I realize when we're all sitting and watching McFail while eating pizza, even though I'm not a fan of it, how much I'd miss the boys if I'd move out. I know I should be terrified after finding out Noah's here, but I feel safe, for some reason, and I'm pretty sure that safety would disappear if I'd move in with Emma.
They will never find out, but they're my safety right now. As long as I've got them around me, Noah won't do anything. I know it sounds like I'm gonna hide behind them until I finish high school, and that's because I am.
I can't move once more, and I can't escape him. I can't afford moving out of here once more, and he's always finding me. He won't leave me alone. The best thing to do is wait until I'm eighteen, and then I'm out of here. I'll ask for a work visa somewhere on the other side of the world and I'll finally escape him.
It feels terrible to use the boys like this, but I don't know what else to do. Everything I do ends up backfiring at me and everything just keeps on ruining. I really have no strings left to pull at. I'm hanging on on the last one.
Even though I don't like McFail, I like to watch it with them. I like hearing them comment and laugh. I like being around them, all of them, even Landon.
My relationship with Isaac is pretty good now, we talk a lot more, and for us, two unsocial people, it's pretty good. Landon on the other hand, has no interest in talking to me if it isn't for fixing his face. Maybe I'm exaggerating now, because he does talk to me a little, even if it's been in an conversation where the other boys have been participating as well. Let's just say I haven't had any private conversation with him like I've had with the other boys.
I'm still worried about what they're doing those nights when they come home with that appearance so late, and even the few nights they don't come home, but I've stayed out of it. The only time I've interfered is to fix their faces. Isaac, Dylan and Landon have been out the most. Parker has been too, not as much but yet a few times, but what surprises me is that Thomas hasn't been out ever. He's never asked me to fix his face, he's never come home bloody, and the nights he's late or doesn't come is because he's spent them with his girlfriend, not doing what the others are doing. He's the one yelling at them when there's something like that going on, which shocks me, because I thought Parker was gonna be the one keeping them outside of trouble, but I guess there's a lot I don't know and that I can't insist to know either.
"Hi," I answer Landon's call at two am when my phone starts vibrating on the night stand. I always mute it at nights since the boys call during that time, and none of them want the others to know when they come home. Even though I've got school the other day, I still keep answering their calls and they still keep calling and we always keep having this scenario, and call me selfish, but I like helping them.
"Hey," he says, and I can't divorce in his voice if he's hurt bad or not as I tip toe downstairs. "Did I wake you?"
"No, I was studying."
I always say I was awake when they ask. I always plan my lies in advance.
"Can you come down?"
"Sure."
I open the door and see him sitting in front of me, his head leant against the door. He's thrown inside when I open, blood painting the floor of the house and the edge of my pants, and the sight of him like this scares me. His whole face is ripped open, his hands and shirt and face are bloody and blood is just flowing off him. My lips part when I see him. I've seen him bloody and all before, but this is something else. He's never been this bad. What are they doing?
Now I don't feel happy to help anymore, now I just wish I wouldn't have to help him. I wish he wouldn't do whatever he's doing. I'll rather feel unhelpful than watch them show up like this once more. What was I thinking? How could I like helping them like this when they look like this? What is wrong with me?
I don't care we're close and I don't even think about the blood that splashed on my clothes; I kneel down and examine him with my eyes, not touching him.
"Are you okay?" I scream silently, my heart panicking.
"Yeah, no don't worry," he says and puts his palms on the floor. "It's not as bad as it looks."
"What?"
He looks like talking is a miracle with the state he currently has, how isn't it as bad as it looks? "Can you stand up? Do you want me to get the boys?"
"No don't tell them, they've got enough on their minds."
"Can you stand up?"
I'm fearing the answer. I hope he's gonna stand up and stop bleeding and leave the easy work for me, but he can't. He tries to get up, but the second he's on his knees he has to grab the doorframe of the open door to not fall back down. His hand is printed in blood where he placed it, and I start fearing how much I might need to touch him tonight. "Do you want me to help you?"
