"You say I am strong when I think that I am weak." - Lauren Daigle
We have all survived the hard part, or at least what I hope to consider the hard part. Ian died exactly 13 days ago, meaning the weekend he was supposed to be home just passed. It was also Easter, and Noah's supposed-to-be wedding weekend.
And we, somehow, made it through. So that was the hard part, right?
We are about to find out. I return to school and work today. While I've been staying caught up in school from the comfort of my own bedroom, I haven't worked in almost two weeks. Aside from the luncheon, I've basically avoided Westchester like the plague.
Additionally, I start therapy tomorrow. People respond to therapy in several different ways: it helps some and leaves others completely indifferent. I've never attended therapy before, so there's no way to tell how I'll react. I hope it helps me because for two weeks I've been bobbling back and forth between emotionally distressed and void of all emotions in general.
It's not ideal crying over every little thing or walking around like you have your humanity turned off.
Behavioral changes are common when someone loses someone they care deeply about. More often than not, behavior worsens due to irritability, but there are some cases where little things change. For example, my punctuality has exceptionally improved these past two weeks. I no longer wake up as I'm supposed to be walking out the door, I actually get up on time and arrive to where I'm supposed to be on time. There's not really a logical explanation behind it.
"Ready?" Kaila poked her head in my room.
Kaila, considering she works a real world job now, was unable to take much time off. She went back last Monday and has been going in everyday since then; however, she took today off and picked up a shift at Westchester to be emotional support for me.
Westchester is one of the places where Ian and I spent a great deal of our time together, and we share memories in probably every square foot of this park. I walk in and it's a slap in the face of memories.
"I guess we are about to find out."
The park looked exactly the same as I had left it when I was last here for the luncheon. Everyone here was happy and laughing, spreading joy to the people around them. I didn't feel it though.
"Where are you working today?" Kaila asked.
"He has me working in the lounge." Probably to limit my human contact to a minimum for now. It makes sense; it'd be kind of awkward if I had an emotional breakdown in front of a customer at the cafe for ordering the same food as Ian usually would. Trevor said people talked about it for days after I found out over the phone about Ian. Old ladies can gossip, that's for sure.
Everyone was talking about the poor heartbroken girl whose boyfriend had died in war.
"Good morning, Josie," Caroline greeted. She had a more professional outfit on today; she usually just wears a pair of khakis and a nice shirt, but today she had on a black pencil skirt and a white button-up blouse.
"Good morning," I said back. "You look nicer today than usual, what's the occasion?"
"My dad wanted Mason and I to sit in on his new business pitch he has in about an hour."
Mason did just finish up his business degree in December, so it's cool that Mr. W is giving him this opportunity.
"Do you know what the pitch is?"
"Basically, he's just meeting with investors and landlords and discussing extending the park property to build a hotel. It's still pretty low key because there's a ton of steps he has to take, but yeah."
Having a hotel on the same property as Westchester would have business booming, I'd think. As of right now, it's viewed more as a club for locals to join and come to, but a hotel would additionally give it a resort vibe. There's enough to do at and around Westchester that would make it a good investment.
"That's exciting. I hope it works out."
"I think it's his way of coping, ya know?" She probably wasn't specifically talking to me, I just happened to be the one around and listening. "He built the lounge when my mom died, and now the hotel."
I remember that sorrowful time here at Westchester when Mrs. Geraldine Westchester passed away. She died unexpectedly when she had a heart attack in her sleep. Mr. Westchester started going through the process to have the lounge built shortly following her death.
Now it's been almost two weeks since Ian died, and Mr. W is looking to take on a new project. He probably does it to keep himself busy and refrain from falling into unhealthy patterns of overwhelming sadness like a lot of his employees have.
Kaila already barely works here because of her actual job, Mason only just returned to work on Thursday, and I have barely been able to step foot on to Westchester property since Ian died. 3 of his most dedicated employees haven't been at work because we have been mourning Ian's death.
"How are you both?" I asked, genuinely curious. While Caroline only really met Ian a few months back, Mr. W has watched us grow into the adults we've become. He's taught us life lessons that no other job could've. He's been a solid model figure in my life, and he was in Ian's too.
"It's hard seeing everyone hurting and not knowing how to help. I kind of feel like my dad thinks there was something he could've done to have prevented all of this, but there wasn't. It was out of his hands."
"He kind of reminds me of Ian, actually. Ian always tried to fix things that he just couldn't. And when he was sad, he channeled his emotions into JROTC, like Mr. W does with work."
"I noticed a lot of similarities in them, too." She smiled to herself, looking to be in wandering thought about something. "Well, my dad asked me to do a run through of the park before we go into our meeting, so I should get moving."
Caroline left, leaving me in the lounge practically alone. Anyone else that works in here is part of the financial team and they all work in little corridors or offices.
My job is to answer phone calls and register newcomers for memberships, and that is pretty much it. I guess the easier the job and the less people around, the better.
