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1986 - 1989
Seeing James at Cliff's funeral triggered a much needed change in me. Before that day I'd been a barely functioning mess, completely lost in a sea of sadness so vast, I was in real jeopardy of drowning in it. Though the realization that our whole past had been based on lies was even more painful than finding him cheating, seeing him had been the mental slap I needed. Sure, the sadness turned to anger, which wasn't much better, and there was a brief period when my hurt and anger turned to what I thought was hate; he'd wrecked me so completely and it was the easiest emotion to give in to. I'd imagine him in front of me and how I'd let lose my fury on him, destroying him like he'd destroyed me. But I realized pretty quickly that I could never truly hate him; somewhere in that fucked up head was still the kid who had become my best friend years ago. I hated the choices that he'd made and I hated how he had hurt me, but as much as it hurt to admit, I was never going to be able to actually hate him.
After some time, I was able to see things more clearly, though the ache of his betrayal was constant, no matter how much time had passed. I knew my love for him had been deep and pure. He was everything I had wanted and needed, but clearly that wasn't true for James. I had truly believed that we were happy and fulfilled in our relationship and that James had found the peace and love that had always been missing, but I'd been wrong. I wasn't what he needed, and eventually he had looked elsewhere. I knew there was nothing I could have done to change things, I couldn't have loved him more or been more supportive or more attentive. I did a lot of soul searching and came to the conclusion that he was far more damaged than even I understood. He didn't want the kind of love and the kind of relationship that I had offered him. I didn't know what he wanted, maybe he didn't either, but I finally began to see that it was a waste of my time wishing and dreaming for a person who didn't even exist, who in fact, had never existed.
So eventually I became tired of feeling sad and tired of being angry, actually, I was fairly embarrassed by how long I'd let myself wallow. Even though everyone assured me that with everything I'd been through, I was entitled to deal with things in my own way, instead I just felt ashamed for giving up on myself and my life. James had been a huge part of who I thought I was, but he wasn't everything, he wasn't the only best parts of me. I wasn't going to lock myself away for the rest of my life because the boy I loved hadn't loved me back. Suffice it to say, I kicked my own ass out of the house and back into the world.
It was terrifying at first. I hadn't been me without James in fourteen years, I didn't know who that person was anymore. I had to stop seeing everything through the perspective of his thoughts and inputs and reactions. I felt incredibly alone and vulnerable, but I had an amazing support system in my friends and family. They were unfailing in their love, and it was a much needed reminder that genuine love did exist.
Some days I felt almost whole again. Almost. But maybe that was what I told myself so that I wouldn't backslide. The life I had always assumed that was meant for Jamie and me, it was a bitterness I couldn't completely rinse from my mouth, but I learned to live with it.
When my housesitting stint came to an end after six months, I used it as an opportunity to make a real change. As much as I loved living in the Bay Area, there were too many memories and too many opportunities to run into James. Instead, I went full circle and moved back down to L.A. Declining my parents' offer to move back in with them, I rented one half of a small duplex in Santa Monica that was located only a few blocks from the beach. The proximity to the beach was the major reason for moving there. Yes, being at the beach reminded me of James—hell, everything reminded me of James—but I found comfort there. Every afternoon, I'd walk along the shore and breathe in the sea air while watching the sun sink into the ocean. It brought me peace and became part of my healing process.
The other part of my healing process came from diving back into music. Being in L.A. offered me a ton more opportunities in the music industry, and I found regular work at a couple well known studios as a back-up singer. It proved to be a great training ground since I had to change up my vocalizations depending on the band recording that week, and it really challenged my skills and talent. I also met a group of studio musicians who were looking to form a band, and they asked me to join. Most were a little older and seasoned pros, and it was a dream playing with them. We performed a mix of music and became pretty popular around the club scene, and also got gigs playing a lot of high profile Hollywood type parties and events.
And I wrote a lot. A lot. Really fucking depressing shit too. But it was cathartic and I was grateful for it.
It was great being able to focus on things that were positive and made me feel productive, so I kept myself busy...as busy as I could without forgoing sleep. When I wasn't busy I started to think too much, and that was dangerous ground. Every day was about moving forward and not looking back. Looking back was not an option.
Six months after my move to Santa Monica, I had an unexpected but not unwelcome surprise; Kelly moved in. She and Patrick had broken up after she'd brought up the idea of them moving in together and he'd reacted badly. Really badly. She was heartbroken, and I completely understood her need to make a fresh start. Plus, I had the space and was secretly grateful for the company. Kel took over the guest bedroom, found a job with a design house, and suddenly we were back to being singleton roommates again after all these years. In some ways it felt like fate since we were each other's best support system and we were both going through an incredibly difficult time. We didn't have to explain to the other when a sad commercial sent us into crying fits, or had to justify buying ice cream in gallon size containers. We let each other wallow and we also kicked each other in the ass when enough was enough. Slowly we mended.
Apparently Kelly's heart fixed itself a lot faster than mine, as a handful of months later, she was the first to get back on the horse and start dating. She'd been out doing some Christmas shopping and had met some guy while in line to get coffee, and he'd asked her out to dinner. She's been hesitant to say yes but I convinced her to give it a go. The night of the date I waited up for her, ice cream and two spoons at the ready.
"So?" I asked as I watched her kick off the heels she's worn and sink down onto the couch.
She took a big bite of chocolate ice cream before answering. "It was good. He was nice."
"But...?"
"It was...weird. I kept having to remind myself to stop comparing him to Patrick."
She took another bite of ice cream and I could see her hand trembling.
"It's probably gonna be like that for a while hon." I kept my voice low and soothing. "I imagine it'll get easier."
"Yeah, I know it will. It was like this after my high school boyfriend and Ron too." She quirked a sad smile. "It's still hard though. Hard to start over when you had it so good."
I understood that sentiment completely.
"Well, I'm really proud of you Kel for taking this step and puttin' yerself out there."
We were quiet for a minute as we ate.
Finally Kelly spoke up, her tone uncharacteristically subdued. "And what about you Lei, it's been a year and a half, when are you gonna start dating again?"
I was reaching my spoon towards the pint and stopped midway, my appetite suddenly gone. Setting the spoon down, I sank back into the sofa.
"I...I'm too busy to date. When would I even find the time...or an actual guy to go out with?"
Kel shot me a sideways look which I pretended to not see. "Leila, you get five invitations to go out just when you walk the block and half to get milk at the store. Yer constantly getting hit on at the clubs and parties you play at cuz I've seen it. Opportunity is not the problem and you could make the time if you wanted to. You just don't want to. But you need to." Her tone softened. "James is not the only guy out there who could make you happy."
