"Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you"
***
Well, Finn didn't burn down my bar. So that's a bonus.
....However.
Walking into the bar once we got home, and seeing a life sized cut out of a half naked Brad Pitt, stuck on the wall with several suction cup dildos attached to it; is not what I was expecting, but at the same time... exactly what I was expecting from leaving Finn in charge.
I don't even know if I want to know what went on while I was gone.
Harry spent a good fifteen minutes hunched over cackling as soon as we walked in and saw it. As soon as he would compose himself and look up he would only burst out laughing again.
By the time we got up to the apartment, where Finn was staying while we were away and got inside; we both walked in and stopped in our tracks to see Finn in the kitchen in only his tight white underwear and socks, with a dish towel over his shoulder blasting 'Like a virgin' by Madonna while singing seductively into a spatula as he made himself some eggs.
"Finn!" I shout, but his back is to us and he still can't hear me over the deafening level of music.
Thank Christ I don't have neighbours.
"Oooo! Like a virgin! Touched for the very first time!" Finn wails, whipping his hips back and forth in a shimmy as he pushes his eggs around in the frying pan.
"FINN!" I scream at the top of my lungs as I stand just outside of the kitchen.
Finn jolts and spins around on his heel to face me with a startled look until he locks eyes on me, then breaks out into a grin as he shouts and bops to the music again "Oh you're home! I'm making eggs - you want some eggs?"
"Can you turn the music off?" I shout back, barely able to hear him.
Finn cups his hand behind his ear "Huh?"
"Turn the music off!"
"What?"
"The music!"
"I can't hear you!"
Just before I launch into the kitchen to slap him the music cuts out, and I look behind me to see Harry over at the stereo near the TV trying to hide his laugh behind a cough.
"That's better" Finn sighs in relief "So what were you saying Joey? Something about you getting off? So Memphis was good?" He gives me a shit eating grin at the end of his sentence and places his hands on his hips.
"Shut it Finn" I glare, and he only waggles his brows at me before turning back to his eggs "Why is there Brad Pitt in my bar covered in dildos?"
Finn snorts, taking the fry pan off the stove and emptying his eggs onto a plate "We played stick the dick on Brad Pitt on Saturday night - winner got free shots"
"Of course you fucking did" I mutter, pinching the bridge of my nose.
Im not even gonna ask where he got so many dildos from. I don't want to know.
"So I'm guessing that's a no to the scrambled eggs then?" Finn asks, turning to face me again as he pulls the dish towel from his shoulder and drops it on the counter "Harry scramble something else for you over the weekend did he?"
I just keep glaring at Finn, while he looks to Harry with an eager smile and whatever face Harry is making, makes Finns jaw drop like it has a sack of bricks attached to it.
"Oh my god! You two finally fucked!" He squeals in excitement.
I don't know what to say to that. I wasn't exactly planning on announcing it at the top of my lungs.
Im still wrapping my head around the fact I've had sex with a man. It's a big deal for me, and as much as it feels so natural with Harry it's still something so unexpected in my life.
I was kinda hoping Finn wouldn't catch on so quickly but I should have known better.
He whips his wide eyes back and forth between Harry and I then points at me when my silence only proves his assumption further "You so fuckin did!" He shrieks " Look at you! All bright eyed and bushy tailed with that fresh dicked down glow!"
"...Finn" I warn through my teeth, knowing if he keeps going I'm gonna get one of his dildos and slap him to death with it.
"Tell me everything!" He claps his hands together, and then his brows shoot up "So how did you do it? Was there some of this?"
Finn turns to the side, and starts galloping on the spot like he's riding a horse, and swings his arm in a circle above his head "You a cock cowboy now Joey?"
I hear Harry snicker behind me, and I whip my head over my shoulder to glare at him too and he smacks his hand over his mouth.
"Stop encouraging him!" I hiss and Harry gives me an apologetic look but his lips are pressed tightly together while his face his going bright red from holding in his laughter.
"Gimme details!" Finn demands, which makes my attention snap back to him.
He tries to give me an authoritative demanding look with his hands on his hips; thank god hes not galloping anymore but it's really hard to take him seriously when he's standing there in pink tube socks and tighty whities.
"I really don't want to talk about this right now Finn" I say, giving him a look that tells him to drop the subject.
That discomfort is creeping in and I really dont want to be interrogated about this.
He's my best friend, but I'm still coming to terms with all this the best I can and I really dont want to discuss the details of my first time having straight sex right now.
