Chapter 41: Caged Bird
April
Right now, I feel like a bird
Caged without a key
Everyone comes to stare at me
With so much joy and reverie
They don't know how I feel inside
Through my smile, I cry
They don't know what they're doing to me
Keeping me from flying
That's why I say that...
I know why the caged bird sings
Only joy comes from song
She's so rare and beautiful to others
Why not just set her free?
[Caged Bird: Alicia Keys]
Laid up under the sun with her Versace shades shielding her chocolate brown eyes from the sun April took in the scenery as she sipped on a frozen drink. The sun was shining brightly as the weather was almost stifling but she didn't care she needed this. She needed the heat. Her body craved the warmth. April sat up against the plush pillows on the outside daybed clothed in a scandalous yellow monokini just soaking in the sun and watching the waves crash back and forth against themselves. She was looking like a seven course meal. Yes, April was looking like an aperitif, entre, salad, main course, cheese, dessert, and fuck a coffee she looked like a fine ass glass of wine. She had finally felt like she could breath, think in peace, and re-evaluate herself and her life in general. Of course the weather was shitty in Jersey but it was beautiful and almost breathtaking in Jamaica. That's where she had been for the past week and damn it felt good. She felt good. She felt free. There were no phone calls, long meetings, and colleagues breathing down her neck. There was no work period.
April finally took her therapist's advice and took a much needed vacation. She had started planning it the day of the bad snow storm and took care of everything she needed before actually leaving. There was no family or friends. It was just her and she didn't mind one bit. That's how she planned it. She needed to be by herself. The only people that knew she had left were her parents although they wished she had taken someone with her but they understood the reason for her going by herself. Of course her security detail was beefed up but she didn't mind. She was use to them being around anyway and besides they gave her enough space to feel like she was alone. April had rented out a house for a month that was off the beach, had all the amenities she required, and her fridge was fully stocked so she didn't want or need for anything but to have a good time and live in the moment. To embrace the freedom she had.
For the most part all she did so far was walk and jog along the beach in her thoughts and swim here and there but what she found herself doing quite often was writing in her journal courtesy of her therapist. She found it to be therapeutic. To April it felt good to unload all of her thoughts on paper instead of having someone listening to her feeling as though she was just repeating the same things over and over and over again and sugar coating her feelings to appease them. When in reality she wasn't fine and she felt like breaking down. Her emotions were all over the place. Sure Dave played his part in it all but April also had other things on her mind that she needed to properly cope with before she went down a self-destructive path. With her journal she wrote no matter how she felt. She got to spill her guts and all her silent thoughts. The good, the bad, and the ugly she expressed herself freely. So many questions floated around in her head.
Who was she? April knew that she was still figuring herself out so she didn't stress too much over this question because it was one that everybody questioned about themselves.
Did she love herself? She absolutely did but she felt like she needed to love on herself a little bit more.
Was love meant for her?
Why couldn't she be happy?
Was she just a stepping stone for men to fall in love with and find out what they wanted in a woman then discard her and try to find better with someone else who had all of the qualities she possessed but just wasn't her?
Was she just someone to screw over and step on like she meant nothing?
Was she worth fighting for? This was a question that pained her. Neither Chris nor Dave fought for her so she didn't know how she truly felt about that.
Was she not good enough? She thought that she was. She knew she had a lot to offer.
Question after question yet no answers. Most she knew she wouldn't get answers to. April had time to think clearly about everything though. She also had time to think about both Chris and Dave and what they meant to her.
When it came to Chris April realized that she for a fact loved him but she was no longer in love with him. Chris although he had fucked up time and time again was her safety net. He was someone she was comfortable with so that's why she stuck around. Now he was just a friend who she had love for. Their friendship had been A1. Certain topics they didn't discuss but for the most part they talked about everything. He helped keep a smile on her face and kept her laughing with his goofy antics. He could still read her but knew it wasn't his place to push her.
