"All we do is play it safe
All we do is live inside a cage
All we do is play it safe
All we do, all we do
I've been upside down
I don't wanna be the right way round
Can't find paradise on the ground"
***
"Shit Peaches, please don't cry" Jimmy hushes, keeping me held to him before turning his head back over his shoulder and hollering.
"Steve quick! Peaches is here! She's upset! Code red!"
I just can't stop sobbing, it's violent. It's tearing up out of me and shaking my whole body. I can barely breathe.
Jimmy hasn't let go of me, his tall lanky frame has me held tight while my head is buried against his chest; and he keeps rubbing soothing circles on my back.
I hear heavy footsteps bounding towards the door, like an elephant stomping as fast as it can until I hear Steve's voice from behind Jimmy "I'm here! I'm here!"
"Oh sweety no, what's happened? What do you need? Who do we need to kill?"
Not the best time for that joke Steve.
... If he was even joking.
I don't even know how to say it. How do I say it out loud?
"He... He- said that he- he told me about his baseme-" I can't even talk, everytime I try to my throat just chokes me.
I hear Jimmy let out a heavy sigh, and he pulls me back a bit to push my hair away from my face with a sad knowing expression "He told you about the tapes didn't he...?"
I can tell by the tone in his voice he knows exactly what Harry would have told me to have me like this, and turning up at his house.
I try to control myself, gasping as I give him a slow nod before my chin starts trembling again and I burst out into another pained cry.
"Ah fuck" Jimmy sighs, pulling me back against his chest into another tight hug and he starts to grumble "Couldn't have given her at least 48 hours to get over nearly fuckin dying and him trying to leave her - perfect fuckin timing Harry you dickhead"
"Oh you poor thing - I'm so sorry honey" Steve says with a sad sigh similar to Jimmys.
Neither of them sound surprised, which I didn't expect - I was the one that had no idea about any of this, they knew all along.
I'm not upset with them, I can't tell you why - I knew that they were keeping that secret for Harry and he's the one I needed to hear it from.
They weren't doing it to hurt me.
Knowing Jimmy and his word vomiting I'm surprised he didn't actually blurt it out at some point.
I'm trying as hard as I can to stop my crying, or at least tone it down so I can try to talk but it's just pouring out of me. I tried to hold it together but I don't know how to when it feels like everything just fell apart.
I just can't get a single thought straight. I want to be clear headed, I want to be able to process all of this and know what to do.
I don't know what the answer is. I don't know the right thing to do.
I don't hate Harry, I still don't even think he's a bad person and that's so fucking conflicting. I understand him and that makes it so much harder.
It's making me question everything. Every single thing about myself, it's making me question my morals and wrong from right, it's blurring everything and getting consumed in this grey area I don't know how to be in.
How do you come to terms with the things he told me?
If it were black and white, just written on paper with no context, it sounds so straight forward.
He's technically a serial killer - or is he? I can't say I know sweet fuck all about that but I know he isn't doing what he's doing for pleasure - he's doing it so he suffers. He isn't emotionless, in fact he feels things so fiercely - including empathy, it's more of a case he doesn't know who to trust with that empathy.
But this isn't black and white... The context, circumstances and intentions make this so fucking complicated.
In his own fucked up way he's trying to do something he thinks is right, trying to protect people that can't protect themselves and punishing himself for doing it at the same time.
He's a murderer but I wouldn't call him a monster... Obviously him being a murderer was something I was apparently comfortable sitting with in my soul at the thought of because I had already assumed he'd killed people, I just hadn't heard it out right.
So what does that make me then? Does it make me just as bad? That I accepted that about him?
I don't see him the same way he's sees himself. He thinks he's evil, but I've seen evil on that tape and in person... And that's not him.
I never ever thought the phrase -
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"
Would ever become so fucking literal in my life.
I know that most people would think intent isn't good enough in a situation like this, what he did was illegal, immoral and fucking horrific.
But if intent shouldn't be considered... Why is it so crucial in the law? Surely his intentions matter.
I'm so torn, I don't want to condone it, justify or excuse it - and I don't know if still loving him and staying with him means that's exactly what I'm doing...
Can you still love someone, but not love what they've done and hold them accountable for it? If they've done something wrong?
What do I do, if what's wrong in my world is right in his? My reality isn't universal, the world doesn't revolve around me so I can't expect every other person to hold the same beliefs I do.
