Somehow I managed to hide just how much he had said got to me. Or at least he decided not to comment on it, which I was unbelievably grateful for. Instead he changed the topic.
"So... anyway, what have you been doing this past week? Was it as busy as you thought it would be?"
I could tell he was genuinely curious, he didn't just ask this to be polite. I took a deep breath. I would continue to use busy as a euphemism for sad, so I nodded. "Yeah, it was. Uhm.. just work, you know?"
Brian hummed in confirmation and got a piece of pizza for himself, looking at me expectantly. Apparently he expected a detailed report of what I had done this past week.
So, I continued. "Uhm, I had a couple of tests in my classes, and from what I could see my students did better than expected, so that is always a sign my lessons are effective."
Brian smiled a little. "I never doubted that, you do seem like the kind of teacher I'd love for my kids to have."
That was an unusual, but therefore very fitting compliment. "Thank you.." I took a deep breath when something else crossed my mind. "I feel like I should warn you though... my colleague saw you dropping me off at work, and... I told her repeatedly that you are a good friend, but she recognised you and now she's convinced that there's something happening between us. I told her there isn't, even before she recognised you, and after, I made her promise to keep it to herself, but I think because I said that I wouldn't introduce her to you she felt like getting back at me for that and started spreading rumours about us..."
"Rumours that we are together?" He asked, seeming slightly confused.
"I guess so. No one has actually said anything to me about it, but I do notice the curious looks and the whispers behind my back..."
"I'm sorry, Frida," he said compassionately, placing his hand on my back. "I'm sorry you have to deal with that because of me."
That surprised me a little. "It's not your fault, it's hers. I told her you're not up for meeting fans at the moment, but maybe in the future. Apparently that wasn't good enough for her and she's not the nice person I thought she was."
"I'm sorry... I'm used to rumours being spread about me, but I'm sorry you're being dragged into this, you deserve better."
I shrugged a little. "I don't mind... I mean, maybe I do, but at the moment I honestly just don't care about that. I just wanted to warn you in case you saw some headlines and thought I had said something to the press."
"I wouldn't have thought that, Frida. Don't worry about that, please." He took my hand in his for a moment as an attempt to reassure me. "I don't read papers anyway, that's just a huge waste of time. Especially the papers which would write such a story. But I do appreciate you telling me that. If you're being bothered by the press, let me know and I'll do something about it, okay?"
I wrapped my fingers around his and smiled a little. It was comforting. "Thank you. I appreciate that. I'm glad you're not upset."
He sighed and shook his head. "Those people aren't worth wasting my time on."
"That's probably a good attitude, yeah. I just thought if I try to actively fight the rumours, they'll think it's true, so I haven't said anything at all."
"That's the best thing to do, yes. Just let them do their thing. If they know they get to you it'll only encourage them. My kids are more mature than they are."
That made me smile a little, it seemed like an accurate comparison. "You can be proud of your kids. They sound pretty awesome."
"They are," he said with a small smile. "You know, Jimmy has been asking about you again.."
I took a deep breath. "We'll arrange something soon, okay?"
"He's been wanting to go to the zoo for weeks now, and ... if I'm entirely honest it would be a big help not to go alone with them all, so... if you wanted to come along, I'm sure that'd be fine. I can tell him that we can only go to the zoo because you're coming along so that'll tip the odds in your favour."
"That actually sounds nice, I haven't been to a zoo in ages. We'll have to do that one of these weekends. Maybe next weekend actually, I should be free then."
"Okay," Brian said with a small smile. "You know, I was starting to get the impression that maybe you didn't want to meet them."
"I told you, I do. But just at the right time, and a trip to the zoo sounds good. I am curious, I like kids, you know that. I just wanted to get to know you a little better too, you know? So that when I tell them that I'm your friend I can truly mean that," I explained, hoping he'd understand.
And he was a smart guy, so he did. "I'm glad you feel that way now."
We continued to eat, while he told me random little stories about his kids because he wanted me to get to know them a little better, which I thought was adorable. He was such a proud father. After dinner, we did the dishes to make sure his house stayed as neat as it was, before we returned to the couch with some wine.
