Finn stands up in front of the group of our peers, looking to Mr. Schue, "Mr. Schue? I have something to say. Something happened to me and I can't really get into it, but it's shaken me to my core."
Puck looks at me in horror, grabbing my hand tightly, "Oh, my God, he's coming out."
"Called it," I playfully shout, sticking my tongue out at Finn as he gives me the finger.
He pulls himself together again, quickly lifting his head up before continuing his announcement, "Why, yes. There is a man who's sort of recently come into my life and that man is Jesus Christ."
The smile on my face instantly washed away and a surge of disgust and anger washed over me, "That's way worse."
He looks at me, almost shocked by my reaction to his coming to Christ moment. And so does Kaydon, who's sitting beside Mercedes. But Finn moves past it, "And I know there's others in here who dig him too. And so I thought maybe this week we could pay tribute to him in music. You know, pay tribute to Jesus."
"Sorry, uh, but if I wanted to sing about Jesus, I'd go to church. And the reason I don't go to church is because most churches don't think very much of gay people. Or women. Or science," Kurt speaks out, voicing his beliefs and stand point on the matter.
I agree with him, point blank, there are some things that should not be sung or discussed at school. Mercedes shrugs, smiling at Finn then to me to try and reverse my anger, "I don't see anything wrong with getting a little church up in here."
"I agree. I've had a really hard year, and I turned to God a lot for help. I, for one, wouldn't mind saying thanks," Quinn says, pulling her legs into her chair.
I roll my eyes at her comment because she never would of had a 'really hard year' if she followed her religion and stayed a virgin. God's cosmic karma was all she experienced.
Santana must have been reading my thoughts or facial expressions, saying exactly what I was thinking in her own way, "Thanks for what? That it didn't come out a lizard baby?"
Puck yawns, "Whenever I pray, I fall asleep."
Mr. Schue must have liked some part of this suggestion because he sat there not objecting like he typically would, "Well, guys, maybe our song selections don't have to be about Jesus. We could do songs about spirituality."
I groan coincidentally at the same time Puck does, so Finn chooses to direct his attention to his ex-best friend, "You got a problem with Jesus?"
"Oh, I got no problem with the guy. I'm a total Jew for Jesus. He's my number one Hebe. What I don't like seeing is people using J-Money to cramp everybody else's style 'cause it seems to me that true spirituality or whatever you want to call it, is about enjoying the life that you've been given. I see God every time I make out with a new chick."
Kaydon scowls at Puck, not liking or agreeing with Puck's viewpoint, "That doesn't make any sense. In fact, it's stupid."
"Are you calling Mr. Billy Joel stupid? At this time I'd like to continue my streak of doing only songs by Jewish artists," He gets up, picks up a guitar.
Come on, Virginia, don't let me wait
You Catholic girls start much too late
Oh, but sooner or later It comes down to fate I might as well be the one
Well, they showed you a statue
Told you to pray
They built you a temple and locked you away Oh, but they never told you the price that you pay
For things that you might have done
Only the good die young
Whoa-oh, whoa-oh Whoa, whoa, oh
You got a nice white dress
And a party on your confirmation
You got a brand-new soul
Mmm, and a cross of gold
Come on, come on Come on Virginia, don't let me wait
You Catholic girls start much too late
Sooner or later it comes down to fate
I might as well be the one
You know that only the good die young
Tell ya, baby
I got up and started dancing, clapping my hands above my head and swinging my hips, and eventually everyone joins in. When Puck's song was finished he looks to Kaydon like I did when Jesse challenged me with 'Ice Ice'. Kaydon does this sarcastic slow clap, "Yeah, you're still stupid."
Puck looks at me nodding and by the look in his eyes, I knew exactly what he was about to do. He pushes Kaydon back in his chair and Kaydon springs out of the chair, starting to punch Puck. Mr. Schue, Mike and Finn try to separate the boys but they weren't doing any good.
"STOP IT RIGHT NOW!" I bellow about the noise and they obediently separated, straightening their clothing.
I walk inbetween them, seeing that Puck's only injury was a bloody nose whereas Kaydon had a busted lip and a black eye. I slap them both upside the head but after I hit Puck once, I hit Kaydon multiple times. "Why do you have to get in fights with the people I care about. Before you say anything you deserved it, you called him stupid and you don't even know him. Seriously you're making it really hard for me to let you be in my life. You know what please just do me a favor and go back to Texas." I storm out of the room not able to handle anymore time in that room.
After the last bell of the day, Finn and I get a call from Carole. We rush into the choir room with steam coming out of our ears because we're so pissed by the news we'd received moments before. We see Kurt sitting in the front row, looking like crap with bags under his eyes, "What the hell happened?"
He simply looks up at us through his long lashes, not making an effort to move, "My dad's in the hospital."
