I feel like my world is crumbling as I step out of Allie's room. I fucked everything up with one sentence.
With nine words.
'For being with someone sixteen years younger than me.'
Tears stream down my cheeks as I close her door and stand outside of it for a few seconds, debating whether or not I should go back in and try to explain myself again.
I decide against it, of course, knowing it'd just make her more upset and that she won't listen to me.
When I make it down to my car, I rest my head on the steering wheel and let my sobs free, clutching the sides of it tight.
Once I've sort of regained myself, I sit back up and grab the paper she'd handed me from in my pocket. She said it was what she'd planned on saying to my mom.
I unfold them and my eyes settle on her handwriting. It's practically a script on what she wanted to say. She was that nervous?
The top of the first page is titled 'Diana Reid' and below it...
'You did such a wonderful job raising this young man. He's never once been cruel to me and he always makes me smile and treats me with respect. Not to mention he's smart as a whip and from what I've heard, he gets it from you. I really adore him and I'm so in love with him that it terrifies me a little bit.
I see myself settling down and having a family with him which is something I'd never wanted before. Something that I was positive I'd never want before meeting him.
Then he came around and now I'm having dreams about the two of us getting woken up at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning by some little goblins that look like both of us.
In all honesty, when he asked me to come with to meet you in Vegas, my mind started churning out a bizarre scenario in which we got married while we were down here. Who knows what might happen? All I know is I wouldn't object to getting married in a tacky, little chapel that does drive-through weddings. I'd be marrying the man of my dreams and I couldn't care less if it were in a courthouse, in front of an Elvis impersonator, or in some fancy banquet hall with all of our friends and family.
Spencer is'
It cuts off after the word 'is'. She didn't finish it.
My tears hit the page as I read it, spreading some of the ink around.
I fucked up. I fucked everything up.
She was ready to get married and now she doesn't want anything to do with me.
Fuck.
Way to go, Spencer.
I start driving without a destination in mind and after about two hours, I pull up to a cemetery and the pilot light in my brain is blown out. I drove here without even realizing it. My first instinct is that maybe I wanted to talk it out with Gideon, but there's someone else buried here...
Maeve.
I sit in my car for awhile, staring through the windshield at the tombstones lining the grass. I pull out my phone and try to call Allie a few times, leaving voicemail after voicemail and asking her to let me explain and telling her that I'm sorry.
I send her text messages.
Please call me.
Please talk to me.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it.
I was angry.
I love you.
Please call me.
Please let me explain.
I don't receive an answer to any of my calls or messages.
I shove my phone in my pocket and hop out of the car, closing the door behind me before starting down the trail that leads through the cemetery. It's a route I've taken only a few times before. It's been years, though. Life got in the way.
The black granite headstone in front of me reads 'Maeve Donovan'. Someone I knew so well, but didn't really know at all.
"You..." I start, feeling silly about talking to a grave. "You ruined everything for me. I can't get over you and it's ruining my life."
I sigh and run my fingers through my hair before tucking my hands in my coat pockets to protect them from the cold.
"I want to be happy. I want a family and I want to be with Allie, but you're always in the back of my mind. You're fucking everything up. I can't have what I want... what I deserve because of you!" I shout at the piece of granite. "And I hardly knew you. Hardly! Yet you've managed to fuck up the one good relationship I've had..." I let out another sigh, shaking my head. "This is stupid. Why should I blame you? It's my brain that's attached to you for some reason. You're six feet underground..."
I scoff and take a seat in front of the headstone, not even bothered by the snow on the ground.
"I lost Allie today. For good, I think. I fucked up... God, I really fucked up. Now, I'm sitting here... while it's getting dark... talking to a ghost," I shake my head, feeling like an idiot once again. "She said that she didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I won't even get to see her in class anymore. At least... if we were fighting, she'd come to class and I'd get to see her and leave notes on her work. Now... I don't know what to do with myself. I'm lost. I'm completely lost. I don't know what to do."
I hear some shuffling come from somewhere and get a sick feeling in my stomach. Alright, wrap it up, Spencer. I don't wanna be caught here when it's pitch black outside.
"When I lost you... God, I was torn apart for months. If Allie died, I..." I can't even finish the sentence before tears gather in my eyes and the sick feeling already in my gut multiplies and spreads throughout my entire body. "I... I wouldn't be able to... I couldn't keep on living if she..." My chest heaves as a sob breaks out of my throat. "I couldn't stand to get up every single day and never be able to see her smile or hear her laugh. I'd never be able to hold her hand... Oh, fuck. God, I love her so much... I couldn't live without her."
Then, a switch flips in my brain.
