Hi again everybody!
Here my second prompt of the day!
Once again, it's part of a project with :
I'm afraid there might be a lot of mistakes in that chapter - it was difficult for me to express such feelings in another language than mine. Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy it at last.
Linda, I promise, it's a part 1 of a 3 parts story and there is definitively a happy ending!
A fiancé for Shancai – Part 1: my life is angst
She was slowly walking away alongside the perfectly maintained alley, turning her back to this damned mansion. She didn't dare to look back, afraid to collapse on the ground. Her legs seemed to be so heavy, feeling she was filled with lead and she struggled for moving, for positioning her legs one in front of the other, then alternating the act in order to lead her as far away as possible from here. It seemed that her body wanted to stay here.
A part of her didn't manage to understand, thinking it was probably a nightmare or a bad joke! It was impossible, Daoming Si wasn't such a guy, was he? He would never treat her like this nor even let her go away. He would have resisted to his mother and would have found a solution against all odds.
Moreover, he would surely come, catching her up, hugging her tightly against him until she became breathless. Soon, she would hear his footsteps coming hastily behind her, she would feel his arm on hers then she could bury her face against his warm and comforting torso, sniffing his scent, intoxicating her senses until she forgot what he just had done to her.
But he was late.
Daoming Si, what are you doing?
He would whisper in her ear, telling her she was just a fool, asking her how she could think even for a minute he would be able to forget her. He wouldn't stop to tell her how much he loved her, how much she was his life. And she wouldn't stop to believe him because nobody was as frank, genuine and honest as Daoming Si.
But her ears met only silence.
Daoming Si, what game are you playing?
Then she would feel his lips brushing hers, his arms wrapping her waist pushing her a little more against his body. She would let herself go against him, enjoying his warmth, the sweetness of his gesture and the love he would put in his kiss. Once again, she would wonder if it wasn't time to cede him, to give him this little 'more' he was waiting for so long, she would become his – because her heart was already his.
But her mouth met only air and her body was progressively becoming frozen.
Daoming Si, how is it possible I'm already missing you so much?
She was unaware that some tears were freely flowing alongside her cheeks when she dragged herself toward the gates which progressively appeared, becoming clearer, Thomas' figure she spotted far away at first became more and more present.
She tried to slow down the pace, closing her eyes, praying, but Daoming Si didn't seem ready to run after her as usual. He wouldn't ask her to go down from the bus nor he would go after her up to Mars planet.
Truth to be told, she surely would never see him again.
She had this feeling that someone was abruptly compressing her chest and she panted, breathless. She had this abrupt and fierce impulse to scream but she prevented herself to do it.
She had reached the gates and she saw Thomas staring at her with some concern.
She had to accept this fact: Daoming Si truly just kicked her out when she went purposely from Shanghai to London to see him.
Surely, he didn't love her anymore.
He didn't want her anymore.
Did he love her at least?
She ignored that, standing on his luxurious London mansion balcony, Daoming Si watched her leaving, crying hard, dreaming to run after her, to take her in his arms and to take back these terrific words he could have told her then to kiss her, to kiss her like there was no tomorrow.
But she would never know it, wouldn't she?
Like it was coming from far away, Shancai heard Thomas' voice asking her if everything went well, if she saw Daoming Si and she had to choose some words to describe what just happened to her, she had to force out these words from her throat while tears were freely flowing on her cheeks.
Daoming Si kicked her out.
Daoming Si didn't want to see her anymore.
"He asks me to never go and see him again."
It seems utterly unreal.
Standing in front of her, Thomas seemed sincerely sorry for her. With this natural behavior that characterized French people, he put his hand on her back and tried to comfort her, gently massaging her shoulder, telling her she would meet a better man.
She felt sick, her ears were ringing and she had this feeling to be elsewhere, in a bubble, her body, and mind deserted by all sort of feelings, thoughts, when Thomas gently dragged her away, a hand still put on her back, his arm wrapping her shoulders.
***
In theaters district, when Thomas and his two English friends played music on a square, Shancai deeply thought, absent-mindedly crumbling her sandwich she threw to hungry pigeons.
She nodded distractedly when the young French man told her again that everything would be fine, wrapping her shoulders again. During a split second, she wondered if he wasn't taking advantage of the situation. He once admitted to her he liked her, it was centuries ago – but Daoming Si intervened, telling him in French she was his girlfriend and that nobody was allowed to touch her.
