"Can you do it, or do you need me to?"
"I can do it."
My hands shook as I began to undo the large buttons on the front of my dress. We were in the bathroom, the tub behind me filling with warm water. Every time I moved my hands, the blood on them cracked, tightening on my face as it dried. I had been almost directly behind Sokol when the bullet was fired, and the spray of his blood landed almost solely on me. If I had been standing, there was a good chance the bullet would have struck me, too.
I'd never seen someone killed before, let alone so sharply and without remorse. It was an execution. No doubt Sokol deserved it— but the image of the bullet leaving the back of his head was not one I would soon forget.
The final button on the dress was undone, and I let it fall off my shoulders in a puddle of ruined linen. Lex reached behind me to shut the water off. The bathroom went perilously silent. I made no move to undress further. Lex watched me for a long moment, eyes roving over my face.
Once we had gotten inside the cabin, the terror had subsided, and I stopped screaming at the slightest touch. Instead, the sight of the blood on my hands, the feeling of it arm in my hair, sent me reeling back inside myself. I retreated to the safe place in my head, the one that had kept me strong for so long. I went numb, unable even to cry. All I could do was stare the cold marble under my feet, and let my survival instinct take over.
Lex sighed. "I'll be just outside the door." He said. "Don't lock it."
The water turned pink when I climbed in. The steam rising from collected on my lashes, made little pools of condensation on my shoulders and back. I pulled my knees to my chest, dropped my head to rest on them. The tape holding the bandages down came loose and slid down my shin. The cut wasn't deep, or even painful any more— but it was that cut that had gotten Sokol killed. If I hadn't dropped that glass, if I hadn't been so clumsy, Lex would never have questioned him.
I was still drugged, still woozy and weak. I couldn't make myself move, to wash the blood off me or even to turn the taps on as the water turned cold around me.
"Ruth." Lex's voice, a hand on my back. I hadn't heard the door open. "Sweetheart. You're going to get hypothermia if you stay in here."
I shook my head against my knees. "I can't do it." I whispered. The water echoed my voice back around me.
"Give me your hand, then."
Without looking up, I offered my left hand. Damp terry cloth rubbed across the back, and then the palm, water trickling through my fingers. When I drew it back, it was clean.
"Look at me." Lex said softly.
I looked up. Worry was scrawled across his face. His sleeves were rolled up, hair wild from running his hands through it. Wordlessly, he dipped the cloth in the bath, and carefully wiped under my eyes, along my forehead, down my cheeks. The cloth came away stained, but my face was clean.
"I'm going to rinse your hair." Lex had a cup in hand. "Close your eyes."
The pour of water over my scalp helped ease the solid cold in my chest. The numbness was going away. There was still no fight in me; the scopolamine ensured that. Lex ran the cloth along my hairline, over the tiny hairs by my ears. The water began to drain away, and the chill took hold of me. I shivered violently, my teeth clacking against each other.
Lex draped a towel over my back. "There are clean pyjamas on the counter. Do you need help getting dressed?"
I clutched the towel at my neck, aware now how vulnerable I was. "No." I croaked, hoarse. Whatever else happened, I would retain this much of my autonomy.
Lex nodded and retreated, closing the door behind him. I was alone in the bathroom. My fingers were wrinkled from so much time in the water, but they were clean. It was a relief, and a tiny, tiny bit of the fear released from my chest. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs.
You're okay. I told myself. It's over. You're okay.
Even with pyjamas on, I was cold. The watery pink silk did nothing to warm me. Shivers crept up and down my spine as I opened the bathroom door. Lex was sitting on the bed. He watched me intently as I came to him, stood in front of him.
"Your lips are turning blue. I should never have left you alone in there."
"I'm okay." I repeated to him.
"I have something for you." He said. "It will help."
He handed me a soft pile of cloth— my favourite blue cardigan, the one with the brown strip around the arm, the one I wore every night back home. I held it to my face and began to cry. The pressure valve had been turned.
"I know, baby. I know." Lex gathered me into his arms, rocking back and forth. I breathed in the familiar smell of smoke and vanilla, trying to keep my sobs from utterly tearing up my throat.
