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Ha.
"Luke, you okay?" Michael asked me. "You look like you're about to cry."
"Car exhumes got in my eye, sorry," I lied. We were walking past all the cars in the parking lot, so it did make sense. I didn't know that I was about to cry, but the poster that Michael and I had just walked past kind of got to me. Yes, I was stressed out. It's already April, and you'd think I would have been on top of myself. But no, I had a ten-page essay for philosophy due tomorrow and I haven't even started. I've also been getting no higher than a 79% on exams. Oh, yes, the university life is suiting my perfectly.
Soon, Michael and I made our separate ways. I waited in the halls until my first class started. I didn't really do anything. I just put on my Beats headphones (which were a birthday present from Ben and Jack. I personally asked them not to get me anything, but I wasn't going to deny their gift) and read whatever book I got my hands on. I decided to reread the Harry Potter series, because why the hell not?
After about ten minutes of waiting, I walked into my professor's classroom, and the dragging lesson that was philosophy began.
✘✘✘
It wasn't the greatest feeling, crying for no reason in the middle of nowhere.
It wasn't like hiding in the bushes was going to help. For one, I was getting myself covered in mud. Adding on to that, I wasn't the shortest person on this campus, and someone was destined to find my head peeking out of the bushes. When they do, seeing an eighteen-year-old boy hugging his knees, rocking back and forth, and bawling his eyes out won't be the prettiest sight. But hey, that's how I was at the moment.
At the same time, it felt a little bit good to cry. I was never one to tell people my problems. In fact, I despised telling people my problems with a burning passion. They were my problems, and I do not need to tell another person and add on to their own. People have their own issues and they don't need to hear mine. I never even told Ben and Jack. I guess I was always like this, bottling up my emotions to the point where I would explode. Crying was a way of letting it out, and it actually felt nice.
I was actually considering those free counseling sessions.
At the same time, seeing those posters hung up everywhere made me angry. I didn't want to tell some person about my problems, about how I was feeling. I also didn't need them telling me how to make myself feel better. It wasn't like it was going to benefit me in the end. Besides, I was a lost cause, and it would do absolutely no help at all.
If there was one thing right with those posters, is that I was stressed about school.
The best bit is that I only have myself to blame.
It's all my fault, and I was actually willing to be responsible and admit it. It's my decision to leave papers to the last minute. It's my decision to do nothing all day and stay up all night doing assignments. It's my decision to slack off. I wish I could change, but I just can't. It was like I was born a procrastinator, and that's what I will always be. I can't help myself but leave assignments to the last minute. I can't help myself but not study for exams until the day I'm going to take them. It was just who I was, and I hated it.
But I couldn't leave the university. As much as I try to convince myself otherwise, I care about what other people think of me. And, as irrational as it is, I'd rather be failing all of my classes instead of dropping out. If I dropped out, they'd think of me as incapable.
I got up from the ground and dusted myself off. I went to the nearest restrooms, went to the sink, and washed my face with water. Once I walked out, I bumped into Emile Richelieu.
Emile was nice. I've sat next to him in philosophy before. You could tell that he's grown up in America because of his accent, but his parents are French and he himself can speak the language fluently. Emile didn't have a very high stature. His hair was a dirty blonde, but you could see the light brown roots. He had very fair skin and auburn eyes, and sometimes he was too preppy for me.
"Luke!" Emile said. "Are you okay?"
"Yeah," I drawled out. I tried my best to sound as if there wasn't any other option.
Emile stared at me. His right eyebrow was raising slightly, as if he didn't believe me. "Okay then," he said skeptically. He turned and walked away.
He can see right through me, and we both know that.
✘✘✘
"Uckle Lucas!"
I laughed, opening my arms as my niece jumped into them. I picked her up and spun her around, causing her to giggle. I rested her on my hip as I turned my head to kiss her cheek.
"How are you, princess?" I asked.
"Daddy got me somethin'!" Zoe exclaimed.
"Oh, yeah?" I asked. "What'd he get you?"
"A dolly!" she exclaimed. She pulled out a plush doll and showed it to me. I think I've seen that brand of doll on television commercials, but I couldn't remember the brand at the moment. It was one of those dolls that you can make after yourself. And it did look a lot like Zoe. It had dirty-blonde hair and blue eyes, just like my niece, and it had a purple dress, just like the one that Zoe was clad in.
I gasped deliberately. "It looks just like you, princess!" I said, poking Zoe's cheeks. "What's her name?"
"You name it!" Zoe said.
I chuckled. "Aw, I can't name it, princess, it's your doll. How about we name it together, yeah?"
Zoe nodded her head vigorously. I spun her around as we made our way to the couch where Jack and Celeste were sitting. Ben was on the loveseat, chatting with Jack and his wife.
"Hey, Cel," I said with a smile.
"Luke!" Celeste exclaimed. She got up from next to Jack and we kissed each other's cheeks. She sat back down, giving Jack access to throw his arm around her shoulders. I sat on a chair with Zoe on my lap.
"So," I said to Zoe, "what are we going to name your doll?"