It's not just him either, it's Steve and Jimmy too and I adore both of them. They're family to me.
Harry may have murdered people, but they have too so... Why the fuck am I not terrified of that? Mortified by it?
I'm literally hugging Jimmy right now. He's a murderer and he's cuddling me, hushing me like an old clucky grandmother.
Murderers are meant to be these almost non-human demons, that you hear about in stories or see on the news. They're put across as inhuman and void of a soul.
But... I've seen more humanity in these three men than anyone else I've met.
How does that make any fucking sense?
All of these things are torturing my brain, and I've never been faced with something that's made me question everything I thought I knew.
I know violence is never the answer - but what if it's the symptom?
Does he still deserve help? My help? Is he beyond that? Do his actions negate his right to still be loved and given the chance to get better?
It would be a lot more simple if he didn't want to do better, if he didn't want to progress and grow past who he's been.
But he does want that, he's come so far with so many things and a lot of it he's done of his own accord with his own choices.
You can't change another person, only they can change themselves, granted they usually need support surrounding them for it, and I've watched so much change in him these past few months.
He's also made those changes in spite of himself, he's done all those things with that voice in his head telling him that he can't, that he wasn't capable and did it any way.
Do I just walk away from all of that?
Should I not consider the fact I love him in with his actions and what I do about it? Should I look at it as if he were a stranger and how I would feel about it? But then how does that make sense?
If we don't factor our feelings into our choices then we're all fucked, because then nothing we ever do would be redeemable to anyone else because everyone that cared about us would simply treat us like strangers.
You have larger limits for the people you love, it's how love works.
But then you have to make sure you have boundaries.
Love should not be infinitely unconditional... - what would have happened if my love for someone like Andy was unconditional?
What are the boundaries of still loving Harry but staying true to myself? Because it isn't just all about him, and I need to decide what I can live with.
I don't know if staying with him makes me awful, or leaving him makes me awful.
My head fucking hurts, but not as much as my heart.
I don't know how long I stood there with Jimmy, it would had have been at least ten minutes before I was able to calm down to sniffling, my eyes still welling with tears but at least I wasn't wailing like a damn banshee out the front of his house.
Okay - well maybe that was a dramatic description, but it's how I felt at the time.
"Is Harry at home?" Jimmy asks, keeping his hold on me that I still haven't moved away from.
"Yeah... He is, he's asleep. He doesn't know I've left yet... I left him a note" my voice sounds so rough from how raw my throat feels, and it feels like I'm starting to get a headache from the pressure in my head.
I can't help the guilt that's eating at me over that, I knew I needed to go and sort my head out but I just never want to hurt him, hurting him will never feel anything but gut wrenching to me.
"Fuck he's gonna love that when he wakes up - Steve can you head over there? Keep an eye on him. We all know he's prone to doing stupid shit" the worry in Jimmys voice is also making my heart hurt, because the worry sounds directed at both Harry and I.
There's an instant relief that washes over me though at the thought of Steve going there, just so Harry won't be alone.
I finally pull away from Jimmy, and rub my hands over my face; wiping at my eyes that feel swollen and absolutely exhausted from tears that I didn't think were going to stop.
I feel like maybe I needed that though, that explosion of grief to almost calibrate myself so I could just settle the fuck down and think straight. Keeping it inside and buried since Harry told me was only making it harder to focus on anything at all.
"Yeah of course, I just finished icing those cupcakes so I'll take those over for him - can't be sad when you've got some sugar" Steve agrees, giving me a look that shows how empathetic he feels about the whole situation.
I finally get a good look at Steve who is standing next to Jimmy, but still just behind him and even thought it's not the moment my lips still crack into a smile.
He's stood there with a pastel yellow apron on with frills around the edges, that has large writing plastered on it that says 'Bake like a bad bitch'; with a dish towel thrown over his shoulder.
He notices my expression and looks to his apron, then to Jimmy with an accusing expression "He brought it for me as an anniversary present last year - don't ask"
I hold my hands up in surrender, pursing my lips to try and get rid of my smile and I must look like a lunatic with how fucked my face would look from crying, but I can't help smiling around these two.
Jimmy gets a smug look on his face, pointing to the apron "Yellow really is his colour don't you reckon?"
Steve just gets more annoyed, huffing and folding his large muscled arms over his large chest.
