can't really afford this," I say awkwardly, deciding to be honest even though I'm a little embarrassed.
"Oh, right, today's on me," she says and I watch as she bites her lip a little shyly. "To say sorry or whatever."
"You don't have to," I say and she shakes her head.
"Yeah I do, now pick what you want and don't you fucking dare look at the prices to pick the cheapest thing," she says and I laugh because, again, she really knows me.
I hate when people spend money on me, so whenever I get taken out for food by someone I usually just get whatever I can find that's less than ten bucks, but I don't really think that's possible here.
We decide on two things that we both agree on to split and I pass the waiter my menu while thanking him before reaching over to take Billie's hand, my thumb gently running over her knuckles.
She looks down at our hands and smiles, her other hand moving so she can touch the tattoos on my fingers sweetly.
"I need to hurry up and get inked," she says and I nod immediately.
"Fuck yeah, you'd look hot as hell with some ink," I say, which earns a few head turns from the snobby old white people sitting at the tables near us. "What the fuck are y'all looking at?" I say louder and they focus on their meals again while Billie tries and fails to hold in her laughter.
"Lexi, you're gonna get us kicked out," she scolds lamely but she can't wipe the amused smile off her lips.
"This is America. Freedom of speech, baby," I reply and she laughs again, which is music to my ears.
"I don't think that's how that works but go off," she says and looks into my eyes in a way that makes my heart flutter.
After a beat of us just simply looking at each other in silent adoration, Billie's eyes drift past me and her lips curl down into a frown.
"What's wrong?" I ask and turn to see what she's looking at, frowning when I see a few guys with big ass cameras staring at us.
"Fucking paps," she groans and pulls her hand away from mine. "I can't go anywhere, I fucking swear."
I keep looking at them then stick them the middle finger, which prompts them to start taking even more pictures.
"Weirdos," I chuckle in amusement then turn around to look at Billie again, my smile fading when I see how genuinely upset she looks.
"I'll never get used to this," she mumbles. "I hate that my dream comes with so much shit. Why can't I just release music and perform? I'm sick of everything else. It's, like, almost not worth it sometimes. I don't feel like a person half the time, I'm just some money maker for a bunch of dudes in suits who don't care about me. And for journalists and paps and nearly everyone else to be honest. Even some of my fucking friends," she rants a bit and my heart breaks a little as I listen.
Back when we were first dating, Billie was definitely famous but hadn't completely blown up yet. She'd occasionally have run ins with paps and overly aggressive 'fans', but nowhere near to the extent she does now. I know it bothered her back then, so it must be miles worse for her now.
"I'm sorry, I just-" she cuts herself off with a heavy sigh. "I don't mean to dump on you."
"Hey, you know you can talk to me about anything and I'll always listen. Don't hold back," I assure her and reach for her hand again, but she pulls it away.
"Later, Lex. Paps," she says when I pout a little. Her eyes flick to them again and she groans. "Fuckin creeps."
"Let's dip," I suggest and she looks at me again. "We can get our food to go and drive somewhere they won't find us."
She smiles at that suggestion and nods instantly. "Just like old times," she says softly and I smile too.
"Just like old times."
"You drive here?" she asks and I shake my head. "Perfect."
The next time a waiter walks by I ask to change our order to go, and it's not long later when he comes out with our food and the bill. Billie sets some cash down on the table then gets up.
"Come on," she says eagerly and grabs the bag of food before walking briskly out of the patio and sown the sidewalk
As soon as she starts moving, the paps spring into action and start following her down the street while bombarding her with questions.
"Billie! Tell us about your upcoming tour!"
"When's the new music dropping?"
"Are you dating Devon?"
Who the fuck is Devon?
Billie ignores all the questions being barked at her and I just watch silently, wondering how she deals with this all the time. She shouldn't have to, it's ridiculous.
"Do you have anything to say?" one dude asks and Billie stops for a second.
"You with TMZ?" she asks and he nods. "Aight then yeah. Fuck TMZ," she says simply before she continues walking, making me laugh loudly as I follow.
The paps follow, camera shutters clicking and questions being hurled, all of which Billie ignores while staring straight ahead.
Out of nowhere there's a loud bang just down the street, and as soon as I hear it my vision starts to get brighter as my breath catches in my throat.
I stop walking as I try to get it back and Billie keeps walking for a few seconds before she realizes I'm not following and turns around, her face flashing with concern when she sees my labored breaths.