There were times where she caught herself thinking about what would happen if they tried again but as soon as the thought crossed her mind she was pushing the idea right out of her head. Chris had chance after chance to do right by her but never did so friendship was the only thing she wanted from him. Chris had caused her more harm than good and her heart couldn't take the chance of letting him back in. April didn't know what the future held for them but she was grateful to have her friend back. He might've been a sucky ass boyfriend but he was never a shitty friend. Maybe they should've never crossed that line to begin with. Although he was a sucky ass boyfriend she couldn't deny that the love they shared during their first two years together were the best. It was real, it was genuine, and it was pure during that time. She knew if he could be, Chris would always be there for her no questions asked no matter what.
April knew that he truly knew in his heart that he fucked up and it was a feeling he never wanted to feel again. It had taken a toll on him just as much as it did her. It might've not been worse than hers but it still took a toll on him because he had to feel what life was like without the one he loved by his side. So no April wasn't willing to cross that line again and fuck up what they had rebuilt she loved her Chrissy as a friend. She hoped that one day he would eventually fall in love again with someone who loved him wholeheartedly and fill any voids he had within himself and make him feel whole again. She wanted him to be loved because he had a lot of love to give. No matter how they ended he still deserved and was entitled to happiness and a happy ending just like the rest. April wanted the best for him. It just wasn't going to be her. She had been there and done that. Chris was for somebody else.
Then there was Dave...David Lawrence Brewster Jr. He had been who and what April needed when it seemed like she was unworthy or not enough for a man to treat her how she deserved. The moments they shared, the laughs, the smiles, and the happiness he made her feel. Dave made her feel wanted. He made her feel feelings she had long ago forgotten. What she felt for him she couldn't say because it was too early to even think it, whisper it, or say it out loud. She wouldn't even mumble it. They weren't even a couple but she felt that tantalizing magnetic pull the moment they shared their first embrace. It was the same feeling she felt to this day. It was beyond like but he would never know and she would never tell. It was her little big secret to keep.
Dave was the couple of forevers that she yearned for but would never have and the fastest she could accept it the better off she would be. She had to accept that he had a family a whole child and the child's mother. April didn't fit in. There was no room for her. Simply put she was not part of the equation. Dave wouldn't be able to fully love and accept her since he was still very much in love with his baby mother or at least loved her. She too had to accept this. At one point Dave had been the light at the end of the dark tunnel for her but April knew he was still harboring feelings for someone else no matter what he said. If only she would've listened to her gut. If they had remained together it wouldn't have worked out for long and she would've ended up broken hearted yet again. Then again she was already low key heart broken. April had fell for him and fell hard. How could she not? He laid up with her and whispered that good shit in her ears for months on end. She just wished he'd a told her how he felt about Millie from jump before her feelings for him deepened the way they had.
Dave would've been better off as a cuddy buddy that way no feelings would have been involved. But going against her better judgement and the butterflies that soared in her stomach every time he was near she decided to explore a relationship with him instead. He filled her head up with all this talk about how much of a treasure she was, how lucky he was to have her and how he would be stupid for leaving her and yet here she was again single and alone. April felt like here we go again. Let a man in, he gets what he wants, and then he backs out. They didn't even last a whole weekend. Shit she didn't even get a chance to sample the D and boy was she pissed at that.
April knew that Dave could only give her but so much. It seemed like in all her relationships her partners could only give her but so much. She wanted to forget that Dave had stepped into her life and shook up her world. She felt like she was in snow globe and everything was cool and calm as it could be and then out of nowhere somebody came along and picked up the snow globe and shook it up fucking up the bubble she had built for herself and caused nothing but chaos.
She wanted to forget what his lips felt like against hers.
What his hands felt like against her skin...
The intoxicating scents of him a hint of weed, a dash of cocoa butter, and a sprinkle of his expensive cologne...
The sounds of his laugh...
The feel of his body pressed against hers...
That beautiful smile...
And even the mug he kept on his face...