I flinched at hearing his name spoken out loud. "I...I'm not ready."
Kel put down her spoon too.
"I know it feels impossible to move on from him," she murmured solemnly, "because what you two had was beyond the ordinary."
"Yeah," I scoffed angrily as I sat back, "it was a pile of crap piled on top of lies, that's what we had."
Kelly shook her head as she gazed at me. "I know you think he never loved you, maybe that's what he wanted you to think, but I know he did. We all saw it, we all felt it."
Kelly had said as much a number of times since my break-up, she was convinced that James had been in love with me and for whatever reason, had walked away anyway letting me think otherwise. I wasn't sure whether the thought made me feel better or worse.
"It doesn't matter whether or not James ever loved me, I'm not ready to be with someone else." My throat started to thicken with emotion. "I don't know if I ever will be."
"No...you don't get to do that!" Kelly's words and tone surprised me as I stared at her outraged face. "I love you Leila and I know you've had the shit kicked outta you, but you don't get to give up on bein' happy again. Yer one of the best people I know, you have the biggest heart, yer talented and stupidly gorgeous...there's no reason to think you can't find someone else who will make you believe in love again."
Suddenly I was on the defensive. "Maybe, but it's not like I have to have some guy in my life to make me feel fulfilled or happy. I have friends...and my singing. I mean, isn't this the time of the emancipated woman, independent of needing a man to be whole?"
"Hell yeah, and I'll be the first to say 'right on sister'. But this isn't about having to have a man, it's about letting go of the one you had."
"I have! I moved away, I'm working, I'm performing—"
"And most of it is motivated in some way by James. He's out of yer life, but everything you do is still about him."
"Well, wouldn't dating other guys be about him too?"
"Yeah... well maybe." Kelly looked down at her lap for a moment in defeat before looking back up at me with worried eyes. "It's just...I'm scared for you Leila. I know how deeply you loved him." Now it was my turn to look down at my lap as I fought back painful images of happier times. "What you two had...it was something I thought only happened in books and movies. I know you totally don't want to hear that cuz it's painful, but I can only imagine how hard it would be to rebound from something that powerful. I worry that he'll always have this hold over you, that you won't allow yerself to really move on. That suddenly you'll wake up and years will have gone by that you wasted by not letting go. Let him go Lei. Make the leap and get out there. It's really fuckin' hard—I know this from experience—but yer not doin' yerself any favors hiding away."
She let me sit with that a while as she headed off to bed. She wasn't completely right, but she wasn't completely wrong either. I was worried too, worried that I'd never be the person I used to be, worried that I'd never be truly happy again.
"He's not coming back Lei." I whispered the words out loud for the first time ever.
Pain—white hot—flashed through me, and I knew that Kelly was right. I was holding on still and I needed to let go for good.
~
My first date was with a friend of Kelly's from high school. They'd stayed in touch over the years and he'd been after Kel to set us up if I ever became single. He finally got his wish, though I felt bad knowing it was never going to pan out no matter how nice or charming. He was both, and I enjoyed our night out for dinner and a movie, but he was my starting point, and I was a long way away from getting emotional or physical. I let him kiss me on the cheek when he dropped me off, and had to physically keep myself from recoiling, even as innocent as it was. I felt like I was betraying James. How fucked up is that?
Once I got the ball rolling, it became easier to date. I went out on a pretty regular basis, but never, ever, the same guy twice. My reasoning was that I'd have a better chance of bouncing back the more I put myself out there. I soon recognized though that I was just bullshitting myself and Kelly since the reality was, I didn't want to get attached. Ok, that was bullshit too. The real truth was that I knew I couldn't get attached. I felt blank...devoid of real emotion. I could smile and even flirt a little, but I felt nothing. Not one of them sparked the smallest glimmer of interest. I knew Kelly would just tell me to give it time, but what if her fears were valid, what if I was never going to find happiness and love again?
Things fell into a pattern for a while. Sometimes I felt like we were in our own little sitcom Kelly and me. Two single gals forging their career paths by day and navigating the waters of L.A's happening singles' scene at night. Minus the laugh track.
Actually, the career part was going really well. I had a ton of regular studio work, the band was performing at least once or twice a week, and I'd culled together enough original songs to record my first album. I called on all of the friends and contacts I'd made during my time in L.A., and when the time came, I had a really wonderful group of people who helped me pull it together. I was really proud of the finished product, but despite the positive reviews, the album didn't get much in the way of air play and the sales were sluggish at best. I guess maybe the overall tone of the album had something to do with it. It was 1988 and everyone wanted either something upbeat and danceable or power ballads. My music was completely the opposite. I'd written what I felt and what I knew, and most of it leaned towards melancholy. Still, I didn't give up on my dream to make another record at some point, maybe someday there'd be more of a mainstream market for moody and introspective.
I continued to date, though I still stuck to the one date only rule. Kelly had long since given up on trying to change my mind on that, but I think she knew better than to push it. I'd get there when I was ready...and I still wasn't ready. Especially when I heard through the grapevine that James was back in town. The band was recording their fourth album in North Hollywood, thankfully, not at either of my studios. Suddenly I was on pins and needles that we'd cross paths. L.A. was a big city, but made much, much smaller by working in the same industry and having the same group of friends. Fortunately though, Hugh, Jim, and the rest took great pains to not mention him or invite us both to the same party or outing. Still, it was unsettling to know he was only a handful of miles away. He was in our old stomping grounds and hanging with our old gang, I couldn't help but wonder if he was just as conscious of my close proximity as I was of his.
~
Fourth of July meant the annual barbecue blowout at Hugh's place at the beach. He had a small bungalow down in Newport that he'd bought as an "investment property", and was slowly in the process of fixing up. Ever since he'd finished his degree in business, he'd been buying properties, rehabbing them, and selling them for a profit. A year earlier, he'd taken his earnings and started his own property development company, and was building an apartment complex in the Orange County area. Hugh had always been smart and motivated, and it seemed to be paying off as I noticed the brand new Porsche in the driveway when Kelly and I arrived for the festivities.
"Ladies!" our host called out from the open doorway. "You like my new baby? Only seventy-eight more payments to go and she's all mine."
"Only seventy-eight?" I chuckled as I gave him a hug. "Does that mean you'll let me take it out for a spin?"