Mason walked in, wearing navy blue slacks and a Carolina blue button-up, ready for the meeting.
"Morning, Josie," he flashed me a smile. Shockingly, it did brighten my day a little bit. I appreciated Mason's easygoing presence that was beginning to settle in again.
"Good morning. Good luck with the meeting."
"Thank you!"
I really hope this works out for Mr. W and the rest of his team involved because a new project sounds like a great idea to keep everyone's mind focused on something more important than despair.
Working the front desk at the lounge is easy money, but it's incredibly boring with literally no one to talk to. Cara would always tell me while Ian was initially deployed: keep your mouth busy, not your mind, but that is hard to do when there is no one around.
As you could imagine, my thoughts were running amuck.
And Ian Miller was the root of it all.
I remember texting Ian over Kik Messenger when we were 12 and too shy to exchange numbers. He told me that he was being forced to go to Westchester with his family for a beach day when all he wanted to do was stay home and sleep. That was the day we found out we were both Westchester members. I convinced my parents to take us that day, too, and Ian and I introduced our families.
Thinking back, almost everyone that lives near Miami Beach is a member at Westchester; it's convenient and affordable. I don't know why we were so shocked to discover both of our families were members.
Two years later at 14, Mr. W offered us our first jobs. Ian and I had both been members since we were little, so he had gotten to know us and our families very well, and he trusted us. Plus, it was only fair since Hayden and Anthony both got to start working there at 14. The only job we were allowed to work was the ice cream parlor, but working was cool back then so it didn't matter.
It got old by the time we were 16, though. We were old enough to do playground duty and waitress in the cafe and expected to take on more hours since we'd both gotten our license and cars.
By 17, we were fully adjusted to the work life at Westchester and found ways to enjoy it even while we were clocked in. I genuinely found myself enjoying coming into work to scoop ice cream or serve chicken fingers.
Ian made it easy to enjoy. He would always say or do things to make me laugh, especially if he could tell work was the last place I wanted to be at the given moment. So long as Ian was there, I knew there'd be a good day ahead of me.
That stood true for many cases, aside from just work. It was pretty much everything I encountered — school, work, life in general: if Ian was there, it'd be okay.
Adjusting to a reality where Ian won't physically be here ever again is something I don't think I'll ever fully be able to do. I still find myself every so often absentmindedly waiting for my weekly phone call that I won't ever get again.
Just as I could feel my mental breakdown coming, I felt presence next to me.
"Thank God Mr. W took me off greeting. That shit is the worst," Jocey sighed.
I didn't even try to hide my grateful smile. Perfect timing.
"How are you?" I've hardly seen Jocey at all these past few weeks considering work is the only time I ever really see her, and I haven't been in much of a mood to make plans.
"I'm pretty good," she said. "I've actually been meaning to tell you, I got a subbing job in the city."
"You're kidding, that's amazing!" Jocelyn went to school to become an elementary school teacher, and she is now one step closer to being set.
"I'm really excited to start, but Friday is my last day at Westchester. I have to do some training over the summer to be prepared in the fall."
First Kaila, now Jocelyn... reality is really setting in around here. This all means that Mr. W will be hiring new people, likely high school juniors and seniors and college students, and we will all be moving on rather rapidly.
"I really hate to bring it up," Jocey said genuinely. "But how are you doing lately?"
"A step closer to okay than I was yesterday, but still very far. He was my best friend you know, before everything, he was my best friend. And no one, at any point in their life, can imagine their life without their best friend. But here I am, living it."
"That's just it though, Jos, you're living it. This will probably be one of the darkest times of your life, but you're living through it."
It physically felt like someone gave me a refreshing slap in the face. Jocelyn is right: I am living a life that most people fear to even imagine. But I am living, and that is the part I should be focusing on. I can't get down on myself for endlessly mourning Ian; I have to praise myself for getting through each day without him.
"Thank you," I mumbled. "I needed that."
There is always something that you need to hear and you don't even realize it, and that was it for me.
Honestly, there is nothing I want to do more right now than allow my mind to reminisce on all of my memories I experienced here at Westchester with Ian and cry in the process. I'm on the clock and Jocelyn is right next to me, which is pretty much the only two reasons that I haven't started crying yet. However, I didn't hate myself and feel weak for wanting to cry, I felt proud of myself. I may cry, but at least I am still surviving.
I know my Ian, and he is probably so proud of me for taking on everyday, even if it is hesitantly.
Ian Miller has taught me this strength and he'd been my light for countless years, and now i'll show him from below how I will continue to be strong and how I will become my own light. I still have so long until I am okay again, each day being a battle without him, but I will do it all for Ian.
•••
Wow, the ending hit me, and I wrote it... who else thought Jocelyn's response was solid? Like I even felt it. She's so right — Josie may be struggling but at least she is living.
I have a huge research essay due Thursday night, and I've been procrastinating it so hopefully I convince myself to do it after I update this!
Have a good night!
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- Emily
B.E. Better Everyday