••Your pain,
Your tears,
Your sorrows,
Ill take them away,
If you just let me••
I let my head fall back on the pillow, my cheeks hurting from smiling so much and I still couldn't stop smiling.
Thank you Lord, for answering my prayers.
A hand reached up to scratch my head and I remembered I actually had things to do. Sighing, I got out of bed, slipped my phone into my pocket and looked around for my slippers. Just as I found the second leg under a chair, the door opened and my two bubbly and overly excited friends came in.
"Were you leaving?" Faith asked as she locked the door behind her and then walked in to plop on the bed beside Ada.
"Yeah, I need to loosen my hair and then wash it and then think of something to do with it," I sighed, wondering what the hell I was going to do with my bulky hair. I had really long and full hair, just like my mom's and it could get really hard to maintain sometimes. The only advantage I had was that it was relaxed. It used to be natural though, but after endless headaches and too frequent bad hair day's, I decided to relax it.
"I know how to make hair o, I can help you with something." Ada chimed in, laying on her stomach as she put her feet up and her head turned towards me.
"Seriously! Thank you o! Let me go and wash it first then," I said, relieved that Ada could help with it.
"No, I'll help you loosen and wash it and then Ada would perform the wonders she wants to perform on it," Faith grinned and I laughed a bit, thanking her as she got up the bed, put on her slippers and followed me out of the room.
"Ehn ehn! So you people want to leave only me here abi? E no fit work o!" Ada yelled and ran after us, all three of us racing each other towards my dorm in giggles.
That's what its like to have actual friends. Not friends who know your weaknesses and use them to turn against you--Mary. I found myself wondering how she was doing and if she was truly happy being in Stephanie's clique. But then, that wasn't my business anymore; she made that clear when she chose them over me.
Stephanie wasn't in when we got to my dorm room and for that, I was thankful. While both Faith and Ada helped me loosen my hair, I got hungry because I'd skipped breakfast earlier and my amazing friend still went ahead to get me some snacks in the cafeteria--Faith is just too sweet.
"You know, you never told us what was actually wrong that time..." Ada asked after we all quieted down from a laughing fit over some abhorrent dresses Faith found on Jumia. Who even shops for dresses on sites like that! But their home appliances were the best though.
"What time?" I asked, an aftermath of the laughter still evident on my face as a smile.
"When you had that...um...I don't know what to call it, but you were suddenly sick and hysteric..." She trailed again as if unsure whether she should be bringing the topic up. The smile on my face vanished immediately, a solemn look taking over with a small sigh as I remembered what she was talking about.
"I mean, its okay if you're still not ready to talk about it...I've just been thinking about it and I'm worried..." I clearly heard the worry in her voice and I sighed again, noticing Faith had stopped loosening my hair and we were now enclosed by a heavy silence that could either be lifted or worsened, depending on my choice of words.
"No, I want to talk about it." My voice was firmer than I thought it would and I sighed again, clearing my throat afterwards. "I have an epileptic condition and a borderline personality disorder." I said and waited, watching Ada's expression turn sour, a hint of realization shining through. Faith just looked shocked, like she couldn't believe me and then I pressed on.
"Its a long story, but...I was diagnosed with a Borderline PD when I was thirteen. I don't know why or how but the doctor only explained to my parents and they never told me anything and I've been epileptic since I was a kid." I stopped and took a deep breath, wondering whether I should go on or just stop there. But then I thought, what the hell! These people have proven to be more like family than just friends to me. I could tell them literally anything, and so I did.
"You know who my dad is, I mean was...both him and my mom. Always out there making money and putting up a happy front when it was never really like that--they were never around...ever. I'm an only child, and I only had the company of my cousins and our several maids. So it was inevitable..." I trailed, sucking in a deep breath as the memory washed over me, tears rapidly pooling in my eyes as I screwed them shut from the livid pain I felt all over again like that moment was present.
"W-what was inevitable?" Faith's small voice made me open my eyes and the tears spilled as their gates were unbarred. It hurt so much all over again.
"My cousins raped me," I surprised myself at how even my voice was, with so much hate and pent up anger flowing through them. I heard Ada and Faith's gasps, but I continued before I would be overwhelmed and unable to speak anymore. "Nobody was home, I was only ten and I'd dragged myself to the gate to tell our gate man after and then he...he'd raped me too." My voice broke, the evenness falling out as a choking sound escaped my lips.
I was blind--blinded with tears and pain that seemed endless and I didn't even hear or feel my friends crying with me and hugging me close. I'd never told a soul until that day and I didn't know saying it out loud would hurt that much.
"Did you tell anyone? Did they do anything?" Ada asked, her cheeks dampened and her nose runny from crying.
"Who was there to tell?" I couldn't help the hate and disdain in my voice. "Lucky for me, our workers are always changed after every six months and a new gateman was brought soon after, so I didn't have to see the face of that bastard ever again."
"Oh my God! I don't even know what to say...I'm so sorry," Ada cried, full on hysterical but my pain was just a dull throb now and I just stared at both of them, Faith crying silent heart breaking tears and Ada crying so loud that I was almost shocked. I'd never seen her like that before.
"Its fine. Its all in the past now." I muttered, closing up that space again and filing away the hurt for another time--maybe never.
"That doesn't make it okay. Why would your own cousins do that to you?!" Faith cried, her silence erupting as her big baby brown eyes reflected so much fury like I'd never seen before. The innocence in those eyes were nowhere to be found at that moment and she was fuming, angry tears rolling down her cheeks.
For some weird reason, their reactions made me a tad bit happy. I don't know, it was just comforting to know that all the anger and murderous thoughts I'd kept locked up inside me were justified by seeing other people react the same way.
"And then its most likely that it was that trauma triggered your PD." Ada said, equal anger radiating through her voice and I just sighed, tired of everything.
"Yeah, that's the conclusion I made when no one would tell me anything, and can we please stop talking about it?" My voice was small, shoulders sagging in defeat.
"Okay...but just so you know, you never deserved any of that and you're one of the most amazing people I've ever known. Honestly, I used to think you were a snobbish spoilt brat and that's why Faith and I never talked to you. You used be on your own and never talked to anyone else apart from Mary so we just judged you without knowing you, but I'm so sorry we did. I'm so sorry I didn't know you much sooner and I'm sorry for everything you had to go through. I'm so sorry..." Ada's voice broke into sobs again, the veins on her neck straining as her lips trembled and then she pulled me into a hug, Faith joining too.
I cried. I couldn't stop the tears now as they came barreling through a whorl of pent up emotions. The emotions I hadn't been able to express all those years, the tears of pain and the subdued anger of watching Debo and Tayo--my cousins--laugh at every family gathering. The pain when they teased me and tried to make small talk, or when they asked for money from my parents.
I cried so hard, screaming and wailing and punching myself. And it all hurt so bad because I hadn't said anything. I had kept fucking quiet and everyone went about their lives like nothing happened, while I died inside everyday.
"You'll be fine, I promise." Faith whispered, her hands encircling me along with Ada's and I just cried because that wasn't true and could never be. The scene was still fresh in my mind like it only happened yesterday and the pain was even worse.
The pain made me feel murderous.