Zoe didn't answer for a moment. She had her thumb under her chin as she thought (she probably saw that gesture in a cartoon, by the looks of it). She pondered for a little bit more, and then she gasped.
"Cookie!" she exclaimed.
"Hm," I said. "If you name her Cookie, you can never change her name again," I told her. "Are you sure you want to name her that, princess?"
Zoe's smile faltered. She thought about it for a little more. Then she looked at me. "I can name her Lucas, after my Uckle Lucas!"
I smiled at her. "You can't name her Lucas, princess. Lucas is a boy's name."
Zoe pouted. "I can name her Robert! Robert is your middle name, huh?"
"Robert is a boy's name, too."
"Roberta is a girl's name."
"You can name her Roberta, then, if you really want."
Zoe then smiled. She climbed off of my lap, and she started running to Jack and Celeste. "Mommy! Daddy! I found a name for my dolly!"
Jack picked up his daughter and had her sit on his lap. "Oh, yeah? What'd you name her, Zoe-Bo?"
"Roberta!" Zoe said. "After my Uckle Lucas!"
Jack turned, and he smiled at me. He then started playing with Zoe and her newly-named doll Roberta. I never pictured Jack to be the fatherly type. He was always immature as a kid, even though he was the oldest. He was reckless and brave, and no one would ever guess that he would be a father someday. But, with Celeste by his side and Zoe in front of them, you could easily see that Jack was a great parent.
"Jack's a family man, Luke," Ben said as he sat down next to me.
"We have a niece," I pointed out.
"We're getting old," Ben sighed. He turned to me. "Are you still afraid of growing old?"
My jaw locked. "I'm okay with it." But that wasn't true.
I sighed, getting up from the chair. My hands were covered in sweat (as they always are when I'm feeling anxious), and so I wiped them on my jeans. I walked to my room slowly, feeling a little bit stiff, and I collapsed onto my bed.
I should work on my essay, but I don't want to.
Oh, yeah, my life is totally in check.
It should be so easy for me, doing my work right now. Instead of going on my laptop to check Tumblr, I could actually divert to turning on Word to work on my essay. It's that simple, just a click of a button. But my mind begs to differ. My mind wants me to choose otherwise. I can't even bring myself to make the right decisions, and it makes me upset.
In a few minutes, my chest was aching and my nose was clogged. There was a pricking sensation in my eyes and I out of breath.
"Luke, Jack is leavi—Luke?"
Ben panicked. I heard him. When he panics, Ben started to pace. He stomps his foot on the ground and he starts to snap his fingers repeatedly. I heard his stomping and his snapping. I heard him call for Jack, saying that something happened to me. Multiple people ran in the room. I heard Zoe ask what was wrong. I heard Celeste shushing Zoe and telling her that everything was going to be okay. I felt Jack and Ben hovering over me.
"Luke?"
"Luke, what's wrong?"
"Luke, why are you crying?"
"Luke!"
"Answer us, Luke!"
I suddenly pushed my way out of my bed. I grabbed my laptop on my nightstand, and I flipped the top open. I turned it on, went on Chrome, and started looking things up.
"Luke, what's going on?" Jack demanded.
I paused for a second. "Australia."
"What?" Ben scoffed.
"Australia!" I exclaimed.
"What's going on with Australia?" Ben shouted.
"I need to go to Australia!" I said in an exasperated tone.
Ben and Jack both had surprised looks on their faces. Jack started shaking his head abruptly.
"Luke, you can't leave. Not now. It's April, and you finish school in June—"
"No!" I shouted. "I need to leave now! I need to go to Australia!"
"What's in Australia?" Ben asked.
"You wouldn't understand," I told him. "Australia is like my Great Perhaps. My heart is set on Australia. There's something in Australia waiting for me. Thank you for everything, really. Thank you for taking me in, thank you for letting me live with you, but I need to leave."
"Luke—"
"You can't stop me, Jack," I said defiantly.
Jack sighed. "I'm not stopping you, Luke, I just want you to know something. Australia is an entirely different country. Hell, Australia is an entirely different continent! You'll be about eight thousand miles away from us, Luke. You'll be in a new city, a new country... I want you to be safe, Luke. Do you know what you're doing?"
"I have to go, Jack," I told him. Jack seemed to understand.
"We're buying you a plane ticket," Ben said.
"Ben, you've done enough—"
"Shut up, we're buying you a plane ticket," Ben said. "Give me your laptop."
I reluctantly gave Ben my laptop. He was typing furiously, trying to find the earliest flight. He then turned to me. "Well? What are you waiting for? You should be packing!"
Jack already got a duffel bag. I grabbed whatever clothes I had in my dresser and threw them in the bag. I grabbed my iPhone and my charger. I grabbed my favorite books. I grabbed the money I had been saving since I was eleven, and I stuffed it at the very bottom of my bag. I didn't have any room to take my laptop, but I didn't need it.
My brothers were smiling at me as I had my duffel bag strap on my shoulder and the printed plane ticket in my hand. I has happy. I was going to see Calum.
"How fast do you think we'll make it to LAX?"