I guess the good part of getting a new phone is there isn't much to do on it yet so I'm writing a lot.
Dancing King got a new cover! Isn't it awesome? A huge thank you to royalxlion for making it for me. Also enjoy a surprise update.
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Yixing's POV
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"You were gone awhile." I froze when mom's voice spoke behind me as I turned to close the door. I'd half hoped she hadn't noticed. But I should've known better. Of course she'd notice my absence. "I hope you had fun at least," she added. I turned to face her fully, raising an eyebrow when I saw her dressed up nice.
"Where did you go?" I blurted. She winced. But I waited for her to say something. Anything. I needed to know about that phone call I heard the other night. But she just sighed, fingering the hem of her shirt.
"Just out with some friends," she replied, though the slight tremble in her voice gave her away. I wanted to press her. So badly. But I felt like if I did she'd shatter like glass. So I just nodded, accepting her answer. She visible relaxed, and once again I wondered what she was hiding from me. "Where did you go?" she finally asked.
"I got hot chocolate with Junmyeon and then we walked around awhile," I answered carefully. I didn't dare mention my rapidly beating heart during most of my time with him. Nor did I care to share my discovery of his warm hands when they were in mine. She didn't need to know any of that. I wasn't even sure how'd she react. If I lost her I lost everything I had. Better to swallow it down. "He's quickly become a good friend," I continued. "He's easy to talk to."
"That's good," mom said. "Well Yixing. I'm kind of tired. I think I'm going to turn in for the night."
"Alright mom," I said, sidling up and wrapping my arms around her. I kissed her forehead. "Goodnight. Love you."
"I love you too Xing," she replied, carding her hand through my hair briefly. "So much." She wandered up the stairs after I finally released her, but I remained downstairs, hungry and a bit confused. I went to the kitchen to find something to eat. I settled on ramen, ripping open the package, adding some water, and popping it into the microwave. While I waited, I checked my phone. I debated what to do. I wanted to tell someone about what was happening to me. But who could I trust enough to tell? Was I close enough to anyone to warrant getting advice on something this monumental. Finally I picked the person I thought was right to give advice like this and hit call.
"Hey Yixing." Jongin's voice had a way of calming me down. I wasn't sure what it was. "What's up? It's getting kind of late."
"Look Jongin," I replied, pulling the ramen out as the microwave beeped. "I need some advice. From someone who's experienced something like this before. And that was you."
"I'm flattered," Jongin said, and I debated hanging up on him. "Though seriously what's wrong? You never call unless it's something serious." Maybe I was a bit more transparent than I thought. I sighed, leaning against the counter and collecting my thoughts. I twirled of my chopsticks in my fingers as I thought of the best way to word this.
"You've been in relationships before, right?" I asked. He made a strangled sound, and I had to chuckle. Probably not the question he was expecting.
"Yeah, a few times," he said. "First Krystal when I was in grade eight, then Jennie the following year, and a small amount of time with a nice boy named Ha Sungwoon, but that didn't last long." Now it was my turn to act surprised. I guess I never knew that about him. "What? Never heard of a bisexual before?" God he was sassy when he wanted to be.
"I just didn't know you were one," I shot back. "Okay not the point. I... I need your help. How did you feel during those relationships? What did you do?"
"What did I feel?" Jongin repeated the question like he'd never thought of the answer before. "I don't know man. Krystal and Jennie were so long ago I'm not sure I felt anything in the first place. Sungwoon took my breath away the first time I saw him. Butterflies exploded in my stomach when he talked to me. He was the first one I really felt anything other than your typical schoolboy style crush on."
"What happened?" I asked, sympathy blossoming in my chest. "You said it didn't last long." He snorted, but I could picture him trying to put on the tough guy act as his lower lip trembled slightly and tears threatened to spill over. Jongin may have acted rough and ready, but he was actually extremely sensitive.
"Nothing," he scoffed. "Sungwoon decided he wasn't ready for a serious relationship. We broke it off. Now we don't even talk anymore..." He trailed off, and I heard him swallow hard.
"I'm sorry Nini," I replied. "Thanks for sharing. I'll... consider what you said you felt like when you first met Sungwoon."
"You never did tell me what this was all about," he added. "I feel like I have a right to know after that." My chopsticks clattered to the floor, long forgotten at this point. "Yixing?"
"I think... I think I like someone," I told him. "I swore I would never date or anything while I loved here, and I've mostly kept that promise to myself. But I can feel myself starting to like someone, even if it's against my better judgement."
"Ooooo." I held the phone away from my ear as his voice pitched up an octave from that. "Who's the lucky lady anyway? I don't think I've ever seen you crush on anyone."
"...it's Junmyeon," I whispered, barely audible. For a breath, it was so silent I could hear mom's little TV upstairs running. I bit my lip, waiting for his reaction.
"Oh," he said. "OH, I see. Yeah that's... That's a problem isn't it?" I groaned, wanting to slam my head against the counter but refraining from doing so. Yes. It was. "That's okay. It's okay to like him you know. We won't judge."
"That's not the main problem," I said, taking my ramen and sitting at the table. I slumped over, resting my chin on my hand. "I leave in five months Nini. What if we start dating? I'll be the worst boyfriend ever. 'Hi, I really like you. Let's date, but only for a few months before I move to a different country and you never see me again.'" Jongin was oddly silent, so I had to wonder what he was thinking.
"Then stay," he said simply. I sputtered at his request. "So many of us want you to stay here. Come to SM with Taemin and me. Or go to Bighit with Hoseok if he decides to go. Hell go to Busan with Jimin and go to university. Just stay here. Then you wouldn't have to worry about anything."
