Omg I'm so sorry I haven't updated in forever but I've been busy and writers' block and just life so sorry.
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We all filed into Asher's car, Rain and Snow having been using buses to get around. I sat in my usual seat in the front next to Asher and the siblings sat in the back.
None of us spoke.
When we got to Asher's, he put two frozen pizzas in the oven and pulled out two cans of Strongbow from the fridge.
I downed mine in about ten minutes.
I still didn't know what to say, my mind was still whirring with the events at the hospital.
I put my hand into my pocket and felt the cool metal blade that I had there, and I felt so shit.
I felt shit because I had to be the strong sibling, because I couldn't turn to self harm or suicide like he did, because the only reason I could eat pizza was that he was in hospital, because my life was falling apart and I didn't know how to stop it.
"Nova?" Asher asked, snapping me out of my daze and I realised he'd asked me something. "You okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," I lied and I knew that no one in the room believed my words.
"I was asking if you wanted me to get out the vodka," he continued, looking at me with concern.
"Oh," I perked up, that'd help me forget. "Yeah, why not?"
Asher then disappeared and I turned to Rain and Snow.
"He likes you," I blurted out.
"See! I told you!" Snow laughed.
"What are you on about?" the poor boy questioned.
"Asher. He likes you," I said slowly.
"No he doesn't," Rain shook his head fervently.
"Uh, yeah he does," I did my best sassy voice. "I've known him since I was like three, I think I know when he likes someone."
Asher reappeared at that moment, brandishing a bottle of Absolut vodka.
This could be fun.
"Before I let you start drinking," he began, "are you going home tonight?"
"Home." The word pissed me off. "Home" was a building with my parents who hated each other's guts, and a shit ton of shitty memories about Cian.
"Probably not," I replied and the siblings looked at me weirdly.
Thankfully, the oven beeped before either of them could ask.
PIZZA!
We sat around Asher's table and the weather people looked at it with something close to awe.
"This... this is beautiful," Snow spoke after a moment.
His table had a collage of memories sandwiched under a pane of glass - it had taken nearly an entire half term to do but it was definitely worth it.
There were pictures of Asher and his family on holidays next to pictures of me and Asher pretending to make out. Cian was in some, smiling, carefree, happy but most of them were from when we were little and had a really crappy camera so you couldn't really tell who it was.
"Well yes we make a great team," he said as he brought out the pizza. "I bring the DIY shit, they bring the artistic shit," he froze. He knew he'd said "they" and not "she".
I reached into my pocket again and couldn't stop myself from imagining it slicing open his arms.
"How much pizza do you all want?" Asher asked in an attempt to change the subject.
"Um, actually, I'm alright thanks," Snow said timidly.
"Snow," her brother almost warned. I didn't understand what was going on but I felt I shouldn't get involved.
"Maybe I'll have one piece," she smiled falsely.
"How much do you want, Nova?" Asher asked, obliviously.
"I'll have whatever's left over," I laughed, I could eat all of it and he knew it.
"Rain then, how much do you want?"
"Three slices, please?"
Asher served Rain up his three and himself up four slices before indicating to the baking tray. "All yours you insane human child."
I put the five slices on a plate and sat down.
I hadn't realised it was his seat, and that because of Rain and Snow, mine was also taken.
I was sat in his seat, eating his trigger food, at a table with his pictures, with people who didn't know about it.
Fuck.
I reached for the vodka bottle from where Asher had set it down in the middle of the table and downed about a quarter of it.
It burned my throat but it was worth it - it'd make me forget.
Rain eyed me suspiciously and I couldn't help bit wonder why he'd so adamantly denied alcohol.
Asher and Rain talked a lot, and I drank a lot and felt in my pocket a lot and got kinda depressed, until Rain declared that it was time for he and Snow to head home.
I glanced over at the beautiful girl in question and noticed how little of her pizza she'd eaten. She'd nibbled a bit but that was it. I think Rain noticed too because he looked sad when he looked at her but that could've just been me, I was quite drunk anyway.
"Are you like my brother?" I slurred as they got ready to leave.
"What?"
"He doesn't eat pizza because it makes him remember how shit of a sister I am and how I couldn't protect him," I elaborated. "Is that why you didn't eat yours? It reminds you of bad things?" I hiccuped.
"Nova, I think you've had enough to drink," Asher spoke as Rain looked concerned and Snow looked like she was about to cry.
"No! If he can so what he does then I can do what I do and I'll be an even shittier sister and he'll hate me but I'll deserve it and..."
"You're not a shitty sister," Asher said at the same time that Snow asked "what does he do?"
"I am and he - ."
I dropped the half empty glass in my hand and glass shards flew everywhere along with purple liquid.
"I'm really sorry but we really need to go home," Rain said pulling Snow towards the door.
"It's okay," Asher replied before they left and he turned to me. "Let's get you upstairs, 'ey?"
I tried walking, made it three steps, and stumbled.
Asher caught me before picking me up bridal style and carrying me towards his room.
We always shared a bed when I stayed over.
It was just a thing.
He helped me sleep because I could hug him and it didn't mean anything.
He set me down on my usual side and found a bucket and put it near me before taking off his jeans and changing into a baggy top but by this point, I was nearing unconsciousness.
The following morning, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck.
Asher was already up so I went downstairs, trying not to vomit or cry because of my massive headache.
"Hey Sleeping Beauty," he spoke when he saw me.
He was cleaning up the mess from yesterday and everything came flooding back.
"I'm sorry," I said as my face scrunched up.
"You have nothing to be sorry for," he said as he came over a hugged me.
"I'm a shit person." I could feel the tears threaten to fall.
"No you're not, you're my best friend and do you think that someone as fabulous as me would be best friends with a 'shit person'?" he smiled, and I wanted to, but I couldn't.
I didn't believe him.
"Well, you are, I guess..." the tears started falling and ugly sobs racked my body as he hugged me tighter.
"Nope!" he popped the "p".
We stood like that until my sobs subsided and he pulled away, "I hate to tell you but you need to leave for school in half an hour because I can't drive you unless you want to go really early."
"How early's really early?"
"I need to be at work at eight so you've got about fifteen minutes..."
I glanced at a clock and tried to run upstairs before realising I was still slightly incredibly intoxicated and very hungover.
Once I'd made it up the stairs, I went back into Asher's room, found a set of my school uniform in his drawers - it made things easier for him to have my clothes - and changed.
I then used a load of deodorant to cover up the smell of alcohol and the fact I hadn't showered this morning. I swung my bag on just as Asher picked up his car keys.
The drive didn't involve any talking, it didn't need to, there was just Blink-182 playing.
We got to school and said our goodbyes and I walked over to where Snow and her brother were having a discussion just outside the gates.
"If I call Asher and you run, he can probably give you a lift to work," I told Rain who glanced at his watch, shot an apologetic look at Snow and started running.
I called Asher, telling him to pullover because Rain was in need of a lift and turned to Snow.
"What happened yesterday?" Here we go.