Chapter 17: With You and Me All Alone, No One Has To Know
*Haley's P.O.V.*
Come on Haley, you can do this, I encouraged myself inwardly. There's nothing to be scared of, you and Niall are in love. As much as I repeated that thought through my head, a controversial voice was always nagging about how you don't lie to the one you love or break promises. Stuff like this happens all the time, I reminded myself. Louis went off with Julia and I entered the kitchen, trying to be nonchalant. I didn't want people to know that I was shaking on the inside. I just didn't want to hurt Niall or worry him or disappoint him... I didn't want him to endure any unpleasant emotions. I walked up behind him, the tile floor feeling unusually cold against my bare feet. I placed my hands on his shoulders and placed my lips near his ear. "Can you come lie with me?" I requested in a whisper, glad my voice wasn't shaking. Lie with me. Lie. I tried to shake the word out of my head, but Niall's bright and oblivious smile just made it even crueler.
"Of course," he agreed, getting up and following me. I smiled back as he laced his fingers through mine, but my stomach was churning. The ascent up the stairs was one of the longest climbs of my life. Not to mention that I was hyperaware of Louis' presence. It was an accident! I scolded myself. But with all that was already happening I guess that little problem just magnified itself. I closed the door once we finally reached our room and I began to feel a bit sick as we lay down on the bed, knowing I had to tell him then because it's better now than later. We lay there for a moment, his arm around me. I wasn't even responding or cuddling up to him like usual. I couldn't just lie there anymore. I sat up abruptly and hugged my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth slightly. Niall sat up beside me, questioning me with his concerned blue eyes. "Still not feeling any better?" he guessed innocently. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. Better now than later.
"Niall, I have to tell you something," I choked out. His intent gaze was making me antsy and I had to put in a decent amount of effort to keep myself from squirming. He took one of my hands, signaling that he was listening. I wracked my mind for some way to start my confession. "Niall, love, you know how after Chase dumped me he kept harassing me?" I paused for his nod. "And you know how I tried to solve the problem?" I added, my voice becoming even more unsteady as the tears began trying to push themselves through. I resisted and went on as he nodded, a bit slower this time. I gulped as his eyebrows knitted together, trying to swallow back the lump in the back of my throat. "Remember that time I promised I would never do that again?" My voice was completely giving me away at this point and my eyes were squeezed shut. I opened them to see his widen in realization. I closed them again, not wanting the tears to fall.
"Haley," he whispered, wrapping me in his warm embrace. I clung to him and sobbed softly into his chest. "But, why?" he asked. I retrieved my phone and pulled up Twitter, showing him all of the horrible things people were saying. He sighed and tossed the phone to the end of the bed. "Halez, I know hate is hard to take at first. But all those things they're saying are just a bunch of stupid lies," he cooed, holding me to him tightly. My small, pathetic sobs gradually settled into unpleasant hiccups and I looked up at him, smiling through the tears in my eyes.
"I'm sorry," I muttered. He didn't say anything; he just brought my hand to his lips, his gentle kiss lightly tickling my knuckles. I giggled a bit and the corners of his mouth rose.
"You're beautiful, you know that?" he said, making me blush and look down as he wiped the tears from my heated cheeks.
"Well you always tell me that, but I'm not so sure I believe it," I murmured back in response. He tackled me to the bed, kissing my neck and my lips and my nose and my cheek, catching me off guard as I erupted into a fit of laughter.
"Believe it!" he ordered playfully between kisses. I just kept laughing, my breath shortening.
"No!" I protested with the little bit of air I had left in my lungs. He pinned me down and stopped kissing me, smiling down at me, his wild blue eyes staring into mine as I caught my breath.
"Believe it," he repeated, the corners of his perfect lips curving up into a mischievous grin. I smirked a bit, shaking my head in protest. He was about to say something, probably just repeat himself, but I tangled my fingers in his hair and brought his face down to mine, arching my neck up a bit so our lips collided faster. I was enjoying the moment, but for some annoying, unknown reason the kiss with Louis was still lingering in the back of my mind.
*Louis' P.O.V.*
We were all (well, besides Niall and Haley) sitting around the room, as it was Sydney's last day here for the next few days. I had my arm around Julia, and I loved the way she fit into my embrace. I stole a quick kiss from her lips while no one was watching, and even though there were sparks as usual, I couldn't quite get my kiss with Haley out of my head. I knew it was accident, but I was kind of glad it happened. Not because I wanted to kiss her, but because I needed some confirmation.