"I love ya Lei...but no. Only I and I alone have the honor." He leaned in conspiratorially. "Actually, you know I would, but I haven't let Britt drive it yet, and that would just create a whole shit storm if I let someone else drive my car and not her."
Britt was Hugh's girlfriend of over a year, and she was nothing if not prone to shit storms. She was blond with fake boobs and a fake tan, but Hugh was smitten. Or at least in lust. I loved Hugh, but it seemed like Britt's interest in Hugh lay in his checkbook more than his fun personality and good heart. Plus, she didn't hide the fact that she didn't like Hugh's old high school group, especially me. Kelly and Mel agreed that Britt was jealous and convinced I had designs of my own on Hugh. That thought made me laugh out loud.
"Oh my god! Leila, Kelly!" Mel came running out of nowhere and flung herself at us.
To my joy, and everyone else's, Mel and Jim had gotten married after she'd finished college. She was now in her second year as a kindergarten teacher while Jim was still in medical school studying, to no one's surprise, psychiatry.
Hugh left us to our hugs and enthusiastic hello's as the three of us girls talked over each other as we entered the house. Even though the three of us hung out a lot, you'd never know it by how excited we acted when we got together. God I loved these girls.
Mel was just giving us a rundown of who was at the party, when a voice dripping with disdain spoke up from behind us. "Oh goody, so glad you and Kelly could join us Leila."
Rolling our eyes at each other, reluctantly we turned to see Hugh's girlfriend Brittany standing behind us wearing the skimpiest bikini possible without actually being naked. The chick thrived on attention.
"Oh hey Britt, thanks for having us." I tried to be nice, at least for Hugh's sake.
"Yeah well, Hugh insisted that you join us." Before I could take exception to her rudeness, she continued on. "Anyway, drinks and food are in the kitchen and everyone's out back."
She teetered off in her stripper heels, and the three of us tried hard to hold back our snickers of amusement as we headed towards the kitchen. Loud welcomes greeted us as we made our way in, followed by more hugging. I was thrilled to see that Ron had come, and a bunch of the Downey crew were there including Mike and Jim of course, plus a number of other friends from Hugh's college days and business dealings. The guys definitely outnumbered the girls, and I had a sneaking suspicion that Britt did that intentionally so that she'd have plenty of male eyes on her. Still, it was great to see so many familiar faces as I made my way to the makeshift bar. Reaching for a beer in one of the coolers, my hand collided with a much larger one reaching for the same beer. Looking up, I came face to face with some guy I didn't know.
"Sorry." I jumped back startled and my cheeks flushed with embarrassment.
"No worries." He stared at me for a moment before catching himself as he gave a friendly smile and held out the disputed bottle. "Here, you take it."
"Thanks, but I don't wanna put you out."
He reached back into the cooler and pulled out another beverage. "Nope, see I have mine and you have yours, everyone's happy. No need for fisticuffs," he added cheekily.
I took the beer and popped off the cap before taking a long drink. Looking back at the guy, I gave a sassy smile of my own. "Well that's a relief for you, I woulda wiped the floor with yer ass."
With that, I sauntered away, but his laughter followed me as I headed outside to the beach.
Kelly caught me at the backdoor. "Who was that?"
She was looking over my shoulder, but I dragged her along so we wouldn't be obvious. "Just some guy."
"He's really cute." She kept looking back as I half dragged her to where everyone was lounging in the sand beyond Hugh's backyard. "And you made an impression cuz he's following us."
"Stop staring Kel!" I muttered. "I don't want him to think I'm interested."
"Why not? He's super cute and it's pretty obvious he's into you."
I rolled my eyes, but she was too busy planning my wedding in her head to notice.
"Because, today is just about hanging out with friends and the last thing I need is to be thinking about is men."
Kel opened her mouth to argue and then promptly closed it. "Fine, today is about friends, not men. Got it," she agreed reluctantly before raising a mischievous eyebrow. "What about men friends, can we talk about them? Or friends that are men? Or men that are friendly—"
I wacked her with my beach bag and she let out an expletive before chasing me out onto the sand. I gave her a run for her money before dropping down on a blanket next to Mel. Kel sat down next to me breathing hard and we dissolved into laughter. Many minutes went by before we could catch our breath.
Standing back up, I was about to remove my shorts and t-shirt so I could sunbathe in the bikini I'd worn underneath, when Kelly's voice stopped me. "Ooh baby, take it off."
She was snickering loudly and I just shook my head in amusement. Slowly, I peeled off my shirt while Kel and Mel hooted at me. Once it was off, I wadded it up and fast-balled it into Kelly's face. We were all laughing hard and so I made a big show of shimmying out of my cut-offs before flinging them into a surprised Mel's face. We were still giggling when I realized too late that we had an audience. The guy from earlier was watching my whole ridiculous performance, and suddenly I felt incredibly self-conscious as he stared intently. Dropping down between my two friends, I stretched out on my back and pretended like I hadn't seen him staring. Of course, nothing got past Kelly.
"Ooooh Leeeeeeilaaaa." I wanted to whack her upside the head when I heard the singsong tone in her voice. "Yer new friend just got an eyeful. He's hook, line, and sunk now."
"Wait who?" Melissa asked eagerly from my right. "What new friend?"
"See that total hottie over there? In the blue shirt and white shorts?" I could hear the glee in Kelly's voice and I assumed she was pointing the guy out to Mel. "He was totally checking out Lei just now...and they had a moment inside."
"Ooo, a moment huh?"
"No Mel, not you too," I groaned from where I lay between the two of them. "One matchmaker is bad enough."
The girls shushed me and it was pointless to try and dissuade them. I knew they had my best interest at heart, but they couldn't understand how hard it was to even show up today. I loved my friends, I'd known them for most of my life and they were incredibly dear to me, but being with them made me think too much about James and all the good times we had growing up. All the special memories...were impossible to escape. The new life I'd created was completely void of James, but being with our friends just reminded me of what I'd lost. I didn't want them to know though. I knew they'd feel terrible, and I didn't want their pity and I didn't want to make things weird. Eventually the two girls moved on to other topics and I was able to breathe easier.
After a couple hours of sunbathing, I decided to cool off and headed down to the water's edge. Wading in, I was glad for a moment of solitude and let down my guard as tears trickled down my cheeks. Two fucking years! You'd think I'd be beyond crying by now.
"I'd ask you how yer doin' Lei Lei, but I think those tears are my answer."
Ron caught me by surprise as he came up next to me. I reached up to wipe away the evidence but hesitated. What was the point, he'd already seen them.