"So..," I began, crossing my legs and getting comfortable on the couch again. "We've talked about me, but what have you been up to this past week?" I asked him, taking a sip of my wine.
"Oh," Brian said softly, looking down. "Not... not very much if I'm honest.. I had the kids, I did a bit of work, I visited my mum..."
The way he listed those things made me a little suspicious if I was honest. I would have expected him to be a lot more happy about having spent time with his kids and his mother. "Did you do anything fun with them?" I asked, trying to figure out what was going on. I couldn't help it, I always worried about him.
Brian shrugged and took a sip of his wine. "Nothing out of the ordinary... I helped --" He sighed heavily, looking down. "I helped Mum with something in the garden..."
Oh that explained it. I reached for his hand in an attempt to comfort him. Gardening was one of the topics that he didn't like to talk about sometimes. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked. You don't have to tell me more if you don't want to," I assured him.
He shook his hand a little, holding my hand. "It's okay. I know you don't mean any harm. It's just... it's hard sometimes, you know?"
"I do know, yeah," I told him quietly. I did know. Very well. Especially currently I understood him very well. "I'm here to give you a hug, if you want one," I offered, not sure how else to comfort him more.
"Please," he said softly, so I moved closer and hugged him tightly. "I promised on the drive I'd hug you, didn't I.. I forgot that, sorry."
"It's okay, you don't have to apologise," I told him, gently rubbing his back. It did help. I loved hugging him, it was so comforting and I really hoped it had the same effect on him. We were both feeling low for very similar reasons, so hopefully we would both be comforted by the same thing. "You know I'm always here to listen to you, right? About anything. I'm here to listen and to cheer you up as much as I can."
"I know, and I appreciate that. It's just... It's not always that easy."
"I can imagine," I told him. "But that's okay, you know? It's not always easy, but that's how life is. If it were easy, it would be boring."
Brian looked at me with an expression I didn't really know what to make of, but I could tell he wasn't happy. "Frida... you have no idea how much I'd choose a boring life over what is currently going on."
The tone in which he said that took my by surprise. I nodded a little. "I know the feeling Brian. Believe me."
"No offence, but I doubt that, Frida," he said quietly. "At least I hope for you that you don't know the feeling."
"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked him, remaining cautious because I didn't want to accidentally upset him even more.
He took a deep breath before he slowly shook his head, but then he shrugged. "I... I wish I could, but I can't. It's- " He sighed. "It's about a friend, someone who-," he paused and inhaled deeply. "I know I have to prepare for losing someone so important to me, but ... I don't know when, or why exactly, but- " Again he paused, keeping his eyes down. "I just know, you know? Something is going on and even though I really hope I'm wrong, I have a strong suspicion it won't end well. And then I think about - about my father and I just don't know if I can go through that again."
I reached for his hand, hoping he was okay with that. Luckily it seemed like he was. I held his hand in both of mine, hoping to show him the support he needed. "I know that you can, because you're a strong man. I know what it feels like, Brian. I know what it feels like when life just punches you over and over again when you're already down. I know what it feels like when you have no hope left and then there's yet another obstacle that life throws in your way. I know what that feels like, but I know that even if you don't believe it, somehow you'll get through it..."
He was holding my hand and I could feel his eyes on me. "You sound like you know what you're talking about..."
I shrugged a little. I did, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to get into that now. "I just think what's happening to you is-" I took a deep breath. I suppose I had to get into that now. "Good is the wrong word for it, but... you know, even if you don't know anything with certainty, you have a chance to prepare. It might sound very morbid, but I think losing someone so entirely unexpected is even worse."
Brian was silent for a moment. "I don't know... I think I would prefer that... if you can call it a preference.."
"I just think... if you can prepare, you can make the most of it, you know? You can get things done, you can make the most of the time there's left. Maybe it is more about spreading out the pain, if that makes sense. It may be painful over a longer time period, but if you can't prepare then all that pain hits you at once and it's like getting your heart ripped out, it physically hurts more than you can handle," I told him with my voice getting quieter, having to reach up and wipe the corners of my eyes.
"That happened to you... didn't it?" He asked quietly, and hesitantly.