April wanted to forget about how he made her feel. Dave had walked into her life, opened her up, and willing left without putting up a fight. April knew that it was somewhat her fault because she did initiate the breakup yet he didn't attempt to stop her. He did not fight for her. Was she not worth a fight? She had been fighting for niggas for far too long just this once she wanted someone to fight for her. Sounds repetitive but that's what she wanted. April wanted and needed him when she had gotten back from seeing Chris. It was a weekend full of emotions for her. Talking to Chris about their failed relationship, finally letting Chris know about their little angel, apologizing to her friends, and the epic fallout between he and Trey she definitely needed Dave that day. She was going through so much and when she needed him he couldn't be there for her. He was busy babysitting his baby mama playing captain save an old looking hoe. The moment Millie opened the door to his place April realized that no matter what Millie would always be there and as long as she wanted Dave she would do whatever she could to reach him and get her back in his grasp. Meaning April and Dave would never be able to be happy because Millie would always be around to stake her claim.
What April also realized was that Millie was Dave's Chris. He would always run back to her until he was officially fed up and wanted no parts of her. Yet Dave was the man who made her happy so how would she ever forget him. She couldn't no matter how bad she wanted to. At the end of the day she might not have had Dave but at least she helped a little girl who knew nothing of her get her family back. Guess that counted for something. At least somebody got to be happy at the expense of her happiness. She had to think on the bright side because all she saw and felt when it came to Dave was heart break.
The more April thought about things the more she felt like maybe she didn't want or need a man. She always ended up alone and getting the shit end of the stick so maybe just maybe she didn't need to try to be in any relationships. She could focus on herself, work, family, friends, and truly enjoy life by herself to figure out who she actually was and love herself like no man could ever love her. Maybe all she needed when I came to a man was a cuddy buddy with a nondisclosure agreement and good dick. That way she could fuck and duck and keep it moving. It didn't work that way with Dave but it would have to work with the next nigga because that was her only option. April was out for self. She was on her nigga shit. Dudes fucked and ducked everyday so why couldn't she. So yes she was back on her cuddy buddy bullshit because something had to give. April wasn't going to waste her time letting another nigga in just to get the same results in return. They say the third time is a charm but she wanted no smoke.
That shit didn't sound bad and her feelings wouldn't get hurt because all it was...was sex. Just two consenting adults fucking and leaving after the deed was done. April felt like that would be the best option for her so the next nigga that entered her life would be dick and that's all. That's all she had to give. She wasn't here for catching feelings. April would focus on herself and that's it. Happy endings and real love were only for a selective few and she realized that maybe she wasn't part of that crew and she was going to be ok with that and live her best life. She would define her own happiness and stop depending on a man to supply something that she could do herself. Her happiness would never again lie in the hands of a man. Her life...Her heart...Her happiness was all in her hands just the way it should've been since day one.
Finishing off her drink April grabbed her things and went inside the house, put her glass on the kitchen island, then went straight to her bedroom. It was still early so she wanted to grab a cover up and take a stroll on the beach and take a few pictures to capture the moment.
Girl you looks good, won't you back that ass up?
You's a fine motherfucker, won't you back that ass up?
Call me big daddy when you back that ass up
Hoe who is you playing with? Back that ass up
Back that ass up by Juvenile burst through her phone's speakers as soon as her hand touched her cover up. Whose ringtone was it? Nobody but Alaina's because her ass stayed twerking and she personally changed her ringtone to that. Imagine being out and about and that shit starts playing and all you want to do is stop what you're doing and throw that ass in a circle but you're out and about and you can't. April dealt with that on a daily.
"Hey Thing 2" April answered the facetime call to see her little sister looking pissed off. "What's wrong and whose ass do I gotta beat" April asked immediately going into protective big sister mode getting pissed herself. She hated to see her sister upset.
"You gotta call Dave and I mean like now. Between me, Haze, ma and pops, AND Chris it's bout to be a fuckin problem" she spat harshly.
"What the fuck happened now" April asked as she took a seat on the bed. It was never a dull moment.