"We know. My mom just called me," Finn sternly grunts, sitting beside him while I stand there with my arms across my chest.
I'm mad because Kurt of all people knows that Burt is everything I hoped my birth father would be, "I feel like I'm the last one to know and we're best friends."
"I'm sorry, Finn, Lia. It didn't occur to me to call you, because he's not your father," Kurt says callously, knowing that what he just said would hurt both of us, not caring because he too is scared shitless he's going to lose his dad.
I walk to the furthest seat away from him possible, clenching my jaw so tightly it hurt, "You know Kurt, I know what you're going through. You're acting as though I didn't go through that. You at least still have him."
Finn looks at me sadly, wanting to come over and comfort me but he learned earlier this summer that I need a second to cool down first, "Yeah, he's the closest I'm ever going to get, okay? I know it may not look like what everybody else has but I thought we were sort of a family. Look, I guess I just- I didn't like overhearing other people talking about it in gym class."
Mr. Schue walks in and everyone migrates to a seat, "Hey, guys. Our thoughts are all with Kurt and I know it's sort of hard to really focus on anything else."
"Mr. Schue?" Mercedes quietly calls his name.
"Yeah?"
"I've been struggling, trying to figure out what I wanted to say to Kurt all day and I realize I don't want to say it, I want to sing it. And Lia, I want you to listen too because God only knows what you're going through. This song is about being in a very dark place and turning to God. It's a spiritual song, Mr. Schue. Is that okay?"
Our teacher softly smiles, coming to sit next to me, "It's fine."
"Tina, Quinn, can you help me out, please?"
Mercedes (Tina and Quinn):
As I lay me down
Heaven, hear me now
I'm lost without a cause
After giving it my all
Winter storms have come
And darkened my sun
After all that I've been through
Who on earth can I turn to
I look to you (you-ou)
I look to you (you-ou)
After all my strength is gone (is gone)
In you I can be strong (I will be strong)
I look to you
I look to you, oh
And when melodies are gone, yeah
In you I hear a song
I look to you
Ooh
I look to you
Mercedes steps toward Kurt and Mr. Schue grabs my hand to comfort me but I shake off his touch, "Thank you, Mercedes. Your voice is stunning, but I don't believe in God."
Quinn, Tina, Mercedes all look shocked by Kurt's confession, "Wait, what?"
He shrugs, "You've all professed your beliefs. I'm just stating mine. I think God is kind of like Santa Claus for adults. Otherwise, God's kind of a jerk, isn't he? I mean, he makes me gay, and then has his followers going around telling me it's something that I chose as if someone would choose to be mocked every single day of their life. And right now I don't want a heavenly father. I want my real one back."
"But Kurt, how do you know for sure? I mean, you can't prove that there's no God," Mercedes asks, sitting down beside him.
"You can't prove that there isn't a magic teapot floating around on the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it?"
Quinn was getting angry with Kurt as he explained his beliefs or lack thereof, her cheeks darkening as the blood rushed to the surface, "We shouldn't be talking like this. It's not right."
"I'm sorry, Quinn. But you all can believe whatever you want to. But I can't believe something I don't. I appreciate your thoughts but I don't want your prayers," Kurt says grabbing his messenger bag, shouldering it before leaving.
Then everyone turns to me to hear what I have to say about this. Clearly expecting something of similar proportions.
"Y'all have such one track minds. I did believe in God but God took away the one person I had in my life. He let my fearless, brave, strong, smart, beautiful mother die in the line of duty. Leaving me alone because he gave me a deadbeat of a father, who I've never met in my life. So if God has a plan and he loves me, why leave me with nothing?" I scream at them, holding in my tears before sprinting out of the room.
I hear someone's footsteps behind me, calling my name, so I pick up the speed, full force sprinting toward the football field because I just need to get out of the four walls of McKinley.
I run out onto the field and skid to a halt at the 30 yard line, crumbling onto the ground in a sobbing puddle of limbs. I hear someone panting, approaching me but I'm not removing my head from my arms to see who's there. The person sits down, picks me up and cradles me as I silently sob into his shirt. Once I've let out all of the tears I had in my system, I wipe my face off and turn my head to see who's lap I was pulled onto.
It wasn't Finn like I expected, it was Puck. He kindly smiles at me, brushing the hair away from my eyes. "I'm sorry that you're going through this. I know you and your mom were close. Just know I'm here for you if you need anything, and why didn't you tell anyone besides Finn you're mom died this summer?" He coos in my ear softly, making me want to fall asleep as his words melodically string toward like a melancholy lullaby.
I scoot off of his lap, sniffing away the tears that threatened to fall, "Because it was too painful. Carole took me in when I needed a place to stay because my landlord found out I was the only person in my apartment. I miss her, Noah. I miss her more than anything."