What are you doing? No, no, no! Don't touch him! It's too close! Please!
He looks at me once and I swallow, hoping for a no and apologizing for that, but I still don't refuse when he nods.
I exhale and feel my heart starting to escalate in my chest as I try to remember how this works. He needs help to stand up and walk, I need to help him balance himself. Okay. I can do this.
I feel how his bloody hand and side paints me as I grab his hand and put it on my shoulder, flinching the second I feel the weight of it heave down on my body.
I hate this, I'm freaking out over it, but I still don't let go. I need to help him, I can't just leave him like this. I can't be that selfish.
I lead him upstairs and keep throwing glances at the blood that's dripping on me. I don't know why that isn't freaking me out as much as it should.
I kick away the rug of my bathroom and sit him down on the cover of the toilet before grabbing all my things, the first thing being a towel.
"Sorry," he says as I wet the towel.
"No, it's okay," I tell him. "You just scared me."
"It really isn't that bad."
I kneel down in front of him and look up at his bloody face, not letting Noah's replace it. My elbows keep hitting his knees as I clean his face from blood. I wash the towel, clean his face, wash the towel, clean his face, and follow these two steps until the only bleeding thing in his face is the nose that isn't cooperating and the cut in his eyebrow. He's got a bruise over his eye and a huge crack on his lip, but his nose is what's important now.
I give him some pills that are gonna help his platelets build fibrin to stop his bleeding, and stuff his nose with special invented nose bleeding cotton. I have no idea from where Kaitlyn got all these, but I've been needing them a lot more than I thought I would. I clean his side and am forced to bandage it, just like his wrist, and I can announce that this has been the longest time I've had to fix any of them. We exchanged a few words, but it didn't turn the whole conversation less awkward since the circumstances weren't the best and none of us had the energy to talk.
"Thanks," he says when I'm done. "Really. I know it was a bit more to ask for, and I'm sorry I ruined your clothes like that."
"No it's okay," I say and walk into my room with him, seeing the blood coagulating on my floor. "You should go to the hospital to check your nose. That much blood isn't normal, I think it's broken."
"I'll get it checked tomorrow. Thanks."
"You should go tonight," I tell him when he turns around to leave. "I can...." What are you doing?! "I- I can come with you if you don't wanna wake the boys up. It's pretty serious, and with your rib and all. You're pretty injured."
"Thanks, but I'm fine. I'll do it tomorrow."
I try ignoring the feeling of embarrassment that washes over me when he says that. It feels like I'm intruding in his life and he's telling me to stop. I don't wanna sound as if I think I've got the right to tell him what to do, but that's what I am, and now he's telling me to stay on my side of the line.
"Yeah... sorry.... It'll help if you t- take a painkiller and go to sleep as soon as possible."
"Thanks."
He walks out and I walk inside the bathroom. I clean the mess there and decide to shower off the blood, ignoring the time.
When I step out, wet and dripping, I see my floor's cleaned with no signs of blood left on it.
He cleaned it.
•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•~•
The whole house was cleaned from blood the other morning. There were no signs of the previous night. I even doubted that the whole thing happened, until I looked in the small trash can of my bathroom and saw the bloody cotton balls and tissues. Even with that state, he was so determined to not let the boys know. Why?
"Where's the missing psychopath?" Isaac asks at breakfast, an hour before school starts. I can't believe how much I like mornings. I wake up, do my stuff and walk down to be greeted by the boys, and we sit down and have breakfast together.
"Dylan?" Parker says, his voice giving away he specifically wants Dylan to answer that question.
Dylan clears his throat once before answering. He hasn't eaten anything. From the second his plate filled with bacon and eggs, he's only been zig zagging between the food pieces with his fork.
"He," he says, putting his fork down but not looking up and with no energy at all. "He has to fix something."
Parker turns around to face him, and I can't help but put my fork down as well when the tension starts heaving.
"I didn't ask what he was doing, I asked where he is."
Parker is really nice, but he's got that protective side, which is scary. When he asks something you don't dare tell him other than the truth, which makes me wonder how I've managed to lie to him until now. He's got an authoritative and parenting side, one that you respect.
