" It has gotten better.", Nate stated casually while we waited in my office for Thompson to show up.
"What has gotten better?", I asked while fidgeting in my chair, what can I say? I just hate to wait.
" The way the people here look at you, they seem like they are not as scared of you as before."
I raised an eyebrow and looked doubtful at him " Why would you think this?"
" The man who stood in the hallway greeted you, that's unusual ."
" Oh! You mean Pete? Yeah, he's the only cool one here, he's new... "
" Not only he, but the others didn't stare at you like before, they weren't as deadly silent like before and so on! Looks like thy start to like you, Shaya! I'm proud!"
With an amused and awkward smile, I looked down at my lap and bit my bottom lip. It was a nice theory of him, but sadly not even one percent true.
" Oh, Shay", he stood up abruptly and looked frustrated at me," what did you do?!"
" There could be a slight chance that I, well, uhm ..."
" Agent Morin, open your damn mouth and speak!"
" I swear if you wouldn't be my best friend- "
" Probably, your only friend..."
" Hey! If you wouldn't be my best friend, I would've beaten you up so many times. This disrespect... "
" Damn, Shaya, can you just tell me what you've done? I've known you for long enough, and the things which I've seen you were doing were awful and terrible, but I am still standing here. So...?
Please tell me?"
I sighed and looked at him with sorry in my eyes for my stubbornness.
" Okay, I'll tell you, but don't say I'm crazy in the end. I know I did some shit there.
It was one year ago, I came here after a mission, was covered in blood and in a really bad mood, I won't go into details now, but yeah.
A few doctors from our lab were too scared of me and didn't want to medicate me.
I...got furious and completely lost it, so I walked slowly to the top level of the stairs, the ones that saw me were already quiet but to get the full attention, I pulled out my gun and shot into the air three times.
I know that it's not clever to shoot in front of almost a hundred,well schooled CIA agents with guns, but well, that's what I did.
Fortunately, no one shot me accidentally and I started to tell them a whole lecture about why I'm not dangerous at all and that they should behave like I was a normal human being.
Again, I was covered in blood so it wasn't quite authentic...
This wasn't even the worst part, Nate.
Then after I calmed down an agent ran into the hall and screamed about a prisoner who stole his gun.
Not even one second after it, they all freaked out, over a hundred agents were scared about one, ONE criminal.
I thought I've gone completely insane then, but before I could normally ask where this prisoner could be, I felt a familiar, cold thing pressed against the back of my neck, and everything fell quiet again.
The prisoner screamed that we should all shut the fuck up, and that he had released some others too, that we'd all die if they wouldn't get immunity and so on.
And really, after a minute two others stood beside us."
" But, Shay, there were many agents, they needed to do something different then just standing there and watching, even if they took you as a captive."
" Well, yeah, but Thompson made very clear that I mustn't die, so no one dared to hold up their gun for too long.
Well, I got impatient, somehow took the gun and shot one of them. I pushed the other one of the banister and slammed the last ones head into a pole...
Then I walked to the railing again and looked into the shocked faces of our colleagues, " See, I told you I'm not dangerous for you", I tried to comfort them but failed awfully.
A few minutes later, I walked off with Thompson to his office where I had to listen to him for over an hour about how I couldn't do this and everything."
After I told this story he just laughed at me and told me how this action suited me.
"So they actually act like they aren't afraid of you now?", he requested and I nodded.
"They try at least."
*******
" Should I call him? We waited for so long...", I sighed annoyed and let me fall into my chair.
Nate raised one eyebrow at me and took a sip of his macchiato before saying, how impatient I am because we just waited for 15 minutes.
But 15 minutes are still 15 minutes!
" I'm bored!"
" You're always bored."
" I know, but because we don't have anything else to do, you can tell me about the last year, tell me more about London and your new life"
A smile spread across his face and he started speaking,
"It's completely different from our life here.
I do an education as an IT specialist and found some new friends, normal friends. They are going clubbing for fun, not just pretending as we did for arresting somebody.
I don't have to hide anymore, of course, I have a different name, but this was the last time I had to change my identity.
Also, I don't need a gun at home or cameras, nobody dangerous is interested in me anymore and almost every document of me is burned or deleted."
Actually, I had my doubts about that, rank high agents could always get what they want, and if they got kidnapped,... well, I'll let this open.
"I can see my parents whenever I want, they now also live in England. You know they were always protective about me, they knew that I did some shit whilst I was working here. They always thought that I was in a gang or something like that, but now they look so much happier,so much less worried.