"His bitch done overdid it this time. I'm a send you the screen shots. I know you might not want to say anything but she's liable to get fucked up...I just sent them"
April rolled her eyes. It was always something with Millie. She just couldn't leave her alone. "Ok, they just came through. Hold on" April went straight to her text messages and opened them.
Thing2💕:
Got my family back and now I finally got my man back. I wonder though🤔 Why can't you keep a man? Is it the fact that you can't satisfy them boo? You got everything and still you ain't enough for them. Is it that you can't please them or what you can't have kids. Or is it the simple fact that you're just a seat warmer and just keeping niggas warm until their mains come along. Whatever it is thanks for keeping him warm for me sis😘
Let me stop before papi gets mad😝. Ain't that what you use to call him. Like ain't enough ma it's love that'll keep a nigga. Guess you didn't make it that far. He would've never loved you like he loves me. I'm his baby mama. I know you knew I wasn't going anywhere😝
Sike nah I just wanted to say thank you for being the place holder that you are. If you wouldn't have popped up I'd never realize just how much I wanted my family AND my man back so I thank you for that😘
#Brewster4life #Wegoodoverhere #Howyoulikemenow #Papigoodoverhere #WISHINGHEWASYANIGGA #Youjustaseatwarmerma
April couldn't believe what she had just read. "Yea I'm a call you back. I'm a hit up Bully I'm done being nice" April hung up before Alaina could say anything else. The shit that ole girl had said definitely triggered her but the one that hurt her the most was the baby comment. Of course Dave didn't know she had a kid but any woman would be mad at that shit kid or no kid. It was disrespectful as hell. She immediately called Bully since she no longer had Dave's number.
"Lil sis what up" Bully answered on the third ring.
"Hey brotha sorry to call you with this bullshit but tell Dave to call me immediately his bitch bout to get hurt courtesy of me and my family"
"I knew she was gonna get in some shit. I'll tell him to hit you up"
"Thanks Bully and tell him this definitely ain't a game. He knows who my pops is" and with that she hung up the phone furious as all hell as she called Alaina back.
"Did you reach him" Alaina asked as soon as she answered.
"Nah I got Bully to tell him to call me. This bitch been starting shit since the day I met her ole old face ass ole Rufus naked mole rat lookin bitch but this shit right here pushed it. I'm so tired of being nice to bitches who don't deserve it. It's been damn near what six months since I left Dave and she's still talking shit. She should be happy she got him" April rolled her eyes. She was ready to whoop Millie's ass herself.
"I'm pissed Dave still don't got his bitch on a leash. I know he sees that bullshit. She acts like she's so damn happy and in love. Obviously she can't be if she still has time to talk shit"
"She's a bitter bitch that's bout to collect this ass whooping. This is why I left Dave. I'm not gonna sit around and tolerate her bullshit. Can you imagine if I'd a stayed with him? I'd be whooping her as on sight every time I saw her ugly ass. Like bitch be happy you got ya so-called man and family back enjoy that shit while it lasts"
"At the rate she's going that shit ain't gonna last. I'm bout ready to put my foot in her ass"
"She thinks she slick she wants me to out myself so she can get a quick fifteen off me cause clout off of Dave ain't enough. Fuck around and I'm a give her fifteen and she ain't gonna like my fifteen either" April smacked her lips as her leg shook. She was heated and had every right to be.
"Hold on this Hazel. I'm a merge the call"
"Ok"
"Bitch I'm bout to hop on a flight to Jersey and take my ass to Dyckman and fuck a bitch up" Hazel burst in. "We all been nice for way too long not tryna put you out there but she's asking and so shall she receive" Hazel kept at it. They all had a reason to be pissed. Every one of them had been quiet not trying to make it known that April had been the woman Dave had been talking to but Millie was making it hard for them to keep quiet.
"She thinks the shit she keeps saying is gonna be rewarding. I'm bout to name my ass Karma and bite that bitch in her ass. I don't want any of y'all to interfere. Y'all got too much to lose and so do I but I'll be aight if I lost a battle. I'll handle this shit myself and I damn sure don't need Chris stepping in. He already has a target on his back as it is. They're waiting for him to slip up. I can't allow y'all to step in"
"Bitch bye do you think we give a fuck bout that shit. We family we ride together until the wheels fall off and when those wheels fall off we gonna get more and ride those shit and that's just how it goes" Alaina spat.