You see, a while back I questioned my feelings for Haley. She was like a sister to me, and I knew from the start that she and Niall were in love, but despite those things there was always this tiny little part of me that wondered what my exact feelings were for her. There's no questioning her beauty, it's quite obvious. But besides that there was something about the connection we have and her adorably awkward personality. I'm not sure if you would call it a crush, but I loved when she came to me and I could hole her, tell her everything would be okay and make her feel better. I would never admit it, but it always made me feel special when she came to me before Niall. Don't get me wrong, I love her and Niall together, but I've always wondered what things would be like had her feelings been toward me. I've never told anyone about those feelings, and I plan on keeping it that way. I don't even want to know how people would react if they knew that I sort of used to fancy Haley, especially her and Niall. I haven't even thought about those possible feelings since I met Julia, but that kiss... It brought them back. Not completely of course, but it was just... shocking. And, to be completely honest, I kind of liked it. It wasn't long enough to properly judge, but I needed to push those thoughts aside anyway. I mean we were both in relationships.
I focused on the beautiful girl in my arms and reminded myself of how much I loved her, how it felt when I kissed her that night in the hotel and how much I had cried over her when I thought she loved someone else. I remembered how it felt when she told me she preferred me, how it felt when I realized she had waited for me. When I realized I still had a chance. I couldn't help but smile down at her adoringly as I remembered all of these memories, admiring her beautiful light brown hair and pale complexion. I bent down and kissed the slight bump that interrupted the slope on her nose, knowing she hated it even though I thought it was adorable. She glared up at me playfully, her icy blue eyes narrowing, but I just smiled. Reminding myself how much I love her was all I had to do.
Until Haley and Niall came down the stairs.
He was carrying her, as usual. They truly were adorable, but for the first time since I met Julia I felt that mild little twang of jealousy that I used to feel whenever I realized how in love those two really are. Haley looked at me for a second but averted her gaze as soon as she noticed I was already staring at her. This might be my mind playing tricks on me, but I could've sworn I saw her blush. And for whatever reason, that made me smile to myself.
*Haley's P.O.V.*
After a few hours everyone dispersed to go do their own thing, and Niall and I headed to the kitchen. "Hale Bale!" Louis' weird nickname for me rung in my ears, causing a strange reaction as I turned around. He was smiling at Niall and I brightly, as if nothing had happened a few hours prior. That's because nothing happened, I reminded myself urgently. That kiss was a mistake. It's weird how different the words "mistake" and "accident" are even though they're synonyms.
"Yes, Lou Lou?" I replied playfully. His smile remained, but something flickered in those teal eyes of his, something I couldn't quite put my finger on.
"Sorry to interrupt, but may I talk to you please?" he requested politely, his gaze flickering from my eyes to Niall's. Niall and I agreed and Niall and Julia submerged into their own conversation as Louis and I headed up the stairs. He surprised me by taking my hand in his, but I made to sure to seem unfazed. You are unfazed, I insisted. But during the walk to his room I felt weirdly alert and somewhat electrified as his hand held mine. Why are you feeling like this? Louis' like your brother! But no matter what the voices in my head had to say, the sensations were still there. He didn't even let go of my hand to open and shut the door, he used one hand for that. Weird, I noted, trying not to think too much of the gesture. He sat me down on the bed and took both of my hands in his as he stared at me. He had stared at me like that plenty of times before, but there was something different this time, something... off. I looked up at him expectantly after a moment, anxious to hear what he had to say. "So how did he take it?" he asked. I let out a breath and smiled.
"Really well, actually," I confessed, remembering the passionate kiss and support he had given me. I forced the happiness to mask the fact that the kiss with Louis was etched in the back of my mind. It's like just as I get something off of my chest I have a new secret to feel guilty about.
"Well that's good," he replied simply. "You don't seem too happy about it though." My head whipped up at his additional commentary, my eyes wide. He studied my face curiously again and I cursed the fact that he knew me in a way no one else did. He and I have a connection I have with no one else. This realization did not help to get our kiss out of my head. All it did was increase my heartbeat and pulse to a pace that made me feel like pacing. I gripped the sheets so my hands wouldn't twitch, his eyes making me want to jump up and walk around. It was a horrible habit of mine that I was just learning to control: I pace endlessly while my hands have uncontrollable spasms that I'm not even aware of. "Are you okay?" he asked.