I want time to get use to it before I go around throwing details at people.
It's fine when it's just Harry and I, but it's barely been a month since I left Dylan and confessed to Harry that I realised I wasn't gay - I'm still adjusting.
It doesn't seem like it, but this has all happened fast and I'm trying to take it all in stride as best I can.
In Finns own dumb ass way, I know this is him trying to be supportive and show that he's excited for me, it's not coming from a bad place but right now I feel a bit overwhelmed.
I think the walls of all that composure I had over all of this is starting to crack the more I'm confronted with it.
"Awe come on Joey" Finn whines, throwing his head back "You can't expect me not to want to know about what my best friends first time with a dick in 30 years was like. I wanna know what it was like for yo-"
"It felt like fucking a dick being put inside me Finn" I snap raising my voice, feeling way too overwhelmed "Happy? That what you wanted to hear?"
Finns brows drop at my outburst, he's use to me snapping at him but there's usually always humour there. I'm never genuinely upset.
However, you can hear in my voice I don't have an ounce of humour in it and how uncomfortable I sound.
"Im going to my room" I mutter, wanting to get away from the situation and not understanding why I feel so anxious and insecure over the whole thing suddenly or why I feel like I'm filled with panic "Enjoy your eggs"
I don't look at Harry as I turn and walk towards my bedroom and up the hallway but I can feel his stare on me the entire time.
Just as I reach my room I hear Finns voice and assume he's talking to Harry before I open the door and walk in.
"Jesus Christ do you ejaculate a bitchy attitude into someone when you come? What's wrong with her?"
I couldn't tell you what made me react the way I did.
I was honestly fine with everything until Finn started, it was almost like hearing it come from someone else made the reality of it slap me in the face when I wasn't in the dream bubble I seem to float in around Harry.
I'd say I'm just being hormonal, but I'm not. I haven't had my period in 5 years so I don't know what the hell is going on with me.
That's also another thing that's freaking me out over having to talk to Harry about, I don't even know how to bring up that kind of conversation.
I shut my bedroom door and sit on my bed, resting my head in my hands trying to compose myself.
I ended my 8 year relationship and a month later I'm having sex with a man, a man I'm in love with.
I went from a relationship I was absolutely miserable in, to someone who makes me feel like we're the only two people in the world when he looks at me and its almost like my heart doesn't know what to do with it.
Not to mention we live together.
This is a lot. A lot really quickly. I have always known that since I kissed him but now it's really sinking in.
I haven't had much time to think about it because I've been so consumed in Harry but now that all the worries and insecurities are creeping it's like I can't turn them off.
Have I rushed into this?
Have I screwed up jumping into all of this so fast?
Fuck what's going on with me? Why is this hitting me like a fucking train right now? I was fine this morning.
There's a knock at the door before it opens slowly, and Harrys soft voice hits my ears "Joey? Can I come in?"
I just nod, still resting my face in my hands.
I feel like I'm over reacting and it's frustrating Me but I can't help the panic that suddenly hit me.
The door closes and a few moments later I feel the bed sink next to me as Harry sits and his hand comes to rest on my back as he rubs a soothing pattern over the back of my shoulders.
"Are you okay? What happened out there?"
"I don't know..." I say with my voice quiet, still trying to figure it out.
Harry stays quiet for a moment, and when he speaks he sounds like he's choosing his words carefully "Did you not want anyone knowing? That we'd slept together? Are you regretting it?"
This makes me look at him, and while his eyes look worried under his creased brows, he has insecurity on his face as well.
"What? No of course I don't regret it." I say with my own brows furrowing "I just... I don't know, I wasn't expecting Finn to interrogate me about it as soon as I walked in the door"
I breathe out a heavy sigh and rest my forehead against the palm of my hand looking back at the ground "I just panicked. I don't know why. I'm still getting use to all of this, I don't know why I reacted that way - it's just, a lot has happened in a short amount of time. I think some of it just caught up with me"
I'm trying my hardest to be honest here, I hate talking about my feelings and Harry knows that but I really am trying; I never want him thinking I regret a single thing about him, I never could.
Harry shifts closer and wraps his arm around my shoulder, hugging me to him and presses a kiss against my temple "Why do you think I keep asking if you're okay or how you're feeling? A lot of really really fucking big changes have happened for you and you've barely reacted to it - it worries me"
"I've been fine though - until just before that is" I mumble, moving so I can swing my legs over his lap and wrap my arms around his waist to get closer and rest my head against his shoulder.
