M E A N I N G F U L
M I S T A K E S
Chapter Forty One
Hours passed before my dad drove me back home. School had finished roughly an hour ago, and I had only shortly responded to William's messages.
The time dad and I spent together was desperately needed. There was so much we had to talk about, and I had to admit things that mom had taught me when he wasn't always around.
His heart nearly snapped in two learning about them. At one point he muttered that he wish he knew so he could've stopped it. It was abuse- he said.
"Are you sure you don't want to come in?" I ask my dad once more through the open window of his car. "You know Will, he'll whip up a storm of food."
Sadly, bribing my dad with food was not the easiest thing. He chuckles and pushes his sunglasses over his eyes. "Maybe next time. I've got to catch up on a lot of work."
I sigh. "Alright. I'll see you later." I step on the sidewalk as he starts to turns the wheel.
"Call me if you need anything, Lola." He says before the window slowly slides back up. He drives away yet somehow it feels like his nickname for me rings in the air.
Everyone seems to call me anything but Lolita. Lollipops, Lols, Lol, Lola- I get everything.
I spin on my feet and walk inside the building, taking the stairs to our floor considering I am deeply regretting the pizza I had. I still feel the cheese and sauces swirling inside me.
I want to pull out my own hair once I reach my apartment, twisting the handle and discovering it's unlocked.
"William, I've told you a thousand times, you need to lock the door." I loudly say while entering the apartment, closing and locking the door behind me.
"Sorry!" He calls from the living room as I dump my school bag on the kitchen island and make my way to where he is.
He and Chuck both share one of the sofas, and Hunter is sitting on the other. "Hey guys." I flop down on the couch beside the brown haired boy.
"What happened with your dad?" He asks the same moment William attempts to. Hunter rests an arm behind me so that it is draped over the back of the couch.
"We found mom." These three words make William grow stiff and lean forward- edging for more information.
"Did you get in contact with her?" My best friend asks slowly.
I shake my head. "She ran across the country to Kenyards because she was having an affair. It's why she left- because she felt as if she was living a life she didn't want with dad and I. She died of a drug overdose last Friday."
Hunter places his hand over mine, curling fingers around gently. "I'm so sorry." Chuck is the first to whisper an apology that I don't need.
"It's okay. She already left me once." I continue to wait for the pained kick in my chest that flares emotions, but it still hasn't come.
"She's still your mom, Lollipops." Hunter says softly, gaining my attention. "You spent fourteen years with her."
Those years are both filled with bad memories and good ones. Though she is the woman who birthed and raised me, she lost that rightful title the day she felt without a word.
Hunter is only trying to be kind. "I know, but she was the one person in the world that was suppose to be by my side through everything. She couldn't even do that."
"It's okay, Lols. You don't need to process everything right now." William speaks. "Do you want to go rest for a little while?"
Although his suggestion does sound pleasing to be able to crawl under the blankets and nap, but there is still something I haven't done yet because the sleep would be stolen from me if I hadn't.
"I just remembered I have to go do something first." I decline and begin to stand.
"You just found out your mother died, and you're going to go on about your day?" Chuck stares at me as if I had gone mad.
"People have their own ways of dealing with things." I tell him, knowing that he will understand that through the similarities of our disorder we share.
Judging by his face, he got the message. It took him a few moments but he seems to remember that my mother also had an eating disorder. He makes the connection.
"I'll come with you." Hunter stands up beside me.
"It's okay, I'm just going to my r-"
"I wasn't asking." His hazel eyes appear soft as they scan my face. He isn't going to leave me alone. I appreciate it- his company.
So easily Hunter can read every change of my body posture or face. There could be questions he wants to ask, or he simply wants to ensure that I would be okay stomaching the death of my mother once I have my first few moments alone.
"I'm thinking about making homemade pies for dinner tonight, is that okay?" William asks before Hunter and I can pass him to leave.
"Sounds good." I smile, thinking back to the last time William baked his famous pie's. He'll make all different sorts and they'd last for weeks. They were the best dinner and desert pies I have ever tasted.
I snatch my bag from the kitchen island before walking in the direction of my room, Hunter close behind on my footsteps.
"Stop." He hooks his fingers on the end of my jacket, stopping me from sitting on my bed. He spins me and pulls my body close to his chest, holding me in his arms. "I know you said you're okay, but sometimes it's like I know how you are feeling better than you do."
My hands curl around his hoodie and shut my eyes, simply letting myself feel nothing but his warm embrace.
I'm not sad, though I should be, I'm mostly angry. Furious that she threw away her husband and fourteen year old daughter for another man filled with promises of the life she wanted.
Never once had she expressed that she felt stuck, or that she wanted out of her marriage. It was sprung at us so fast that it poisoned most of the good memories with her that over years have turned hazy.
"I think you've got denial running through your head, and a lot of built up emotions from that young fourteen year old that is angry at her mom for leaving."
Hunter can see through me somehow. These are words that even I can't form. I sigh and rest the side of my face against his chest.