I'm not sure what it was about that question, but it set me off. I hopped up off of his bed and began speed walking from one end of the room to the other in a perfectly straight mentally set path. My hands were probably flailing and groping the air, but I wasn't even thinking about that. My mind was just so scattered and helplessly confused and I didn't know what to do. I felt a hand being placed gingerly on my shoulder and I stopped my pacing as I looked up into Louis' concerned, pale aquamarine eyes. He was a few inches taller than me, so he looked down on me as I chewed on my lip, gripped the hem of my shorts in my tightly clenched fists, and marched in place, all of my nervous habits occurring. I guess one just triggered the next until it was out of control. "Haley, what's wrong?" he questioned. "I've never seen you like this."
"These are all just bad habits," I explained. "I guess when I got into one all of the others came back..." I trailed off. But deep down I knew that wasn't it. I only paced like this when there was too much on my mind to even process, when I didn't even know what to think and all these different thoughts are just popping up into my mind, contradicting themselves and confusing me endlessly. Right now, my reaction to the accidental kiss with Louis was all I could think about. Did I like it? Did I wish it didn't happen? Will this affect our relationship? What about Julia and Niall? Are my feelings changing? His close proximity to me wasn't helping.
"Just focus on one thing," he instructed soothingly. As gentle as he was being, he wasn't helping.
"I'm trying!" I exploded, just wanting to cry out of frustration and confusion and guilt. I didn't even bother to run to the bed, I just fell on the floor and buried my head in my knees as the tears came. I felt a muscular arm wrap around my shoulders and a head rest on my back. I hated that I loved it. He pressed a kiss to the side of my head, and for reason it triggered a confession out of me. "That kiss is all I can think about," I admitted. Normally I would've wanted to shove the words back into my mouth, but it was Louis. I could tell him anything. His comforting circles stopped abruptly, which scared me.
"What?" he said unsteadily, obviously caught off guard. I lifted my face to find that his beautiful eyes had grown wide as saucers.
"Our kiss," I repeated. "I can't stop thinking about it." His eyes remained the same size.
"B-but it was an accident," he stammered. I'm scaring him, I realized, my heart pumping again in regret. I looked back down, not able to handle his confused, worried, and frightened expression. Why is he acting like this? I wondered.
"I know. Just forget I said anything," I replied, wanting nothing more than to rewind. He lifted my chin with his long, slender fingers delicately, making it so that I had no choice but to look at him. His eyes had softened, and they didn't look as hectic. They still looked nervous, but they also looked almost... sad. He wiped the tears from my face as I sniffled, not breaking the eye contact. He wiped under my nose with the sleeve of his sweatshirt and I scrunched up my face at the gesture. "Ew, now you have my snot all over your sleeve," I noted apologetically. He smirked a bit, his eyes sparkling with their usual light for a moment.
"How lucky am I?" he joked in a playfully sarcastic tone. I smiled back at him, giggling a bit as I sniffled again. His eyes going back to confusion and nervousness. My smile faltered as his gaze flickered from my eyes to my lips. What is he doing? I wondered fearfully as his gaze fixed on my lips and he began coming closer. "Haley," he stated. I gulped and nodded, signaling that I was listening. "Don't move," he instructed. "I-I want to try something," he breathed. I sat there as his lips came closer and closer to mine. I watched his eyes shut and his lips part slightly, and I did the same as his lips came in contact with mine.
Neither of us reacted at first, we kind of just sat there, too shocked to move. My breath was caught and I felt like my heart was about to pound right of my chest, my pulse beating insistently in my neck. But then I placed my hands on his shoulders and he placed his on my waist, making me jump a bit. Our lips started moving together in an uncertain, experimental way. I knew it was extremely wrong, I mean we were both in love with other people, but it just felt so undeniably right. Besides, we were just testing out a theory.
Somehow, we ended up on the ground with him laying on top of me. Our lips kept going, seeing how they felt about the situation despite the howling sirens going off inside my skull. We heard footsteps and voices coming up the stairs and we jumped apart as if we had just been electrocuted. We sat on the floor, holding our breath as we listened to the people pass by. I sighed and began panting, realizing that no one would interrupt one of our talks. Everyone knew us too well. Just then, I realized the benefits of that: no one would ever walk in on our... "experiments". I looked over at Louis, seeing that he too was panting and looking at me. By his expression, I assumed he had made the same realization as I did.
I had a pleasantly horrible feeling that this experiment might last a while.