"Whoa, doin' me dirty
Whoa, telling me lies
Whoa, you are not worthy
Telling myself it's the last time
'Cause nothing good comes after midnight"
***
The few days between Christmas and New Years were essentially just a dedicated Jersey Shore marathon for the first three days, and if I never have to hear the phrases -
"Caaahbs are heeeereya" and "Stahp it Raaahn"
Ever again, it will be far too soon.
I'm still grappling with the fact that Harry has favourites, and how engrossed in it he got. I swear he could do a voice over commentary for that show.
On the second day I was trying to reach a bowl on one of the very top shelves in the cupboard in the kitchen, and Harry watched me struggle in amusement, eventually scaling the kitchen counter like it was Mt. Everest to retrieve the damn thing and once I got down and looked to his snickering face he shrugged and said -
"Meatball problems"
I told him if he ever quoted Snooky to me again we were breaking up.
I'm assuming Harry must have mentioned to Jimmy about us adopting Ludo, because on the fourth day we had our door beaten down with thunderous knocks at 9am; when Harry opened the door a frantically excited Jimmy burst through.
"Where is he! Where is my nephew! Bring him to me!" he had demanded, acting like royalty talking to peasants.
As soon as he saw Ludo, he had walked towards him with his hands clutched to his mouth and a smitten expression, acting like he was looking at a new born baby we just brought home from the hospital.
"Come to uncle Jimmy" he had cooed, crouching down and wriggling his fingers at Ludo who promptly trotted over to him with a happy smile; recognising him from the day he was at the shelter.
Steve had walked in calmly a few minutes later looking like a pack mule, holding two armfuls of clothes and dog toys with a flat expression and stared Harry; while he gestured his chin at Jimmy.
"He went shopping yesterday" Steve looked to the ridiculous amount of items he was holding and sighed "I've been to murder scenes less terrifying than what it's like being dragged around to stores with him, he's psychotic"
Steve then whispered to Harry, acting like he was talking about traumatising memories from being in the middle of combat at war "I had to pick between two shirts that were the same colour, he kept saying they were different but I swear they were the same colour, but we weren't allowed to leave until I picked one and-"
"Excuse me!" Jimmy had exclaimed, looking offended when he whipped his face in Steves direction with Ludos face still smushed between his hands "One was baby blue and one was sky blue! That's like saying an apple is the same colour as an orange! It needed to match his bow tie we bought!"
Jimmy turned back to Ludo with a huff, and Steve stared at Harry with wide eyes mouthing "They were the same fucking colour"
The next hour was spent with the lounge room looking like it had exploded with clothes, Jimmy trying on all of the 'outfits' he had apparently brought for Ludo, squealing in excitement each time he dressed him in a new one and yelling at everyone about how adorable Ludo was; while simultaneously nearly feeding him his body weight in fancy hand made dog treats that looked like they cost more than lunch at a restaurant.
I'm going to need to control Harry, and now Jimmy with feeding this bloody dog or he's going to end up obese.
"Can you stop dressing my fucking dog up? He's a dog not a doll. This is just like you and those god damn barbies when we were kids - you tried to do this shit to me too" Harry had grumbled, shaking his head at Ludo sitting there in a leopard print patterned onesie pyjama set, complimented with little socks.
"Excuse you? He is my nephew and I'll be damned if he doesn't get my fashion sense seeing as his fucking father has none" Jimmy had thrown back, giving Harry an obnoxious disapproving once over, sticking his chin in the air and I had to take Harrys hand, squeezing it to try and stop him launching at Jimmy and strangling him.
I have to admit, I did find it sweet how Jimmy was and how absolutely in love with Ludo he seemed to be almost instantly; not to mention when he smacked his hands to his cheeks, looking between Harry and I in joy and gasped.
"Oh my god, we can babysit for you - can we? Please? We'll take such good care of him" Jimmy looked to Ludo with an eager grin "Wanna come have sleeps over with Uncle Jimmy and Uncle Steve? There's a poodle next door, you'd think she's hot as fuck - I'll set you two up"
Harry had looked apprehensive, like he was suspicious of entrusting Ludo with someone else but then it seemed like an idea struck him, and I could tell by the cheeky smirk he gave himself there was one benefit to Jimmy and Steve babysitting Ludo that quickly had him agreeing to it.
Considering the last couple days if anything sexual has happened between us, it's either been in the shower, followed by Harrys walk of shame after he found Ludo waiting at the door each time or with Ludo taking a 'nap' in the laundry and Harry started the habit of turning music on very loud in the lounge room to apparently stop Ludo from hearing anything.