"That's the problem Joey, is that youve been fine. Its like you're not dealing with everything that's happened" he says gently, squeezing his arm around my shoulders in a reassuring manner "You're allowed to be overwhelmed"
"...Do you think I rushed into this? You know... with us?" I ask forcing the words out, but keep my voice timid. I'd be surprised if he even heard me.
How the hell did my mood take such a quick turn today?
It's also strange talking about something that's bothering me, because if I ever did that with Dylan she made me feel guilty or like I was a burden.
Harry always makes me feel like I could tell him anything.
He doesn't answer straight away, but when he does he asks me a question instead and he sounds like he's nervous about the answer.
"Do you think you've rushed into things with me?"
I think for a moment and decide to just go with the honest answer "Logical part of my brain says maybe, but my heart says absolutely not"
"I don't even know what we are" I add, just letting my thoughts come out, out loud.
He tilts his head down to look at me but I have my eyes focused on my legs hung over his lap, and his tone comes out soft "What would you like us to be?"
I shrug my shoulder "I dunno, the term boyfriend still sounds so bizarre to me - I guess, I dunno we just never really put a label on anything. If someone asked who you were to me I wouldn't know what to call you"
I can hear the smile in the inflection in Harrys voice "You've thought about me being your boyfriend?"
I clear my throat and shrug again - Christ I feel lile I'm back in high school.
"May have crossed my mind"
He hums, moving his free hand to rest on my thigh and rub slow circles against the denim on my legs "You can call me whatever you want Joey, there's no hurry to decide on that - we've got plenty of time to figure it out, I'm not going anywhere. Call me your boyfriend, lover, partner or just Harry I don't mind. I'm just happy I've got you"
I snort, a grin breaking out over my face as I look up at him "Lover? That makes it sound like I'm some married woman and you're the exotic pool boy I'm having an affair with"
Harry grins back with his eyes lighting up, looking happy just to see a smile on my face "I'll be your pool boy if you really want me to"
I scrunch my nose up "Nah, you don't have the moustache for it"
He raises a cheeky brow "Want me to grow one? Could be fun. I'd offer free moustache rides" he finishes his sentence by raises and dropping his brows at me and it makes me throw my head back with a loud cackle.
I'll never understand how this boy has the ability that he does to obliterate any sadness in me in mere minutes, but god do I appreciate him for it.
He makes me forget what I was even worried about in the first place.
God I wish mum could have met him, she's the only other person that could do that with me.
"Calm down lover boy" I grin, shaking my head at him when I finally look at him.
His light eyes dart over my face before they land on my lips, and he ducks his face down to steal a kiss; keeping it soft and affectionate before pulling away and nudging my nose with his own.
"You feeling a bit better now baby?"
"Yeah, I am actually" I sigh, relaxing against him and nuzzling my face closer to the crook of his neck.
Vanilla and patchouli. I'll never get tired of that smell.
"Think I'm over my sudden meltdown" I joke, fiddling with the material of his shirt over his stomach.
He rests his cheek against the top of my head and starts rubbing his palm up and down my thigh "You're allowed to have those though love, I just want you to promise me you'll tell me if anything gets too much for you, alright? You can always trust me"
"I'm trying - I really am." I assure him, and I hope he knows just how genuinely I mean that.
Harry just squeezes his arm around me again and we sit there for a few moments in silence; getting distracted by small affectionate touches and enjoying the home like comfort of being wrapped up in each other.
Its such a strange all consuming feeling to have with a person, where you could let the rest of existence melt away around you and just let time lose meaning around you, staying close them.
"Finn feels really bad" Harry pipes up after a few minutes "He hates that he upset you, he was just excited - he wanted me to tell you that he's sorry and he'll give you a free pass to punch him in the balls"
I laugh under my breath, shaking my head "He doesn't need to feel bad, I'll talk to him about it - but I'll keep that punch in the balls for a rainy day because I know I'll wanna use it with him at some point"
"I don't doubt that" Harry agrees, smiling again. "You ready to go back out there yet?"
"Yeah" I sigh "We need to get the bar ready to open any way - That's one other thing I didn't think I'd be doing with my day today"
"What's that?" Harry questions lifting his head to look down at me, and I look back with a deadpan expression.
"Pulling dildos off Brad Pitt"
***