"Now close your eyes and please undertsand that you are still young, and the universe is endless, and somehow, everything will be okay." - Tullipsink
We are all aware that there are millions of people involved in the armed forces, putting their lives at stake every single day. Every single person that is in the army has loved ones who miss them every single day that they are gone, and pray to a God they might not even believe in that their loved one will make it out alive. As dangerous as it is, we never expect our loved one to be one to not actually survive. We always expect him or her to come back home and continue on with their life, but that isn't always the case.
People die every single day, but we can never anticipate the death of someone we love.
"Josie," Kaila nudged me softly.
"I can't do it, Kaila." Viewing begins in only an hour and I haven't even been able to pull myself out of bed yet. If I get up, it's accepting that every day I live from now on will be without Ian.
I can't do that, I am not ready to accept that.
"Come on, Jos, I know this is so hard for you. I wish I could make it better, but I can't. We have to go soon. For Ian."
"I can't accept this." Although, it really didn't make a difference because I can not change it.
"I know you don't want to, but you have to. We all do." I closed my eyes for a second, letting her words sink in. I have to accept this, she's right.
I flipped the covers off of my body and slowly got up. Kaila squeezed my hand to reassure me I'd be able to get through this, and I went to the shower.
Truthfully, I don't know if I will be able to make it through today, but I have to try for Ian.
I showered slowly, despite time moving fast and the beginning of the viewing approaching quickly.
After showering, I put on a simple black dress with black heels. While we waited for my hair to dry, Kaila did my makeup. Normally I'd do my own, but I didn't want to today. All I can think about is the eulogy I will be speaking in regards of Ian this afternoon.
I spent the past two days perfecting it, giving it all of my time and energy. And cried throughout the whole process.
"Ready?" The only response I could give her was a blank spare. "Stupid question, sorry." Kaila grabbed her car keys and we left to go to Ian Miller's funeral viewing that started ten minutes ago.
Mrs. Miller told me that I didn't have to go for the whole duration if I couldn't bring myself to, but I have to. I need to. For him.
"You're going to be alright, Josie," Kaila said. Her voice was quiet and if the radio was on at all, I probably wouldn't have heard her. I didn't reply, but I soaked in the comment.
I wonder if it's true, if I will be alright again one day. It took me two years to be alright again after he left the first time, and he was still alive then. Who knows how long it will take me to be alright again, knowing I'd seen him for the last time on December 23rd.
Kaila pulled into an open parking space in the parking lot of the funeral home. It's time.
We both stepped out of the car and made our way inside of the home hand-in-hand, just like we did on our first day of first grade.
We had been so scared for our first day of school, where we no longer would have nap time and we would have to learn how to read. It seemed easier taking on the challenge side-by-side, hand-in-hand. I remember feeling like nothing could drag me down as long as I had Kaila.
It's still true to some extent. Having Kaila by my side is making this easier on me, but it doesn't make me invincible by any means.
The second I stepped into the room, the first thing I'd seen was Ian's casket at the front. My lip instantly began quivering and my body started to shake. It felt like I was stabbed in the chest and left for dead.
"Morning, girls," Mrs. Miller greeted us with open arms. The big room was not yet so busy, but it made sense considering it only just began and the window for visitation is so vast. "There are snacks upstairs you can feel free to help yourself too."
I nodded my head slightly, unable to take my eyes off of Ian's casket.
Mrs. Miller followed my gaze and frowned. For lack of words to use right now, she reacted by briefly rubbing my back in a soothing manner.
She excused herself to go greet new people that had just walked in. I stayed staring.
"Why don't you go up there?" Kaila suggested, resting her head on my shoulder. She wore flats today while I wore heels, so for once I was the taller one.
"I'm not ready."
"That's okay, go at your own pace, Jos." Kaila also excused herself to go converse. I still didn't move.
A touch on my shoulder is what got me to finally look away from the casket that Ian lay limp in.
I turned around to see Sophie Ric. She went to high school with us and had a huge crush on Ian freshman year, which was before Ian and I started dating. They went on a couple dates toward the end of the year, but Ian had broken it off right before summer began.