"No no no," I whimper and tangle my fingers into my hair, tugging it desperately l as if it will stop what's happening.
"Oh shit," she says as a look of realization crosses her face. She rushes to me and cups my cheeks, making me look her in the eyes. "Hey hey hey. It was just a car backfiring, it's okay," she soothes but it doesn't help, and my eyes squeeze shut as memories of the night I shot Jonah flood my brain.
So much blood.
"Fuck," I manage to get out and stumble slightly, prompting Billie to simply sit down on the sidewalk and guide me down with her. "B-Billie I can't-"
"Steady breaths, baby, just like we practiced," she says calmly and takes my hand, putting it on her chest so I can feel the way it moves up and down steadily.
I try my best to copy her, but it's so hard to focus on it when my mind is being completely overrun with flashbacks. It's even harder than usual because every time I breathe in my bruised ribs scream at me to stop.
"Billie, what's happening?" one of the paps ask and I hear a few camera shutters going off, but my eyes are still screwed shut so I can't see which one it is.
"Is your friend okay?"
"Girlfriend maybe?"
"Why'd you call her baby?"
"She did?"
"I heard it too!"
"I swear to God if y'all don't back the fuck up I will drop kick all of you!" Billie snaps then immediately returns her attention to me, her hand gently stroking my hair. "That's it, keep doing that," she encourages as my breathing starts to slow down and even out slowly but surely.
After what feels like hours but was probably about 5 minutes in total, I open my eyes to find Billie's sweet face in front of mine, her own eyes filled with concern.
"I got you," she says softly and I lean forward silently, prompting her to wrap her arms around me tightly while my arms stay limp at my sides.
One of her hands goes back to stroking my hair while she holds me, and she whispers sweet words in my ear as my thoughts slowly return to normal. She makes no move to pull away, and when I muster up the energy I hug her back while nuzzling deeper into the crook of her neck. Her familiar scent and the feeling of her warm arms around me is better than any drug my doctors could prescribe me for this shit.
"I'm sorry," I mumble, beyond embarrassed that all went down with about a dozen people watching with cameras.
"You have nothing to apologize for," she whispers back and I squeeze her one more time before pulling back and looking down at the dirty ground we're sitting on. "Ready to go? No rush," she asks and I nod.
She stands up then takes my hand and pulls me up, standing on her top toes to place a sweet kiss on my forehead before turning to look at the paps.
"If any of you follow us I will lose my fucking shit, don't try me," she says in one of the most serious voices I've ever heard from her.
With that, she grabs our bag of food and my hand then walks down the sidewalk. After a bit I glance back to see that, thankfully, none of them decided to test her.
"So...they're still bad, huh?" she asks and I nod.
"They're not every day anymore at least," I say quietly and look down at my shoes shyly. "But, yeah, still bad."
"I'm sorry," she mumbles and squeezes my hand comfortingly before stopping and letting it go so she can grab her car keys.
We get in and Billie looks over at me after she puts her seatbelt on, "Usual place?" she asks and I nod with a smile.
She puts on one of her playlists then drives off, and I find myself staring at her like a sap for most of the ride while she sings along and dances in her seat like a goofball.
When we reach our usual spot, I'm happy to find that no one else is here right now. Billie gets out to get a blanket from the back while I get out with the bag of food then help her lay it out on the ground in front of her car, overlooking the view we've become so familiar with together.
"I feel like I'm in high school again," I say with a laugh as we sit down and start digging through the food we got. "Just with fancy food instead of taco bell."
"Fuuuck why would you say Taco Bell? I'm craving it now," Billie says with a groan and I chuckle while I start eating whatever Billie ordered for me. "Good, right?" she says as she watches me.
I nod and shrug, "I mean it's incredible but it costs more than my rent," I mumble back and she laughs then starts digging into her own food.
"Okay trade," she says after a little while and reaches for my box but I snatch it away. "Lexi!"
"No," I mumble with my mouthful and let out a squeal when she suddenly tackles me, almost sending the food everywhere. "Maniac!" My ribs ache, but I do my best not to let my pain show.
"Bozo!" she shouts back and I can't help but giggle as she scrambles over me to try and grab the food.
I hold it just out of her reach and she whines, but stops struggling when she realizes our lips are right next to each other's. I look down at hers, and she looks down at mine, and both of us go silent.
"Gimme the food," she whispers after a beat and I shake my head.