"She left me with a crushed soul on my birthday. It was horrible. I can never forget that day. She left me nothing to know why, but apparently she'd written me two letters that were never sent."
I let go of Hunter and walk to my back so I can pull out the two envelopes. We sit on my bed, sprawling ourselves in the middle.
"I thought you wouldn't want to bother reading them." The assumption is correct, but I know I won't be able to sleep without having a glimpse at the words.
"I don't." A heavy sigh leaves my lips. "There might be something in here that I don't want to hear, but I should at least hear what she has to say."
Hunter offers a smile and places a hand on my thigh. "Well, go on then. Open it up."
Digging my fingernail under the lip of the envelope and ripping the first letter open is something I hadn't imagined myself doing. Like Hunter assumed, I would've tossed them away.
"Lolita," I decide to read the letter aloud. "I wasn't sure how I could ever explain to such a young child my situation. Maybe when you're older you will understand. Leaving you and your father wasn't a decision I spent months on planning, it was a choice I made in the moment. I wasn't happy. I was raised in a very different household and structure than the one your father wanted us to have. I began missing the adrenaline and freer lifestyle where I never was made to be perfect. I couldn't stay committed anymore, so I left with a good friend called Levy who understood me more than your father did. This should've been the letter I left at your bedside that day. Hell, I don't know if I'll even send this. If I have posted this, I want you to know that I didn't leave you. I have comfort knowing that one day you will understand.
Mom."
I don't understand. I do, but I don't. My hands are shaking so much that I wouldn't be able to read anything again.
All this letter has done is confirm she was having an affair and that she wanted out of a perfectly fine life. She was the one who ruined things. Ruined me, then my relationship with dad because her departure ruined him too.
I begin to see that I'd gotten my ability to lie and hide things from her. So easily she placed a veil over who she really was and wanted to be. My mother acted as if everything was okay and that she enjoyed being with us.
All those good memories are corrupted now.
"It's all fucking bullshit!" I throw the paper away and my fingers grip the roots of my hair to pull it. The pain soothes my headache. "She left us cause she wanted to be some rebel who couldn't be scolded by dad!"
"Hey, hey," Hunter eases my hands away from destroying my hair. "I know it's the hardest thing for a daughter to have her mother say something like this, but she's not a mother if she meant that. Don't do this to yourself."
I am blinded by so much rage and betray that I want to cry. Not even I meant enough for her to stay, or send this letter. She held onto it and kept the knowledge from me.
"You have your dad, William, Becky, Chuck, William's mom Janet, the cheerleading team, you also sadly have Jake," even through the fury coursing through my veins, he manages to make me laugh. "And you have me. That's what matters. Don't fret over the letter. Stay chipper, Lollipops."
"I know." I huff and try my hardest to calm. "It frustrates me that after all these years without her, she still manages to work her way back and do this. I have to lose her all over again but this time she used a knife to stab us in the back with."
Hunter moves so that his arms are around me and I'm pulled on his lap. "It will get easier. It will always get worse before it gets better, and this is the worst of it. Soon, it won't be much of a bother. But for now, what are you going to do with that one?" He points to the other letter still in its envelope.
Without second thought, I pick it up and tear it straight down the middle. Her words mean nothing to me anymore.
I haven't been to a graveyard before. I never have needed to because I've never had a family member or friend pass away.
It's daunting when we arrive at the small one Lacewood has. Knowing the ground is filled with people that have been lost sends an ache through my body.
A few weeks ago I could've been one of them. If I had been alone when my heart entered failure, or if I hadn't decided to respond to treatment- I would've been lowered into this mud.
"It's sad there was no memorial for her." Chuck says quietly while we walk on the uneven gravel path with the muddy grass beside us.
"The only family she had was her mother, and we all know what that was like for her." There still is a void in my heart for her. The necklace around my neck burns my skin.
"The little cheeseball was locked in a shoebox her whole life." Chuck nearly trips on a loose rock after he says this. "I swear this is why I hate graveyards. You're surrounded by dead people and I almost just joined the party because of a stupid rock! I don't want no reservation in this one star graveyard."
I laugh at his dramatic words. "You could've waited back with William and Hunter if you didn't want to come this far."
He glances back at the entrance gate where Hunter and William are waiting. "Hunter would've stomped on my designer slides if I left you alone."
I sneak a look at his feet, raising my eyebrows at his choice of white socks and slides. "Chuck, what the hell are you wearing?"
He playfully glares at me since I laugh at his outfit which also includes a plain shirt and casual slacks. "It looked good with the white shirt! Besides, I wouldn't have been worried about Hunter stomping on them cause they're fakes. I can't afford even one of the real ones."
I laugh even harder, internally thanking him for creating a distraction so my mood isn't gloomy while we walk down the row where the headstone and grave is.
It took us a lot of searching to find the stone head. "Is that it?" Chuck points towards it, and when we near it, the guess is correct.
Water pools in my eyes. "Yeah, that's it."