"You killed him."
Lex pulled back, hands on my upper arms. "Sweetheart, I had to. He drugged you."
I sniffled and shook my head. "No, he didn't. You did."
"Ruth-"
I cut him off. "You're the one who made me take those pills."
"Do you really think I would have made you if I had known what was in them? I was doing what I thought was best for you. I can't— if something else were to happen to you that I could have stopped, I'm not sure I would ever be able to live with myself again."
I bit the inside of my cheek, hoping the pain would keep me focussed. "Okay," I said. It was all I could say, really. The idea of fighting was making my mind go blank.
"Okay?" Lex raised an eyebrow.
"You told me before, not to fight." I was still so sluggish. "I'm not fighting."
"He is going to rot in hell," Lex growled under his breath. "You can fight me, Ruth. Fight me with everything in you, if you need to."
"I could never fight you that hard." I yawned. "I'm too sleepy to fight, anyway."
"Come lay down, then." Lex wrapped his arms around me and lay back, so I fell forward onto his chest. I laughed as I went down, giggling as I rested my hands under my chin and looked up at him. His heartbeat was strong under me, our breaths syncing.
We lay in silence for a long time. I was lost in my own world, remembering our first months together, how quickly I had fallen in love. It was not a peaceful love; it was a hurricane. We destroyed everything and anything that came between us, leaving a wake of literal burning buildings and corpses in our wake.
Is it love if you don't suffer for it?
"It's my fault," Lex said, finally. "That you got involved. I should never have exposed you to that side of my life."
I rolled to face him. "I've been involved since day one," I told him. From the second he had rescued me, he had brought me into a shady world of underhanded dealings and crime. I had been kidnapped for it, thrown down a flight of stairs by an explosion, nearly killed in a car accident. "But it's different when you see it happen."
"Will you be alright?" He asked me.
"When haven't I been?"
A motor kicked to life outside. They're taking the body. I realized. Probably to dump it in the ocean for the sharks. Maybe to bury on shore. I didn't care, as long as it was gone.
"I need to learn how to shoot," I said. "You have to teach me."
"Absolutely not." Lex sat up, pulling me to sit next to him. My hair left a damp spot on his chest, the white of his shirt transparent. Through it, I could see a black line. Without a second of hesitation, I pulled his shirt aside, undoing the buttons.
Below it, there was a tattoo, a compass rose. Where the north should have been was my name, written in my own handwriting, no doubt from the little drawings and notes I used to leave around his office. The tattoo was fully healed and vibrant on his sternum.
My mouth dropped open. I could not string together a sentence. "I— When? Why?"
"In Italy," Lex said.
I traced over it, the dainty lines of the compass perfectly symmetrical. "Why my name?"
"Because I would be lost without you." He said it so simply, as though it was the most natural thing in the world. "I was lost without you."
His skin was warm, the ink so clear it seemed to float. I couldn't believe it, couldn't fathom him allowing anyone to see his chest. The scar ran mere inches above my name. I didn't dare touch it. To me, the tattoo was a visible, visceral reminder of just how much we needed each other, how adrift we both were when we weren't near each other.
"I need to learn how to shoot," I said again. "I need to be able to protect myself, and you, if it comes to it."
Lex thought for a moment, his eyes glazing. "Alright." He said finally. "Small guns only. I'll get one of the guards to teach you to fight, defend yourself, too."
"Yes!" I exclaimed, and flung myself at him, sending us both falling back onto the bed.
"Or maybe not." Lex teased from underneath me. "You're already knocking me down."
The clean brine smell of the ocean blew in through the open window. As it tangled my hair over my shoulder, I leaned down and kissed Lex. He smiled into it, one hand pulling me closer.
It was the happiest I had allowed myself to be since I arrived. My heart swelled, pure sunlight pouring into my veins.
"You are going to be lethal, my love." Lex murmured to me. "I can't wait to see it."
A/N: first of all thank you for 1k reads already!!!! very very very grateful, these little stories have grown more than i ever believed.
also my babey ruthie is growing bolder and i for one love it
ivy