I swear it's almost literally like we have a child.
That is, if you actually locked your child in the laundry so daddy could bang mummy until she was as limp as a slinky getting pushed down a flight of stairs.
Harry had pointed at Jimmy, with a firm warning "If he comes home with his nails painted or some shit, I will rip your nails off with pliers, understand? And no setting my god damn dog up on dates like some idiot canine cupid"
"Boys can have their nails painted too, you use to love when I painted yours when we were kids" Jimmy had argued, folding his arms and raising accusing brows at Harry.
Harry stiffened beside me, glancing sideways to gauge my reaction and I just sat calmly, giving me a warm approving smile; showing that I didn't judge that whatsoever.
In fact, I find it adorable.
"I fucking know that but I don't want the fumes or chemicals and shit hurting him, so don't you dare" Harry had warned Jimmy again and I actually found it really sweet he was worried about something like that, concerned over Ludos welfare.
Aside from their usual sibling arguing, it was actually really endearing watching Jimmy and Harry interact over Ludo, Harry being so protective and Jimmy being so enamoured, like we just got a new member to the family.
And I guess we really did.
I've noticed that's something that both Harry and Jimmy seem to crave, whether it's subconscious or not, but they seem to just want a sense of family, regardless of what form it comes in - as long as they're people they care about, or in this case - a dog they care about.
So I guess that's how Steve and Jimmy became our unofficial babysitters, and whilst Jimmy was breaking his neck for the first time Ludo got to have a sleep over, it was obvious too a stoic Steve was even giddy about it.
Now I guess that brings us to tonight, New Years Eve.
I'm at Harrys club with him, he insisted I come with him tonight because he couldn't stay home.
He mentioned he's been neglecting it recently, which I felt bad about. I understand it's his choice but I don't want to be a distraction from him running his business.
I didn't peg Harry for the type that celebrated New Years, and he isn't. When I asked what he normally did for New Years he said that it wasn't something he cared about usually, it was just an excuse to get black out drunk and high and he can't remember most of the New Years from the last ten years; however he did say he wouldn't be doing that tonight.
I didn't want to make too much of a big deal about it, he's already made the strides he did with Christmas and you can't push too much on someone all at once; I'm a prime example of that with everything that's been thrown at me these past couple of months, I'm not navigating it well at all and I can't even think of where to start with things I need to address and I get overwhelmed easily by all of it.
This week has been a nice break from it all though, a temporary pause on everything where we've pretended the shit storm surrounding us isn't there but I know it isn't going to last, I can practically see the pin inching closer that's going to burst our little bubble.
This night at the club has been treated like any other, there was no count down, no one in obnoxious 2019 glasses or party hats; no one really seemed to care what night it was but just seemed to use it as an excuse to lose themselves more than usual.
I suppose with that being the purpose of this club for Harry, to give people an escape, maybe the people that come here want to escape the fact it's New Years and not be reminded of it.
The name of the club makes more sense now, Placebo. He intended it to be a temporary placebo effect for probably himself, and the people that came here.
The night has been the same as the others since Harry told me he owned it, sat on the couch with Harry and Jimmy, Steve was working tonight however.
It's like being sat with two guard dogs, both Harry and Jimmy scaring any one away that tried to come and speak to them while I was there.
I understand Harry is being protective and may not want me around unsavoury people or maybe he doesn't want them to take any interest in me but he can't keep it up forever, eventually, if we are going to stay together I'm going to meet or interact with the people associated in his life; I understand it makes him nervous but as long as this is what his life is, if he wants me to be apart of it those paths have to cross at some point.
I guarantee the things with David aren't helping how he feels about that, it's antagonising something he has a deep fear of so I can see why it's making him hyper vigilant with everything else.
Harry said we wouldn't be staying till close tonight, he didn't want to leave Ludo at home on his own for that long and before we left he assured Ludo we were coming back, and it hurt my heart a little to see Harry to stressed over thinking that Ludo would be worried we were leaving and not coming back.
It reminded me of the fragile times Harry had when he was scared I would leave him.
I didn't even realise it was past midnight, that the New Year had already came and went; I can't say it bothered me either, I was quite content with how I was spending it sat with Harry and Jimmy, drinking and listening to the two of them bicker with each other.
I had volunteered to go get the next round of drinks, which Harry apprehensively agreed too, only because he had a clear view of the bar across the room from where we were sat.
I'd been waiting patiently for our drinks order, trying to politely avoid the drunk people running into me as they were dancing or just being rowdy, well let's be honest they would just be drunk either.