"I was hopin' to sneak away and get them out of my system with no one the wiser." I smiled guiltily.
Ron returned my smile but I could see sadness lurking in his eyes. He'd been shocked at my breakup with James. Having been there from almost the very beginning of the James and Leila saga, he'd been certain we were meant to last forever. Like me, he couldn't wrap his brain around James' behavior.
"I know you put on a brave face for everyone else...but this has to be hard."
"So fuckin' hard. I see the whole gang and we're all together like always, except...except—"
"Except James."
"I just refer to him as 'The Asshole'."
Ron smiled at that and nodded. "I'm on board with calling him that too."
My smile widened at his show of solidarity. Looking back out to the ocean, I closed my eyes for a moment and let the wind dry my tears.
"I wish I were farther along Ronnie," I murmured quietly. "I wish I were healed already and living a full life like I should. Instead, I spend all my time keeping super busy so that I don't have time to think about what I'm missing, and the rest of the time, I'm just pretending like I'm not only half alive. What he took from me...I don't think I'll ever get it back."
Ron wrapped an arm around my shoulders comfortingly, and we stood looking out at the water for a long time.
Eventually we headed back and I forced myself to socialize with the other guests, though I intentionally gave the guy from earlier a wide berth. Just when I was starting to have a genuinely good time, I happened to notice Britt's behavior. She was flirting up a storm with a couple of guys and fawning all over them in plain view of Hugh. The guys didn't seem to mind as she pushed her tits against them and made a big show out of caressing their muscles as she batted her big fake lashes. I could see that Hugh was mortified, but what could he do without causing a scene? Well I sure as hell could do something.
The sun was sinking into the ocean and someone had gotten a bonfire going.
"Hey Hugh!" I shouted loudly, intentionally drawing attention to myself. "Grab a couple guitars and we'll do some songs."
Just as I expected, Britt was completely against the idea. She hated when we played since she didn't have the spotlight on her and she was completely tone deaf.
"Oh no honey, not that." Reluctantly, she moved away from her two admirers so that she could go whine at her boyfriend instead. "I mean, not everyone is into a sing-along, it's so, so...old fashion."
"I think it's an awesome idea!" Kelly piped up, her eyes twinkling merrily as my plan gained steam.
Mel chimed in in agreement, and then Jim, and then Ron, and then pretty much the entire party. Britt was outvoted and she was steaming mad, though she tried to hide it behind a fake smile as we all grabbed blankets and beach towels and settled in around the fire. Hugh handed me one of his extra guitars and we spent the next hour fielding requests and laughing our way through a group sing.
There was a lull as we recovered from a completely ridiculous rendition of Bohemian Rhapsody, when the beer guy from earlier called out a request.
"I wanna hear Leila do a song." He raised an eyebrow at me. "Hugh says you have a phenomenal voice and I wanna see if he's right."
The gauntlet had been thrown down and I didn't walk away from a challenge. I think he guessed that about me as he continued to smile in my direction, a sparkle of amusement in his eyes.
Smiling back in acceptance of his challenge, I was about to ask what song he wanted to hear, when Britt spoke up. "Do a love song Leila. Do something romantic."
Bitch knew exactly what she was doing.
"Sure...I can do that."
I pretended like it wasn't going to kill me to sing about love on a day when I was already surrounded by memories that were pressing down on me painfully.
I strummed the guitar a couple times to find the right key for I Want to Know What Love is. Taking a deep breath, I started to play. Hugh added his guitar and then I began to sing.
I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older
I could hear the emotion in my voice, there was no way to mask it and no way to avoid it. Instead, I used it to add poignancy to my singing.
In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life
I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me
I let the words and sentiment of the song wash over and through me, releasing some of the pain that had been stirring below the surface all day. When the chorus came around a second time, almost everyone joined in, and I recognized, from my friends at least, it was their way of being supportive and it was incredibly humbling. Looking around the circle, I smiled at each of them, Hugh, Mike, Kelly, Ron, Jim, Mel, and took comfort and strength from their show of love.
We finished the song and there was a huge swell of clapping and shouts of approval. I caught beer guy's eye, and he was shaking his head in amazement and then pretended to genuflect low in my direction. I laughed and let out a sigh of relief that I hadn't embarrassed myself. The group started throwing out more songs to sing.
"Hey, let's do something with more balls, how 'bout a Metallica song?" shouted a guy I didn't recognize. "I dunno if you know who they are, but they're totally badass. Maybe something slower like Fade to Black?"
I felt the color drain from my face.
"Oh my god Keith," Britt squealed gleefully at the guy, "don't you know? Hugh grew up with those guys and Ron was in the band."
"What? No fuckin' way!"
It was clear that Keith and a number of other people around the fire had no idea of our shared history with the Met boys.
"Yeah," Ron was trying to downplay it as he shot me worried looks, "but that was a long time ago, we were kids and—"
"Whatever," Britt dismissed him bitchily. "We literally were just hanging out with all of them a couple months ago." I clenched my hands tight as she continued; it was clear she loved having a captivated audience. "They were in town to record their next album and so like of course they wanted to catch up with their good friend Hugh." My stomach churned as she threw him a fake smile for show. "Hugh and James, that's James Hetfield, the lead singer...well anyway, he and Hugh were like best friends growing up."
"Wow dude, Hugh, that's awesome!" someone called out from the circle.
I was staring hard at the ground, trying to keep it together as Britt completely rewrote our history with Jamie. I could feel sympathetic eyes on me but I didn't say anything. I wouldn't give Britt the satisfaction of making a scene.
"I wasn't James' best friend," Hugh started to correct her, "that would be—"
"Anyway," Britt cut him off, "we totally hung out with James. He even came down here one night for dinner." She paused for a moment and I made the mistake of looking at her as she went in for the kill. "He brought his new girlfriend and she is such a sweetheart. They make the cutest couple."
All the air went out of my lungs in an instant.
"Shut up Britt!" Hugh growled angrily. "I told you not to bring it up tonight."
"Oh shit, that's right." She turned to me with a fake apologetic smile. "Sorry Leila, I totally forgot you guys used to go out or something."
All eyes were on me, but I was barely aware as I tried to breathe.
"Yo Hugh!" Mike shouted out, drawing the focus away from me. "Play Freebird!"
The group laughed and Hugh struck up the Skynyrd song quickly. Vaguely, I was aware that Ron had taken the guitar out of my slack hands so he could accompany the group, and I knew they were all trying to cover for me, give me a moment to collect myself. I don't think enough time existed for me to wrap my brain around what I'd just learned.