I'm living without Maeve. I'm doing just fine without her. Sure, it took some time, but... I got on with life after she died. I went back to work, I went back to the usual routines of my day-to-day life.
If Allie died, that'd be it for me. I'd never be the same again, I'd never get on with my life. Without her, my entire world would crash and crumble around me.
Allie is everything to me.
I may have loved Maeve, but not in the way that I love Allie. What I felt for Maeve doesn't even come close to what I feel for Allie. The Earth stops spinning when she smiles at me, my heart leaps when she says my name. When she says she loves me... somewhere in the universe the cores of several stars are collapsing and they burst... they explode, each of them becoming a supernova.
She's my soul mate. She's the love of my life.
I have no doubts about it.
I get up and start on my way back to my car, almost feeling like a different person.
I have to tell her how I feel.
I call her again.
And again.
And again.
I call her so many times and get voicemail each time.
I text her again.
Please call me, it's important.
I really need to talk to you.
Allie, please call me.
Please pick up the phone.
My chest gets heavier when I see that she's reading each message and not responding.
This goes on for my entire week back home. I couldn't even call her to say wish her a merry Christmas. Her gift is still sat on my desk, wrapped up nicely.
Then... no answers on New Years... no midnight kiss.
The depression was barely tolerable while I was in Vegas, but now that I'm back in DC and alone in my apartment... it's taking quite the toll on me. I'm sleeping nearly all day and barely eating or drinking anything.
A phone number pops into my mind, one that I haven't called in nearly twelve years.
"Fuck," I sigh, picking up my phone and looking down at the dial pad, debating what my next move should be. I dial the number, hoping that it's out of service.
"Hello?" The familiar voice registers in my ear. "Who's calling?"
"Louie? I... um, Spencer, about twelve years ago you...filled my prescriptions?" I try to say it with confidence, but no such luck. "Do you still-"
"The agent, right? You never ratted me out, I really owe you one," Louie's New York accent is even more thick than it was back then.
"I keep my promises," I say matter-of-factly.
"It was hydromorphone, right? Dilaudid?" He asks. "Is that what you're looking for, or you in the market for something else?"
"That's... that's correct," I nod, noticing that my leg has started shaking from the anxiety I'm experiencing.
"Half-mil, one, or two?"
"Half."
"One hundred even. Cash. I can meet you now where we used to meet up. Say, twenty minutes?"
"Okay, okay. I'll be there. Thank you."
I hang up the phone and rush to get some shoes on before grabbing one hundred dollars in twenties out of my safe and heading out.
When the tiny bottle hits my hand, I already feel guilty. When I walk into Walgreens to buy insulin syringes, I feel even worse, making up a bullshit story about how my mother is diabetic and even giving them specific doses so they'd believe me.
When I get home, I sit down on my bed, setting the bag of syringes and the bottle down in front of me.
I need to call Allie, I think to myself as I grab my phone out of my pocket. I call three times and get no answer, feeling my heart shatter as the all too familiar voicemail greeting plays.
'Hi, it's Allie! Leave me a message!'
"Allie, it's me again. I..." My eyes lock onto the tiny glass bottle. "I miss you and I love you. I love you so much, Alexandria. Please pick up the phone." I pick up the bottle and stare down at it. "I'm sorry. Please call me back."
I hang up the phone and set it down before running to grab the tourniquet out of my first aid kit in the kitchen.
After getting everything open and ready, I pull the tourniquet onto my arm.
Pull the strap, turn the rod once...
As I'm about to turn the rod, my eyes land on my phone screen. It's still lit up with a photo of Allie, snuggled up on the couch under a blanket. We were watching Doctor Who that night. The bottom half of her face is covered up with the blanket, but you can tell by the look in her eyes that she's happy and smiling. Her face is clean of makeup and her hair is pulled up into a ponytail. The photo showcases her raw beauty.
Allie would be so disappointed if she knew what I'm about to do.
I shut the screen off and flip my phone over...
-
When the day of her show rolled around, I'd been so excited to see her. Even if I wasn't able to talk to her, it would have been worth watching her perform.
The show wasn't what I'd anticipated, though. Well, I'd read a summary of Rent when she first told me about it, but I didn't know about all of the characters and their stories.
Mimi, who Allie plays, is a dancer at the 'Cat Scratch' club. Roger is her love interest in the musical.
Of course, the last thing I expected was Allie showing her ass off, dancing provocatively to her song 'Out Tonight', and kissing someone else.
That's what tore me apart... seeing her lip locked with someone else.
Acting, I tried to tell myself. It's just acting.
My brain couldn't get over it and when I saw Allie walk out from the backstage exit, I snapped at her, telling her that if she kissed him before we were broken up, she cheated on me.