Let's just say, when Ian and I started dating not longer after that, she wasn't my biggest fan.
I didn't even think about the fact people from high school will likely be showing up. Ian was friends with everyone.
"Hi, Sophie," I said awkwardly. I have not spoken a word to her since sophomore year.
"Hey, Josie," she offered me a pitiful smile. "I'd ask how you are, but I can already assume you're not well."
She's got that right.
"I just want to say I'm sorry for your loss, is all. Ian was a great guy. You guys were perfect for each other."
It only took her 7 years to admit it.
"Thank you." Now was not the time to be petty over a high school dispute. She kindly showed up to his funeral to pay respects. It was a nice gesture. She nodded and walked away to get a look at the pictures of Ian covering the room.
"Hey," Hayden greeted me with Mr. Miller in tow. I forced a small smile onto my face as a response. "Some of Ian's unit is going to be here soon."
"I didn't realize they'd be coming so early."
"Ian was a highly respected soldier on his base." The comment put a genuine grin on my face because it doesn't even surprise me. Everyone that has ever met Ian has loved him. He's such a loyal, respectful man.
"I believe it."
Mr. Miller went to go greet newcomers with Mrs. Miller, but Hayden stayed by my side.
"You heard from Mason?"
"Nope," I declined. I didn't even realize until now that he hasn't shown up yet. He's probably going through the same struggle of getting up this morning like I did. He didn't have anyone to help him get through the dreaded process of preparing himself for his friend's funeral though. "I'll take care of it."
I stepped out of the room and called Anthony. He told me he'd come around 9:30, which is still an hour away, but I want him to go check on Mason.
"Hey, sis," he answered immediately. He wanted to ask me if something was wrong, I could tell by his tone, but resisted.
"Hey, Anth, I need a favor."
"What is it?"
"Mason said he'd be here at 8, but he still isn't here. Can you go to his apartment and see how he is?"
"Will do. I'll let you know what's up."
"Thank you, love you."
"Love you, too."
Mason has been coping differently than everyone else. He puts up a strong front in front of everyone almost always and is staying dedicated to his faith by attending church as often as he can. But he's also been secluding himself. None of us take it personally because we know it is just his process of grieving, but I miss him and I worry about him. We're all in pain, and I hate that Mason feels like he has to be in pain alone.
Through the main entrance, a group of men and select women walked in. They were all fully dressed in their military uniforms.
I dipped back into the room, immediately clinging to Hayden's side. I was nervous to meet people from Ian's unit because these people knew a part of Ian that even I didn't know. I had no idea what they know about me, if even anything. Maybe Ian never spoke about me to them.
"You look nervous," Hayden pointed out.
I looked up at him and nodded.
Before Hayden could try and convince me to not be nervous, we were approached by a couple of the men.
"Something tells me your Josie," one of them said. He reminds me of Sergeant Nichols with his serious expression, yet easygoing tone of voice. It's probably an army man thing.
"I am." So it is confirmed that Ian did indeed talk about me. "How'd you know that?"
The man looked at the guy next to him, who nodded. "I'm Steven Carlo," he introduced himself briefly. "Tommy and I got pretty close with Ian these past few months." He gestured to the guy next to him that had nodded. "Ian talked about you a lot. We knew it was you because of the picture he always kept with him." Tommy extended his hand to reveal an photo of Ian and I sitting on a bench at Westchester together. We took it only a few weeks before he left.
"Thank you," I murmured, receiving the picture.
"We actually have something else for you, too." Steven reached into his pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper. "Ian wrote it for you. All we know is he wants you to read it in private."
I stared at the paper in his hand, unable to bring myself to grab it. I could not believe that Ian had written me a letter that he wanted me to read after his death. Part of me didn't even want to read it because I was scared to know what it says.
Hayden grabbed it for me so that Steven's hand wasn't left outstretched for any longer.
"I'll hold onto it for you for the day, okay?" He suggested. I managed to nod my head, in a slight state of shock still.
Mrs. Miller called Hayden over, which led him to hesitantly leave me alone with Tommy, Steven, and another guy I still didn't know the name of.