"He's with Oscar," Dylan says, ruder than he intended to I hope. All of them grimace at this. I've heard lots of names, and Oscar is the one they all frown at. "He needs to know."
"He shouldn't have gone alone," Tomas says, looking straight at Dylan, as if he's responsible for this. "We all need to know. He better realize we're all in this mess, not just him."
"Well that's the thing, he doesn't wanna pull anyone further in. He hasn't even told Elaine yet."
"Are we expecting anything else?" Isaac asks, causing an intensive silence to spread. I feel like I'm eavesdropping at their conversation, like I need to remind them of my existence so they don't say anything they regret later. "She's the last one finding out, and you better make sure he's not alone with her if it's true and he's gonna tell her. She trusts us, we need to be there if those rumors are true."
"Let's just call Mamá and ask her to take us to church," Dylan says. "Maybe we can pray together. And then ask the priest for a group therapy."
"We need more than a priest's therapy Dylan," Parker says and snorts. "We need a miracle made by Jesus Christ himself."
They all snort once at this, and I just remain in my seat, silent and none existent, until we make our way to school.
Landon didn't show up to school either, and the boys have been lying to Elaine the whole morning, saying it was something he needed to fix with Jordan and Mamá, who I now know is Landon's mother. They all call her Mamá because of her Spanish roots.
Who is even Oscar? And why is he so dangerous that they're not even telling Landon's girlfriend about him? There are so many questions running through my head, and I keep subduing them by telling myself I have no right to put my nose in their private business, especially when I've lied about mine and they haven't exposed my already exposed lies. They all know I'm lying, they're just pretending like everything's fine until I talk to them, which won't happen.
Not until the last class of the day does Landon show up, and he doesn't seem to be okay at all. He looks infuriated, as if his anger is brought from hell. Thomas even forced him inside the locker rooms as Dylan kept Elaine away. From what I found out, they called Isaac to come and pick him up since Dylan had to continue watching Elaine and Thomas couldn't miss his tests.
I'm scared of him to my core right now. I'm terrified actually. I'm waiting for something small to get him to explode, like the ticking time bomb he and the other boys are. They're all ticking time bombs, but some of them, have shorter and more sensitive fuzes than some others.
I have no intentions of interfering in their business as said, but I still can't bring myself to just go back to class and sit there without Dylan and Landon. It's like I don't belong there without them, especially since they're one of the factors that got me in here. I don't know what I wanna blame it on, but I don't show up to fourth period, and somehow, I don't care. Maybe it's because I know this is much more important and that they may (but most likely may not), need me more than I need seventy minutes of social studies.
The corridors are empty by now, making it easy to spot Dylan force Landon and Elaine inside the classroom of biology. Thomas has probably gone off to his tests.
I steer my steps towards the classroom and hear the noise of yelling come from it. I can't divorce who, except that it's Dylan or Landon, or what it's saying, but the volume is high and the anger is scaring. I consider just leaving it, but when the door snaps open, I freeze in my spot. It's, however, slammed shut again, and the other one of them starts screaming as well. From the sound to tell, they start fighting. I slowly open the door. As thought, they were fighting; Dylan's grabbed Landon's collar and has forced him against the wall as Elaine gracefully watches the whole scenario.
The second before their attention is drawn to me, I realize that I really don't understand any of them; Dylan is fighting with his best friend, and Landon's girlfriend is watching Landon get hit and yelled at by his best friend. It's in times like this, that happen a lot more than I'm used to and would like, that I start wondering how I ended up here.
"Hey," Dylan is the first one to speak. He doesn't let go of Landon, and Landon looks like he's gonna kill him but is fighting against it since they're still best friends. "Did you want something?"
"Um, no," I say, not knowing what to say now. Do you need the help of a shy, small, anti social, lying, weak and pathetic girl to keep your best friend under control? "I... I j- I just was looking for you..... I saw you come in here...."
And on she goes with her lies...