Jamie had moved on to someone else.
I didn't realize I was trembling until Kelly reached a hand out to grip mine tightly. I looked at her and her eyes deepened with compassion as she caught the palpable pain on my face.
"Come on, let get me you outta here," she murmured softly.
"No." I was able to speak even though I was completely numb. "Just give me a minute."
She nodded and I sat there silently staring into the fire while Britt's words sank further into my brain...and then to my heart. Images of James and his new girl flashed in my mind, and an excruciating ache began to grow in my chest and I knew I wouldn't last a minute longer. Moving to get up, Kel looked at me questioningly and I made a motion for her to stay put. I could see she wanted to argue, but she wouldn't make a scene and draw attention when I least wanted it. Somehow I made it into the house, even though my legs were shaking badly. Making a beeline for the bar, I poured a shot of tequila and downed it quickly. Two more followed in quick succession.
I was pouring a fourth when a voice from behind startled me. "Do you think that's a good idea?"
I recognized the voice belonging to beer guy from earlier.
"It's a fan-fuckin-tasic idea." Already the alcohol was hitting my bloodstream just like I'd hoped.
He came over to stand next to me and gently took the bottle out of my hands. I didn't put up a fight though part of me wanted to tell him to go away. I knew that booze wasn't the answer, it never was, but I just wanted to not feel for a little while. At least until the pain passed. Though it seemed that that day would never come.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" I could hear the sincerity in his voice. "I could tell that Britt's words hit you pretty hard, which is what she was aiming for. That was really crappy on her part, but you did great not rising to her bait."
I appreciated his attempt to engage me in conversation, but I didn't feel like talking. Suddenly I felt reckless, though it was more the alcohol and anger talking. I needed something stronger than tequila to wipe Jamie and his new girl from my mind.
"Let's get outta here."
He stopped talking immediately and stared at me in surprise. "You wanna leave? With me?"
"Yeah, I need to get outta here. Do you have a car?"
He looked torn between willing and uneasy. "Look, I really wanna but...I don't want you or anyone else to think I'm takin' advantage of you. You just got shitty news and you've been drink—"
"Yer not takin' advantage of me," I interrupted, "if it's my idea to spend time with you..."
Pausing, I realized I didn't know his name.
"Matt," he supplied.
"Right, Matt, ok. Where was I? Oh yeah...no one makes me do what I don't wanna. And right now, I wanna get outta here with you. Matt." He still looked uncertain, so I tried honesty. "Look, I just need to get away from everything that reminds me of him, and be around someone who has no connection to my past. And right now, that's you. Please, just take me for a drive and talk to me about anything. I feel like I'm gonna bust outta my skin and I don't wanna give Britt the satisfaction and I don't wanna put my friends through watching me hurt."
His brow line furrowed in sympathy. "Yeah...yeah of course I'll take you for a drive, wherever you wanna go."
His genuine show of kindness almost did me in; tears were just at the edges of my eyes and it wouldn't take much. Nodding my thanks, I left a note for Kelly since I didn't want to deal with her trying to talk me out of leaving with a complete stranger. She'd say I was being irresponsible and running away from my pain. She was right of course, but I didn't want to hear it.
We drove with the top down on Matt's restored '65 Mustang convertible as we wound our way back north along the Pacific. Thankfully he kept up the bulk of the conversation as I was still too much in shock to offer much. Mostly I just let his words wash over me as I closed my eyes and let the wind brush away my tears.
After an hour, I felt the car come to a stop and opened my eyes only to gasp in surprise. All of L.A. lay below us from our vantage point in the mountains above Hollywood, with twinkling lights from buildings and street lights spread out as far as the eye could see. I hadn't been up here since my high school days, but the beauty of the vista managed to outweigh the sadness that went with those memories. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Matt looking at me uncertainly.
"This is exactly what I needed," I assured him softly as I gazed at the city.
I could see him smile as he also turned to look at the view. We talked quietly then, mostly Matt again, he told me all about his life and I just listened, forcing myself to not think about James. Matt was a Hollywood kid raised behind the black iron gates and rolling lawns of Beverly Hills. His dad was a well-established movie producer and his mom had been the man's secretary before becoming wife number two. Not surprisingly, he wanted to direct and had gone to school at UCLA which is where he'd met Hugh. He was surprisingly grounded and unpretentious considering his upbringing and I felt comfortable with him. So comfortable in fact, that when there was a lull in the conversation, I actually got up the nerve to ask for another favor.
"Matt"—I turned to look at him and took a breath before I lost my nerve—"would...would you kiss me?"
"Leila..." His hands clenched the steering wheel tight, and I assumed from discomfort over my request.
"I'm sorry!" I immediately apologized, my face flushed with embarrassment. "That's a terrible thing to ask, I mean, why would you even want to kiss a basket case like me in the first place—"
"Are you kidding me?" he interrupted quickly. "Kissing you is all I've thought about since I first saw you back at Hugh's."
"Really?"
"God yes! Do you know how rare it is in L.A. to meet an unbelievably gorgeous girl who doesn't give two shits about how beautiful she is? There are a million Britt's in this town trading on their looks to get what they want, and then I see you, and everything about you is real and genuine. Everything a chick like Britt wishes she could be and will never be."
"But...but I did take advantage of you." I felt like he was being far too fair. "I knew you were interested in me and I twisted yer arm to take me for a ride and...and now I just inappropriately propositioned you."
"You didn't twist my arm Leila, you asked me for help and you were straight about your reasons why. And...it's only inappropriate if I'm not interested."
I looked at him then and could see the desire in his eyes. He leaned towards me slowly, and I forced myself to just focus on him and his eyes and his lips. His mouth touched mine softly and I shuddered a little at the strangeness of being kissed by someone who was not Jamie. He must have mistaken it for passion, because when he pulled back, the fire in his eyes was burning brighter.
"God you taste sweet." Despite my somber mood, I couldn't stop myself from giggling at that and his mouth curved into a wry smile. "Ok, I didn't mean to sound cheesy. Your lips...they taste like sunshine." Now I was giggling harder. "I'm being sincere!"
But then Matt began to laugh too and we sat there and laughed until we were breathless.
Finally, we quieted down and Matt turned to me and leaned closer once more, reaching a hand out to cup my cheek. "I think I should kiss you again, just so you can make a fair assessment of my skills."
