Summary: after aunt mays death peter feels like a burden to everyone and resorts to his final option.
ENDGAME SPOILER,
SUICIDE MENTIONS, SELF HARM
~~~
Stars.
No matter what peter had always looked up to the stars in his time of need.
His uncle Ben told him once that when people died they turned into stars, and depending on what they were like in life their star would either be bright and large or small and faded.
He always believed that idea, considering that after Ben had died he remembered seeing a bright star, just through the curtains of his window, shinning down brightly on him.
Peter remembered that after Mr.stark died when wielding the six infinity stones, he sat on top of the tower and tried to find the largest and brightest star out there. Because if Mr.stark wasn't the brightest star out there, then peter wouldn't know what to do, because surely someone like mr.stark would be a bright star. He had saved the world after all.
He knows that exactly after the clock struck 1am he found him. The brightest star in the sky. The one that he would look up to whenever he felt down or in need of comfort, because he couldn't speak to the other avengers, they only kept him around because Mr.Stark dealt with him. But now because he wasn't here anymore peter didn't bother trying to talk to the others.
~
Peter had only met Morgan once, that was at the funeral. He remembered looking at her and seeing Tony.
She had his eyes and smile.
He couldn't bear to look at her, to feel the ache and pain in his chest, because every time he looked at her he was reminded of his dead ment- father.
He remembered the dull ache in his stomach getting larger as weeks and days rushed by. Slowly, the ache became numb and soon all he could feel was numb. He hadn't laughed genuinely in weeks and he only felt alive when he was bleeding. Soon he found himself purposely ignoring his spidey senses and letting himself get stabbed or hit when out on patrols or missions.
The others had noticed it too.
He enjoyed it though.
He felt alive when he was hurt.
There was no ache or pit. The numbness was gone, well not gone but it faded for a little while when he was hurt. He felt alive. Even if it was for a little while.
~
The blade.
Pain.
Numbness.
Help.
Please.
Someone.
Quiet.
~
The first time he picked up a razor or blade was when he couldn't bear to see his star in the sky anymore, or the picture of them that was now faced down on the side. When all he could do was sob and shake, or wake up in cold sweat after seeing him again on the battlefield during a nightmare or panic attack. They were common now for peter. May had noticed that after a while.
He doesn't remember going to the bathroom or opening the draw, feeling the cold slim blade between his fingers. He couldn't seem to grasp the idea that it wasn't his fault another father figure in his life was dead. However, he Does remember the blade pressing against his skin, a cold sting before he finally felt at ease, some sort of release.
It became a past time and surely enough scars were loitered on his forearms. He wore sweaters now. Big baggy MIT sweaters that mr.stark had given him when he stayed at the compound. The smell of motor oil and grease was no longer there but the scent always lingered no matter what.
~
May had died.
He remembers shutting down. Staring at her in her hospital bed, her hand now cold and limp. Her cheeks no longer rosy and her chest no longer falling softly every time she took a breath.
Someone had grabbed him gently by the shoulder, leading him out of the room and into a car. It was a blur but the next thing he knew, he was waking up in his room at stark towers, Natasha and Clint softly snoring on the sofa at the side of his bed.
But he was alone.
He had lost everyone.
His parents.
Uncle Ben.
Tony.
May.
Oh god he was alone.
He had no one now.
~
Peter groaned as he threw the covers back over his head, he was seeing pepper and Morgan today. He saw them once a week now that he lived with the team, but every time he saw Morgan he couldn't help but think of Tony. They were so alike in so many ways, sure she had peppers wit and pale skin but everything else practically screamed Tony, and it hurt because every time he saw her, he was back there. On the battlefield, crouched in front of his father sobbing, telling him that they had won.
"Mr. Parker I suggest you get up before Natasha comes in and drags you out of bed. You're meeting Morgan again today."
Peter nodded and sighed, slowly getting up and trudging to his bathroom, a clean sweater in his arms along with a pair of grey sweats and socks. Carefully he pulled his pyjama shirt off and stared at the cuts and scars lingering on his arms, he shook his head and pulled the clean sweater over his head before getting ready, brushing his teeth, putting a fake smile on and dragging himself to the common room.
The heavy scent of pancakes filled the air, Steve was cooking breakfast when peter had walked in, Natasha and Clint were arguing over the remonte and Thor and Bruce were discussing something quietly in the corner. Giggles of a small girl could be heard a few rooms away and the quick patter of small feet could be heard as well, storming into the room. Peter quickly laughed as Morgan practically pushed herself into his arms, "Mornin' Pete!" She looked up at her brother figure and gave him a toothy grin, he smiled again and ruffled her hair before placing a kiss to her head, trying his hardest not to cry again.
"Morning mo" his voice wavered slightly and he looked around, worried incase someone had seen his mask falter -and surely enough Nat was staring at him intensely.
Their morning went smoothly after that, they are breakfast together as Morgan rambled on about her first few weeks at pre school, how she had so many new friends and was doing well in her studies already. They had went to the park, and climbed on the frames together having fun. Well Morgan and the others were. Peter just felt tired and unbothered. When they returned home later in the evening everyone went their separate ways. He had said night to everyone and gave Morgan and pepper a quick kiss on the cheek and hug before returning to his room for the night before going out on patrol.
He swung through the city, the cold air hitting his mask, relishing him in some sort of comfort and familiarity. He soon sat on a building near the tower, not too bothered on heading back yet. His curfew wasn't until one anyways.
