48
Lalisa
How do you love someone and just.... walk away? just like that. You just, go on as normal... you get up, get dressed, go to work.. how can you do that? How can you be okay with that?
Nung gabing nagmaka'awa ako kay Jennie na balikan niya ako.... Sabi ko sa sarili ko na yun na yung huling beses na magmamakaawa ako sa isang tao just to stay with me. Pinangako ko sa sarili ko na, yung sakit na nararamdaman ko kay Jennie... yun yung gagamitin kong inspirasyon para makabangon akong muli. That night she killed me. No weapons. No bloodshed. Just five words. "I don't love you anymore." The way she left things with me.... after everything that we've been through together, gave me all of the closure I needed.
But I realized na when you're dreaming with a broken heart pala, Waking up is the hardest part. Araw araw, tinatanong ko yung sarili ko kung bakit niya ako nagawang iwan. Am I not enough? Bawat araw na lumipas, pakiramdam ko nabubuhay nalang ako kasi wala akong choice. Yung pangarap ko dati na maging Doctor.... ngayon parang wala na lang sakin. To the point na, I almost lost my scholarship because I failed some of my subjects. But Sir Yang gave me another chance and that is also one of the biggest question in my life...... Why? Why did he gave me another chance? Why does he have to say that?
Flashback
I was in the office of the head officer of the medicine building with Dr. Cruz. Sabi nila they want to talk to me about my scholarship. Eto na ba yun? Will I finally go back to the Philippines? Like I want to? Almost 2 years na ako dito sa Korea and I never did good. Parang pumunta lang akong Korea para tumakas sa kanya.
"Lisa, ano bang nangyayari sayo? This isn't you. Kung may problema ka, you can always tell me naman hindi yung ganito. Your scholarship is on the rock, Lisa. Sir Yang said he wants to talk to you." Dr. Cruz said.
Tanggap ko na. Tanggap ko na na wala na yung scholarship ko. Na hindi ko na matutupad kahit kailan yung pangarap ko dahil sa katangahan ko.
Pumasok ako sa office ni Sir Yang. There he was, sitting on his swivel chair. Looking serious as ever.
"Hi, Sir. I...." I just stand in front of him. No words seems to come out of my mouth. I was embarrased.
"Please. Sit down." I did what he said. I sat in front of him. Looking down.
"How are you?" As soon as he asked that, I looked up to meet him.
"I'm... I'm good, Sir."
"Are you sure? Mukhang hindi naman yun ang nalaman ko. Ms. Manoban, I know you have a problem, everyone does. I have so much high expectations from you."
Good bye, Scholarship. Good bye, Med.
"I'm... I'm sorry sir. I understand if you want to stop sponsoring me. It's all my fault."
"You are smart, Ms. Manoban. And I know you're a good person. You just need to focus on yourself a little more. I believe in you, Lisa-ssi. If you really want to be successful, then prove to me I'm wrong. Because maybe... just maybe... matanggap kita."
Hindi ko alam kung bakit sinasabi sa akin ito ni Sir Yang ngayon. And what does he mean by "matanggap kita"? Matanggap sa trabaho?
"Does that mean-"
"Yes, Ms. Manoban. I'm giving you another chance. But this is the last. So you better work hard. Prove to me that you are worthy enough."
End of flashback
Ilang taon na ang naka'lipas simula nung encounter namin ni Sir Yang. Ginawa ko yung sinabi niya. I worked hard. Harder even. I graduated medical school and done with my residency. Isa na akong ganap na doctor at the age of 29. A lot of things happened before I could get to where I am today. But also a lot of people helped me get through this. Chaeng, even though she's miles away from me, never failed to support me. Binisita niya ako twice dito sa Korea. She's working in New York now kasama si Chanyeol. Si Seul naman.... ayun, Kasal na sila ni ate Irene. Who would have thought na si Seul pa unang ikakasal samin? Si Kai din, he's planning to propose to Krystal na. Si ate Chu.... yes, ate Chu and I talked. But we never talked about her. Ate Chu's getting married in 2 weeks and she wants me to come. Actually, everyone's going to be there sa kasal ni Ate Chu. Even her. Syempre, mawawala ba siya dun.
