wooyoung san
disbelief choked him, the emotional embodiment of thick smoke clogging his throat and blurring his vision.
his apprehension had finally caught up to him, distrust san's long-last companion, come to cling to him once again and whisper in his ear when things grew too comfortable.
wooyoung... drugs. drugs... his father. his father... pain, screams, blood, betrayal, hiding-
san clutched his head, shutting his eyes in a feeble attempt to blot out the haunting memories, not wanting to go back there.
not now.
wooyoung's betrayal left him delicate, and the last thing he needed was a dive into his past to shake him up when he had no one to go to. no one.
he didn't trust wooyoung- not when he was using. using the same stuff that ruined san's life and his mother's, when he knew what had happened. he had to have known.
you can't blame him if he didn't know.
right. he could only blame himself, for everything. for allowing himself to fall for someone who could only hurt him. for trusting someone who could never truly accept him. for almost giving up himself to wooyoung. almost.
and now he had no one.
yeosang wouldn't talk to him. yunho seemed to be avoiding him. he couldn't face felix about this. hyunjin and jeongin- they would only trigger him more.
although it wasn't their fault, san almost wished they hadn't told him the harsh truth of his unconscious type that always ended in his demise. but he would've found out eventually.
better now, before he grew to be inseparable from the boy he thought he trusted. san had to talk to someone.
but who? who could he turn to? he didn't want to be alone. he didn't want to go through this alone again.
but the only person who understood him well enough to understand why this affected him so much would probably just tell him 'i told you so'.
and that was the last thing he needed to hear.
san slid down the wall of the cold corridor, hugging his knees to his chest and laying his head on them, trying to calm his breathing.
he body was racked with shivers, and his lip trembled once more, hating the terrible curse of loneliness and self loathing.
san wanted to go back to wooyoung with every inch of his being, to explain why he needed time, but he also wasn't sure he could face the other without breaking down.
or worse, succumbing to the other's wide broken eyes that pierced his soul and accelerated his heart like no one had managed to before.
that was what he had to avoid at all costs. he couldn't forgive so easily again.
the longing for his friend tugged his consciousness once more, and he wished he understood why yeosang wouldn't face him while he was with wooyoung.
he wished he understood why yunho suddenly didn't want to see him. he wished he could change himself to make it okay for everyone. he wanted to make everyone happy.
that's all he ever wanted. san didn't care if that meant he couldn't be happy. and the one time he allowed himself happiness, he seemed to have lost everything and everyone else.
what did he do wrong?
•••
days past, and still wooyoung didn't show up to school.
san didn't try going back to their dorm room. he tried not to worry. he stayed in hyunjin's dorm, who's roommate (minho) was ditching him for an unnamed friend who may or may not have been rumoured to be han jisung.
just a haunch.
he mostly hung out with hyunjin, pretending to be okay and smiling more then he usually did. fake it till you make it, right?
today, he just sat at his desk in english, head laid on the hard surface, eyes fluttering open and shut, exhausted as he had been for the last few days.
he watched as students filed in, chattering among themselves and paying him no more attention than they usually did.
san's eyes followed each individual, finding himself wondering about them. were they happy? did they listen to the same song he recently enjoyed? did their eyes skim the same articles flared on his phone that he did late at night?
were they faking their smiles, like he was? were they liars like wooyoung and san both found themselves to be? or victims like they both were, too? or were they just neutral, trying to get through every day like every one else?
he could never know. he could only wonder. he wondered if wooyoung was okay, too.
wondered if his boyfriend missed him when he slept alone, half of the bed cold where san had lain only recently.
he doubted it. but he could hope and wonder.
when felix entered and looked straight at san, he averted his eyes, trying to ignore the concerned expression the australian boy wore.
san could only imagine his current appearance, not having slept since leaving wooyoung that day, not bothering with a hairbrush or a mirror.
no doubt sunken features and rings darker than his soul and deeper than his thoughts were his most prominent look, which topped off with little food and an oversized hoodie really made him look like a low budget homeless kid.
he brushed felix off when the boy attempted to speak to him, plugging his earphones in and closing his eyes. san wanted the other to believe he was okay.
if everyone else believed that, maybe he would too.
and he nearly did, except for the little factor of wooyoung sauntering into the classroom looking like a walking corpse and wearing a sickening grin that turned san's stomach.
the boy wordlessly sat himself in the chair furtherest from san's, his smile morphing into sadness as soon as he laid eyes upon the sleep deprived older.
wooyoung stared at him the whole lesson, making him increasingly uncomfortable, especially when the bell sounded the end and he left the room after walking straight past san without a word.