Anyways the best thing is that I don't have to be in charge of peoples life. If I make a mistake while I am programming, it's just the computer which gets damaged, not a person who could die.
It's like a heavy burden lifted off of my shoulders, ... especially after Raven's Death."
His words were soft, almost a whisper. He tried to say it calmly for me, but I just couldn't look him in the eyes.
I was happy for him, really, but I just can't think about her without getting... quiet.
I couldn't let him see how broken I had to look right now.
The guilt was destroying me day after day, but I ignored it, I didn't cry, I didn't show emotion, no weakness was allowed. That is how I was educated and trained for. If I showed emotion I got punished, I still have scars because of it.
" Shay, it wasn't your fault, you couldn't do anything. I know what happe- "
" So you also know that it was, in fact, my fault, I'm the reason for her death, it was me who didn't do anything.
I saw the gun too late, I could have stopped him but_"
" You couldn't have saved her!
Nobody could have! You both would be dead right now if you did something. And you saved so many other peoples life-"
" But I didn't save everyone, that's the point.
***
Let's change the topic."
He looked about like he wanted to say something but he didn't and it was better like this.
" Well, then,
tell me, what did you do the past year, Shaya, I bet it was more dangerous than mine."
" You could say that.", I laughed, " it wasn't so different than what we did altogether in our team. I did almost everything alone. A few missions, a few more scars.
I also did more missions with Max together.
Thompson gave me a mission in France and I stayed there for three months."
" Hold up, you don't even speak French."
" No, I don't. But it was easy to stay there, most of the people there spoke English with me and I spent most of my time undercover with the Mafia and they just spoke English there. It wasn't a big deal. I arrested them and flew over to Germany and -"
" You also don't speak German, do you?"
" I actually do, German, Spanish and I can understand a bit Italian."
" Really?"
" Nein, ich verarsch' dich nur.
Puedo hablar las lenguas, idiota
Enough proof ?"
" Yes, go on"
" In Germany, I met Bryn again, do you remember her? The girl from our mission in Canada?", He nodded as an answer and I continued, " she let me stay there for two weeks,we trained together and had much fun. In the end, she tried to slit my throat while I was sleeping and she ended up in the hospital and prison afterwards. Now you know why I have trust issues."
" Are you serious, Shaya?", he said whilst laughing and I ended up joining him, " can you once, once, not end up in a fight?"
" You should know! I never start them, I just defend myself!"
" You do? Could you then explain to me why Max had to clean up the mess of these three girls of your school?"
I cleared my throat and looked away, trying to hold in my laughter, " Well,... I just defended my nerves which they were killing, seriously! They did mass murder!"
I know, I know, I am the only killer here, how funny...
" This would explain a lot of your fights then."
I sheepishly looked at him and we both laughed again.
" At least you had your fun in some way...
**************
Where's Director Thompson now? We waited for almost -"
And right at this moment, my door swung upon and the middle-aged agent finally showed up.
And ignored me straight away.
Nice.
" Nathan! It's so nice to see you again!", he said and they did a bro hug smiling, you could see how happy they were to see each other again after such a long time.
" I can say the same, how are you and your family?"
" We're fine, both of my kids moved out so now it's just Angelica and me. But I don't want to talk about me, how have you been? Do you like London?"
" Yeah, it's great, I found friends, a job and a new life. It's completely different but I like it, it's so normal again."
" It's nice seeing you happy again after such a long time, but believe me, it has gotten quite boring here without you. She over there isn't such a huge mood lifter as you know.", Thompson whispered the last part to Nate.
" Hey! At least I have a bit of humour left after this job, unlike you "grandpa" ", I said jokingly to defend myself but got a death glare back as an answer. What can I say? He just didn't like to get called old ( btw he was somewhere in his late 40 or mid 50 so not as old as we liked to tease him with ).
" Make the job as long as I do and you're going to be the same, Shaya.", he laughed and gave me a hug.
" I started getting trained here when I was three, started working here with ten, that makes thirteen years in the CIA, you are working here for fifteen years. Think again, Oldie."
" Old but gold, also I worked in the police before so you have to over-think your thoughts, not me.
" But you didn't -"
" That's enough you two! I can understand why so many are annoyed because of your arguing!", Nathan interrupted and sat at my chair.
" Annoyed?! Who?!", both of us snapped and we started to laugh.
" Your egos are so huge, guys.
Nobody said that but it was the easiest way to make you both shut up for a minute."
We grumbled at him, but sat down as well.
" Enough small talk! You two are here because of a new mission.", Thompson began, " first of all, it has something to do with your current mission Shaya, otherwise you wouldn't have to do this.