Shancai closed her eyes, pain coming again.
What was she going to do now?
Could her life be only angst with Daoming Si?
Did she have to give up with him, to meet someone else?
That simple idea made her guts hurt. She had to bite her lips to prevent herself to scream her pain. Sitting next to her, Thomas sighed with a sad look on his face and, promising her to come back as soon as possible, he joined his English buddies to help them to collect money.
But what else she could do?
A life without Daoming Si seemed to be desperately empty.
She wanted to take her smartphone to call her parents but she remembered it had been stolen – by Thomas' friends and sold – by Thomas' friends. She prevented herself from letting out a frustrated yell.
Rejected by Daoming Si, she had to come back to Shanghai and to explain what happened to everyone. How her close relatives would react? Her friends? She was already imagining her parents angrily fuming, Xiaoyou rising an angry fist for her, Ximen and Meizuo promising to talk to that moron, Lei staring at her with his illegible stare then comfort her, Lizhen pitying her, Qinghe pouring insults on Daoming Si then trying to take his luck again with her then Xiaozi –
Xiaozi? How would she react? Would she be sorry? Or happy? Because, after all, Daoming Feng should betroth her again with Daoming Si, shouldn't she? And she still loved him unlike what she would always say, wouldn't she?
That only thought, thinking about all of them, made her feel sick. The simple fact of thinking she would have to tell them, thinking about their reactions, made things becoming real – and she wasn't ready to accept that, a part of herself still waiting to see Daoming Si appearing on the corner of a street and run toward her to carry her away, far away –
Shancai definitively wasn't ready to come back to Shanghai.
But staying her was making her gone crazy.
Only one thought was running in her mind; she wanted to leave, to leave as far away as possible and not see anything which could remind her Daoming Si anymore.
***
With her only mind, Shancai remembered her AirBnB address and she gave it to Thomas. Fortunately, he knew exactly in which area she could find the accommodation she had booked and he hastily suggested her to show her the way. Silently happy to leave his squat, Shancai immediately accepted.
Thomas carried her suitcase while she walked absent-mindedly next to him. She didn't even notice she was in a bourgeois district, didn't admire rich homes façades that were around her. She only saw Daoming Si's face. In her mind, she was living again the last moments she had with him, wondering what she could have said or done to change the events.
A part of herself thought she should have tried to convince him to change his mind. Another part was telling her she was Shancai, the weed, and that she should have kicked his face with her foot to teach him how to behave with her.
But she was feeling so weak, so vulnerable.
And she hated that.
She hated herself.
But she couldn't hate him.
What was the problem with herself?
She was distracted in her thoughts by Thomas asking her what she wanted to do; would she stay in London? Would she go back to Shanghai? It was exactly the questions she had in her mind a few minutes ago – and she answered the only thing she could say for the moment. "I don't know."
She felt Thomas staring at her, surely ready to tell her something. She looked up and stiffened. She had reached her address and was in front of the building where was her accommodation. On the steps, with still an illegible look on his face, Huaze Lei was waiting for her.
She wasn't sure about her actual feelings. She felt a sweet warmth invading her chest, this comforting feeling she had when he was nearby, this safety feeling like someone was watching her over. But, at the same time, the pain became harder.
He was his friend, one of his best friends. Everything in him reminded her Daoming Si; the way he was jealous of him, their bridge game but their connivance as well and the help and support Huaze Lei permanently gave them – and she had to tell him. She had to make these f*ck***s things became real!
Would her life be only angst with them?
But when she saw Lei, she felt another thing, something she didn't think possible after what happened to her. Hope.
Maybe Lei could help her? Talk to him? Do something?
Thomas asked her if she knew him if he was a friend and she nodded, still so surprised to see Lei here, still so lost in that flow of contradictory feelings. The French guy, seeing she was in safe hands, let her here, making her promise she would call him. She nodded again, without looking away from Lei who was coming closer.
"You didn't answer your phone, the landlady said you never came, I was worried."
Shancai looked down, like a child being scolded by his mother. She felt the flow of feelings coming up to the surface, submerging her. Then he asked the fateful question.
"Did you see Si? »
She felt unable to talk, tears at the edge of her eyelashes threatening to fall, a lump in her throat, her entire body screaming with pain, anger, and sorrow. So, she just silently nodded. A slight twitch on Lei's face showed his concern.
"Are you alright?" He asked. "What happened?"