She shouted back that it's just acting and told me that she didn't rehearse the kisses and did them for the first time on stage just then.
During our conversation, the guy who played Roger walked out and gave a smile to Allie, asking if she'd still be meeting him at Shake Shack. This made me terribly jealous, which only fueled the fire about the kisses.
When classes started back up, I'd see her in the hallway from time to time. Sometimes she'd be walking with the boy who played Roger. She'd make eye contact with me every once in awhile, but not very often. She'd always look away less than a second after our eyes met.
It's been over a month. Valentine's day is in a week, which I'm not excited for in the least.
All of Allie's things are still here. She hasn't come to pick up any of it, hasn't texted me to ask for any of it back...
My frequent calls and text messages finally slowed to a stop. I haven't called her or messaged her in over a week. I never got one response from the girl, but I suppose that's what I deserve. I hurt her so terribly.
I constantly wonder how she's doing. I wonder if she got that job at the studio. I wonder how her band is doing...
When the thoughts become too much to handle... I know the tiny glass bottle in my drawer can take the pain away for a little bit.
And right now... it's all too much.
I set everything out, just as I usually do. When I get the tourniquet on, though, there's a knock at the door.
Who the hell would be at my door at eleven at night?
I sigh and undo the strap, sliding the band down and off of my arm before tossing it on my bed. I close the door to my bedroom on my way to see who the hell is knocking.
When I unlock the door and open it up, my heart almost drops.
Allie stands outside the door. It's the first time I've seen her up close since we talked at her show.
Her dark brown roots have grown out to about an inch and a half in length. She's usually very on top of getting them done, but she must have been busy.
I take in her appearance. She looks like a wreck. She doesn't have shoes on, just a pink velvet dress that I've seen on her plenty of times before. She's crying and shaking and her makeup is running down her cheeks and there's a tiny cut on her lip.
Something must have happened to her...
"I...I know that maybe I shouldn't have come here, but..." She says quietly, her voice raspy. "I didn't have anyone else to go to."
"What happened to you? Where are your shoes and your coat? Come on, come inside..." I move out of her way and gesture for her to step in.
When she steps in, I close the door behind her.
"Sit down, sit down. Let me get you a blanket and start filling the bath up with some water to soak your feet in, okay?" I pull a chair out from the table for her and she takes a seat as I run to the living room to grab the blanket off of the couch.
Did she get mugged? What the hell happened to her? Someone must have taken her coat and her shoes and hit her in the mouth...
I bring her the blanket and help the girl wrap it around herself before heading to the bathroom to start filling the bath up with hot water to warm her feet. They're a pale shade of purple from the exposure to the cold and having to walk in the snow, but it doesn't look like there's any frostbite.
I see movement out of the corner of my eye and look to my right to see Allie standing in the doorway. She's got the blanket wrapped around her like a cape.
"Hey, come here. You can sit on the edge of the tub and soak your feet," I walk toward her and put a hand on her shoulder, guiding her toward the tub.
The girl does as I suggest and sits on the edge, still keeping the blanket wrapped around her shoulders.
"I'm sorry," She says as I grab a wash cloth and wet it down with some warm water. "For being such a bitch to you... for ignoring you all this time."
I wring it out in the sink and turn around to look at her. "You were hurting, Allie. I hurt you and I deserved to be ignored-"
"No," She shakes her head. "You didn't deserve that."
"It doesn't matter, Al. Here," I step up to her, showing her the washcloth. "Can I help clean your makeup off?"
She hesitates for a second before nodding. I bring the washcloth up to her face and start to gently wipe away the mascara tear trails that line her cheeks.
"Do you want to tell me what happened?" I ask her, noting that she seems to have calmed down quite a bit. She's still shaking the tiniest bit, but her crying has stopped.
"I was... I was at Devin's house," She says, not making eye contact with me. "The guy who played Roger."
Oh. Roger.
I nod, letting her know that I'm listening.
"And... we were hanging out and watching a movie on his bed and he started running his hand up my thigh and I didn't care until he started...touching me." Tears build up in her eyes and her voice starts to get shaky once again.
Fuck. No...
"Allie..." I stare back at her in disbelief.
"I tried to laugh it off and I told him to quit it, but he got on top of me and... maybe he thought I was playing around because he was giggling. But then I tried to get out from under him and... and I told him to knock it off and... I slapped him and... and he got mad and punched me in the mouth and..." She swipes at the tears as they leave her eyes. "He tore my underwear... and...and held my hands above my head. When he was... finishing, he sort of tried to reposition his hand and I hit him and pushed him off of me. And I just ran and ran until I got here," The girl cries, meeting my gaze. "I didn't stop at all."