Nathan, you are here again because of your computer and especially hacking skills.
It's like this: We did some research and it's a gang, not the Mafia like we thought. Unfortunately, this gang has some debts for them and so they work for them. But hey, it makes your job easier.
Anyways, what you'll have to do now is easy.
There's a café where a few of them always eat and drink. Shaya you have to put cameras and some bugging devices there, and Nathan you have to keep them working and send us the information.
As I said before it's easy and no one will get hurt, the date has moved to next week so you have time to prepare.
Questions?"
Silence
" Good, that's it then.", he stood up and so we did too.
" That's all?", I requested when we reached the door.
" Yes, for the mission it is. But, Shaya, the laboratory has something new for you. If you can ,it would be nice to go now."
I looked at Nate and he nodded in assurance, " I wanted to go to the cafeteria so you can go. No problem with me."
" Are you sure?"
" Of course! I haven't seen you for a year, these 30 minutes are no problem."
We stood in a hallway now and our ways would split so I said my goodbye to Thompson walked away.
The way to the laboratory was awfully far away and I had to go to the complete opposite of the building.
People who passed me didn't look at me, they avoided me at all cost except for a few I briefly knew.
As I was walking down a staircase I heard a few mumbles a few feet away.
" Is this her?"
" She doesn't look like the second boss, she's too young."
" She doesn't even look dangerous like you said to us."
" Can she even fight, look how short she is." ( I am 1,60m / 5'2 so I don't take it personally anymore)
" She...."
I looked up for a second and saw a few visitors, maybe politicians? Yes, they were 99% politically involved.
Then a man spoke up and just his voice annoyed me like hell.
" She's a woman what do you expect, knock her opponents out or something like that? Please, stay serious. The only way how she could ever hurt somebody is by hurting their feelings. She's not even looking clever, what did she do for such a high ranking? Sleeping with the boss and everyone else here?"
What the hell was this you bastard?
Oh, you're so fucked.
" Excuse me?", I said and walked towards them with a bright smile.
One person of the group, who I assumed to be the guide and agent, looked ghostly pale. He was seriously scared.
" Agent-Agent Mo-Morin, nice day, isn't it?
So warm and hot, well, just a usual summer day.
I think we should get going, we're already late, you know?", he said in one breath and tried pushing his group backwards away from me.
" Well, I don't think it's time to leave so soon already.
Who's your friend over there?", I hissed coldly.
His eyes widen but his friend was faster.
" Marc Anson", the asshole introduced himself and held out his hand, dumb move.
I took it, spiteful at the inside, but chill at the outside.
" It looks like I don't have to introduce me, right bastard?"
" Wha-", he looked very angry and tried to pull his hand away but I held it in place and increased my force drastically.
Then I twisted his wrist in such an unnatural way that there was a slight cracking noise, but unfortunately ( well, I did it on purpose ) it didn't break already.
Mr. she can't hurt somebody
now kneeled in front of me and winced in pain.
" Don't even try to beg you out of this, dickhead.
You know now that a woman can fight better than you, right?
But I don't have to tell you that, every woman in your bed fights back.", I laughed shortly and turned his arm even more.
" The only one looking dumb now is you not me", I leaned down and whispered to him.
I stood up and was about to release him when he kicked his leg out and tried to sweep me to the ground.
I reflectively jumped over his leg and was now even more triggered. Did he really think he could just tear me down that easily?
" Okay, now again if you didn't understand me at the first time:
Do you think I can't actually look after myself?!
I am not the most feared person here for no fucking reason,
I trained my fucking ass off, bled every single day and I've been through more murder attempts than every fucking famous person together!
So don't think that I am a fucking incompetent bitch!"
When I finished my talk I saw true fear in his eyes, eventually, he realised that his actions were quite idiotic.
This scared look on his face didn't last long, it turned angry but before he could do anything, I broke his arm and shoulder.
His screams echoed through the empty hallways, and he snapped his arm to his chest where he held it close.
His head shot up and his expression wasn't as carefree as before, hopefully, he learned his lesson. He was shocked and looked to his gasping friends, just the other agent looked at him thinking about to help him,
but he didn't.
" Have a nice fucking day at the hospital!"
I knew that I wouldn't get an admonishment so I just left them there and continued my walk to the laboratory.
***
The sign with the word laboratory was so big that I could see it just as I entered the corridor.
I inhaled the familiar scent of chemicals and vanilla scented spray when I took my first steps into the lab.
