I HAVE EXACTLY TEN MINUTES before Pepper arrives. I've never been so anxious in my life. Three hard mints have already dissolved under my tongue. I stop myself from finding a fourth. One moment, I'm in the living room pausing her favorite drama on the TV. The next, I'm in the kitchen pouring her favorite mix of snacks into a giant blue bowl. I pull down her favorite bottle of tequila, a carton of lemonade, and distribute everything across the coffee table.
I know it's not really a date; she just wants to hang out, but I can't help but feel like this is my moment to prove just how great we can be together. After she came over yesterday and gave me an ultimatum, I knew I had to take advantage of every second we have together from that moment on.
With eight minutes to spare, I race upstairs and check myself in the bathroom mirror. The hints of a light stubble create a shadow across my face. Locks of chestnut tease my forehead. It's a little longer than how I usually get it cut, but I'm sure she won't mind. As if invoked by the thought, the feeling of Pepper running her fingers through my hair or tracing them along my jawline blesses my being. Her disapproving pursed lips tease my memory. 'You need to shave.' Four cute little words fall from her perfect lips. The light that shone in her eyes whenever I was freshly shaven and wearing a t-shirt that wasn't wrinkled makes me ache for the old days. Times she'd giggle with glee whenever I let her pick my outfits or give me dating advice pull at something heavy in the pit of my stomach.
Fuck. I miss that Pepper.
Reaching into the cabinet next to the mirror, I pull down my cologne, one of her favorite scents, and mist it over my dark, blue hoodie. This is my chance. Oxygen zips through my lips as I drag in a breath and prepare myself for the challenge. I have to make Pepper forget that she loves Mason. I have to make her love me instead. She needs to want me as much as I want her so we can have each other in the way it was meant.
And if things don't work out, I can finally be with Amber.
"Luc?" The sound of Pepper's voice reaches from downstairs.
She's early. I jump out of the bathroom and peek down the stairs to see her waiting at the bottom. My heart jumps into my throat before I can say something. She's so fucking cute, it physically pains me to look at her. She's kicking her boots off, showing her cream-colored, wool-knit socks reaching up her black tights. A matching cream-colored sweater swallows up her petite frame. Her curly hair is laced in one long braid over her shoulder. As I descend the stairs, the faintest hint of makeup is visible on her face, leaving me to wonder if she thinks this is a date too. Upon a closer stance, her vanilla fragrance wraps around me, and suddenly I want to be wrapped around her. Hold her, kiss her, and tell her how pretty she is.
It's barely crossed my mind that I'm staring at her in silence until she murmurs my name in the softest voice and pulls at the sleeves to her sweater. I stammer a 'hi' and she stammers one back.
Mocha tinted eyes flick to the living room TV, and the tamest of smiles touch her lips. "I see you have my favorite show on."
"Yeah." I shrug and shove my hands into the pocket in front of my hoodie. "I thought you could use a good binge."
"Thank you. I really could." Nervous fingers tangle in front of her and she stretches her arms outwards. "My parents are going to be talking to Mason's today." Her lips shrivel. "I'm super nervous."
"Oh." My heart wilts as the first topic she brings up is Mason. Setting aside my disappointment before it can show, I plaster a smile on my face that says I'm listening and I support you.
"I really don't want him to get in trouble. If they make things worse, his parents might force him to transfer." Pain pinches her soft face. Perfect brows bunch over her saddened eyes. "I don't want him to leave." At the crack in her voice, something in me shatters.
Her pain. I hate when she's in pain.
The space between us disappears and I cup the side of her face. "Hey, it's gonna be okay." I place my other hand on her shoulder for reassurance. "Don't think about the bad things. Let's cheer you up and enjoy our favorite pastime. I even pulled out the tequila in case you wanted it."
"Oh." She steps back away from my touch, rubs her arm, and glances towards the dimmed sitting area. "Thanks."
Don't start getting weird. Dragging my bottom lip between my teeth, I wrack my brain for another topic. "So, what are your plans for Thanksgiving break?"
Pepper rubs her arms more vigorously and takes cautious steps away from me and to the living room. "The girls and I are having a sleepover at Martsia's place on Wednesday."
"Girls?"
"Me, Lena and..." There's an abrupt softness in her voice and her shoulders drop. "Amber."
"Oh." I shuffle my feet along the carpet and drag my gaze across the shades of beige. "Are you two friends or something?"
"I don't know." Voice fragile and unsure. "Would a friend date the guy she has a crush on?"
"I don't think so."
"Don't you ever feel bad? I feel like we're lying to her or something."
"Well, it'd hurt her even more if she found out that the girl I like so much is the girl who intimidates her."
This makes Pepper scowl. "Intimidates?"
"Yeah. She told me that she's always been afraid that I liked you. She thought she'd end up falling for me or something; then I'd break her heart."
Guilt contorts her pretty face and emotion breaks into her next words. "And you don't feel bad?"
