tell myself it's alright
as the tears roll b y . . .
🌊🌊🌊
"My friends!" I squealed with a grin, my arms open wide to hug the four people I consider my siblings.
All of our bodies collided together in a massive embrace that we held for quite some time. Sadie and I were a bit crushed by our taller friends, we didn't know whose hand was whose, but we couldn't care less. We were finally reunited.
Just days before Christmas, my friends were officially on winter break and back home. I was more than ecstatic about it because they'll be home for nearly a month, versus fall break which is the last time I saw them all. It was a short, whirlwind of a week back in November and it went way too quick. Now, I don't have to worry about it because we'll probably be together every day until they all go back to school.
"God, I don't know what I ever do when I'm not with you people," Jodie said from somewhere above my head.
"You don't even want to know how awful it is here without you guys," I muttered into someone's chest. I think it was Caleb's.
I heard Noah scoff, "We hang out, you know. I still live at home."
"Yeah," I popped my head up to meet his eyes and smiled. "But now it's all of us again. Just you isn't the same thing." He just playfully rolled his eyes at that.
We let each other go a minute later, realizing how cold it was outside and that standing on my front porch wasn't going to make us any warmer. The gang followed me inside after I opened the door and we took over my living room. It instantly felt like they were never gone. I was on the couch with Jodie and Sadie on either side of me, Caleb was lounging in the recliner adjacent to us, and Noah was sitting on the ottoman that was on the other end of the coffee table across from his brother.
It didn't take long for us to dive into a sporadic discussion consisting of catching up on each other's lives, taking turns with stories and hopping from one thing to the next like we were all on Adderall. Our group chat is ongoing even while my friends are at school, but it's not the same as talking in person.
For them, a lot happens in one month, so I mainly listened to them while they told me all about the mischief they get themselves into at college. It's not like I had much to tell, other than my boring days at work, eating dinner with my parents, and falling asleep on the couch with my mom as we try to stay up and watch our nightly shows. Their stories are much more exciting than mine, that's for sure.
Jodie actually isn't the mother of her small group of friends at school, because she says that job is strictly reserved for only us. She's thinking about joining a sorority, to carry on her family's Delta Gamma legacy and for the experience. Her and Aiden have also developed a beautiful relationship during their time together, which I never thought I would say. Though I guess it was fate all along and they were meant to be together.
Caleb and Sadie are still the sickeningly sweet, flawless couple that they've always been, despite the miles between them. Sadie joined a bunch of clubs, helps out with fundraisers all the time, and works at her school library. Caleb is a tutor on the side and is debating on studying abroad for a whole summer while he's in school. Noah shockingly has a girl at his school that he's seeing, though he swears they're not dating – they just hang out a lot, sleep together, and text 24/7, so I've been told. Other than that, he's just messing around and being a typical college kid. He hasn't decided on a major yet either.
After catching up on an entire semester's worth of events, we were finally reminiscing together as we devoured the two pizza's we had delivered to my house, along with an order of fries and a giant bottle of Coke. Noah inhaled three slices, two glasses of soda and more than a handful of fries and was done eating first. Then he silently got up and settled himself on the couch between Jodie and the armrest.
"Noah," she tried protesting. Her voice was threatening, but it didn't do anything to stop him from sitting with us.
"What?" He asked innocently. "The ottoman is too uncomfortable."
Jodie rolled her eyes, her half-eaten slice of pizza sliding around on her paper plate as the three of us scooted down to make room for him. "I forgot how much of a child you are," she grumbled under her breath. Noah still heard her, his eyes narrowed in a glare for a few seconds before he snatched her slice right out of her hands and took a giant bite from it.
The rest of us were cracking up at their argument that ensued from Noah nearly stealing Jodie's slice of pizza in one bite. My head was on Sadie's shoulder, my ribs aching from how hard I was laughing as the two idiots kept going at it.
"Wow, I missed this so much," I sighed once I caught my breath, and Sadie agreed with a giggle.
"Oddly enough, I did too," Caleb chuckled from where he was stretched out in the recliner, content with sitting all alone.
It didn't last much longer, with Noah rustling Jodie's hair around and her almost nudging him right off the couch in return. "You're such a jackass," she said through her laughter. Noah just grinned, not denying that statement about himself.
A comforting hush fell over us then. I rested my head back on the couch cushion behind me, bringing my legs up to my chest and smiling up at the ceiling. The way my lips just naturally curled up because of the happiness that my friends brought me didn't even occur to me at first. Not until I felt all eyes on me.
"What?" I picked up my head and looked around at my friends.
"Nothing," Jodie smiled now too, being the brave one to speak up, as always. "Just... how you were smiling. It was really nice to see that."
"What do you mean?" I questioned, knitting my brows together. They all glanced at each other, the expressions on their faces indecipherable to me. It felt like I was missing something that was very evident to them, but not to me.