"Yea but you just graduated, got ya degree, and you're a teacher. I'm not bout to let this bitch get you into some shit no matter what you say" April spoke. There was no way in hell April would let Millie fuck up her little sister's career. She wasn't worth it. Millie didn't have shit to lose but everyone else in April's family did. They all had careers and were making something of themselves.
"She still gonna get got" Alaina smacked her lips.
"Yes, yes she is but not by none of y'all. This is my fight and I know how to defend myself"
"Tell me you got in touch with Dave" Hazel asked.
"I'm waiting for him to call me. I hit up Bully and told him to tell Dave to hit me up"
"He better call too cause I'm bout ready to fuck him up too. His ass already on my shit list" Hazel was off Dave's ass. She felt like he had led April on because it was way too easy for him to let her go and then jump right into a relationship with his baby mama the same chick he kept saying he wasn't checking for.
"Trust he's gonna call I ain't worried bout that. I don't understand bitches like that. Like you got what you wanted but you still ain't satisfied or happy. Like does she even know that all of this bullshit isn't gonna be a good look for Dave? Bitch doesn't give a fuck bout nobody but her damn self" April went in.
"Yet she loves him so much but out here acting reckless giving him a bad name" Alaina spoke.
"Then again you know how she used to come at Dave's neck when they weren't together. Bitch ain't change shit" Hazel spat. "She just didn't want to see him happy and definitely not happy with you"
"All I wanted to do was get away and enjoy myself but as usual someone wants to fuck up my peace and my vibe. It's like I can't win for losing. I can never be happy. Every time I find a glimpse of happiness someone comes along and swipes that shit away. My day was going by so good and now this shit" April sighed in frustration. She was tired plain ole sick and tired and DONE.
"Skrtttttt bitch rewind. Where the fuck you at" Hazel asked making April and Aliana laugh.
"I'm in Jamaica. I been here for a week"
"Sooooo you just up and leave and ain't tell nobody" Alaina sassed not liking being left out. It wasn't the fact that she wanted to be there with her but for safety purposes. She felt like she should know where she was at. Just because they didn't live together anymore didn't mean shit changed.
"How you know I ain't want to go on vacation" Hazel jokingly asked.
"I told mommy and daddy. I didn't ask or tell anyone because I needed a me-cation. I need some alone time with myself to just focus on me. So I'll be here for the next three weeks"
"Ya ass lucky school pretty much just started back" Alaina sucked her teeth. They had pretty much just got back from winter break.
"And my ass working on my clothing line oh well while ya out there maybe you can find a sexy ass Jamaican man to enjoy the rest of ya me-cation with" Hazel said with some excitement.
"Nope no ma'am I'm good over here" April chuckled as her phone beeped. "Hold on I got a text" April went to her messages and opened them.
718-555-5454: Hey ma this Dave I've been trying to reach you for the past 10 minutes. Hit me up when you get a chance.
"Hey guys this East bitch ass let me call y'all right back" she spoke.
"Bet" they hung up.
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-Happy Reading I hope you guys enjoy 😊
-Well our good sis is on a me-cation trying to get right with herself but as usual something has to happen 🙄
-Do you think this little time away will do her some good?
-As you guys can see she is not interested in getting back with Chris but Dave still has a hold on her.
-Raggedy ass Agnes is on some bs smh when will she learn🤦🏾♀️
-Let's Talk how are y'all feeling bout this chapter and what's going on so far? Besides Agnes getting her ass whooped 😂 what would y'all like to see?
-Any, who sharing is caring so tell a friend to tell a friend 😊 Don't forget to comment, vote, & add to your libraries🤗
-If you are reading and you aren't commenting no problem don't forget to color the ⭐️ please and thank you ☺️