"Reagan?" a familiar voice croaked on the other line. He always sounded like he was from farther south than West Virginia, but that accent must have been the one trait I didn't inherit from him. Or, at least, I didn't think I did. Other people told me I sounded southern all the time.
My eyes swelled with tears, but I wiped them away before they could sneak out.
"Yep, it's me. How are you, Dad?" I asked.
"Is—is everything alright?" he said.
I nodded, even though he couldn't see that through the phone. "Yes, yes. Of course. I'm fine. I'm great. I just have a tiny problem that's really not even a big deal, but I've gotten four hours of sleep in the last three days, so it kind of feels like it's ten thousand times worse than it actually is, but I'll get over it. Thank you so much for listening—"
"Slow down. What's the problem?" he asked.
"I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry that the first time I've called you in years is about a stupid boy."
I didn't cry for Logan, but for my own stupidity and selfishness. I wasn't afraid to dive into my new passion some four years prior, but I was afraid of what everyone would think about my choice. People just didn't leave Oldham, West Virginia.
"I think we should catch up first. What exactly are you up to these days?" he asked.
I wiped my nose. Right. There was no reason to cry. I had an entire ocean of life there to comfort me.
"Well, right now I'm on an island in the middle of the Atlantic, so that's pretty cool, I guess," I replied.
"You're still pursuing that marine biology thing of yours?"
"Yeah."
"And when you're done with that, you'll come right back where you belong, right?"
Although I didn't mean it, I nodded anyway. "Mhm."
"There ain't any oceans here, Reagan. If you're going to put that much heart into whale science, you might as well do it for the rest of your life."
I smiled. At least he remembered what exactly I wanted to do with my life. "I know. If I could stay right here for the rest of my life, I would. The only problem is that it's a little lonely out here right now." I hesitated. "And I miss the feeling of relaxing in the grass. And I miss not having birds scream at me every five seconds."
For a world so filled with life, from the microscopic critters to the terrifying predators of the Earth, from the producers to the decomposers, together with seven billion people, how could it feel so empty? I occupied a lonely niche, but every once in a while, someone found their way to me for a brief connection.
I thought back to the most pivotal moment of my life. It was a big deal for me to get the opportunity to go to the ocean for a visit to a college that wanted me, not for my brain, but for basketball.
But my heart wasn't in the game. It was in the whale's song.
Just a few miles from the sandy coast, Summerville University was filled to the brim with students looking for a winterless paradise for a few years. But while it offered an array of opportunities, it didn't feel like the place for me. I preferred West Virginia, and the evening before we returned home, I told my dad my thoughts. The campus was dull, and it smelled like salt. But, of course, that was before I snuck away for a while to see the ocean at sunset for once in my life.
It didn't end up being just that one time.
Afterward, I locked myself in my room, studying articles, photos, and whatever else Google had to offer, which still wasn't enough. There was no thrill like a new passion, and when I did my research on colleges with marine biology programs, the Atlantic Coastal College rose to the top of my list in a hurry. It was a lovely campus, and there was plenty of "affordable" housing all around. It was the perfect combination for a small-town girl like me.
"But is it worth it?" Dad asked me suddenly, and I realized I hadn't actually said anything in a moment. Life began in the ocean many, many years ago, and I wasn't an exception. I was a four-year-old in nature's eyes, who carried curiosity and kindness everywhere I went like a favorite toy.
I didn't even have to think about my response. "Yeah."
It seemed a little ridiculous that such a simple conversation could be that brief connection I wanted, but suddenly, everything felt just a little more peaceful in my mind. It only took a moment, and the world was refreshed back to the version that made me feel like I could do anything.
"I just hope I haven't disappointed you too much," I added and looked out at the seals.
He didn't speak for a moment, then chose his words carefully. "I just wish you would have come home or called at least once."
I had already disappointed him by leaving, and I didn't want to go back until I could finally make him proud of me and what I had made of myself. Maybe I was thinking about it all wrong.
***
"Coffee's made for you," Jia said as soon as I opened up the door to the house. She sat in the living room, still curled up in a ball.
"Thank you so much. I really need it," I said and poured myself a cup. I took a sip, but something was off. I didn't die immediately from the caffeine like I thought I would. "Is this decaf?"
Jia hesitated, then bit her lip. "No."
She was lying, but I let it go. She was at least kind enough to take my well-being and happiness into consideration even with her mystery ailment.
"Can I talk to you for a second?" she asked me, and while there were a few topics I could only hope she wouldn't mention, I nodded.
