L E O N I E
I can't control everything. I can't control everything. I can't control everything.
I couldn't control the fact that it took the clinic like twenty long minutes to grant me the right to leave early based on an unforeseen emergency. Funny that it was unforeseen. Like people go around planning emergencies all the time. Insert eyes rolling into the back of my brain.
I couldn't control the fact that it then took a cab another fifteen to come and get me. I couldn't control the traffic or the fact that there were no spaces in the drop off zone so the cab left me half way across the parking lot. But screw it. I'd done a hell of a run to make it in time to say goodbye to Sarah.
It was a good thing that there wasn't a lot else to do at rehab apart from read, do correspondence school work, eat and exercise. But in the end, no matter how much running I'd done on the treadmill over the last two months, I didn't get there in time. Sarah died and I didn't get to tell her that I'm sorry I was so selfish and ended up in rehab for the last two and a half months instead of being with her.
So if I wasn't careful, I was going to lose a lot of the progress that I'd made. Because I seriously wanted to hate myself for missing that time with her. I wanted to be mad at Heath for not telling me how sick she was sooner. But it wasn't his fault. He wanted me to heal. I needed to heal. It was just the way that things panned out and I couldn't control that. Or fix it. Or do it over. So I had to accept it and not let it fester.
I felt a hand on my shoulder. It snapped me out of a haze and I looked up from my black velvet platforms to find Jess giving me a cautious smile. "You alright?"
I nodded and looked back at the room full of people wearing dark colors and even darker expressions. I mean, there were smiles. Chatter. Celebration of a beautiful life. But underneath those smiles, there was a definite sorrow. And why wouldn't there be. Sarah was gone and she wasn't coming back. The world had lost a bright light.
We were at the funeral reception. It was being held at the Gilmore home where the pain was made even more raw. The photos on the walls. The signs of her living because of a hoodie draped over a chair or her shoes at the front door.
Jazz hadn't moved much it would seem. I wondered if it was because she couldn't bare to face the fact that her daughter wouldn't be coming back for those items. Or if it was just nice to remember her in the smaller details. Jess sighed and picked up a club sandwich from the table, gesturing at Bray and Alex before she put it in her mouth.
"Alex seems to be holding up well," she mumbled with a full mouth. "Bray still won't leave him alone though."
"Alex needs him right now," I mumbled and ran a hand through my hair.
"Oh I know," she nodded. "It's nice to see him being a good support. He's actually been great this past week. He hasn't left Alex much at all. It makes me proud."
I watched Bray listening to Alex talk. We couldn't hear what was being said but it was clear that Bray was being attentive and respectful. That didn't surprise me though. He was always a good friend when he was needed. No matter how much of a clown he could be, he came through when it was important.
"Where's Jazz?" Jess questioned.
I scanned the room but couldn't find her among the few friends and family members that sat on the sofa or stood in the kitchen or flipped through photo albums. She'd be around. She wasn't coping all that well. I'd seen her age over the last week while I'd been about, helping with funeral arrangements or ordering food or cleaning dishes. Mom had been here too. She hauled up with Jazz in her room for the most part but that seemed to be enough to help. She couldn't stay for the funeral, as much as she wanted to.
Heath was missing too but I knew he was probably in his room. I'd seen him slip away half n hour ago and he hadn't come back again. "I'll be back in a minute," I told Jess, smiling with assurance when she looked at me with concern.
I could tell that the entire group were remaining cautious over me. Hanging around. Excessive questioning over my mental health. Jess had taken the fact that I was being more open about my medication as a sign to go ahead and ask if I'd popped my pills every single morning. We'd have to have a chat later about the fact that I love and appreciate her but a little bit of space might help.
When I pushed open Heath's door and found Ethan and Jade sitting on his bed instead, I had to turn around and confirm that we were at a funeral reception and not a frat party. "What are you two doing in here?"
Jade looked upset. But so did the rest of the guests. "We're just. . . talking."
There was a lot that would have gone on on since I'd been in rehab. So much could change in two and a half months but getting the latest goss from my friends hadn't been a priority. So I had no idea where most people were at apart from the fact that I knew Jess and Bray were in love and he was going to college in Miami.
As far as anyone else was concerned, Jess didn't feel the need to fill me in with her letters that came in rehab. I did deduct that Amy must have moved on though since she came to the service with some tall man that could have passed for a handsome uncle rather than a partner. But again, that was not important right now.
"How are you?" Ethan twisted to face me and tucked his leg under his bum. "You alright?"
"I'm fine," I nodded and rested a hand on the door handle. "I was just looking for Heath. And um, don't smash on that bed. One, because I've been sleeping in it. Two, uh this is funeral."