"Kiss first," I whisper back and she doesn't hesitate to press hers against mine.
I smile against her lips then kiss her back more than happily, letting go of what I'm holding and wrapping my arms around her waist. Her arms snake around my neck and I deep the kiss while slipping my hands just under her shirt so I can touch her soft skin.
I whine when she pulls back, and she just chuckles teasingly at my reaction then reaches for the food she wanted in the first place while I watch her with a smile on my lips.
"Quit staring at me," she says without looking at me and I laugh softly.
"Nope," I reply and lay back on the blanket, resting my hands behind my head as I keep looking at her adoringly.
Billie sits back with a smile and digs in while I look around, just appreciating where I am. I'm back in my favorite spot in the world with my favorite girl in the world. It's hard to remind myself that things aren't totally what they seem, because being in our spot with Billie again is messing with my brain and convincing me that things are back to normal.
But they aren't, she still isn't mine, and she doesn't want to be mine.
I sigh sadly, softly enough that Billie doesn't notice it, and try to push the thoughts out of my head.
We eat in silence for a little while, just enjoying the food and the view the way we always used to. I think about the first time I took Billie here, and the look in her eyes when she first saw the view. I'd never taken anyone here before, because before Billie this is where I'd come to escape everyone. But I don't need an escape from Billie, and somehow even back then I knew she was special enough to let in.
"Did you mean it when you said you'd wait for me?" she asks quietly after a while and I look at her again, frowning when I see the insecurity swirling around in her eyes.
"Of course I did."
She bites her lip, clearly hesitant about what to say next. "What about Shay?"
"Shay's just a friend, Bil," I say with a chuckle, but she doesn't look convinced. "You're cute when you get jealous."
"It doesn't feel cute," she grumbles, her lips jutting out into a pout.
I lean up from my spot and press a quick kiss to her pouty lips, which makes them quirk into a small smile. I start to pull back so I can dig into my food again but Billie puts her hand in the back of my neck and pulls me in for a longer kiss. My hands move down to wrap around her waist and I pull her closer to me while she deepens the kiss.
Her other hand moves down to fiddle with my shirt, and when it slips under to stroke my skin I wince slightly and kiss in pain because my bruises are still sensitive to the touch.
She pulls away and furrows her eyebrows. "What's wrong?" she asks and I shake my head.
"Nothing," I mumble and try to attach our lips again, but she doesn't let me.
"Lexi. You're hurt," she says and tries to pull my shirt up but I grab her wrist to stop her.
"Fucking leave it," I snap and she frowns, looking hurt. I sigh and let go of her wrist, instantly softening. "I'm sorry."
"You got in a fight again, didn't you?" she mutters and shakes her head as she pulls away from me. I nod silently and avoid her eyes, unable to stand the disappointment in them.
"What was the fight about?"
I stay quiet, not wanting to lie or tell the truth.
"Billie..." I start but trail off because I don't know what to say to make this better. "I'm sorry, okay? It won't happen again."
"It was drugs, wasn't it?" she asks and I hang my head. "Unbelievable," she scoffs and I sigh.
"I fucking knew you weren't done with all that shit. I knew it was all an act."
Somehow that hurts me more than a beating like the one I got ever could. She really thinks that of me? That I'm just some manipulative person who put on a front to trick her into being with me?
"It wasn't an act!" I insist and reach for her when she hops off the car, but she slaps my hand away. "You're the only person that sees the real me, Bil. All that soft shit is who I am, I just can't be that girl with anyone but you!"
Her face softens for a split second, but immediately hardens again as she shakes off my words.
"Do you have service?"
I nod and she walks around to open her car door. "Cool, you can Uber home then," she says and I frown as I hop off the hood of her car.
"Billie please just hear me out," I beg and she shakes her head as she gets into the driver's seat.
"I can't deal with this again. I wish you the best, I really do, but I can't be around you right now," she says then shuts the door and reverses while I stare after her helplessly.
"Billie!" I call after her desperately but it does nothing, and I'm forced to watch her leave in a haste, as if I'm dangerous.
Which I guess I am.
~
A/N
~
not properly edited leave me alone
*coughs*
I mean most of y'all said you wanted more drama when i polled you so
there ya go
SORRY IT HAS BEEN SO LONG. if you haven't been seeing my posts on my wall, i've been on vacation so it's been really hard to sit down and produce something i'm okay with posting
hopefully 5500 words makes up for it a little bit?
hope you're all well and don't hate me