Harper Janet Edwards
"There isn't even some cliche sentence on it about her." I wipe away the first tear that falls, and try to breathe past the rest.
Even after death, no one cared for her.
"And it looks like we're the first to bring flowers, too." Chuck adds. Every other grave has bright coloured flowers and decorations surrounding the grave stone, but Harper's remains plain and untouched.
I stand the red roses in the metal vase that is beside every grave, adding life to her resting place. "Her only way of freedom was that hospital. She's free from the nightmares of being kept from the world now, but it's still-"
"Wait a minute," Chuck interrupts me, "why do I have a feeling the old lady waddling over here with the horridly cut orange hair is Harper's mom?"
I stare in the direction he is, noticing the larger lady with spiky copper hair much like Harper's. If this is her, it isn't what I was expecting. I recall being told that her mom was part of the reason she had such strict diet's set- so seeing a larger lady was a small surprise. I expected someone like my own mother.
It's upsetting when she walks our way. This lady locked herself and her daughter inside their house for years after the death of her husband. Now, she has lost her only child and has left the house for it.
She's dressed in all sorts of colours and patterns, a bright scarf draped over her shoulders. Such happy shades contrast the grim look on her face.
Both Chuck and I grow stif when she stands between us and the end of the grave. Her head dips down to stare at us, eyebrows drawn in. Chuck glances my way to silently nominate me to speak first.
"H-hi," I stutter as her creepy gaze burns me. "You must be Harper's mom."
She sucks her teeth, making an odd sound in the quiet air. Her greenish-grey eyes look me up and down. "Yes. And you are?"
I bite back the anger which begins to stir. "Lolita." The lady in front of me destroyed Harper's life just as mine did. That knowledge sits heavy in my chest especially so soon after hearing about her death. "I was a friend of Harper's."
The moment I say her name, the lady's eyes fall to my neck where the harp charm dangles from the silver chain. "What are you doing with that? That's not yours."
If words could bite, hers certain do. Chuck worryingly glances at me when she starts to appear agitated. "Harper gave it to me."
The lady's nostrils flare. "Her father gave that to her, I deserve it back." Chuck looks at me again, this time silently questioning me with his eyes.
I shake my head- not wanting him to interfere. "With all do respect Ms Edwards, Harper made it clear for me to keep the necklace. I have it in letter form to prove it."
It would be easy to hand it over, but I don't. I'm not going against Harper's own words. Wearing this necklace makes it feel as if she's still beside me.
"I don't care what she said. That necklace belongs to me now." Her anger grows just like mine does.
"I'm sorry Ms Edwards, but Harper gave me the necklace therefore it belongs to me." My nails dig into my palms. "You kept Harper inside for so long that she never lived her life and made friends. I was her friend in hospital and loved her before she passed. As a mother, you were suppose to help her and take care of her. You let her writher."
She places her hands on her hips and snarls at me. "She didn't need this." Arms wave around the area surrounding her. "She didn't need the outside world. She was fine home until she was taken into the hospital. She only died because she wasn't home."
I breathe in, then breathe out while holding my wrist with the bracelet Hunter gifted me.
"She did need all of this. Harper didn't die because she was away, she died because she had an eating disorder that was shutting her body down. You took away her chance at living."
The tension between us grows. "Lolita," Chuck warns as he senses the line of anger between myself and Harper's mother. "It's time to go."
We only just arrived. This is unfair, but I'm grateful for the intercept before one of us would allow the argument to grow.
I don't spare Ms Edwards a final glance. I cross my arms and walk past her towards the horrid gravel path to leave.
"I didn't even get to have a few minutes with Harper." I run a hand through my hair and push it off my face that feels awfully warm against the cold air. "It's unfair. All of it is. Harper never got to live the life she wanted. The day before I was discharged and she passed, I asked Harper if she could try to recover for me. But do you know what she told me?"
Chuck and I stop walking, facing one another. I'd started to cry without realising it first. Life would've been much more hilarious in my apartment if Harper were around.
Her, William, and Chuck would've been inseparable.
"She told me she can't get better because she was scared to and that if she recovered, she would be sent back home. Harper told me that she could never go home because she'd feel trapped again."
My body feels heavy- the memories and emotions weighing on my shoulders. The ginger haired girl landed in the lap of my life when she bravely marched up to my table and sat at it.
Though I only knew her for a short amount of time, it was like a lifetime. She and I had a lot in common- especially the role our mother's had in our lives.
The ward has always been a place of misery for me, but Harper managed to make me smile the way Chuck had. During the time I spent with her, she showed me that you can still be yourself and happy despite the pain you're in.
"She's with her dad now. She's okay." Chuck places a hand on my forearm and gives it a squeeze. "There's no need to get mad at her mom as much as you want to. Be happy you and Harper made some good memories and she wasn't miserable there."
He is right. I can be mad all I want but it changes nothing. I could look back on the times I spent with Harper and smile.
I reach for the chain around my neck and hold it.
I may of changed her life, but she changed mine too.
Harper Janet Edwards will always hold a place in my heart.
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