The look of regret in her eyes makes me pull mine away. "Amber doesn't have to know anything. You and I are just figuring things out."
"And if things" — she looks down — "if things change, what will you tell her?"
A grin breaks free from the lines of guilt across my face. I can't fight it. She's never spoken about us like that before. "You think there's a chance that we'll change?"
"Haven't we changed so much already? I can't say we'll eventually break up, even if I believe we..." She bites her tongue and her gaze breaks from mine. "Maybe we should watch TV," she finishes gently.
"Oh...okay?" My heart attempts to sink, but I refuse to let it. That moment of hesitation never happened. Everything is going to be okay. She has doubts now, but I can erase them. I just need to show her how perfect we can be.
Pepper plops down in her usual spot on the sofa and grabs the remote from the coffee table. Sensing that she's ready to move on, I find a seat next to her as she plays her show on a low volume.
Before she can get too invested, I swipe up our cups and hand her one. "Thought you might like a drink." I snatch up the tequila next and wave it in front of her with a timid smile.
Her eyes trace along it with doubt. "I don't know. Last time we...no thanks."
"Okay." I crack open the bottle and pour a little for myself while she fills her cup with lemonade. "So, Chris isn't coming over for Thanksgiving this year. I think he's going to hang out with his girlfriend or something. And we both know my dad can't cook a TV dinner without burning down the kitchen."
She snorts before taking a sip of her drink. "I know. We've had enough takeout as backup dinners on the nights he felt like being a chef."
A chuckle floats from my lips. "Yeah." I relax against the cushions and take my own generous sip. "Could we come over to your place this Thursday? We don't have any real plans so..."
"Sure. You don't have to ask." She tries to smile. "We're like family. Especially since Mason's-" There was a glint of light in her eyes, a moment of cheer. At the mere mention of his name, it's doused in sorrow. She stares at her glass held carefully between her palms. "It would be fun if our families hung out again."
"Yeah." That's the only response my stupid brain can come up with.
Pepper positions herself towards the TV, but it's not loud enough to cover our silence or our thoughts.
Mason. She's always thinking about Mason. Things always go back to Mason. Why?
I know she just went through something heartbreaking a couple of days ago, but they've been broken up for months. I've been trying to make her love me for months. It's impossible to satisfy her, to make her forget her old feelings.
At one point, this was working. There was a time when she was eager for my presence. She liked being around me. Things were natural. When we slept together, it felt amazing. I miss that.
What the hell changed?
Several episodes come and go with her invested in every scene. She's forgetting her worries now, but how long will it last? Long enough for me to take advantage as she actually sits a little closer to me. Her vanilla scent touches my senses, and I only wish I could scoop her small frame into my arms and embrace her like I normally would. Instead, I rest an arm over her shoulders. Tension rises in her body, but with time, her muscles relax.
A brimming smile conquers my face. This is what I've missed. This is what I want from her. Things are supposed to be comfortable between us. If we weren't in such a weird space right now, I'd tell her just how much I love her. I'd whisper in her ear how often I think about her and the intensity of my body craving hers. She has no idea just how crazy she drives me.
Reckless thoughts guide me to lean down and whisper atop her head, "Remember when you first kissed me?"
"Hmm?" she wonders while sipping on her second cup of lemonade.
"That night...when we were together for the first time." I jog her memories. "You kissed me and said you liked it but probably shouldn't have."
"Oh." She sets her cup down on the coffee table before resting back a little further from me than before. "I say so many stupid things when I'm drunk."
"But you weren't drunk," I murmur and scoot over to tickle my fingers up and down the soft fabric of her sleeve. "What happened to that Pepper? What happened to the girl that wanted to be with me?"
No response. Maybe she's going to ignore me. Perhaps I'm being pushy again. I told her I'd give her time and I should keep that promise. No matter how fast I want us to move, I have to respect how she feels. Even if the thought of bringing her the same happiness we had before is burning my entire existence.
Without warning, Pepper raises her gaze and I look down to meet the unreadable expression across her face. "I don't know, Lucas." Her voice is delicate, vulnerable. "I think that girl...I think she was hurt and lonely and you were there."
"I think she was a version of you that didn't love Mason."
Her brows lower. My words dangle around in her mind, easing aside those barriers. I seize my moment and cup the side of her face, stroke my thumb gently over her cheek. Her skin is warm and her eyes dance across my face with endless possibilities. "I don't know."
"Think about it, Pep. Without him in your heart, you gave yourself to me."
"Because I was trying to forget him."
"Then why did you feel so wrong about being attracted to me?"
Her scowl deepens. "I-I don't know. Because-"
"Because a part of you was scared of what we could become. You were scared that there was more than friendship under our relationship."
"I guess?"
The walls around my thudding heart contract. Her plump lips are so tempting right now, drawing my attention to them. Lemonade and tequila, I can imagine the taste of us now. You have no idea how much I love you. I want us to be together. Forget about Mason. Love me instead.