I didn't answer, but instead let him settle his lips on mine again. When I didn't resist, he deepened the kiss and pulled me up against him, one arm slipping around my waist. I really tried hard not to think of all of Jamie's kisses. Our first kiss, the in-the-throes-of-sex kisses, his good morning kiss...our last kiss. But they haunted me all the same.
Matt finally pulled back and leaned against his seat sideways to look at me, a satisfied smile hovering around his mouth. I could tell that he thought I was responding to his efforts, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings.
"I would have to evaluate you as...highly skilled." I intentionally infused my words with a light tone. "You've kissed a lot of girls haven't you Matt?"
When he smiled smugly at my assessment, I found myself slightly disappointed. Part of me was hoping he'd be a little more humble.
He's not Jamie Leila. Just stop.
Matt didn't notice any of this though as he kissed me again. It was a little easier to shush the voices in my head this time as he pushed his luck and slipped his tongue into my mouth to tangle with mine. It wasn't awful, it just wasn't right, but I tried my best to be responsive and let my libido take over. When Matt finally came up for air he was breathing heavy, and I knew he wanted to go further. All I had to do was ask.
"I...I haven't been with anyone else since"—I couldn't say his name out loud, it would destroy my fragile resolve—"but it's time. I need to move on...and I hope you'll help me. I'll understand if you don't—"
"Don't what? Don't wanna take you back to my place and make you forget that you ever gave two shits about that other guy?" He gazed at me fervently. "That's exactly what I wanna do. Come home with me tonight Leila...let me make you forget."
Let go Leila. He's moved on and he's never coming back.
"Ok Matt...take me to yer place."
~
I could tell it was still early in the morning as I stared at the dim sunlight reflecting off the bedroom wall of Matt's Hollywood condo. From the soft sounds of snoring coming from the other side of the bed behind me, it was clear that he was still asleep. Which was good, I couldn't face him yet. Hell, I couldn't face me yet.
Last night had been a necessary evil. I never thought I'd refer to sex in that manner, but in some ways I had to look at it clinically, from a distance. Matt was the sacrificial lamb, and though it didn't sit well with me that I had used him, unless I planned on being celibate for the rest of my life, it was always going to have to be someone. And he'd actually been exactly the right person to be with for my first time out. He was skilled and took pride in bringing pleasure to a woman, doubling down on his efforts to make me forget my previous experiences. I couldn't lie and say that it hadn't felt good, it had. But every touch of his hand, every brush of his lips across my skin, every murmured endearment in my ear was just...wrong. Sex with Matt had been exactly that, sex. I realized now that I'd only ever made love; I understood that difference this morning with perfect clarity. The logistics were pretty much the same; the parts, the movements, involuntary responses to pleasure, but there was an entire other level missing from what I'd had with Jamie. I had always just assumed that it was all part of having sex, but we'd never had just sex, even when we were fucking each other's brains out, we'd always, always, been making love.
Well I had been at least.
I had tried hard to let go, but Jamie was there with me every step of the way, in my head, whispering to me, calling to me. When we were finished and I heard Matt's breathing deepen into sleep, I rolled onto my side and let the tears come, silently weeping for a past that wouldn't set me free. Somewhere out there James was loving someone else, and here I was crying over one night of meaningless sex between two consenting adults. I was still broken. I didn't want to be, I didn't want to miss him and our life together.
Sighing deeply, I carefully slipped out of the bed and proceeded to get dressed. Matt was still out cold and I had to fight the impulse to flee. I wanted to leave, I wanted to sneak away and never have to face him, but I couldn't be a coward. I owed it to him to say goodbye and thank him for helping me. Even though it wasn't like I was cured of James' hold on me—just the opposite—at least now I had a clearer understanding of what I needed.
"Hey," came a rough voice from the bed. 'You're dressed."
I was so lost in thought, I hadn't noticed Matt waking up. I got the feeling he was usually the one sneaking out at dawn and not the other way around.
"Yeah, I wanted to get back home before my roommate sends out the cops to look for me."
Flashing him a regretful smile, I hoped it would take some of the sting out of my leaving. Instead, his eyes darkened with desire and he reached for me. He seemed disconcerted as I moved beyond his grasp.
"Look, I wanted to say thanks for last night." I jumped in before he could speak, hoping to avoid any attempts on his part to get me back into bed.
"I should be thanking you." His forehead smoothed as he gave a lazy smile. "Last night was incredible."
"Yeah it was." I avoided his gaze by pretending to look for my sandals. "Really great."
The bed covers rustled as I heard him sit up. "Hey, why don't I get dressed and I'll take you out to breakfast and then drive you home?"
He was being really nice, but I couldn't take another five minutes in his company much less hours. It wasn't personal and through no fault of his own, he represented everything that was hurting me. He wasn't Jamie, he wasn't my salvation...instead, he was my failed attempt to move on.
"That's so great of you to offer, but I'm not really hungry. I'll just catch a cab."
His face darkened with confusion. "Did...did I do something wrong Leila? Are you regretting what happened last night?"
I couldn't put that guilt on him. Everything that was fucked up about last night and this morning...it was all on me and me alone.
Sitting down on the bed, I leaned forward and gave him a soft kiss on the lips before pulling back to look at him. "Last night...last night was exactly what I needed, thank you." It was the truth, from a certain angle.
I smiled at him sincerely and he reached out fingers to stroke my cheek. The small gesture was so much like Jamie, a crushing weight pushed down on my chest. For a moment, I thought I would lose it.
"I'm not gonna hear from you again am I?"
I shook my head and the smile on his face dimmed. Getting off the bed, I crossed the room and was about to head out to the front door when Matt's voice stopped me.
"Leila." I turned to look back at him and he had a pensive expression on his face. "It's obvious this guy hurt you really bad." I nodded at his words and he continued, "But I can say with absolute certainty, that whatever his reason, it has nothing to do with you. Because I just spent the last twelve hours with you, and I can't think of a single reason why he wouldn't want to spend every day of his life making you happy."
His words were so sweet and so poignant, all I could so was flash him a grateful smile before heading out to catch a cab, tears blurring my vision.
~
I opened the door of the apartment as quietly as I could, but Kel's dog Chachi heard me anyway. He was getting on in years but his hearing was still acute as he let out a sharp bark.
"Shhh, quiet Chach!" I whispered at him loudly.
Recognizing my voice, he came right over, his tail wagging so hard I thought for sure he'd knock me over. Kel had convinced me to let him come live with us when she moved in a year ago, and though at first I resisted, he turned out to be a great watch dog and an even better companion on my long walks on the beach. He was especially helpful at barking and growling at guys who tried to get too close.