Jimmy looks back to me, reaching his hand out to swipe his thumb over my cheek where there was some moisture still and gives me a sympathetic smile "Why don't we go for a drive yeah peaches? You can tell me all about what happened - have the perfect place for take you"
I give him a small agreeing nod, swallowing down the tightening in my throat when the small moment of Steves apron is pushed away and my mind is flooded with my morning with Harry.
"Where's Ludo?" I ask, feeling bad that they've had him for the last two days but I also know that both of them would be relishing it, but I also just miss him terribly.
They spoil that bloody dog rotten.
Jimmy motions his head to the house next-door "He's on a date - really getting somewhere with that poodle I think it's gettin' serious. He'll be fine there till we get back."
I shake my head at Jimmy, raising my brows at him and knowing how much that would annoy Harry, simply because Harry specifically told him not to do that.
Jimmy raises his brows back at me, giving me a defiant look "Hey. I'm the cool uncle, and the cool uncle gets you bitches"
You know, Jimmy is making it really hard to be sad right now.
To be honest, it's helping - I needed something to take away some of the anguish and he's doing a great job of that.
"How about Ludo stays here for another day or two? Just till, you know - things calm down a bit. Dogs sense it you know, when things aren't right. Don't wanna upset him" Jimmy adds and then I'm straight back to feeling my heart splinter.
"Yeah... I think that's a good idea. Until I figure everything out..." I agree darting my eyes to the ground.
Christ it's like I'm on this screwed up merry go round of smiling to feeling my heart break repeatedly around this bloody man.
Just thinking of how confused Ludo would be... If I left, how much it would hurt me to leave him as well.
I can't take him away from Harry, that dog has become like his security blanket - he's okay without him for a few days max and then he's breaking his neck to see him.
Fuck this just keeps hurting worse and worse.
I know people say its just a dog, but that's not what Ludo is to us.
I feel like I'd be walking away from my family.
It may be dysfunctional, and it may be fucking nuts half the time but this little family we've made over these few months have become more irreplaceable to me than the relatives that I barely ever saw that were meant to be what I called family.
Let's not even start on my mother.
I can just picture how ecstatic she would be over this, she wouldn't even care what Harry had done she would just care that she was right.
Not to mention how much David would fucking love it.
I would never stay with someone just to spite other people, I wouldn't use Harry like that but knowing David and my mother would celebrate my world falling to pieces just adds salt to the damn wound.
"Can Steve borrow your car peaches? we can take mine and I'll drop you home - or wherever you wanna go. His car is getting serviced" Jimmy asks while Steve turns to go inside saying 'I'll be back in a minute'.
"Yeah that's fine" I say with a nod, fishing my car keys out of my pocket and handing them to him.
Jimmy ducks inside for a second, saying he's just grabbing his car keys and I wait patiently until both Steve and Jimmy come back out the front door and Jimmy pulls it shut behind him.
Steve is now sans a yellow apron and holding a clear Tupperware container filled with - honestly fucking incredible looking cupcakes.
We start walking down the path to the cars in silence, and I don't know why I decide to say what I do to break it - but I just wanted to tell someone.
"I finally told him I was in love with him..." I say while I watch my feet walk along the cement, replaying over in my head the look on his face when I screamed it at him and then every time I said it after that and how in awe and happy he looked.
Jimmy and Steve stop dead, Jimmy grasping my arm to halt me as I hear Steve gasp and when I look to Jimmy his brows are shot up "No shit really? What did he do?"
"Uh... Well long story short he said it back" I admit, looking to the ground again.
Jimmys expression remains the same, until his brows drop "Look...peaches, I know that this is a really hard time for you at the moment... And this is the last thing I should be doing - but I have to okay?"
I give him a confused look but Jimmy just spins on his heel to face Steve and points a triumphant finger in his face and shouting "In your face hoe! I win! You owe me a hundred dollars!"
Steve doesn't flinch, his face just drops into a bored expression as he rolls his eyes and reaches into his pocket to pull out his wallet; opening it to retrieve two fifty dollar bills and places them in Jimmys hand that's outstretched expectantly.
Steve glances to me and notices the stunned puzzled look on my face and keeps a flat expression looking like he wants to roll his eyes again "We had a bet over who would say I love you first out of the two of you"
I want to say I'm surprised, but with these two... I'm just not.