"what's up with you two?" felix dared to question, eyebrows drawn together in puzzlement.
san shrugged, pretending to be clueless. "who knows, 'lix." the nickname slipped without even thinking about it, causing him to wince and turn away, but felix just smiled softly, linking his arm with san's.
"maybe it's time we talked to yeosang. he should apologise for how he's been acting." felix suggested, both surprising and warming san.
he hummed in agreement, eyes flickering uncertainly around them, but there were no hidden cameras or people about to jump out screaming "got you".
felix genuinely seemed ready to forgive him.
when they got to what had once been their usual table, yeosang and yunho halted their eating, staring at the two of them in an astonished way.
"what're you doing here?" yeosang asked after struggling to find his words.
"yeo..." san started, treading carefully but deciding to be honest. "i just really need a friend right now."
unfazed, yeosang stared up at him blankly, waving his fork in the air slightly. "and? why don't you crawl to hwang hyunjin and your new lackeys?"
"someone who understands." san replied forwardly, too fed up and tired to deal with his friend's pointless grudge.
yeosang glanced at yunho, who gave him a hard meaningful glare that obviously held some hidden meaning neither san nor felix understood.
"fine." yeosang breathed out uninterestedly. "it's about time you apologised."
"is the reason you didn't want me to be with wooyoung so badly because he... does drugs?" san rambled, earning more surprise from yeosang who had been expecting something, but not that.
"partially." yeosang nodded slowly, suddenly worried. "you don't deserve to go through that again."
"so why not tell me earlier?" san pressed angrily. his friend and just been looking out for him.
"because- i don't know! i didn't think you were stupid enough to date him!" yeosang exclaimed.
"neither did i." san replied glumly, glancing behind him to where wooyoung's group of friends usually sat.
"so are you guys like... over now?" yeosang picked his words carefully with another secretive glance at yunho who remained silent.
san shook his head and shrugged simultaneously. "i told him i needed time. that was almost a week ago."
disappointment fell on yeosang's previously vacant features, but it was brief.
"weird how no one's seen him since." felix commented, and san bit his lip guiltily.
"maybe i should go talk to him..." san wondered allowed, brimming with anxiety like he had been earlier.
this received mixed reactions, felix nodding slowly while yunho jerked his head up and suddenly and yeosang replied the negative.
"maybe you don't have to." felix started, looking behind them. "he just walked in."
san spun around immediately, and sure enough, wooyoung had strolled in with his hands in his pockets, head down and making his way to his friends on the other side of the cafeteria.
but to get there he had to walk past san, and when he did so, he ignored him completely.
san grabbed his sleeve in confusion, desperate for him not to leave. as soon as wooyoung felt him, he seemed to snap whatever will was holding him back, and he grabbed san's own wrist, turning them around and stalking out the cafeteria.
san yelped in surprise, stumbling after him until they reached an empty corridor. "what are you doing?"
he questioned in panic, wooyoung finally letting him ago and simply staring at him, pupils dilated and breath unsteady.
"avoiding you." he replied emptily. "like you asked me to."
"so why did you take me here?" san asked, not realising he was stepping back from the other until his back hit the wall.
"because i can't fucking live without you. i can't avoid you when you look like that." wooyoung went on, no hint of emotion touching his voice.
"well i told you i need time..." san faltered, unsure of why he felt trapped and scared alone here with wooyoung.
"you need time? well how long can you go without me? because i've reached my limit." wooyoung cocked his head to the side almost robotically, before leaning in without warning.
san tried to tilt his head away, to reject the kiss, but the other managed to connect their lips, furiously attacking them unpleasantly.
he made a sound of protest and tried again to escape, keeping his lips shut tightly, but wooyoung was determined not to let him go and continued kissing him.
when san didn't kiss back or even close his eyes, wooyoung growled in frustration, pinning his body hard into the wall and moving down to his neck, swiping his tongue over the skin and sucking it harshly.
"stop!" san protested, biting back a moan as his eyes rolled back and his body reacted against his own will
wooyoung only pressed him harder, and when he finished, he shoved san back again before stepping away, lips swollen and breathing hard, his eyes squint and confused.
his touched his lips as if shocked he had just done that, and then he ran away, leaving san alone against the wall, out of breath and near tears.
that wasn't the wooyoung he knew. there was no way wooyoung would do that.
what had san done?
-
i would be lying if i said i was happy with how last chapter turned out but oh well
new cover :p
the reason for new cover is just because 1. i didn't like the old one any more and 2. i drafted a new woosan book and i thought it would be cool if all my books had a theme
the song is just what i was listening to when writing this :)
xxx