Against my better judgement and will, I cry into his shoulder. He sits there stroking my hair until I've stopped crying again. We silently get up, he grabs my bag for me before wrapping his strong arm around my shoulder.
Even though I sorta hate him half the time and he's a douche canoe the other half the time, he's kind and sweet when he cares for you. I guess he isn't really that bad.
When we get to the locker room for practice, Kaydon stops us at the door before I could go change in the girls locker room. I was literally about to tell him to get out of my way when he cuts me off, "I just wanted to apologize for everything. It wasn't cool of me to pick a fight with you Puck. I'm just jealous that you have a place in Lia's life now and I don't. Even the fact that you know her better than I do but Finn knows her better than all of us and I knew that if I had even laid a finger on him she would kill me. I'm sorry dude and Lia I'm sorry for everything. I know that when you look at me you just wanna punch something because you're reminded of all the times we had with your mom. I'll respect your wishes and stay away until you want me back in your life." Before either of us could get a word out he walks away, leaving Puck and I standing there with our jaws dropped.
As the week progressed towards Friday night's game I've found a new hiding spot, thinking spot, on top of the lockers on the far wall near Coach Beiste's office. I'm sitting there listening to Finn pray to a grilled cheese sandwich he calls Grilled Cheesus when Puck walks in, not seeing me perched above watching them, "What are you doing?"
Finn scrambles to his feet, stopping in the middle of his prayer, "Nothing. Eating. So I pray before I eat now. What's the big deal? You're not gonna tell anybody about this, are you?"
Puck shakes his head, giving Finn a goofy crooked smile, "No. It's cool. To tell you the truth, I actually went to temple with my Nana yesterday. I know it makes me a wuss, but I'm bummed about Kurt's dad. And I'm worried about Lia, she's going through a harder time than Kurt and she's been so strong about it. I've kinda been praying for them. I know how hard it is not to have a father, y'know? What do you pray for?"
Awww, Puck's praying for me. Even though I don't even know if I believe in that stuff anymore, it makes my heart happy knowing someone cares about me enough to take time in their prayers to ask Him to help me.
Finn smiles at Puck for his thoughtfulness, "Yeah. Same stuff. You really like her, don't you Dude?"
Puck's smile fades away when Finn brings his feelings into the conversation, glaring at the brunette, "Shut up. You burned your grilled cheese." They both leave so I slip out of my hiding spot and grab my gear for the game.
In the third quarter, we're in the huddle and Sam calls the play, "Red 42 on three. Break!"
But Finn stops him for whatever reason, "Wait. That cornerback's been cheating right all night. We should naked bootleg left."
"That ogre linebacker's on the left. He's been killing me all game," I grunt breathlessly, acknowledging that Finn had a point that this guy gives me a run for my money. I've yet to put him on his ass. I can delay him but can't get him on the ground.
Finn lets out a short breath when he sees Sam hesitate, "Dude, trust me. I'm the only guy who's ever actually won a game on this field."
Sam looks at me for a quick moment, because I'm the only one on the team he trusts at the moment, I give a half nod, "Okay, naked bootleg left. I keep on three. All right, you ready?"
We get into position and you can hear Coach yelling that this isn't the play she called until Sam yells out, "Hike."
I try to hold back this giant but he just took me with him as he barreled into Sam and when they collide I hear a "POP".
I run over to Sam, ripping off both of our helmets, propping his head on my thigh. Finn runs over, "Is he okay?"
The medic comes over and looks at him writhing in pain, "His shoulder's dislocated."
"This is what happens when you change my plays in the huddle," Beiste says to Sam as I'm cooing, "You're going to be just fine Evans. You hear me, it's an easy fix."
Sam looks up at me and Beiste gritting through his teeth in pain, "I don't understand. That guy came out of nowhere."
Coach Beiste helps the medics get Sam off the ground and onto a transfer board, "I know. That kid's been cheating right all night. No reason for him to be there. It's just bad luck."
The medics tell Coach that they needed to get him to the hospital as soon as possible. She looks at me, nodding before turning to Finn, giving him the ball, "Okay, let's go. It's in your hands now, Lurch. Congratulations. You're the quarterback again."
"I know things have been pretty morose around here this past week but I want to celebrate some good news for our little family. Let's hear it for Finn, on getting back his quarterback job and leading the Titans to a win in their second game of the season," Mr. Schue claps, congratulating Finn.
"Too bad that Sam kid had to have his arm basically ripped off for it to happen but it's good to have you back in the saddle, brother," Puck jokes, patting Finn on the back.