"Lisa, please? Pumunta ka. Miss na miss ka na nila." I'm with ate Chu now. Nandito siya sa Korea to bond with Jinyoung's family.
"I know, Miss ko na din naman sila eh. It's just that... madami pa akong aasikasuhin na paper works eh." I lied. Ang totoo nan, Pinagbabakasyon ako nung head doctor namin since I've done my work ahead of time.
"Liar. I know you're on vacation now. Jungkook told me."
Wow. Talaga naman. Jungkook and I really became close. As in close. Para ko na siyang kapatid. Sabay kaming grumaduate and all.
"What did he said? Fake news yun."
"Lisa, you can't fool me. Bakit ba ayaw mo umuwi? It's been 6 or what? 7 years? Since nung umuwi ka. Nagtatampo pa din sayo si Seul kasi hindi ka pumunta sa kasal nila ni Irene. Kai wants his Manobki to be there on the day na magpropropose siya. And me, magagalit talaga ako sayo kapag hindi ka pumunta sa kasal ko." Ate Chu said.
Wow, bakit parang kasalanan ko?
"Hindi ka pa din ba nakakapag'move on? Kaya ba naghiwalay kayo ni Mina?"
Yep. You read it right. Mina and I happened. Past tense.
After nung graduation nila nila Chaeng, Mina went to Korea. Pinuntahan niya ako. She stayed with me noong mga panahon na sobrang patapon na yung buhay ko. I was actually pushing her away. Kasi alam ko na iiwan at iiwan lang din naman niya ako kagaya ng ginawa ni.... you know who. But she never left me. I realized na hindi lahat iiwan ka, so I tried to work things up with Mina. She's one of the reason kung bakit ako nagsumikap ulit. I enjoyed her company, I never feel like I'm alone whenever I'm with her. I was happy.... really. But I know in my heart and in my mind that whenever I'm with Mina, A part of me wishing that sana it was Jennie instead of Mina.
Until one day, hindi na kinaya ng konsensya ko. I told Mina the truth. Sabi niya alam naman daw niya na kahit kailan hindi niya mapapalitan sa puso ko si.... Jennie. She set me free. Akala ko magagalit siya sakin, but no. She even told me na I should try to fix everything with Jennie daw. But I know it's not that easy anymore. I know Jennie moved on... matagal na. Baka nga kasal na sila ni Taehyung ngayon eh. She's happy now... yun naman ang mahalaga.
"Hoy! You're spacing out." I heard ate Chu said.
"What? Ano yun?"
"Sabi ko, mag move on kana."
"I have moved on, matagal na." Talaga ba.
"Really? Then bakit naghiwalay kayo ni Mina? Kasi na'realize mo na mahal mo pa si Jennie? You still want her back?"
Until now, it amazes me how Ate Chu's always right.
"No, because I don't deserve Mina. She's too good for me and I don't want to hurt her. And No, I don't want her back."
"You don't want her back but you still feel a pit in your stomach when you catch a glimpse of her face on a stranger. You don't want her back but your heart still races whenever someone mentions her name. You don't want her back but you wonder if she will ever return. You don't want her back pero hinihiling mo na sana bumalik siya. You don't want her back but if she still wanted you, you probably, maybe, would change your mind."
"Fine! I'm going back." I roll my eyes at her. Wala na akong nagawa kasi lahat naman ng sinabi niya, tama :(
"Going back saan? Sa Pilipinas? Or.... sa kaniya?"
"Sa Pilipinas."
Sa Pilipinas.... kung saan nandun siya.
"Okay, then see you in the Philippines." Then she smiled at me.
Better prepare yourself, Lalisa.