"Allie, God, I'm sorry. We... we have to get you to the police station and the hospital-"
Allie cuts me off. "No, it's my fault-"
"Allie," I scoff, shaking my head. "He raped you. That is in no way your fault. You told him to stop, you tried to fight back."
She looks down at her lap. "I guess."
"How are your feet?" I ask her, continuing to wipe her face off.
"Better," She says softly. "Thank you."
"I'll get you some socks and I think you have your Converse here..." I tell her, offering the girl the wash cloth.
She takes it and looks up at me. "Spencer?"
"Yeah?"
"I..." Allie looks conflicted, her eyes darting down to the washcloth. It's almost like she can't say something. "I'm sorry for... everything."
"There's no need to be sorry, okay?" I assure her, resting my hand on her shoulder.
She just shrugs and wipes her cheeks before I head back into my room to find some socks and shoes for her. That's when I realize that I left everything out on my bed. Fuck... she must've seen it.
Maybe she didn't.
I scramble to scoop all of it up and put it into my drawer, but I'm stopped by a hand on my arm.
"Spencer, I saw it already..." She says quietly, making me turn around. The tears are still making their way down her cheeks. "I hurt you that badly? That... you relapsed?"
I can almost hear her heart shattering into a million pieces. Her bloodshot brown eyes are full of guilt and sadness.
"I just..." I look down at the glass bottle. "It helps me... go numb to everything for a little while."
She wipes her cheeks, looking down at the items in my hand. "I made you relapse after twelve years. I fucked everything up for you."
"No," I shake my head, tossing them onto my bed. "No, Allie, it's not your fault."
"Isn't it?" She scoffs, brushing her hair back. "Ever since I came into your life, I've just fucked everything up. You almost lost your job because of me, you relapsed-"
"I could have made the decision to go to a meeting or call my sponsor when I felt like getting high, Allie. I didn't. That's on me, alright?" I poke my chest. "Now, let's get your shoes on so we can go."
I grab the girl some socks out of her drawer and take her shoes out of the closet.
I gesture to the bed and tell her to sit down before getting on my knees.
"Why are you doing this for me?" She sighs, watching as I slide the socks onto her feet. "Not just the socks, but... everything."
"Allie, you came to me in a time of need. I'm not gonna throw you out on your ass after someone..." I can't even say it. I can't bring myself to.
It makes me so unbelievably angry to think that he hurt her like that. He hit her, he raped her. If I ever see him...
"Yeah..." She says with a sigh.
"Not to mention... I never stopped loving you. Not even for a second," I tell her, slipping her right shoe onto her foot. "I just kept hoping that you'd answer my calls or my messages. Or that you'd use your key to come home and... we could make everything okay again."
"I miss you," She frowns at me as I tie her laces. "And I never stopped loving you either."
I stand up, grab her my green coat from the closet and help her into it. I grab the girl a change of clothes before putting my own shoes and coat on.
We head out to the car and on the way to the hospital Allie is mostly quiet.
About halfway there, I hear her say my name softly.
"Hmm?" I hum, sneaking a peek at her before returning my eyes to the road.
"Can I hold your hand?"
I take my right hand off of the wheel and offer it to her, palm up. "Of course," I tell her as she interlocks our fingers.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Sure, Al."
"When they do this kit thing... what happens?"
I explain the process to her, going through how they'll treat any injuries that require immediate attention first, then ask some questions and take swabs for DNA evidence. I tell her that the entire process can take two to four hours and that they might take her clothes as evidence, which is why I brought a new outfit for her.
"After all of that, the evidence is stored and... when you report him, the police will handle everything from there," I say as we pull up to the urgent care clinic.
"You don't have to stay," She says as I take my seat belt off. "You can go if you want to."
"Allie," I take her hand into mine again and press a kiss to her knuckles. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
She gives me a small nod before the two of us head into the building together.
I spend my time in the waiting room as the hours tick by. Allie finally emerges in her change of clothes at a quarter to four in the morning.
"A police officer came in to talk to me," She says, sitting down in the seat next to me. "She helped me file the report and she said that they can pick up my purse and stuff, so... I gave her a list."
"How are you doing?" I ask her, sitting up straight.
The girl shrugs. "I'm tired... and kind of hungry, but I don't feel like eating or sleeping."
"Why don't we stop by a diner? You don't have to eat, but you can order something incase you want it for later," I suggest, standing up and smoothing out my jacket. "Plus, being out of the house can keep us awake longer."
Allie stands up and gives me a weak smile. "Okay, that sounds good."