Jade looked at me with a bored flat stare and Ethan sighed. "That's— we're not doing that. We're talking. I think Heath is in Sarah's bedroom."
I closed the door behind me and knew that if I wasn't so preoccupied with other things, I'd be investigating whatever the hell was going on with those two. Because it was something. But right now, my mind belonged to Heath. And the way that he sat on the edge of Sarah's bed with a photo frame in his hands and a slouch in his firm shoulders.
He looked broken.
"Hey," I tapped on the wall as I leaned on the door frame. His head shot up and I got a look at those deep brown, exhausted eyes. It amazed me how much emotion could be told through a simple look. They really were the windows to the soul. "It was a beautiful service. Lots of humour. She would have loved that."
He smiled. "She would have." Placing the frame back on the bedside table, he sighed and swallowed, looking around. "I'm not really looking forward to having to clear this place out. I don't think mom will cope. So I guess I'll have to."
"You don't have to think about it right now," I wandered over to the bed and sat down beside him. It made my whole chest ache to be in her space.
To remember the nervous smile that she'd worn before her first date. The cute little jitters and shuffling while she'd tried on clothes and shoes. The enormous laughs when I'd ditched Heath at random hours of the night and sat in here, on her bed, talking a lot of shit about this, that and the next thing.
Heath lazily pointed at the corner of the room where the boxes were stacked. The ones that she'd labelled. There was now one sitting there with my name on it. All of the clothes that I'd given her I assumed.
"I hated the fact that she did that," he said. "Guess it was sort of convenient in the end."
It hurt. Damn did it hurt. I just couldn't believe that she wasn't coming back.
"Ya know I'd half expected her to make a total mess of this room as one last 'ha'," I put my balled up fists under my thighs. "Make you clean up after her and all. That would be such a Sarah thing to do."
He leaned in and gave me a playful nudge. "That'd be a you thing to do."
"Why do you think my room's always a mess," I scoffed. "The grim reaper can come at any time, Gilmore. I'm prepared."
His chuckle wore off and he looked down at me with his brows pulled. "I can't lose you too," his stare moved across my face, harsh and intense. "I can't."
"You won't," I placed a hand over his. I'd always loved how small my hand looked in comparison to his. I gave him a reassuring smile. "I'm not going anywhere. As long as you want me, I'm here. But don't forget what it means to have me."
He chuckled. "Do you mean midnight trips to get fries? Loud and inappropriate conversation in public places? The significant lack of studying that I get done when I'm with you? The way you monkey hold on to me in bed at night? The way that you send seven different text messages instead of just combining the sentences into one text message? Or how you're constantly taking photos of anything and everything?"
I stared at him. "I more meant the fact that I'm prone to depressive episodes and irrational break downs."
"I know," he tucked a piece of hair behind my ear and his hand dropped to cup my face. "And I was just reminding you what I love about you. All of those things. All of who you are, Leonie. And no less. I promise."
His lips were on mine faster than I was prepared for. Even if I had been the one to lean in. His kiss was like coming home. It made me feel grounded and safe. Loved. Secure. I knew that I could be my whole self with him and he'd still be there. Even the ugliest parts were safe and for the first time in a long time, I didn't feel ashamed for someone knowing me that well. I felt proud.
He gave me a few light pecks and leaned back with a subtle glisten in his gaze. His thumb stroked my cheek and he smiled. I could never lose this man again. He deserved the best from me and I knew that even on those days where I wasn't the best version of myself, he'd still love me.
"So I found these," Heath reached behind him and slid Sarah's side table drawer open. He pulled out a small pile of envelopes and handed me one after dropping the rest into his lap. My name was scrawled across the front of it. "They're from Sarah. Mom and I got one. Alex got one."
That was her handwriting. The same handwriting on the boxes in the corner. The same handwriting that I'd seen on little notes around this house when she'd gone out with Alex and needed to let Heath and I know. The envelope felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. My throat began to close over.
"You don't have to read that right now."
"I want to," I quickly said. I didn't want to. But I did. I knew that reading it here, where there were people gathered, was probably not the best move. I should have waited until I was at home, alone. But I felt this sense of urgency. I wanted to read it now.
"Alrigh—"
"But I won't," I changed my mind again and tucked the envelope under my arm. "I'll read it later."
"Okay," Heath said, slow. As if he was waiting for me to change my mind again. But I stood up and started out of the room where I bumped into Jazz coming from her bedroom. She looked exhausted.