His fingers lingered by the bottom of his mask before he decided on taking it off. Taking in a deep breath of the night air, his body relaxed as he laid back. His gaze flickered between the different stars that decorated the night sky and soon enough he found his gaze stuck on one star in particular.
His star.
Peters breath hitched in his throat as tears slowly started clouding his vision and memories of that night filled his head once again.
~
You're the reason he's dead.
You couldn't save him.
He died because he didn't want to be around you.
You failed.
You're worthless.
No one needs you here.
No one cares.
~
His chest felt heavy and he tried to suck in breath as he started choking, he couldn't stop crying and soon the sobs rattled his body, the force of them pushing him upwards. He couldn't stop thinking.
Would anyone even care if I went? I've lost everything I've got nothing.
Peter went over his options before he stood up and carefully went to the ledge of the building. He looked down, it wasn't too high but even for someone with his healing abilities he'd surely die. His breath hitched in his throat as he stood there for a few minutes, thinking everything over. No one cares and no one would miss him if he did this, he'd be with may, Ben and his parents again. He'd be with Tony.
There would be no need to panic anymore or try and stop himself from having a panic attack when he saw Morgan. He'd be free. He'd be happy.
His eyes shut slowly as he made his way fo the ledge. His legs felt like they were on overdrive and he couldn't stop himself until-
"ребенок паук, dont. Oh god please don't my ребенок паук" it was Nat.
He turned around slowly, his body still on the ledge, ready to fall back any minute so he could be free from all his pain.
"Nat please, just go. Let me do this. please" he pleaded, his eyes were heavy and he couldn't stop the sobs racking his chest. They were violent and you could tell they were emotional, everything had been bottled up and suddenly it was coming out.
"ребенок паук, we can go home and have hot chocolate, we don't have to talk, we can sit down and watch your favourite movies. I won't make you do anything you don't want to. But please Pete. Please"
Peter was surprised, an assassin was crying over him, Natasha, was crying because she didn't want him to go. But why? No one cared, he's always been alone, "Auntie Nat please just go home, I can't...please, Don't make me keep doing this, please I don't want to"
Her eyes widened and she slowly reached out, "ребенок паук please. Just come down I can help you" he paused, unsure of what to do.
He wanted to jump. He Wanted to see his family again. But Nat. She could help him.
~
She watched as his eyes looked over at her, seemingly looking over his options, deciding on wether or not he should jump. The wind was quick and loud, matching the pace of her heart as she watched her nephew decide on wether or not he wanted to live or die.
"Please ребенок паук come with me. I love you, we all do. We want to help"
Slowly but surely he nodded. He reached out to her and she grabbed his arm, pulling her ребенок паук close to her. Promising to never let go. Holding his shaking body as he sobbed and cried loudly, she was crying as well but she needed to be there for him. They all had to be.
~
"Hey dad" a boy with doe brown eyes and curly hair stood in front of a large grave. His cheeks were red and his eyes were solemn, reflecting a pain that no kid this young should ever go through.
"It's been a year now. Since you died saving the world. I must admit, I was mad and confused at first, I didn't understand why you would leave me like that, until I realised it was the only way. The only way for you to at least let me and mo grow up and live a somewhat normal life."
The boy looked no older than 17, he was sat in front of the grave now, his hand clasped around his thigh tightly as another rested behind his neck. A habit he had picked up from his dad when he was alive.
"I'm getting better. I'm not there yet, I have my off days. I mean we all do but there are still times where the pain gets too much and I don't want to see Morgan. She's a spitting image of you, did you know that? Everyone's been helping me since that night. I see a therapist, she's nice, she helps me a lot more than she should but she is."
The young boy sighed, looking up and examining the marble, placing a gentle hand on the writing.
"You'd be so proud of Morgan. She's amazing dad. I couldn't of asked for a better sister, she loves hearing stories about you and me. Her favourite is the time when we met. I was only a young boy and you had recruited me to go to Germany with you...I still can't believe I gave you homework as an excuse."
A soft chuckle rung out from the depths of the boys chest, he was fragile and broken. He clasped his hands around each other and placed them in his lap, sighing before looking down.
"I don't know what to tell you dad. I mean yeah I love you and miss you so much and so much has obviously happened over the past year. Yet I still don't have any words. The teams a lot stronger now than it was before, oh and pepper plans for me to take over SI after I graduate and oh yeah I got into MIT dad. I hope you're proud. Everyone says that if you were still here you probably wouldn't shut up about it... and yeah I agree with them for once."
The boy looked up and saw happy hogan standing to the side, he slowly stood up, shuffling about and brushing himself down.
"I love you dad. I never did get to tell you. But I love you."
The silence lingered in the air and the boy silently sobbed, "cmon petter we have a meeting to go to, Dont wanna keep the businessmen waiting"
Peter laughed and ran his hand through his hair, "they can wait a bit longer hap, I mean they can't start the meeting without me right"
The older man chuckled and threw an arm around the older boy, pulling him into his side, ruffling his brown curls slightly, "you're just like him, you know that right? I think all that hanging around with him back then rubbed off on you." The figures laughed whole heartedly before getting into a car and driving away.
~
Here lies Anthony Edward Stark, father, mentor, husband, son and iron man.
He will always be loved and remembered for his sacrifice, we hope he's happy on the other side.
29.05.1970 - 26.04.2023
~
Oh god, okay yeah that hit me in the feels to be honest, and yeah it's two days late I just needed to fix a few things up anyways...
Word count: 2427
Probably the most I've ever written but yeah, night, morning or evening wherever you are and I'll see you guys on the next update.
-Robyn