He's still sitting at the edge of my damn bed just looking at me like he wants to cry and honestly? I'm struggling with wanting to hug him or make him cry more by connecting my fist with his nose.
"Well? Where is this Morgenstern history lesson I was promised?" I say trying to get this over with.
"Where do you want me to start?"
"I guess the beginning, " I say idiotically, I don't want to know what's behind this monsters mask, I'm afraid if I peel back the layers I won't see a monster at all, just my brother.
My brother has done monstrous things.
I remind myself, what is wrong with me? I'm almost as messed up as Jonathan!
"I was put into foster care as an infant and it's never been... the ideal situation. For the longest time, all I had ever known was abuse, bruises covering head to toe, missing meals, skipping school because the welts couldn't be covered. It's not like the school system cared anyway, the kids at school added their own works of art with their fists to match our dads. My entire existence, my entire being was abuse, I would get up go to school and get beat, then I would come home and get it worse. There was no escape. Not until Valentine, " he says pausing as if his next words are too difficult to voice.
"John, " I say reaching out to grab his hand, as soon as my fingers brush his he sighs almost as if this one simple gesture gives him the strength to continue. I immediately regret impulsively reaching out but in a way, I kind of don't.
"If I thought I had gotten beaten before... It was always so much worse with him as I'm sure you know. By the time he found me, Clary I was broken, I actually thought his mental and physical abuse was okay because it was out of love... how stupid is that?" He asks clinging to my hand for dear life, " How stupid was that?" he repeats and my heart breaks for him.
"It's not stupid, it's human nature."
I'm surprised you could think I was anything other than a monster after what I did to you."
"All monsters are human Johnathan. "
I don't want to think of him as human but then again, I don't want to continue to think of him as a villain either but that's what he is. The second I'm out of here I need to get my damn head checked.
"So, when Valentine adopted me, I thought things would be different and for the first few months they were, everything was great and then it wasn't, " he says pausing briefly before continuing.
"looking back now I think he just was manipulating me to ensure my loyalty. Once he had that there was no need for the pretenses. He knew he had me right where he wanted me in the palm of his hands. I let him turn me into a monster because I was so desperate for a family, desperate to be loved, hell I would have settled for not hated, " he says wiping his eyes.
"I've always thought it was my fault, that I deserved it, that's how I was raised. But when Valentine told me that I... that I killed my mother by being born it's like I gave up. I finally knew why I spent my life being beaten, it was my price to pay for the life I took."
"Johnathan, how could you possibly bear the blame for something that happened at birth?Which was a lie by the way our mother is still alive and kicking and completely under Valentine's control, at this point I doubt she'd even care if he killed me."
"I wish that weren't true, but I fear you are correct, I was so relieved when you found that guy Jace and moved in with him for about two seconds, then Valentine lost his mind and I knew I had to get you out. I don't think he would hurt your family though Clary, I mean he would without batting an eyelash but he still needs something from you if he needs something from you, you're safe. It's when you're considered useless that you and everyone you love becomes disposable. "
"That's the way he thought of me until I taught myself how to fight, how to be strong, how to never be the victim at a man's feet again," I say holding on to that anger as best as I can, but I can already feel my grip loosening.
"You were always strong Clary, stronger than anyone I have ever known, you just let our father break you down to where you didn't believe it. I think after... you just gave up on Valentine completely, so what he did or said didn't really matter to you anymore."
Yeah, that and the fact that I was beaten within an inch of my life, actually less than that. However, he does have a point as much as I hate to admit it. That night I did give up o him. Before, despite every horrible thing he did to me I would blame myself, I would make excuses for him, I would tell myself he would change, that there was hope. Until that night where my hope was snuffed out like a flickering candle on a birthday cake.
I doubt the bastard even knows my birthday. Our lives are not so different Johnathan's and mine. The only difference is I had an outlet, I had a second family, I had a father in Luke, a brother in Magnus, I had Simon, I had and have a huge support system despite my fucked up family. Would I be like Johnathan if I didn't have them by my side? Would I be a monster wearing human skin? Would I let Valentine turn me into his murderous puppet? As much as I want the answer to those questions to be no, the truth is I don't know, and that thought is paralyzing. Evil isn't always born sometimes... sometimes it's created.