"It's not that simple Jongin," I said gently. "Korea was never meant to be my permanent home. Besides could you see me in a kpop group?"
"Yeah," Jongin said, and I had to pause for a second. "I could. You're a great dancer. I've heard you sing. You can do it if you really wanted to."
"I'll think about it okay," I said. But I knew the answer. And it wasn't here. It wasn't in the country I felt like an outsider in. "I'd better let you go," I added. "I still haven't eaten yet."
"Shit yeah, go eat," Jongin said. "Night Xing. See you tomorrow."
"Yeah Nini, see you tomorrow," I replied. And we hung up. Though if the conversation had been meant to pacify me, it really didn't. It just made me feel a whole lot worse.
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Junmyeon's POV
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I lay wide awake at nearly midnight, wondering how it had come to this point. All my life, I told myself. Don't develope crushes. Don't you dare like anyone. You're different. No one is going to accept you if you do. And I'd avoided it. Even as all my friends got girlfriends and boyfriends, I'd skirted around the border, never settling on anything.
And along came Zhang Yixing to knock down my carefully constructed tower of composure.
I scrubbed my face with my hands. I didn't feel anywhere near tired, even if I'd been up since dawn. And I couldn't place a finger on exactly why. It wasn't like I knew Yixing all that well. Quite the opposite actually. But something about him... It felt like we'd known each other our whole lives. And I didn't miss the way he let me continue to hold his hand, even long after I should've stopped. I had plans to at one point. And then proceeded to toss them out the window when I found I liked it. A lot more than I should have. And it terrified me. O couldn't like him. I couldn't. No one would look at me the same way if I did. I reached out and brought my phone to my ear, praying they'd pick up.
"Junmyeon," a groggy voice complained. "It's the middle of the night. What do you want?" Thank God Kyungsoo only sounded like he wanted to low-key murder me.
"Soo, I... I have a problem," I said. I waited for a second while he seemed to grow more alert. "I think I like someone."
"You woke me up because you have a crush?" he asked in disbelief. Then he sighed. He was one of the only people who knew my secret. "Okay Jun, what's wrong? Is he ugly or something? Conflict of interests?"
"It's Zhang Yixing," I admitted, and that confession seemed to shock him to silence. "I barely know him Soo but god damn being with him feels so nice. It's like nothing I've felt before. We hung out all day today. It wasn't awkward in the slightest. It was comfortable. And I don't know what to do because I can't allow myself to like anyone. I can't throw years of work away in a single afternoon, right?" I took a ragged breath. Kyungsoo remained quiet for a few extra seconds.
"I can't tell you how you should and shouldn't feel," he said at last. "But it's not the end of the world if you like this boy Junmyeon. As long as you're happy. That's what matters." I let those words soak in.
"Alright Kyungsoo," I said at last. "Thanks for talking with me."
"Of course Junmyeon," he replied. "I'd say any time, but you'd probably call in the middle of the night again." I laughed, and so did he, so I guessed he wasn't mad anymore. "Goodnight Jun."
"Goodnight Soo. Sweet dreams." Once we hung up, I let the phone fall to the bed. I stared up at my ceiling, at a few posters taped up. A small movie poster for Train to Busan. A poster for Super Junior I got in their last album. And a small drawing that I had Kim Ah Young, or better known by her artist name Yura, create for me in secrecy. A scarily realistic drawing of Lay standing off to the side, his prominent mask and beanie hiding his true identity. It was originally a picture on my phone, but a few won and some light convincing had it on paper.
Lay. The name hadn't crossed my mind at all today. Which was surprising. Then again, a lot of things about this day were surprising. If you told me like two weeks ago I would possibly be crushing on Zhang Yixing, I probably would've checked you into a mental hospital. I definitely would've told you that you were delusional. But now that was exactly what was happening, and I felt powerless to stop anything.
I finally turned to my side, hoping sleep would come easy. But it felt like hours before I finally drifted off.
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"Ew." I whirled around as a voice spoke behind me. Baekhyun. "You like a boy. That's disgusting. How am I even friends with you?" Every word was like a stab of a hot knife, searing away at flesh and bone alike.
"No son of mine would ever like a boy, isn't that right?" A new voice. I turned to mom's disappointed look. "You're just joking, yes? Ha ha funny. Now get serious Junmyeon. You aren't a little kid anymore. Put those stupid notions aside and find yourself a good girlfriend."
"No, mom, you don't..." I began, only to be cut off by another voice. I sagged to my knees as the weight of everyone's harsh words pressed down on my shoulders, the feeling of being pinned only growing with each thing added.
"Please." Tears stung at Kyungsoo's voice. The one who promised that nothing would change. "Did you think for a second that nothing would change? You're as dumb as you are blind. No one's going to love you. Not us. And certainly not him."
"No," I croaked, throat burning like I'd been yelling all day even though if barely said a word. "You promised... You all said you'd love me..." It seemed my world spun of its own accord until I was face to face with the person in question. He curled his lips like he smelled something foul.
"You really are stupid," Yixing spat. His words hit hardest, causing me to bow until my forehead brushed the floor. No. No he couldn't be saying these things. "Why would I ever like someone like you? You're pathetic if you think someone actually loves you."
"No!" I sobbed. "Someone does! Someone has to..." I risked a glance up. Yixing stared down at me, looking just as disappointed as mom had.
"You're wrong Junmyeon," he said. "If you ever think of liking me you lose everything. Your friends will hate you. Your mom already acts repulsed any time the topic is brought up. Is it worth it? Is it worth a life of loneliness?" And then the ground below opened and swallowed me whole, leaving me to free fall through the dark.
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Holy shit guys. What did I just write?