"Leila!" came Kelly's voice from the back of the house.
"Bad Chachi," I scolded halfheartedly as he just grinned up at me, his tongue lolling playfully out of his mouth.
Kelly came out of her room, wrapping a robe around herself before wrapping me in a hug. "I should be pissed at you, but I'm just so glad to see you in one piece right now."
I could hear the worry in her voice and instantly felt ten times worse for scaring her. "I'm sorry for bolting like that...I...I just felt like I was gonna explode if I didn't get outta there."
She pulled back to look at me, and though I could see she had a million questions, she gave me breathing room. "How's about you take a shower and change and I'll make some breakfast. We can talk after if you wanna."
"That...that sounds really good."
I headed into the bathroom and peeled off the clothes I'd been wearing since yesterday. Stepping into the shower, suddenly I was seized by the need to wash the evidence of the night's activities completely off my body. I scrubbed my skin until it was pink, and still I felt tainted somehow. Standing under the spray for a long time, I let my tears mix with the water.
Putting on clean clothes, I went back out to the kitchen where Kel was putting out scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. I picked at the eggs and toast but managed a few swallows of coffee while Kel ate her meal glancing at me worriedly as I poked at my food. Once we were done, as if by some unspoken agreement, we grabbed our coffees and went out to sit on the couch. Chachi snuggled up against me; I guess he must have sensed that I needed extra love.
"Are...are you ok?" Kelly finally asked hesitantly.
"Yes and no." I took a breath before looking her in the face. "I...I had sex last night with Matt."
"Oh."
I could tell she wasn't sure if it was a good thing or bad thing. I was still trying to figure that out myself.
"Hearing about Jamie and his new...his new..." I couldn't even get the words out. "Anyway, I just had to get out of there....it hurt so much Kel." My voice started to shake. "So fuckin' bad."
"I know hon, I know that completely blindsided you."
"Yeah well, I figured that maybe it was just the universe tellin' me to get over myself and move on." I shook my head in frustration. "So Matt was there and he was bein' so nice and...I...I asked him to sleep with me."
"I can't imagine he turned you down."
"No...I mean he was great about it. He was really into it."
"I bet."
"No, I mean...he understood I was tryin' to move on and he was really patient and sweet."
"So you enjoyed yerself then...it was a good thing?"
I could see the hopefulness on Kel's face, and for a moment, I thought about saying yes just so she wouldn't worry about me anymore.
"No...it wasn't." I took another shuddering breath. "I mean sure, it felt good. But I realize now that for me...sex is about love. I wanna be with someone...like that...because it's a natural extension of what we feel for each other." I stopped again and squeezed back tears. "What I had with Jamie...that's what I need to feel...about someone else."
Kelly nodded her head and reached over to take my hand. "At least you recognize that about yerself now. I...I know I've been pushin' you to go out and meet guys and date like most people do when they're rebounding...but I guess that strategy doesn't work for everyone."
I shook my head sadly. "I...I think I just need more time. I thought that with what he did...he...he hurt me so bad, you'd think I'd just get over him already ya know?"
Kelly nodded sympathetically. "The first time I went through a break-up, my mom told me that the amount of time it takes to heal says a lot about how in love you were with that person. My first boyfriend was about two weeks of moping, Ron was about three months, and Patrick was probably a good six months or so before I felt like I was ready to move on."
"I'm not sure what the equation would be for James and me. Never?"
She made a face at that. "Look, let's agree to not have any more expectations about how long this is gonna take ok? Someday when you're ready, you'll know. And until then, just keep taking it one day at a time."
I felt a surge of gratitude for Kel's patience and understanding. Leaning over, I gave her a big hug with Chachi happily squished between us.
Sitting back, I felt better but still had some niggling guilt about the previous night. "I still feel like a bit an asshole though...for using Matt. Honestly, I'm no better than Britt using her tits and ass to get what she wants."
"Are you kidding me? Britt uses her body to get attention and money...you...you wanted sex. Every guy on the planet wants sex! You gave him exactly he wanted." Her shoulders relaxed then and her lips stretched into a satisfied smile. "By the way, you'll be happy to know Hugh had a huge fight with Britt and tossed her out on her ass. It was totally awesome!" Kelly chortled.
"Wait, what? What happened?"
"After you left, Hugh blew up at her. He finally really saw her for what she was. And it wasn't just because of what she did to you, though he was royally pissed about that, everyone was. I think he just got tired of making excuses for her bullshit and saw how she was using him."
"Wow, I'm not gonna lie, I kinda wished I'd been around to see that."
"I dunno, if you'd heard all the crap she was sayin' about you, the whole gang, you probably woulda slammed her onto her ass."
"Yeah probably. Though...it woulda felt real good to do it."
We laughed a little at that image and then Kel gave me a sideways look. "After she left and things calmed down, Hugh, Jim, Mel and I went back out to the fire and talked a bit. None of us wanted to leave Hugh alone after going through that, but he actually seemed to be surprisingly ok with her bein' gone. He wasn't in love...thank god. Anyway, he was more worried about you...we all were. So I asked him...I asked him what the deal was with James and this new chick."
My stomach clenched tight in agony at the thought of the two of them. "No Kel, I don't wanna hear about how he's in love and his life is lollipops and rainbows without me. I'd rather not hear anything at all than to hear that. Please, don't—"
She put a hand on my arm to stop me. "Hon, you know I would never bring this up if I thought it'd make things worse. It's just, I know how much it's hurting you thinkin' he's with someone else—"
"Then why would you bring it up?" I could hear the pain in my voice.
"Because you're already thinkin' the worse, that she's somehow the love of his life and it's killin' you. I don't want you tearin' yerself up imagining that's he happier than he's ever been, that he's happier than he was with you. Because he's not."
I looked to Kel quickly, my eyes widening with surprise at the revelation. A momentary surge of euphoric joy burst in my chest, but I looked away quickly before she could see it, tamping down hard against letting myself read into her words.
"He...he's not?"
"Hugh, Jim and Mel told me everything."
"Wait, Mel was there?"
"Yeah, they came not realizing James was bringing company. Mel didn't say anything because she wasn't sure if it would help you or hurt you."
"Oh."
"Look, so Hugh had seen James and Lars a few times and wanted them to check out his house. He invited them for a barbeque and when they showed up, there was some chick with them. James did not want her coming in the first place, but according to the guys, she threw a hissy fit, practically throwing herself into the car, so they let her come. James was super embarrassed and uncomfortable about her tagging along, and according to Mel, he ignored her the entire time. She is not his girlfriend. Not even close. She's just some random girl he met down here and they'd been kind of hanging out. He is in no way serious about her."
