A/N: This is a book of oneshots
What am I supposed to write in here?
Oneshots
And what am I writing?
Clearly not oneshots
I have a special place in hell for this
Btw, it's my first day of summer holiday
*sarcastic yay*
Amyway, let's get into this shit like chapter
Btw, the video at media is totally random and I just wanted to share it with you guys
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Haise: And I'm not proud of what I'm about to say... but someone give me a cigarette
Mutsuki: But, Sensei, we don't smoke
Haise: Cut the crap, Mutsuki. I know that one in five teenagers smokes
Haise: *starts to count the squad members*
Haise: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
Haise: Now, I'm going to close my eyes and when I'll open them, there better be a cigarette between these two fingers
[Y/N]: *hands him a cigarette*
Haise: Light?
The rest of the squad: *holding lighters close to him*
Akira who just happened to pass by: No one's pure in this house
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Saiko: I did a lot of dumb stuff
[Y/N]: I joined you in the dumb stuff
Shirazu: I recorded the dumb stuff
Urie: I witnessed the dumb stuff
Mutsuki: I TRIED TO STOP YOU FROM DOING THE DUMB STUFF!
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Saiko: I don't care what anyone says, the cookie part of an Oreo is the best part
Urie: Dark without light is an abyss. Light without darkness is blinding. You can't have a coin with one side
The rest of the squad: ...
Shirazu: Yo, Socrates. It's a fucking cookie
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Saiko: Do you want a tarot card reading?
Mutsuki: Those are Pokémon cards
Saiko: This is Bidoof. It means "fuck you"
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The Quinx squad in a group chat
Haise: Lol I'm dying help
Urie: Then perish
[Y/N]: Oof same
Saiko: Me af
Mutsuki: Lmao same
Shirazu: Rip, what's up man?
Haise: No, I'm legit dying
Haise: I lost control again
Haise: The lol is a habit
Haise: *sends a blurry pic of himself dabbing in the ambulance*
5 people are typing...
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Saiko learning english with [Y/N]
[Y/N]: The man stole a book, he is a...
Saiko: Theif
[Y/N]: I before E except after C
Saiko: Tcheif
[Y/N]: *angry windows xp shutting down noises*
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Urie: How the fuck am I stressing and not giving a fuck at the same time?
Shirazu: Drugs
Urie: Bitch, what the fuck
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[Y/N]: I can fit my whole world in the entire palm of my hands
Urie: That's impos--
[Y/N]: *cups his face*
Urie, slightly blushing: Bitch, I have a reputation
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[Y/N]: There's no uwu unless it's w u
Shirazu: You? Meant for me. Me? Meant for you. This? Cute as hell
Saiko: Hotel? Trivago
Urie: Weird motherfuckers? You
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Haise and Mutsuki texting
Haise: Hop on Roblox
Mutsuki: Come into my room first
Haise: If you don't play the Blox
Haise: You don't get the Cox
Mutsuki: ...
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Saiko: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed, one fell off and...
Urie: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma
Saiko, now sweating: M-mama called the doctor and the doctor said...
[Y/N]: You might be entitled to financial composition if he or a loved one dies
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Haise: You have no idea what I'm capable of
[Y/N]: No offense, but I feel like I'm being threatened by a cupcake
Haise: *angry cupcake noises*
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Saiko: It smells like upholdmyhand in here
Urie: What's up hold my hand
Urie: Wait...
Saiko: Well, if you insist
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Shirazu: There's a traitor in our midst!
Urie: Do I look like I care?
Mutsuki: *shows Haise's feed*
Mutsuki: Someone's teaching Sensei gen z slang!
Urie: Who do I have to kill
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Haise: What happened?!
Mutsuki: All I remember is Shirazu-kun saying "It's gonna be fun"
Mutsuki: And we ended up in jail
Shirazu: It be like that sometime
Haise: No, it don't!
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[Y/N]: Can we go home? The stress is not good for the baby
Shirazu, his face red like a tomato: What the hell?! What baby?!
[Y/N], softly: Me
Shirazu: *getting protective*
Shirazu, carrying [Y/N] the bridal style: Out of the way, fuckers, I have a baby on board!
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Shirazu: I thought we were friends, Urie... I can't believe you betrayed me like this!
Urie: Shirazu, come on, man. You know it was just a joke... I didn't mean to hurt you...
Haise: Umm... What is going on? Are they fighting again?
[Y/N]: Nah, Urie blew up Shirazu's house in minecraft
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Umm, umm, high school au thing
Urie, standing outside [Y/N]'s window with a "prom?" sign
Haise, leaning out the window: Oh my god, yes!
Urie: What the fu-- No, tell [Y/N]!
Haise: [Y/N]! I'm going to prom with your boyfriend!
[Y/N]: ...
Urie: ...
Urie: Bitch, what the fuck
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Saiko: Omfg, I just found out people actually eat fish
Mutsuki: ...
Saiko: Like, what the fuck?
Saiko: Wait, nevermind. On second thought, that's kinda hot
Mutsuki: Please, please give it a third thought
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Haise: [Y/N], could you pick up some milk?
[Y/N]: *picks up the carton of milk*
[Y/N]: Yeah, it's pretty easy
Haise: I meant from the store
[Y/N]: I would imagine it weighs the same there too...?
Haise: ...
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Shirazu: Hey Urie, I wrote a poem for you
Urie: I don't care
Shirazu: Just listen
Shirazu: Roses are red, violets are blue. I have five fingers and the middle one is for you
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Haise, stuck in a tree
Mutsuki: Sensei, please! Come down from there!
Haise, surrounded by birds: I am one with my kind now!
Mutsuki, looking at [Y/N]: What did you do?
[Y/N]: I saw some birds on that tree and I told Haise that he should say hi to his kind, so he climbed up there to spite me, but now he won't come down
Haise: I'll never come down! I'm where I belong! CAW CAW BITCH
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Shirazu: Bet you can't make Saiko blush in five seconds
Mutsuki: Bet
Mutsuki: *turns to Saiko*
Mutsuki: Sometimes I feel like dying
Saiko: WHA--
Mutsuki: But then I remember that if I die, I won't be able to see you again
Saiko: *blushes*
Haise: ...
Haise: Sometimes I feel like dying
Urie: Good
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Haise to Saiko and Shirazu: I have total faith in you
Haise later: There's like a 30% chance they'll both die
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Saiko: You would not believe your eyes
Haise: If 10 million tethered flies
Urie: Carried my corpse into the sky
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Haise: Tell me a random thing about space
Mutsuki: Abraham Lincoln is the president of Mars
Haise: ...What
Mutsuki: Saiko said it once and it's been haunting me since
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Urie: Move it, I'm claustrophobic
Saiko: What does that mean?
[Y/N]: It means he's afraid of Santa Claus
Shirazu: Ho, ho, ho!
Mutsuki: Stop! You're scaring him!
Urie: ...
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The Quinx squad in the middle of a mission
Haise: We need a distraction
Mutsuki: Someone who's good at yelling and cursing
Haise and Mutsuki, looking at [Y/N]: ...
[Y/N]: Fucking fine
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Urie: I'm jealous of your heart
Saiko: What
Urie: It's pumping inside of you and I'm not
Saiko: *chokes*
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Mutsuki: If your phone's battery was your age, how old would you be now?
Haise: 56
Shirazu: 4
[Y/N]: Damn, how could yours be so accurate?
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A/N: Welp, guess who the fuck just caught a cold
This idiot right here
*cough cough*