Jimmy turns back to me with a giant satisfied grin and slings a proud arm over my shoulder while his shoves the money into his pants pocket "That's right, and I had my bets on you the whole time peaches. Always knew my lil peach had it in her"
I don't know if I should be offended over them making bets about our relationship? But honestly it doesn't bother me, again they're managing to make me smile at time that I don't think anyone else could.
"Well I had faith in Harry, still do" Steve says, and I don't miss the fact he isn't just referring to the bet between he and Jimmy.
Jimmy starts walking us to his car while Steve makes his way to mine and Jimmy scoffs "I have lots of faith in Harry - just not when it comes to admitting his feelings because he's a little bitch"
Steve just sighs, shaking his head as he opens the door to my car and tells Jimmy he will message him when he's with Harry, and gives me a small sad smile waving goodbye before climbing into the car and driving off.
Jimmy opens the passenger door for me, stroking his hand over the back of my hair in a soothing action and smiles at me "C'mon peaches, let's go get some Happy Meals and have a chat"
Sounds ridiculous, but that sounds like the best thing in the world right now.
Jimmy drove us to McDonalds, and for some reason brought three Happy Meals, which I didn't understand and when I asked why he just said 'you'll see when we get there'
I had the urge to say 'Yes Harry' sarcastically but I wasn't sure if Jimmy would get the joke.
The thing that puzzled me more than three Happy Meals though was when we pulled up and parked in front of a cemetery.
Now, I don't know about you - but walking into a cemetery alone with a murderer is a scenario that should have me on edge.
But it didn't, it's Jimmy. I'm hard pressed to ever think of myself being scared of him.
"Why are we at a cemetery?" I ask giving Jimmy a strange look after we exit the car and walk through the big open cast iron gates and make our way past the first row of graves.
He glances at me, keeping hold on two of the Happy Meals while I hold my own "Wanted you to meet someone"
That's not what you wanna hear at a cemetery.
We continue to walk as I just follow him, trying not to get too ahead of myself with assumptions until we finally come to a stop in front of a grave that I don't get a chance to look at properly before Jimmy speaks up.
"Mum - this is Abby, but I call'er peaches. Peaches - This is mum" he says gesturing between the grave and I with a warm expression.
My eyes widen as I look at the grave, and he's about to strangle my fuckin heart but I still have no clue why we're here.
I watch as Jimmy squats down and shuffles to sit down on the grass next to the head stone, and sits one of his Happy Meals in front of it.
"Here ya go old girl. Extra sauce for the nuggets just like you always got" he says patting his hand against the grass on the grave and then looks up to me.
"She always brought me a Happy Meal whenever I was upset as a kid to cheer me up, it was our thing. I come here and bring her one when I'm sad and need someone to talk to - you're sad, you need someone to talk to and she's a great listener" he explains and I am about to burst into fucking tears.
I can't take much more of this.
I bite down hard on my lip to stop from crying at how heart breaking and sweet this gesture from Jimmy is and he motions at me to come sit down next to him.
There's that childlike quality in Jimmy that I notice so much in Harry, and I don't know how there's so much genuine innocence inside people that have done the things they've all done.
Delicate and violent I think to myself, not knowing how much what I said at the aquarium would come back to bite me in the ass.
I still firmly believe what I said that day as well, and it's only making things harder.
I follow what Jimmy says, giving the grave a small wave and polite hello before I sit down next to him.
We sit there in silence for a few moments while Jimmy opens his Happy Meal and starts to munch on his fries and I stare around at all the different headstones that seem to go on forever.
This place is huge.
I never realised how peaceful cemeteries could be.
"Alright peaches, talk to Jimmy. Go from the start and tell me what happened" he says with a mouth full of fries and slings his arm over my shoulder to pull me closer to him.
I take a deep breath, and try to focus my thoughts so I can actually get this out coherently.
I'm dreading having to say it out loud, not for the fact that Jimmy would hear it but more so because that almost cements everything in place for me.
But here goes nothing I guess.
***
I'm mcfuckin sad.
***
Also, I know I've been making everyone sad with these last few chapters.
So here's a surprise that I'll be working on once I've finished Stall.
****
Jimmy's gonna be getting his own short story.
I'll be working on it in between my other stories slowly, but we will get to see how Steve and Jimmy met.
Appreciate the shit out of you x