Sadie adjusted herself so she was facing me, a smile similar to Jodie's on her face too. One that looked... sympathetic. Solicitous in a way that wasn't too obvious. The kind of look that showed they were worried about my welfare, and they wanted to assure me that they were here for me.
"I-I mean, it's pretty obvious you weren't yourself for awhile, but it seems like you're okay now," she told me as she put a hand on my knee. I didn't wipe the skeptical look off my face, and I didn't feel comforted by her words or the gesture.
No matter how subtle they tried to be, I could see through the act. I was aware of what they were doing. Jodie and Sadie each said their respective comments for a reason. Their smiles weren't covering anything up.
Brody. It's always about Brody.
"We're not really going to talk about this right now, are we?" I spoke up lowly, which surprised them. Noah was quick to react.
"Well, we avoided talking about it all day, and we figured there might be something you must want to say," he explained with a shrug, then he cocked his head to the side in thought. "Actually, we've avoided talking about it for... months. I don't think we've ever-"
"And don't you think we've put it off for so long for a reason?" I snapped. It came out a lot harsher than I wanted it to, but this topic looming over my head stirred up all my stagnant emotions, and they came out to play without a problem.
Jodie sighed like she was fed up already. "I'm just gonna cut to the chase here. There's no point in beating around the bush," she quickly said. "I guess you haven't tried to talk to Brody again? I know you went to his house but he wasn't there, and you got the mix CD from his mom. That was months ago though, and from the way you're reacting I'm assuming you haven't reached out to him."
"No, I haven't," I answered, shaking my head. "I haven't been thinking about it as much as I used to. It finally kind of feels like it's real, like it's over. That's it."
"So does that mean you don't want to fix things?" Caleb chimed in.
"I don't know!" I blurted out frantically.
They all stayed quiet, blinking at my outburst and not knowing what to say.
We barely scratched the surface of this issue and I freaked out. All the interrogating and the pitiful looks were too much – they were making things worse. The floodgates had opened and everything was about to be washed out. Whether I was overwhelmed by the emotions and thoughts I could've sworn I buried long ago coming back to life, or because Mother Nature happened to visit me yesterday which made me high-strung enough, I couldn't say that my friends were wrong by wanting to talk about this.
I sighed now, the breath leaving my mouth shakily. My eyes darted to the empty pizza boxes on the coffee table in front of us as I rested my chin on my knees and hugged my legs tighter to my chest.
"I just feel like... the day I saw him on the beach, when I first listened to the CD, and I ran down to go talk to him but he was gone by the time I got there, was what I needed to realize that I should stop. I know Paula told him I stopped by. That was four months ago. He knows I wanted to talk and he hasn't given me any kind of sign that he wants to talk too. It seems like a waste of my time because obviously it's not meant to be, so I need to move on. Even if I do love him," I let everything out with such ease it almost shocked me. But that's exactly what I've been trying to convince myself of for the past few months, I just never said it out loud.
Sadie nodded from what I saw out of the corner of my eye, as did the twins. Jodie sat up straighter and turned to me, our eyes meeting as she said, "I know what you mean." I opened my mouth to say something else, but she went first. "But... Aiden and I talk about you guys all the time, and we just wonder why can't things work between you? I mean, you miss him and he misses you. Why are you both acting like you don't want to fix things when you do?"
It lifted my heart to hear someone actually say that Brody does, in fact, miss me. But not enough.
"Even if he wasn't the way that he is and we did fix things, it still wouldn't work. He's never home," I shook my head.
"And even though you love him, more than anything, you still wouldn't do it because of the distance," Jodie concluded, bending my words a bit to make it seem like that was a shitty thing of me to say.
"I can't. I-I just can't. I love him too much and he doesn't want that," I stumbled over my words, my entire body restless now. The excuses were wearing thin and they all saw through it. I was wearing thin. I thought this would be good for me to open up, but now I'm sealing the door shut for good.
"But-"
"Why are you trying so hard for this?" I sharply cut her off. "It's not going to work. We're done. I'm finally over it and I've accepted it, shouldn't you guys be happy that I'm not sulking over him anymore?"
Jodie blinked back at me, an incredulous look twisting her features as she was stunned into silence. Then I guess my words sunk in and she barely nodded her head.
"Yeah. You're right... sorry," she said each word with hesitance, sinking back into the couch afterwards.
"Let's just forget about this and talk about something else. Please," I rasped.
Noah swooped in to save the day, and everything was back to normal in minutes.
🌊🌊🌊
Two days prior to the holiday that has been driving everyone to insanity for the past month, I found myself at peace. Seated on a blanket in the sand just outside my house, my eyes hooked on the calm ocean, and my mind as clear as ever.
The icy, cold weather didn't deter me from having a moment to myself on the beach. I felt the sun beaming down on me from where it was situated high in the sky, but it didn't do anything to warm me up. With the temperature just below freezing, I expected to freeze my ass off. But I tolerated it anyway because I needed some me time.