It didn't seem to matter because Steven and the unnamed guy excused themselves momentarily to go speak to Mr. Miller. Tommy stayed rooted in his position though.
"I'm sorry, Josie."
"It's not your fault," I murmured. Though my voice was weak, the statement was genuine. Ian's demise is no one's fault but the man who pulled the trigger on him.
"I should've been there for him. I shouldn't have left his side. He told me to go help someone else, but I should've stayed by him. I could've been able to save him."
The pain in his voice and the regret in his tone reminded me of when Ian told me about his friend that he had watched die during his last deployment. He was destroyed. He nearly killed himself, it had hurt him so bad. I would hate to see Tommy go down a similar path. Ian would hate it too.
"Tommy," I mustered up a strong voice. "Ian's death isn't your fault, okay? No one blames you. Who knows what could've happened if you didn't leave Ian alone? We could be standing at your funeral too." Ian probably saved Tommy's life without even realizing it. "Please don't beat yourself up. Ian wouldn't want that."
"I just feel like I could've done something." Don't we all?
"This was out of your hands," I tried to assure him. Words just didn't seem to be doing the trick right now, and I wasn't surprised. I did something that was helping me a little these past few days.
I hugged Tommy, despite meeting him only minutes ago. Something tells me, surrounded by alpha men all of the time, no one really gets the chance to be vulnerable. If I've learned one thing studying psychology these past five years, vulnerability is healthy.
"Thank you," he said softly. "I didn't know I needed that."
I offered him a small smile.
I told Tommy I would talk to him again later when I spotted Mason's presence from across the room. He was wearing the all black suit I'd helped him pick out over FaceTime last night, and he looked pissed off. Anthony walked in moments after Mason, looking annoyed.
"Hey," I greeted Mason and Anthony. Mason walked away, not even acknowledging me. I rose my eyebrow at Anthony in confusion.
"He's pissed that you called me to get him," Anthony rolled his eyes. "Just give him a few minutes to calm down. You know he's not actually mad at you."
"I know."
Mason is mad at the universe, just like me. I understand. It's been a rollercoaster of unpleasantries.
I watched as he walked passed Ian's casket, but kept his head hung low. He wasn't ready to say goodbye either. Mason walked around the room, keeping to himself as he went through all of Ian's memories in the collages.
By the time he was halfway around the room, I figured he was calm enough for me to approach him again.
I joined his side silently and started taking in the memories on the board. The photos brought tears of thankfulness to my eyes as I recalled these great times I was lucky enough to share with Ian and the rest of our friends.
"Freshman year homecoming, what a time," Mason chuckled softly, yet sorrowfully.
What Mason means by that is it was the first time girls grind on him and Ian. They talked about it all night. As you could imagine, Kaila and I were fed up.
I nudged him jokingly, then looked up at him. He was already staring down at me.
"We're really here right now I guess."
"I guess," I agreed. I took his hand in mine and squeezed it. Mason is not alone through this, and neither am I.
I turned around and let go of Mason's hand when I sensed a presence behind me and literally let out a surprised gasp when I saw Joel Addison standing before me.
"Oh my god," I breathed out in relief, hugging him instantly. "Thank you for coming." Joel's bear hugs always seem to hit home. For the duration of the hug, some of my pieces seemed to temporarily be put back together.
"Hey, man," Joel said. "I'm really sorry about Ian."
Mason nodded. "That was really cool what you did for him the other day. I bet he appreciated it up there."
"I hope."
Some of the men from Ian's unit, including the three from earlier, approached us and took us all by surprise by saluting Joel. "We saw what you did for Ian, and we have nothing but respect for you." One of them said.
"He was a good guy. That was the least I could do."
The rest of the viewing consisted of an abundance of tears and hugs, reunions, and me anticipating the speaking of the eulogy.
I'd be pouring my soul out to a room full of people that loved Ian about my take on Ian's beautiful life.
•••
I am warning you all now, next chapter will be EMOTIONAL and LONG, just a tad longer than this one.
I'm so close to finishing this story, I have two chapters left to pre-write and 7 left to post! Absolutely insane!
Prom is next week and I'm so overwhelmed, I have so much to do in so little time... well...
Don't forget to...
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- Emily