"Right. Okay. Yeah, so.... yeah we're here, we had a few bad memories from a summer camp to talk about. That's why Elaine is so calm. Bros you know."
"You fucking let me go!" Landon exclaims, not even trying to make Dylan's lie sound less like a lie. "I didn't come to break your face Dylan don't make me."
From the outside you may think Landon's stronger than Dylan, and I thought so until now too, but Dylan is apparently stronger. Either that, or Landon is holding back the urge to "break his face".
"Did you need something?" Dylan asks, responding nonchalantly to Landon's threats and anger. I on the other hand am close to shaking by fear.
"No I-," I start, but am interrupted, also this time getting more scared.
"She just came to see if she can help," Landon growls and locks his laser throwing eyes on me. "I asked for your help two times, don't come here thinking you mean something an-"
That actually hurt. He's right, I know, but it did hurt. I'm not expecting him to be nice to me, I have actually no expectations of him, but when he's asked me for something and that's what somehow created a relationship between us, I'm not expecting him to say something like that either. I'm not expecting anything. No kindness, but no rudeness either.
The relationship I share with Dylan is a bestie relationship, that's what we've got between us, and I thought, for a second, that me fixing Landon's injuries was going to be something that'd create a relationship between us that we could maybe work on, because I really want to get to know him, just like the others, but apparently not.
His sentence is cut off by Dylan, who's expression hardens and slams him against the wall by his collar, making me jump.
"Landon," Elaine says when Dylan does this. "Get your fucking shit together."
She doesn't take his side, Landon's, she takes Dylan's, even though he's hitting her boyfriend.
"What is wrong with you?" Dylan asks him.
"He's fucking-," Landon roars, but is cut off even now.
"Don't you think I know?!" Dylan screams and let's him go. "Don't you think I fucking know? I've been there during the whole fucking time, I know it tears you apart, and that ruins me. God! You're my brother, I know you! I'm gonna be there for you and fight with and for you when shit happens, but I'm gonna make sure that you stay out of any kind of trouble, even if I'm thrown inside it Landon. Taking her with you won't fix this, hitting me won't fix this, yelling at her," he points at me from behind him, noticing my existence for the first time now, "won't fix this. The way you wanna handle things won't fix anything. You gotta think straight okay?" He pokes Landon's temple with his fingers. I'm frozen in my spot, wondering why I came here in the first place. "You gotta get your shit together and you've got to let us help you. Do you wanna throw her in with you? Do you wanna cause her more trouble? She's not your ans-"
"Neither, are you," Elaine cuts him off and jumps down from the table to push him backwards. "This isn't your problem, it's ours D-"
Dylan takes some steps towards her, and even though she takes a few ones back, she doesn't seem scared at all. It feels like all the fear she is supposed to feel right now has been transformed to me, intimidating me to the point where I feel like crying.
"It's my problem too Elaine. This has been your problem the past year, but it's been my problem the past six years. I respect you, I love you, I care about you, but you can't tell me what is and what's not my problem. All his problems are mine, especially the ones that show up after six years."
I have no idea what I'm doing here, I really don't. I'm watching the events as if in a movie; I see them, I'm watching everything that's happening in front of my eyes, but they have no idea I'm here. I'm the audience they can't see. I'm invisible.
"Fuck this," Landon says. "I'm not taking her with me, I just wanted her to know, but I'm not taking you with me either. It's my problem. It's my fucking, eternal problem."
He storms away, shoving me really hard to the left. I almost fall, but I keep my balance by holding on to the table. I can almost feel the bruise forming on my arm.
Elaine runs after him, and I'm expecting Dylan to do the same, but he just sighs heavily and brings his hands to his face before dragging a hand through his hair, mumbling "Oh fuck", and smiling at me.
"Come on," he says and motions towards the door. "Let's leave. We need to fix the house a bit for Jordan's birthday party."
~
He's there when you need him.
He picks you up when you fall.
He sticks up for you when no one else will.
He's your brother.
~
What's going on with Landon? Where was he the other night? Why was he so cold?
What problem?
Let me know it all!
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xoxoMichelle