However, I'm still mad at myself and Finn for changing the play because if it hadn't been a naked bootleg left, he'd be okay. I haven't really spoken to my best friend since the game, knowing I'd yell at him if I had. I count to ten in my head, twisting the ring on my finger, "Sam could've been a lot worse, Dude. I'm still blaming myself, if I held him for a bit longer Sam would be fine."
Puck and Mike each place a comforting hand on my shoulder as Mr. Schue shoots me a sympathetic smile. Kurt still looks like he hasn't slept in a week, standing up from his chair in the back of the room, "Mr. Schue, if I may? Um, I wanted to thank everyone for your kind e-mails and queries about my dad but for your information, his condition remains the same. I need to express myself so with your permission, Mr. Schue I've prepared a number for the occasion."
"Of course, Kurt."
Kurt has silent tears rolling down his cheekbones, "On the day of my mom's funeral when they were lowering her body into the ground, I was crying. It was the last time I was ever going to see her and I remember I looked up at my dad and I just wanted him to say something, just something to make me feel like my whole world wasn't over. And he just took my hand and squeezed it and just knowing that those hands were there to take care of me- That was enough. This is for my dad."
Yeah, I'll
Tell you something
I think you'll understand
When I
Say that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
Oh, please
Say to me
You'll let me be your man
And please
Say to me
You'll let me hold your hand
Now, let me hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
And when I touch you
I feel happy
Inside
It's such a feeling
That my love
I can't hide
I can't hide
I can't hide
Yeah, you
Got that something
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold your hand
I wanna hold
Your hand
Later that day, I walk back into the choir room and Finn just jumps up in front of us, smiling at me then starts singing.
Oh, life
Is bigger
It's bigger than you
And you are not me
The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
I've said enough
That's me in the corner
That's me in the spotlight
Losing my religion
Trying to keep up with you
And I don't know if I can do it
Oh, no, I've said too much
I haven't said enough
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you cry
But that was just a dream
Just a dream, just a dream
Dream
I shake my head, confused by his sudden change of faith, "I thought we couldn't sing songs about religion."
"Evidently, we can't sing about faith but we can sing about losing faith," Cedes sneers to Finn, taking Finn's sudden change as a personal act of betrayal.
"That's sort of what I want to talk about today. Earlier in the week, Finn, it seemed like you felt differently."
He sits down beside me, laying his hand on my knee, "I used to think God was up there looking over me. Now I'm not so sure." He finally understands what I've been trying to explain to him.
Tina had found a song she really wanted to sing with us, 'One of Us' by Joan Osborne. We go to the auditorium dressed in black and white, I'm wearing one of Finn's old hoodies with a black camisole under and my black ripped jeans.
Tina:
If God had a name
What would it be?
And would you call it to his face?
If you were faced with him in all his glory
What would you ask if you had just one question?
Finn with New Directions:
And yeah, yeah
God is great
Yeah, yeah
God is good
Yeah, yeah
Rachel with Finn and New Directions:
Yeah, yeah, yeah
What if God was one of us
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Tryin' to make his way home
Tryin' to make his way home
Kurt & Lia (with Quinn):
(If God had a face)
What would it look like?
And (would you want to see?)
If seeing meant that you would (have to believe)
In things like heaven (and in Jesus and the Saints)
And (all the Prophets)
Finn with New Directions:
And yeah, yeah
God is great
Yeah, yeah
God is good
Yeah, yeah
Rachel & New Directions:
Yeah, yeah, yeah
What if God was one of us
Rachel & New Directions (with Mercedes):
Just a slob like one of us
Just a stranger on the bus
Tryin' to make his way (home)
Tryin' to make his way home
Back up to heaven all alone
Nobody callin' on the phone (Mercedes:Phone)
'Cept for the Pope maybe in Rome
Kaydon had asked me very kindly if he could discuss something with me, so I stayed behind after the song to talk to him. Though this week has been quite emotional, I saw his request as reasonable despite how I may be feeling. I fiddle with the zipper of Finn's jacket when Kaydon advances toward me.
"Lia, John and I moved here to this stupid place for you. We're worried about you and then you wouldn't answer us for months. I was scared of what you might have done. Lia, I love you and you are such a big part of my life. I need to know if you're okay."
Suddenly my aversion to feeling any more emotions took forefront and made me forget why I agreed to talk to him at the mere allusion to my harming myself in grief. I nodded, mumbling nearly incoherently, "I'm fine. I was just fine without you here to constantly to remind me of what I lost. You were a big part of my life but I'm a totally different person than who was your best friend and I can't be that person for you again. I'm sorry I just can't."
As I turn to leave to drive Finn home, he places a warm hand on my cheek and pulls me into a kiss. Out of shock, confusion, and disenchantment I freeze as his lips fall on mine. When I finally regain control of myself and pull away, I retreat to the wings of the stage to leave him alone on the stage.