I'm still adjusting to being immersed in a culture that's so casual about drugs, it's still not something I have any inkling to try or partake in but it's just weird to observe.
Harry also made it very clear he never wants me to touch any of it because it was dangerous and reckless, to which I pointed out I didn't want him touching it either which seemed to strike some realisation in him; how it effects me when he would put those types of things in his body and saw the hypocrisy there, and I have noticed he's been staying away from it.
I don't know if it's a permanent choice he's making, but I can really only take that a day at a time.
While I was waiting for the drinks, I felt a tap on my shoulder and looked next to me to see a familiar face, she was smiling but it didn't seem genuine at all.
"Hey Stacey" I say with all small polite wave, wondering if I'm going to get another eye roll from her, or why she's come up to me at all when she's made it obvious she doesn't really seem to like me that much; I don't really know why, I only really had that interaction with her that first day I went to Harrys apartment when he saw me across the road and then the nights I've seen her here where she's just stared at me with a sour face.
"Hi - what's your name again? I don't remember" she says with a disingenuous smile, and I sigh internally. I don't like this kind of passive aggressive behaviour.
There's no need for it. If you don't like me, just tell me and for crying out loud and don't come and talk to me then. Why do people act like this?
"It's Abby, you probably don't remember because I never told you my name." I tell her, still keeping my tone polite and glance at the bar where the bartender has just placed the drinks.
My attention is also caught briefly by a man that comes to stand on the other side of me at the bar, taking my gaze from Stacey momentarily, and he gives me a friendly smile looking over my body with a coy expression and then leans into my ear and says "You're a fox, you here alone?"
My brows crease, and I pull away to look at him and shake my head "Thank you but uh, I'm here with my boyfriend"
The man brushes my hair over my shoulder, giving me a suggestive smile "Well, if he gets boring come find me"
Does he want to die? Reel back buddy.
I have a feeling if this guy knew who my boyfriend was he really would not have said that. He doesn't give me a chance to respond however, just gives me a wink and turns his gaze to the bar to order is drinks and leaves the interaction to end there with his open invitation, however Stacey grabs my attention again.
"So it's Abby is it?" I focus my eyes on her again, giving her a confirming nod and try not to roll my own eyes when she gives me a judgmental once over with her eyes and looks to my face "I like your outfit - it's uhm, adorable"
No you don't. And I recognise that look because Andy and my mother use to give it to me.
What is this girl's problem?
I'm just wearing a simple black dress, it's not overly tight and it's comfortable.
I ignore her obvious attempt to passively make fun of my outfit, and look over hers, seeing her black cross shaped nipple pasties, the only thing covering any part of her breasts under her fishnet shirt.
I point to her boobs, and actually keep my compliment genuine, but also make it obvious with my thank you that I know she was bullshitting me.
"Thanks, I like your nipple stickers"
I actually really do like them, just not the person attached to them, as I said before, I'd never be brave enough to wear something like that and I admire it.
My polite nature seems to only irritate her, and she gives me a tight forced smile but no thank you.
"So, you're Harrys girlfriend huh? Didn't know he had those - especially lately" she says, obviously overhearing what I had told the man next to me; and there's a snide undertone to her voice.
This girl is really lucky Sophie couldn't come tonight, she was spending it with Jacob and his family - because I have a feeling Sophie would have just socked her at this point.
"Guess hell froze over then, because yeah - I'm his girlfriend" I say with a shrug, hoping she will just get whatever point she's trying to make over with so she can leave.
"Well that's just funny because" she starts, looking like she's playing sweet and dumb "He seems pretty single when you're not around. Don't you ever wonder what goes on when you're not here?"
My stomach drops into a nauseous pit, my heart stilling at what she's insinuating.
"What are you getting at?" I ask, my brows falling into a confused frown while her own expression grows more gleeful with spite but she tries to cover it with a sincere expression.
I think Charles Manson could pull off sincerity better than this woman.
"Well sorry to be the one to tell you but, he's pretty much fucked every dancer here, including me - not to mention half the women that come here. You really think all that would just stop because of little old you? Please don't tell me you're that naive sweety, you seriously had no idea?"
Harry would never do that to me. Well I mean maybe the Harry I first met would but not who he is now...right?
I'm well aware of how Harry was before we were together, apparently she thinks he hid that from me.
I feel bile rising into the back of my throat just at the thought of what she's implying, the mere thought of Harry sleeping with women here since we've been together behind my back is a crippling torture I don't think I could cope with.