I didn't waste a moment when my shift at the diner ended this afternoon. Noon came around, and while my parents were going out grocery shopping for our Christmas Eve dinner tomorrow, I headed home. I ate lunch, changed out of my work clothes into something warmer, then I planned on staying on the beach until dinner time.
My friends coming home from college for winter break was probably one of the better things that could've happened to me recently. We spent almost every day together, and we were going to keep doing that until one by one, they had to pack up and move back into their dorms. Except for Noah, which thankfully he'll still be around. Unfortunately, it's never enough because he's either at class, at work, or with his new friends from school. Either way, I always manage to end up alone.
And for the most part of the day, I was alone. There was the occasional beach jogger here and there, those people that walk their dogs and throw a tennis ball into the ocean, and a surfer or two. It never turned out to be who I thought it was. I just accepted that he wouldn't show up here and I blocked him out. Me time wasn't supposed to be filled with thoughts about him.
A dinging from my phone inside the pocket of my white windbreaker snatched my attention from the soft swaying of the ocean. Taking it out, I saw a text from my mom saying that they were hitting a couple more stores before coming home. I didn't bother answering because my hands were too warm inside my gloves, so I stuck my phone back in my pocket and sighed when I turned my attention to the water again.
I only sat there for a little while longer, then the cold finally got to me, as did the hunger rumbling in my stomach. No one else was around while I gathered up the blanket in my arms and ambled back to my house, my steps a lot slower and relaxed than usual. That pace remained as I crossed over the sand hill back to my property, and as I climbed the front steps.
It wasn't until I almost reached the top of the long staircase that my peaceful state of mind from before turned into pure panic. My widened eyes landed on a figure sitting on the porch couch, increasing my heart rate from normal to alarming.
At first, I caught a glimpse of brown hair as they were hunched over, their elbows resting on their knees and their head down. It didn't take a second longer for me to recognize who it was.
Brody's head jerked up when I got to the top step, my feet planted on the floor of the front porch. Neither of us said anything for at least a solid minute. Our gazes were locked, his mocking astonishment while mine probably read as dumbfounded and spooked.
What the hell is he doing here? Is this real life? Am I dreaming?
"Hi," Brody finally broke the silence with a whispered greeting.
My lips parted, attempting to mimic his tone as I stuttered, "H-hi."
Our first exchange in a year. Longer than one year, actually. But still, holy shit.
"I'm sorry if I scared you," he said as he stood up now. He anxiously ran his hands down the front of his jacket, those baby blues hard and focused on me.
"I-it's fine," I breathed. Apparently, I can't get through a single sentence without fumbling over my words. I guess it's an effect after seeing and speaking to your ex for the first time in over a year. "What- what are you doing here?"
One of his hands came out of his jacket pockets and came up to tousle his hair around. It looks grown out and like he needs a haircut soon.
"I stopped by 'cause I wanted to talk, to see how you were doing. When nobody answered, I figured no one was home, so I just sat here to wait, I guess. I don't know. If it's not a good time, I can go-"
"No, it's fine," I rushed to stop him, shaking my head nervously. "It's fine. We can talk."
Brody just nodded his head in return, the outline of a smile curving his mouth upward. It didn't help my already racing heart and irregular breathing pattern.
I realized then that me swearing Brody and I were done and that I was over it was a lie. There's nothing about Brody that makes me want to give up. Not a single damn thing. Now that he's here, standing just feet in front of me and asking to talk, I want to fight for him. I need to fight for him.
Even if this ends in flames or a monsoon, at least I'll know our love died trying.
🌊🌊🌊
A/N - YOOOO WHAT?!?! a wild brody appears!!?!?! is it finally time for our lovebirds to reunite and make things right again?!!!!??? idk y'all you tell me. with one chapter left, anything could happen.
i'm really not trying to think about this story ending bc it'll make me super sad BUT i have my new story Lighter in the works that i'm most likely gonna start updating once i finish this one :) the updates might not be as consistent but i hope you guys still like it if you decide to read it. ps did anyone do anything fun for halloween?! i went out to the bars with my friends (bc what else do i do ha) to emo night and stuff and i was a cute space girl one night and a maneater the next. i posted a pic on my instagram of my maneater look and tbh i'm so proud of how it came out. check it out if you're curious hehehe. PS I PUT UP A NEW VIDEO ON MY YOUTUBE! ITS A VINTAGE CLOTHING HAUL GO WATCH N SUPPORT YA GIRL!
ok welp, thanks for reading y'all. you da best, as i always say. it means the world to me, seriously, that you take time out of your day to read something i wrote. it truly makes me so happy. ok bye bye before i get too sappy :') LOVE YA LOTS.
song: oceans away by a r i z o n a (my friends!!!! go check them out!!! they r awesome!!!!)
photo: lena
xoxo, sabbbycat