I grabbed my decaffeinated disappointment and sat down on the couch next to her.
"Can I come with you on your next whale trip?" she asked.
I smiled. "Of course. I'd love to work with you."
As long as it didn't turn out like last time when she left me for that stupid boyfriend of hers, I couldn't imagine anything better than her, Nastasya, Robbie, and me all together on the open ocean searching for whales.
"Except we just have to take a quick stop in Bar Harbor, so I can, uh, handle a few things," Jia said.
I let out a sigh. "I love you, but you can't just use whale trips as opportunities to see that guy you like. Isn't he from Wisconsin anyway?"
"Minnesota, and it's not about him. I'm just slightly sicker than I'm letting everyone else think. There was blood in my piss. Blood, Reagan."
"Oh," I said, and my heart sunk into my stomach. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have assumed—"
"Don't worry about it. I pretty much deserved that." She exhaled loudly. "It's just that I didn't want to go to the doctor unless I knew something was wrong. Well, there is."
"It's probably just a UTI, and you'll get some antibiotics for it," I said.
"Web MD seems to think otherwise. Apparently, I have acute kidney failure and seasonal affective disorder."
"Seasonal affective disorder? But it's summer."
"Depression can strike anyone at any time," Jia replied. "But yeah, that diagnosis is total bullshit." She uncurled herself for a moment. "I'm thriving."
And even though she smiled, I didn't miss the "fuck" she muttered under her breath.
"Don't worry, Jia. Everything will be fine, I'm sure. Just hang in there for a few more days," I said.
"A few more days? Yeah, piece of cake."
I hesitated. "I don't actually think you can wait that long. If you want, I'll help you sneak out of here tonight, so you can get checked out, and no one will even notice that you're gone."
"We're in the middle of the ocean, honey," Jia said.
It was surprisingly easy to forget about that minor detail.
"Then I'll talk to Toby and call Robbie. I'm sure he won't mind bringing the Millennium Osprey out here, especially since you're in so much pain," I said.
"Thank you so much, but please don't make me sound like a little bitch to either one of them, okay?" She flashed me a smile.
"Don't worry. I'd have to do some serious lying to convince anyone that you're not tough." I stood up, and although I wasn't quite sure where Toby was (he was very good at staying out of our hair and managing the island from an emotional distance), I had to find him for Jia's sake.
Sometimes he listened to Carter talk about his planktons and diatoms, so I headed into the microscope room.
There weren't any windows in there, so it was usually pretty dark unless someone had turned on a lantern, but surely enough, there was a light on, and Logan sat in there with Toby.
Of course.
"Sorry, but I really need to talk to Toby right now," I said. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything important."
Logan stood up. "This is a little important, but you go ahead and just forget about the fact that I—"
"Jia has blood in her urine," I interrupted.
Logan and Toby stared back at me.
"That sounds an awful lot like menstruation," Logan finally said.
"Then you have an awful understanding of what exactly menstruation is," I replied.
If he was trying to irritate me, he did a good job, but if he wasn't, I had some serious concerns.
"Is she okay?" Toby asked.
I shook my head. "Not really, but she's acting like it."
"I—I'll let you two sort this out then," Logan said, then slunk out the door before I could say anything else.
I watched him shut the door behind him, then
"There were better ways to approach your problem with him, you know," Toby said.
I rose my eyebrows and crossed my arms. "I don't care about that. Jia's more important right now. I'm afraid that if she doesn't get treatment soon, it'll only get worse."
Why wasn't her health the priority over my poor social skills and Logan's ego?
"I know. We'll get that handled. I'll call Robbie to bring the boat down, and we'll get her some medical attention," Toby said. "But we need to address—"
I shook my head. "No, we don't."
I would deal with my fight with Logan on my own terms when we were both ready. No one else needed to get involved, especially Darrell, and I didn't even need it on my mind at the moment.
Maybe it was that kind of thinking that kept me from talking to my dad for years, but that seemed to work out in the end.
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Hello everyone! I have consumed half of my body weight in coffee in the last twenty-four hours, and I am thriving! I have ten thousand things I want to get done this summer, and I'm super tempted to get serious about my next book, like, now. I also seriously need to start rewriting The Exchange, because it's been about two years since I started that book, and I feel like I've really improved my writing over that time. And I also need to finish this book. When will that be? I don't know!
So Reagan finally put her pride aside for a second, and it seems like she'll be welcomed back into a small part of her old life. Be completely honest with me on this question. Given Reagan's people-pleasing personality, does her rationale for cutting her family out of her life make sense?