However, I'm not stupid. She isn't telling me this for my own well being, she's doing this to be malicious and not hiding it well at all and that's putting holes in her intentions making her accusations unbelievable; and the person I should be asking about this before I jump to conclusions is Harry.
Surely he would be honest with me about something like that.
I really don't believe he would do that to me, not since the night Andy hit me; but even if I know the logical side of this or not, the small seed of doubt or just the image she's putting in my head is shattering whether it's true or not.
God the images my imagination are conjuring up are making me want to vomit.
"I just thought you should know" she continues with a smug look, obviously gloating over the hurt expression on my face I am finding it impossible to hide "Girls looking out for each other and all that. Guys like him don't change, and you don't want to look stupid while he's running around getting his dick wet with whoever he wants when you're not here - it's sad to watch really, felt sorry for you."
I can't listen to any more of this.
I turn to the bar, blinking my eyes quickly and swallow down the lump in my throat; grabbing my drink and bringing it to my lips, throwing it back in two large gulps and look back to Stacey.
I have had it. I've had it with snide, rude people that just want to be awful for the sake of. David has tested my patience to the tether with that and she's just snapped it.
I'm done being polite about this with her, also the strong hit of vodka is done with being polite about this.
"I think you're confusing girl code with an excuse to be a spiteful bitch Stacey. You aren't telling me this to be nice, you're doing it to hurt my feelings and be horrible. I don't know what your problem is, but if you were expecting this to get me to fight with Harry, ruin our relationship or storm out of here, without letting him explain then I'm sorry but not only are you a terrible person, you're dumb as dog shit. I'm going to talk to him about what you just said, so you better hope it's the truth because if it's not - how do you think Harry is going to react? Did you think about that? Or were all your bets placed on me not trusting him and believing you?" I say, keeping my tone even and just cutting the shit with her, folding my arms over my chest.
That sharp ache in my heart is still there, but when I see Staceys shocked reaction, and the way she looks like she wants to shove everything she said back in her mouth at the mention of me talking to Harry instead of blowing up at him - it makes it obvious she was lying through her teeth for whatever vindictive reason she had.
"So we can do that right now, you can come over with me and tell Harry everything you just told me and I'll ask him to explain it. Seeing as you're in my corner and all, surely you won't mind standing by what you just told me and making sure he doesn't lie to me with how sorry you felt for me" I push further, watching her look like she wants the ground to open up and swallow her.
Not even my insults struck her, it was more the fact I didn't react the way that I'm sure she was hoping I would that's caught her off guard. I guess she was assuming I was still as meek as the first day she met me.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you, he's not in the best mood right now" Jimmys voice pipes up and I look to the left of us to see him standing there glaring at Stacey, who stiffens as soon as she notices him.
Jimmy glances at me, giving me an apologetic look for some reason but before I can say anything he taps the guy on the shoulder that is still stood next to me that had spoken to me minutes ago, now sipping his drink and talking to the girl on the other side of him.
The man looks to him, and Jimmy gives him a wide grin "Listen mate, if I were you - I'd chug the rest of that real quick and get out of here because you're about to get your face kicked in - just warning ya"
The man looks at Jimmy confused, giving him a 'what the fuck did I do' look, and holding his hands up in surrender obviously intimidated by Jimmys confronting appearance - if only he knew about Jimmys princess collection.
Jimmy points to Harry over on the couch, who is sitting with a murderous look on his face and his hands clenched into white knuckle fists glowering his gaze in our direction.
"Had to stop him from coming over here and beating seven shades of shit out of you for touching his girl" Jimmy gestures his head towards me and the man's face pales "he's not a happy camper right now, so I'd skedaddle, know what I'm sayin'?"
The man nods quickly, doesn't even bother with his drink and puts it on the bar, not even daring to look in my direction as he pushes his way quickly through the crowd towards the stairwell; Harrys livid eyes following him like lasers as he does.
Jimmy blows out a puff of air, looking back to me "Phew. Really didn't feel like ripping Harry off someone tonight, he's a pain in the ass to do that with - he can be a strong mother fucker when he's angry, it's like some hulk shit. And right now, curly boy is pissed"
I catch Harrys line of vision, and my stomach flips at the irate look in his eyes, his jaw set like sharp steel while he grinds his teeth.
I have to agree with Jimmy, he looks pissed.
"And you" Jimmy points to Stacey, lifting his brows and steps to tower over her "You're so fuckin' fired you lying fuckin' mole - How dare you"
"You can't fire me! You don't even work here" She exclaims, shrinking back from Jimmy as he bends at the knees to lean down to her eye level.