She shook her head, feeling worse as minutes passed by. She had to tell him, she knew it, she couldn't avoid Lei's relentless stare.
"I went to see him and he told me –" Her throat tightened and tears flowed without her allowance, without she could control it. "– he didn't want to see me again."
She closed her eyes and sighed. Here she was, it was done. And things became even more real. The hope she had a few seconds before had vanished. Seeing again in her mind Daoming Si's closed face, reminding his harsh words, how could she have some hope? He didn't even catch her up, he didn't even –
How could he do that to her?
How could she be so wrong?
"I know he has some reasons but –" She added, feeling an urge to confide herself, wiping proudly her tears. "I made all this way to see him but he didn't – he didn't even come out. He didn't want to see me."
Tears flowed again while her sobs began to shake her body. She desperately tried to suppress it while Lei powerlessly remained in a respectful distance. She began to regret the natural and comforting way Thomas had to hug her when she was feeling bad.
And Daoming Si – Daoming Si would surely hug her with all his strength if-if things hadn't changed.
But she wouldn't be so hurt, would she?
***
She was sitting in a daffodils field; the pond below was shining under a radiant sun. She was listening to peaceful birds' song, enjoying the fresh breeze which brushed her face. This calmness appeased her heart, healed her wounds and calmed her pain.
Then he appeared, still so handsome, a long coat carelessly put on his shoulders and he came toward her. Her heart tightened and she felt on the verge of tears. She felt breathless when he stopped a little further from her. Then he smiled at her, that smile which made her melting each time, this one which made his face shining, which was full of love and tenderness.
"Stupid girl." He gently said. "Why I would leave you? I was joking. Let's go back to Shanghai together."
She remained amazed when she heard him saying exactly these words she wanted to hear so much. He gave his hand to her, giving her a comforting look while she tried to breathe again, hesitating, then she accepted it. He helped her to stand up and hugged her tightly when she buried her face against his chest, smelling his fragrance, enjoying his body warmth –
And she woke up. He took her a few seconds to realize that was just a dream and tears flowed again. She had the same dream for several nights and, in the morning, she still had this feeling to have his smell in her nostrils and to feel his body against hers.
Her chest compressed and she had this urge to scream but she prevented herself to do it, biting her lips, almost making it bleed. She took the smartphone Lei bought for her, checking messages people sent to her. There was a lot from all her friends, especially from Qinghe and Xiaoyou then from her parents.
She closed her eyes and sighed.
There was none from him, of course.
What did she expect?
She began to listen and read all the messages they sent to her and, suddenly, she stiffened when she heard one of them.
"Your grandparents asked me again to let you go and see them. I told them you were busy, as usual. We agree, aren't we?" Said her mother's voice.
Shancai bit her lips, a crazy idea crossing her mind.
Her maternal grandparents.
The ones who lived in the United States.
The ones who work in a resort.
It may have been fourteen years, maybe less, she hadn't visited them and she remembered very little this stay over there. She only reminded it was very hot and she had seen some dinosaurs in an Amusement Park. They came from time to time to see them at Shanghai but Dong Lizi always refused to let her go at her grandparents' house, and she ignored why.
She called her mother.
"Mum? Can I have Grandma's and Grandpa's phone number, please? It's time I visit them."
At the other end of the phone, Dong Lizi hesitated but Shancai insisted.
***
Daoming Si arrived, panting, in front of the address that Lei gave him by SMS. He didn't want to resist anymore. He wanted to see her one last time, to correctly say goodbye to her. Xiaozi was right. He couldn't end their relationship with that awful words he told her.
He had to apologize.
He had to make her understand she was all his life.
But he had to say adieu to her and it was killing him.
Lei, surprised, stared at him, dropping his suitcase.
"What are you doing here, AhSi?"
Panting, he answered.
"I have to see her; I have to talk to her! Let me go!"
Lei didn't move and AhSi prepared himself to use his strength. Nothing would forbid him to see her one last time, to talk to her, to touch her.
One last time – only a f*ck*** last time!
But Lei shook his head, his eternal mask slightly cracking, letting appear a glint of despair in his eyes.
"Shancai isn't here."
Daoming Si stared at him with his mouth ajar.
"What are you saying?"
Lei closed his eyes and took his head in his hands.
"She had disappeared for two days and obviously, she is not even in Shanghai."
Daoming Si collapsed on the ground, his lips shaped in a scream of pain he was unable to let out.