"Oh Leonie," she immediately pulled me into a tight hug and despite her taller height, she felt so small and fragile. It reminded me of what it was like to hug Sarah. I could have pretended that it was her for a moment. "Thank you for all of your help this last week. I don't know what we would have done without you."
I squeezed her back. "I haven't done much."
"You've done a lot, Leonie," she mumbled into my hair, her voice quiet and broken. "More than I could ever repay you for. It just— it means so much to me. I wish I could tell you—"
"I understand," I stepped back and smiled, letting her know that she didn't have to explain further. Sometimes a person's actions left you unable to properly express gratitude. You felt more than could possibly be said. I was glad to have been that helpful. I think it might have meant more to me to be able to do that, than it meant to them.
Jazz looked upward at Heath and caressed his cheek before she slipped past us and dispersed into the gathering. Before I could follow along and thank Charlie for catering— the poor old man was limping about but he served the best food— Heath gripped my arm and turned me to face him.
"Do you think you could stay again tonight?"
"Yeah," I nodded without hesitation.
Later that evening, after the guests had left and we'd cleaned up, I sat in Heath's bed and turned the envelope over in my hands. He'd gone to shower and it seemed as good as any time to read it. Fear gnawed at my chest. Nerves. Anticipation. I knew that this was the last piece of her mind that we had. A piece of her thoughts. Our last chance to hear her. It'd be over so fast and then what? And then there was nothing left to look forward to.
I almost wasn't sure if I wanted to open it.
But I needed to know what it said. That was what I was like. Too curious. Too impatient. I might have been grieving, scared, trembling as my fingers fumbled with the paper. But I was still me. As soon as I saw my name on the top line, my vision began to blur.
Leonie.
I wasn't sure how to start the letter. As in 'dear Leonie.' Or 'to Leonie.' Neither felt quite right. It's weird, I always feel like I have to be formal when I'm doing a hand written letter. Like it's just a standard reaction. But when I'm sending a snap or text I'm like 'what's going on tiny? Wanna grab a burger, fries combo to share even though it'll go straight to your ass?' Haha. I'm going to miss our impromptu food dates. Ya know, on the rare occasion you couldn't drag Heath out of the house in the middle of the night. I know, I'm always awake.
Or was always awake. As you'll be reading this when I'm gone. It's weird to imagine being gone. I mean, no matter what anyone believes in, you still don't know exactly what it'll be like. I'm almost certain that I made the cut for heaven though. I spent a lot of time with Lilian and learned so much about God. You can rest easy knowing that I'm not in pain anymore. I'm not suffering. I don't have to watch the world become over run with plastic.
Seriously. Someone needs to sort that out. But enough of that. I wrote to say thank you. I'm sure I'd have told you as you all stood around my dying body in those last moments. Maybe? I mean, you're in rehab at the moment, so if you don't make it back in time, don't stress, I know that you loved me. So much. You might choke on the words whenever you try and say them, but your actions told me all that I needed to know.
You made a huge difference to our lives ya know. The kindness and the generosity and the way that you made Heath smile. That might have been my favourite part. Don't get me wrong, London was so great. But Heath's happiness, well, I needed that as much as he did. You really came in and loved him enough to remind him that the world had potential. And that it wasn't all sorrowful. I think he unintentionally made me the sole focus of his universe. Or I was all that he could see and it darkened his whole perspective.
But then ta da. You came along with colour and you didn't just show him the canvas, you gave him the paintbrush. You allowed him to paint your world too, Leonie. You helped each other. And as a third person, watching from the outside, I've never seen anything more vibrant.
You two belong together. It just makes sense. No pressure though. Just a dead girl shipping you guys. But ya know, no biggie. Hahaha. I'm kidding. You might be stubborn, but you know what's best for you. So I know that wherever life takes you and whatever you end up doing, it's going to be great. Because you'd have made it great. Just know that I love you and I appreciate you and you changed everything for the better.
Three words, eight letters,
Sarah.
My head was throbbing, my nose stung, I could barely see. I was worried about the paper getting wet so I quickly pushed it out of my lap and covered my face. I knew it would hurt. But that was unimaginable.
A pair of arms wrapped around me and without effort, Heath lifted me up enough that he could slip underneath me and settle into the mattress. He held me tight while I cried. And I let it out. I let him see. I didn't hide that I was hurting and all he wanted was to comfort me through it.
The next morning was hot. We were approaching summer. Graduation was just around the corner and thanks to correspondence that I was able to do in rehab, I'd be graduating with the rest of the crew. My eyes felt a bit raw and swollen as I opened the apartment door and walked inside.
"Hey!" Jess smiled when I wandered into the kitchen and set my bag down. She was still in her PJs and there was a pan full of breakfast food sizzling. Too much for herself. Bray must have been here somewhere.