Her breathing becomes heavy, leaving me to wonder if she can hear my thoughts. She tries to inch back with uncertainty. "Lucas, I-"
I lean in just slightly and lower my thumb to trace along her bottom lip. "I really like you, Pepper. I'm thinking clearly here. Your mind is simply clouded with a lot of emotions, but I can make things just as clear for you."
She swallows hard and presses her lips into a tight line. A line full of doubt. I need to erase that line.
"Do you trust me?" I murmur.
She nods and whispers, "Of course."
That's all I need. The space between us disappears. I am blessed with the delicacy of her soft lips against mine. She doesn't move at first, reluctant. I tilt my head and move my lips gradually to encourage her to do the same. With a continuous effort that takes an eternity, she kisses me back. Just as I thought, her mouth is sweet with a hint of lemonade. I tease her lips with my tongue and she opens up after a bit of persistence. As I explore a territory I haven't felt in so long, I'm reminded of the times when this felt like everything. Times I was buried between her thighs, deep inside her, bringing her pleasure as our mouths and bodies danced. Her intoxicating moans fill my memories. The first night when she clawed her nails down my back and locked her legs around my waist.
God, I miss her so fucking much.
I want her. I want to be just like that again.
My fingertips explore the soft plains of her skin beneath her sweater. When she doesn't move or protest, I caress her side with a loving softness. It's instinctive. Natural. Flames of lust burn the atmosphere. My clothes become pesky layers of fabric keeping me from her, my body against hers like it belongs.
"Lucas," she whispers, breaking away slightly, and presses a palm against my chest.
I wrap my fingers around her wrist and find her lips again. With the slightest nudge, I urge her back onto the sofa and dance my fingers along her soft flesh. The outline of her bra is not a far reach, and I trace my fingers to the back. Positioning myself between her legs, I hover over her. Sweet tequila fills my mouth. Vanilla teases my nose. Skin, so soft and vulnerable, cries out for me.
I love her.
I love her so much.
We're perfect together.
"Lucas," she whispers my name again, only with less hesitance and more urgency. Both of her palms connect with my chest and she pushes harder.
She doesn't want me.
I pull back and stare down as she heaves between kiss-swollen lips. She's so beautiful. She's perfect. Why can't I be perfect for her?
"Y-you're moving too fast." She turns her head to the side and blinks rapidly. Tears? "After what just happened with Mason and-and everything else, this just doesn't feel right."
Of course. Mason.
"I'm sorry." I climb off of her and sit back on the plush cushions, wishing they could engulf me and hide me from this disappointment.
She scrambles up and locks her fingers in front of her chest. Large eyes search mine with regret in their essence. "I'm sorry, Luc. I-I'm really trying." Desperation bleeds into her voice. "I am. It's just-"
"I'm moving too fast." I hold my hands up in surrender. A lie plasters itself across my face as I hide the pain of rejection. "I totally get it. Don't apologize. I got a little too excited. I promised we'd go slow and we will."
"I'm sorry," she says almost inaudibly.
"It's fine. I swear. I'm not going to rush your feelings. In time, you'll feel the same. I know it."
She nods then stares at her hands in her lap. "Okay."
"Come here." I open my arms, motioning for her to rest against me again.
She hesitates for a fraction of a second. The crack in my heart stretches. As I go to lower my arms, she quickly shifts forward and leans into me. Relief cries through my limbs. I wrap my arms around her and close my eyes. This is enough for now. We can go slow. I can do slow. Pepper and I have all the time in the world thanks to Mason's delusional parents.
The TV steals her attention and masks our silence. Everything returns to the way it was, if only for a moment, when something else happens. As my mind is free to float above us, Pepper's question flutters through the spaces.
Should I feel bad about this?
Amber appears in the back of my mind. Sad azure eyes reflect like pools. The look of pain shifts across her fair features. The way I made her so vulnerable without even trying haunts me. Guilt seers my veins. There's a sudden weight on my chest so heavy it's impossible to breathe. Maybe I should feel bad about loving the girl she's been afraid of behind her back. It's not like I don't love Amber or want to be with her, I just have to see what this is between me and Pepper.
If it weren't for Pepper, I would be with Amber right now.
How would that be? To finally do what we've been trying to for years. Date Amber. Hold her hand and kiss her lips whenever I wanted. Touch her skin. Taste her and be with her like I've already been with Pepper. Would it feel different? Less passionate or more?
I shouldn't be thinking like this.
Pepper is in my arms trying to love me. I can't think about another girl. I have to make this work. "You want to come over tomorrow?" I ask, tossing aside thoughts of Amber.
"Okay," she whisper.
My heart plummets to the ground. Okay? Why does she keep saying okay? I shake my head and shove aside any doubts. This will work. We will work. I'm going to show her how amazing we are before it's too late.
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🤍bri sommers 🤍