"You're right in a way, that was the last moment I gave a damn what he thought, guess in a way you helped me out,' I say dryly," If not for the knowledge of true evil I wouldn't be the badass that I am today. Nobody can touch me now, that's why you had to drug me to get me in here."
"Don't say that Clary, not even as a joke, I did you no favors, I didn't give you anything, I only took, I've taken everything from you Clary and I'm so sorry, but you have to know, no one gave you your strength Clary, nobody but you. You don't deserve this, any of this."
"Neither do you," I say honestly, he didn't deserve that childhood no one does.
"Maybe I didn't then but I deserve it now. For my crimes against you, against others it's unforgivable." Then why do I find myself already forgiving him for every damn thing he did? Maybe it's because I can see so clearly how I could be the one standing in his place or maybe I'm just as desperate for a family as he is.
" I'm still sorry you had to go through this Johnathan. I can kind of see how you could do terrible things with an upbringing like that... you kind of didn't have a chance. Valentine took that away from you."
"Everything is a choice Clary, everything and I chose wrong, so wrong, you had the same upbringing and look how amazing you turned out."
"Yes, but I had a second family, one that welcomed me with loving arms and raised me when my biological... our biological parents didn't. I wasn't alone, you were alone and for that, I am so sorry. If I would have known about you before... I would have helped you."
I want to trust him so much; my heart is telling me to forgive him, but my head is telling me to get the hell out of this entire situation.
"No, Clary you wouldn't have ended up like me, you're so much better than I could ever or will ever be. No matter what he has done, even if you didn't have Luke and Simon you would still be you." I wish his words didn't make me want to hug him, but they do.
When he talks like that all I want is to be one of those siblings that go out to movies and bicker over the remote control, I want that for us, for me, for him but I can't have that, and I really need to face it.
Part of me wishes I didn't know about Johnathan, I was perfectly fine not having a brother before I knew about him. I was happy and didn't at all feel like there was a hole inside my chest but with every loving word out of his mouth that hole that never existed before grows bigger because we will never have that. He will always be the guy that tortured me, the guy from my nightmares and I don't think that is something I could ever get over or should.
I hate Valentine so much more than I did yesterday, for what he did to me but especially for what he did to my brother, if not for his manipulation we could have been a family, but he ruined it.
"Johnathan, "I say suddenly remembering something, "why were you following me that night? If it was really to protect me why did you run away."
"I have followed you every night Clary to make sure you were okay, I can't begin to tell you how many times I saved... stopped Valentine or his men from harming you. I know it's creepy but there was no other way to keep you safe. That night Sebastian had just switched sides, I caught him following you with a pistol in his hand but when I tackled him to the ground and took his gun he ran away like the coward he is."
"Do you think he was sent to kill me?"
"No, I think to capture you, like I said Valentine still wants something from you." Yeah, I know all about what he wants. He wants me to be the leader of Shadows of the night and swear my undying loyalty to him along with signing away my paycheck to him, but little does he know I won't be his fighter anymore. For two years I have wanted that title, I deserve it, there is no one better than me at Shadows but I will not lead under his thumb. If I would have known he was an owner, I would have gone to Legends in the first place and met Jace a lot sooner, although I'm glad he didn't see me before.
"Get some rest sister," as he says it I feel my eyes drooping, I don't know why I'm so tired, it's not like I haven't been sleeping for nine hundred hours. Then it dawns on me that I didn't even ask him anything important, how long I've been here, how long until I can leave, I was too distracted by his story and our similarities to think strategically or even logical.
I can only hope that Simon understood my clue but even if he did we are in the middle of freaking Alaska, this isn't even a state it should be its own country it's so damn big. They will never find me, nobody is coming for me, I'm on my own but that's okay because I've done the impossible before. But that's for tomorrow because right now the nothingness taking over my sight feels to alluring to fight.
Thanks for reading you guys! You guys are so amazing to stick with this story for so long! Don't forget to vote and comment. 😊😊😊♥️
Published on 5/23/19