"Morning."
"How are you?"
I nodded. "I'm alright."
"How's Heath."
"He's moving along. He went to class this morning so, that's good. Who else is here?"
"Oh just Bray," she waved her arm in the direction of the hall. "He's showering. Want some breakfast?"
"No I had fries on the way home."
She knowingly grinned and turned back to the food. Bacon. Eggs. But not just regular bacon and eggs. There was all sorts of fancy herbs and shit. Her bread wasn't even just regular bread. It was that expensive stuff that mom used to buy but I dunno. I preferred the plain old sliced stuff in the bag. Jess' cooking was one of the upside's to her living here. Not that there were any downsides. It was just nice to have a decent and delicious meal every night. When I was here at least.
I sat down with a glass of juice and watched Jess peep over her shoulder every few seconds. She worried on her lip and I frowned.
"What?" I said.
"Huh?"
"You look like something's bothering you. Do you have something to say?"
She sat down opposite me and tapped her finger tips on the table top. "Sort of."
"You're moving out?" I guessed. "To live with Bray."
Her brows pinched. "Uh no. I think it's a bit soon for that."
"Oh."
"I was actually going to ask if I could stay here— like long term. While we're in college. I mean, we'll both be at the same place and I can afford to live here and—"
"Why are you trying to sell this?" I blanked. "You have to live here while we're in college. First of all, it's going to be amazing. Second, it'll be practice for when we end up divorced and alone and we decide to marry each other."
She laughed. "I just thought you and Heath would be thinking about living together soon."
"Not right now," I shrugged. "I'm sure we will eventually but that doesn't mean that you'd have to leave. There's tons of room here. Bray can move in too. When you're both ready. The more the merrier."
She broke into a wide grin and clapped her hands together. A squeal passed her clenched jaw and I had to admit that I shared her excitement. Yes the thought of living with Bray did make me slightly nauseous. I'd been in his room. More than once. There were more naked girls on the wall than the PornHub homepage and he had a habit of leaving his gross football gear all over the floor. But whatever. He could be a laugh.
Speak of the devil. He walked in. No shirt. Just his shorts and a towel draped behind his neck and over his shoulders. He sauntered right over to the hot food that was waiting for him on a low heat and made a noise of appreciation. "This smells dope as fuck babe."
"Bold of you to assume that she cooked it and not me," I scoffed. He turned around and gave me a sarcastic snort.
"As if you'd ever cook something that couldn't be squeezed straight out of a packet."
I flipped him off as he bit into a piece of bacon and gave me a shit eating grin. I looked at Jess.
"I take back what I said. He can't live here."
Bray straightened up. "What's this?"
Before I could answer, the door opened and closed. Alex and Ethan appeared a moment later. Poor Alex looked worse for wear. Even Ethan seemed a bit solemn. He did brighten up when he saw the food that Bray was practically inhaling.
"Come on in guys," I gestured around the room. "What's mine is yours apparently."
No reaction. Not that I expected one. I loved that all of my friends felt so close to me that they could let themselves in and make themselves at home.
"How you holding up, Alex?" I asked as he sat down beside me at the table. Jess was up now, serving her breakfast food on plates while Bray and Ethan hovered around her like a pair of starving children.
"I um— I'd just like to hang out today. If that's alright? With all of you."
The room fell a beat quieter. It broke my heart that he felt he even had to ask. "I think we should go and play laser tag?" I suggested. "Or we can hire a Sing Star, get drunk and have our own version of karaoke in the living room."
"I like that idea," Alex managed a small smile.
I wouldn't be drinking much, if at all. I had to take this meds thing seriously. But it wasn't like I needed alcohol in the first place. Plus if I was sober, I'd have the advantage of keeping my tone in control. Win. The room went back to chattering and I looked at everyone with gratitude. This group of friends was one in a million. Better than I could have ever hoped for.
We had an athlete who would no doubt go pro and we could all put his connections to good use. A genius. Alex was sure to win a Nobel prize or something nerdy like that. A musician who would get all of the boy band friends and take us on his world tours. A chef to cook for us and keep us fed no matter what. And me. I wasn't sure what I contributed. The laughs? Yeah. Everyone needed a friend in the group who said inappropriate things and told too many sexual jokes. I didn't mind being the entertainment. I knew what it was like to feel nothing but emptiness even on the most exquisite days. If I could bring a smile to the faces of those who I loved, I'd be whole.
_____
Sorry for the slow updates. I've had kids off school because it's winter and everyone's getting sick !
The epilogue will be out as soon as possible. x