The plain white walls remembered me of the many nights I've been spending there and in the infirmary over the years. You shouldn't be wondering about the infirmary, but the lab has a different explanation.
As you know I am the youngest agent ever trained, so I was fit and healthy at a very young age. I was and am the perfect test object. Many serums and potions were tested on me for the U.S agencies. Why I did it? Well, let's just say that it wasn't always me who decided.
As an example: I'm immune of any kind of poison or drug including alcohol and cigarettes. The way till there was so painful that the research and implementation were forbidden, just me and 11 others of the CIA, NSA and the FBI had this special "treatment".
I reached the busy part down there when I saw a familiar person in a white medical smock.
A grin formed on my face as I remembered her jumpiness and I sneaked up behind her.
" Hey, Rodgers, what's up?", I asked over her shoulder, she was holding a cup of coffee and reading some medical files about what seemed to be the irregularity of the main effects of a new thing?
Her eyes widen and her grip loosened at her mug, the shock in her face was huge.
" Ms Morin! You scared me so much! You know that I don't like these scares!"
" I do, and that's what made it hilarious.
Anyways, you wanted to speak to me?"
Her features softened and she sat down again, turning to face me.
" Yes, Ms Morin. there's this new... project we wanted to test."
" Project? Like the one with the immunity? I don't know if I want to test such things after this procedure anymore..."
A grin spread across her face and her voice turned strangely up.
" Good this won't cause any pain, and the effect is definitely in your liking. Come, follow me. I'll show it to you"
She rushed through the hallways of the laboratory, passing doctors greeting her and passing me with fear, it's really kind of annoying. After a while of walking, we reached an empty, white computer room.
Dr Jo Rodgers sat down in front of one and pointed at the monitor. It showed a DNA strand with a white shell/surface around it.
" Isn't it amazing?", she asked with sparkling eyes, " we worked on it for years and finally it paid off! We reached a new era of medical treatment! Ms Morin, do you know what this means?"
" Yeah, of course. It's unbelievable.", I had absolutely no damn clue what the hell she was talking about. The only thing that made sense to me was that it had to be very important.
" We developed immortality! The endless life!"
" WHAT?!" I nearly blacked out for a second, so I searched for a chair. Was she actually serious or was she pranking me? I know when someone's lying, and she wasn't, unfortunately.
" I know, it's amazing. We already perfected it, no ageing, no wounds, no starving. We -"
I just stared at her in shock, it is ok to operate people, to help them, but is it also ok to intervene so massively into nature? Into peoples life? Though it would come on handy for me.
" And you want me to test it out as the first person?"
" Absolutely, we have only one serum which is completely developed just for you, nobody else can use it, otherwise they'd die. We tested it already on mice and monkeys and it's perfectly working, no consequences. We can give it to you now if you like."
" No, I don't! Not now! Excuse me, but that'd take away my only kind of freedom I could ever find. You actually want me to give up the option to die and find peace. I must think about this first."
" Ms Morin, calm down please, I know you've lost many of your colleagues-"
" Of my colleagues?! I've lost my whole damn team, over 30 agents, my whole fucking family and almost each of my left friends I still have! The only question is who's next.
Who do I have left? Nathan, Max, , Thompson, nobody else.
And you want me to watch them die too?
I. Won't. Do. It. Now."
" Don't judge too fast, we are still working on more, you'd just be the first one, Mr Perez and Mr Archer will follow.
Your injuries would heal within seconds and you'll get unstoppable."
" You didn't quite understand it, I won't do it under any circumstances."
Her face fell, she looked very sad but even more guilty.
" Well, I'm sorry Ms Morin, but we'll have to force you then.
The command came from very high up there. Higher than your and the Director's position."
" You're kidding me right now, aren't you?"
" I'll have to disappoint you, but I am not kidding.
We have the demand to test it on a person before we have the allowance to duplicate it.
But if it helps you, we don't have to do it now, we have time for three more months before it turns bad.
So the ultimate date is today in three months, we have the 16th July ,so it'll be on the 16th of October.
So you have time to accustom yourself with the thought of infinite life."
" Hell no. Why is it always me? Thanks for this, Dr. Rodgers, at least you informed me about it. Have a nice day.", I hissed through gritted teeth and left.
This couldn't be real, could it?
Once I actually really liked the thought of immortality, I still do, but not with everything I've been through.
Death brings peace, I hope. A place where I'll forget about the cruelty of life and so many of the sacrifices my friends made.
The thought of freedom was stronger at this moment than logic and the better choice.
Should I really give my choice up to just become the perfect soldier ?
The perfect monster.