She paused to catch her breath while I tried to calm the trembling in my limbs. Part of me was far more relieved than I had a right to be that they weren't serious, but another part of me was still gutted, I knew what "hanging" out meant.
Kel caught the distress on my face and immediately reached out to squeeze my hand consolingly. "I'm sorry Leila, I guess when it comes to talking about James, there's no way around not hurting you in some way."
I smiled wanly. "I know I couldn't expect that he'd be celibate after we broke up. For fucks sake, we broke up because the asshole couldn't keep his dick in his pants. Still...I guess wanted to pretend that maybe he'd pine for me and never look at another girl again."
"I wish that were true hon. He deserves to spend the rest of his life in celibate misery wishing he could win you back."
"Unfortunately, it looks like I'll be the celibate one while he does whatever...or whoever...he wants."
"Yeah, well that's a guy for ya," Kelly commiserated. "They mend a lot faster than we do. Though—" She stopped abruptly as if she let something slip she hadn't meant to.
"What?" She was avoiding my gaze. "What aren't you tellin' me Kel?"
At first she seemed like maybe she'd hold out but then gave in, the reluctance on her face obvious. "Mel said something." Kelly hesitated. "She said that James seemed...sad. Like it was hittin' him hard that you weren't there."
My heart fluttered to life for a brief moment before reality set back in. "I...I think Mel has a generous heart and is reading way too much into it," I countered quietly.
We were silent for a few moments until Kelly spoke up. "Anyway, I figured you'd wanna know the truth."
"Thanks. I guess if I'd known all this last night, I probably wouldn't have taken off with Matt. Maybe it's good I didn't know the real situation." I forced a smile to my face. "A step forward right?"
Kelly lifted up her coffee mug and clinked it with mine, meeting my smile with a determined one of her own. "Hell yeah to moving forward."
~
I tried to make that my motto over the next year. It was actually easier to think about moving forward now that I'd taken the pressure off myself by not dating anymore. I had room to breathe and just focus on my career and friends rather than finding the perfect man to replace Jamie. I couldn't replace him, I understood that now. I needed to let things happen naturally when I was ready. Until then, my life was pretty fulfilling.
Kelly and I continued to live together with Chachi being the lone male in the household, which he loved. Though his reign as the only male to hold sway over Kel's heart took a hit when she started dating someone she'd met through mutual friends in the fall of '88. Adrian was a great guy, and I had to admit, they were really wonderful together. She had a glow about her all the time and I suspected, though I never asked, that Adrian might be the one. I'd never seen her so happy, and he treated her with all of the adoration and devotion she deserved. I had a sneaking suspicion that it would only be a matter of time before I lost my roommate.
As it happened, I didn't have to worry about living alone in the duplex, which, with Hugh's guidance, I'd gone ahead and purchased as an investment. I was still working doing studio vocals and singing with the band, when one night in the summer of 1989, while performing for a private party for a bunch of record industry types, I got an unexpected offer that would change everything.
The band was taking a brief break and I'd made my way to the nearest bar to grab a bottle of water. Suddenly there was a tap on my shoulder and I tamped down on the impulse to ignore whoever was behind me. I got hit on a lot when I played with the band, and it was times like these I almost wished I had Jamie there pretending to be my fake boyfriend again. Almost.
Thoughts of Jamie tempered my mood as I turned and came face to face with the lead singer of Aerosmith.
Holy shit! Steven frickin' Tyler is standing right in front of me!
He observed me with a bemused expression on his face as he watched the myriad of expressions cross mine. Pulling myself together quickly, I flashed him a sheepish smile, hoping I'd somehow masked my momentary fan hysteria.
"I'm Steven." Surprisingly, he held out a hand.
"Leila," I responded, taking the offered hand and giving it a firm shake.
He cocked his head to one side and gave a charming smile. "I know. I asked about you."
"You did?"
"Yeah, one of the guys in your band gave me your name. I wanted to come over and introduce myself to you personally."
I'd been hit on by plenty of celebrities during my time in L.A., and it was usually as awkward when I turned them down as you think it would be. I steeled myself for whatever was coming next.
"Um...ok. Nice to meet you...but I've gotta get back to start the next set."
His smile grew wider. "Thank the fuckin' stars for that!" I could hear the relief in his voice and I stared at him in confusion; he quickly jumped to explain. "Sorry, lemme start over so you don't think I'm a crazy person. Ok, not always a crazy person," he amended with a smirk. "I heard you sing tonight and you have a really, really, special voice Leila. We're starting a tour in the fall, rehearsals begin in a couple weeks, and I want you...no, I need you...to come sing back-up for me."
I stared at him in shock. "Wha....huh?"
He laughed at the look on my face. "Seriously. You're too fuckin' good to be playing for a bunch of assholes, me included, at some corporate bullshit party. You need to be singin' for thousands every night, breakin' hearts with that voice and that face." He quirked another smile at me. "And making me sound good of course."
Somehow he completely put me at ease.
"Ok, but...me? There have to be a million women who would kill for this."
He shook his head emphatically. "We've auditioned hundreds of girls but haven't been able to fill the spot. I've been lookin' for just the right sound...and yer it. You like singin' blues and rock the most right?" I nodded and he grinned knowingly. "Me too. Your voice was made for that kinda music, like mine was. I fuckin' know we're gonna sound incredible together. Plus...and this is a big plus...you have no interest in me sexually. I could see it on yer face when you thought I was hittin' on ya, and even though yer smokin' hot and it hurts my ego a little knowin' yer not interested, I can't have that kinda shit goin' on, too distracting. "
I'm sure my jaw was inches from the floor, but somehow my brain finally caught up. He'd taken my disinterest earlier, to what I thought was a come-on, as an actual positive instead. How ironic that my broken heart might secure me the chance of a lifetime.
"Yeah, I don't date." My smile slipped a little. "It's...it's not in the cards for me right now."
I could see sympathy reflected in his eyes, but he didn't push me further on the matter.
"I always say that life is the journey...it's not about the destination." He crossed his arms and gave me a shrewd look. "If someone was lookin' for a change, lookin' to get themselves back out on that ride and not waste their time regretting what might have been...then a world tour with the planet's best fuckin' rock and roll band would be just the ticket dontcha think?"
How could I argue with that logic?