"You're right I can't, but I'm just giving you the news early. Cause once Harry finds out what you just tried to do - You'll be lucky if you can even get a job any where else in this city. And I'm tellin ya sweetheart, I'd get a runnin' head fuckin' start before I tell him if I were you, because you and I both know there's at least three other dancers here that want to curb stomp your lying ass for other shit you've done and he won't stop them this time, he will fuckin pay them to do it and watch with a smile - so fuck off" Jimmy says, waving his hands in her face to shoo her condescendingly as if she were no more than a pesky fly.
Stacey starts to back away and Jimmy waves her away with his hands again "Go on, if I wanted to look at a pile of shit I'd look in a toilet - there's a dumpster outside, go throw yourself in it where you belong ya nasty mutt"
I'm just staring at the whole interaction with wide eyes, picturing the same Jimmy that put a tiara on Ludo a couple of days ago, saying all of this with sharp venom in his passive cold voice.
Stacy looks like an offended stunned mullet, not even glancing at me as she scoffs, then squeals through he teeth and turns on her heel, storming through the crowd of people with he fists clenched at her sides.
I look over Jimmys shoulder, waving with a dumb expression "Bye Stacey"
Jimmy turns to face me, slinging his arm over my shoulder and looking down at me with his brows pulled together in concern "You didn't believe any of that horse shit did ya peaches? I promise you - he has not touched a single person, I'm with him when he's here 90% of the time and I'm tellin ya, he's literally pointing guns at chicks to get them away from him - he wouldn't do that to you. She's just bent outta shape because he'd rather shoot his dick off than stick it in her again"
"And" Jimmy adds, giving me a promising look "If I ever caught him doin' shit like that to you - I'd fuckin kill him. You'd find out about it at his funeral - know what I'm sayin?"
Harry is pointing guns at women, just for what? Flirting with him? Probably not what I should be focusing on right now but I really need to talk to him about that.
But I can't help smiling at Jimmy about how serious he sounds, genuinely acting like a big brother giving me a talking to about a boy I'm dating.
"I didn't believe her - I was going to talk to Harry" I tell him, but Jimmy frowns.
"Well you looked upset - I don't like when you're sad peaches, I only heard the tail end of it. But I'm tellin you now it was all bullshit - she's a snake, half the girls that work here wanna neck her. Only reason Harry hadn't fired her was cause she brought in the most money - he was furious the second he saw her talkin' to you, he knows she's trouble" Jimmy says, reaching behind him to the bar to grab his cocktail and sips on it.
"Just what she said to me, the idea of it, of him cheating on me - the thought of it was just hurtful that's all, I wasn't expecting it. I never thought Harry would do something like that" I explain, and Jimmy nods in understanding while his lips are wrapped around his straw.
He purses his lips as he swallows his drink, and raises his brows at me "Well either way, he's going to have a stick up his ass. I had to pin him on the couch as soon as he saw that guy talkin' to you as well, it was like pinning down a god damn raging bull - but my outfit is smokin tonight and last thing I need is blood all over it, ya just can never get the stain out properly."
Jimmy shakes his head, sighing "I swear; I keep tellin him he needs some anger management - or yoga, I offered for him to do some with me, got him a mat and everything but he's such a stubborn dickhead - maybe you can try and convince him? I'd pay good money to see his ass say Namaste"
I go to reply to him, but a figure coming to stand in front of us catches my attention and I look to see Harry in front of us with his brows furrowed with a tense jaw and hard eyes.
"Speak of the bitch ass devil himself" Jimmy muses, lifting his glass at Harry.
Harry just sends him a deathly glare and Jimmy lowers his drink slowly, leaning into my ear to mutter "Yeesh, see I told ya - looks like something crawled up his ass and died"
"Abby" Harrys stern voice makes me whip my eyes to him, and he leans forward grasping my hand and tugs me away from Jimmy, leaning his face closer to my own, flicking his furious eyes between my anxious ones.
I swear if he starts thinking he can just pull me around like a damn pet on a leash again he's very mistaken.
Is he angry at me for some reason? Because he looks it. The hell did I do?
He grits his teeth, his nostril twitching in irritation; while his voice comes out a low growl.
"Bathroom. Now."
For Christ sake. Here we go again.
***
***
Sorry for the lack of updates my guys, had some personal shiz going on.
***
I'm getting nervous, we're getting on the home stretch to the end of this book now. Y'all ready for when those tapes come out?
Appreciate y'all more than you know.