{one}
nothing short of a straight shot of poison
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the first time i saw him, i sat across from a placid pond with pine needles digging into the denim of my jeans. this is where i usually spent my time, except today my senses were a little heightened then usual. my heart pattered through my finger tips like an incessant beat of a choir drum, my teeth grinding together and chipping away the enamel in a slight panic. i thought i was completely alone with my thoughts and shuddering vexation -- as i let my bike fall to the ground and simultaneously flicked my lighter to a flame. emptying my pockets, standing by the blossoming, intrusive mangrove trees, my hands held the things i had stolen.
no matter how many times i did this, it always felt wrong.
yet, it wasn't a bottle of booze or a pack of cigarettes that a teenager like myself would usually nick from the store and run off with. no, it had been pairs of lacy, promiscuous bras and underwear that still had the fragrance of whom it belonged to tucked away into the satin. the pink ruffles of a tight thong or a tiny black bra should excite me and appease my growing morbid desire -- and it did, for just a quick moment.
you see, i have been in love with a girl from my school for quite a while now.
although she hadn't known me or barely bat her pretty blue eyes at me, i had grown involuntarily attached to her without meaning to. she was everything i wanted, but i had always been too afraid to talk to her. as she sparkled in a room full of people and i was merely a hidden waste of space — a particle of dust floating in the air aimlessly for a place to reside. her name is mandy and she's magnificent in every way — her hair is the color of the golden shores of greece and her laugh is contagiously glorious — like the smell of jasmine flourishing across the footpaths of my lonesome neighborhood.
after school, i had calculated perfectly how i would enter her house without her knowledge.
she would be at cheerleading practice, dancing and cavorting her body around like a flirty bird twirling in the wind for crowds of wanton people. her usual routine was to end her exercise at the time the sun sets over our sleepy town, and then sloppily kiss her boyfriend under the abandoned bleachers — until the scumbag would inevitably stuff his filthy fingers inside of her.
today i had taken a chance by climbing into her bedroom window (which she left unknowingly open) while she was left preoccupied.
i had felt like i had gotten close to her, staring at the childish photos dangling from her walls and the sweet scents of her room. it had smelt like long nights of needy masturbation, which of course only made me grow desperate with infectious arousal. it wasn't long before i stood over her drawer, staring at her panties and fantasizing at the thought of sliding them down her thighs as she mewls across her pink bed. what it'd be like to treat her like a princess, unalike her fool of a fucking boyfriend.
as the thought of my mouth pleasuring mandy between her long legs and her hands tugging at my hair as she drowns in a euphoric state -- suddenly the front door of her house slams like a horrible awakening of a nightmare. my heart thrashed inside my ribcage as i heard mandy call out from the entrance of her cozy home in a sing-song voice, 'i'm home!'
the entire house felt like it had shaken with her melody as i held my breath. my hands full of her underwear were tucked away into my jacket without any hesitation, as i began to slowly back away from my delusions and enter reality once again. my mind tirelessly lapsed with doubt like a malfunctioning, smokey data base, wondering if i had been wrong all this time. no, no, she shouldn't be home so early! i wanted more time!
just as i hear her footsteps creep towards her room at an agonizing pace, my mouth gapes and i prepare for the pain i might experience at this point in time.
almost robotically, i shut her drawer and throw myself out of her window like a petrified cat. landing in the bushes outside, i hear her door swing open and her entry. lying still as a certain twig pierces into my shoulder blade, i hold my breath and hope she doesn't poke her head out. as i wait for what feels like hours, trashy pop music blasts from her room and i hear the sound of her steamy shower turn on.
i took that time to find my bike that i hid away in her luscious garden, riding off into the night with mandy's belongings digging into my side like a tease. i felt the phantom of her curled around me on the back of my bike, fantasizing at the thought of her holding onto my shoulders as her sandy-blonde hair tousles in the wind.
it's kind of funny, because in movies or tv shows, this seems totally okay. the whole 'breaking and entering your crush's bedroom when they're unaware' shtick. like a funny mishap, or a token of love, or even, somehow adorably quirky. when really all i felt was absolute revulsion for myself and what i had done. what kind of violation would she feel if she found out that the kid she assumes is harmless has stolen her underwear?
this hadn't even been the worst thing i've ever done.
as my bike flew down the streets of her neighborhood, i actually hesitated, instead of heading straight to the wilderness of my town where i would decide what i'd do with her stuff. impulsively, i wanted to keep her lingerie and jack off into them until i find some sort of release of these horrendous emotions rushing to the core of my stomach. but, of course, i couldn't do that. i wasn't a complete creep, although having the tendencies of one. i knew i had to get rid of her materials quickly.
setting her things aflame, i watched as it burst with smoke and flickered with orange embers. as i watched the fabric curl into dark crisps of her remembrance. suddenly i felt completely dirty, like beneath my finger nails reeked of suspicion and ash. stamping my boot across her blackened belongings, i kicked the remnants of what was left into the pond and watched it sink into the cloudy depths of the water. searching deep inside of myself for some sort of relief — or pretend, at least.
my mind is on a constant switch — theres a part of me that is deeply reasonable and virtuous — but then i flicker and i become a compulsive monster that acts on my depravity. the worst part of it all is that i'm completely conscious of it, yet i can't control myself.
i wanted to head home and call it a day. let my feelings dissipate and feign that nothing had even happened. my mental state was horribly impulsive and it frightened me, because sometimes i don't even realize how wrong the things i do really are in the moments i give in. but just as i turned away from the body of murky water, wheeling my bike away from what i had done with my head cast down -- i saw something move in the corner of my eye.
someone,
immediately hiding behind an enormous oak tree, i peeked from it and tried to grasp onto my dim surroundings. through the eery shadows surrounding me, i could see a large man following a younger boy with raven hair, grasping his large erection and eying up the teenager's smaller frame. the man looked as though he was just passing through town with an eighteen wheeler and stopped off at a truck stop, instead of grabbing a bite to eat, he wanted a quick fuck with none other than some reckless kid. i didn't recognize the boy at all, he looked unworldly actually -- like he was dropped from mars into the middle of nowhere.
the boy with olive skin taunted the older man, leaning into his mouth for a kiss and then running from him before they would touch with sinister giggles. it had looked as if an idle fawn was dancing around death, goading a wolf in sheep's clothes with the flick of his thick lashes.
i had never seen gay lovers before, especially from the town i lived in, so i couldn't help but let my mouth gape at the bizarre sight. i could of easily snuck away, (i had become very good at hiding as i spent most of my life doing it,) yet i just couldn't pull my body away from the burning flame. suddenly the breeze swayed ferociously through the humid woodland, as sparks bursted inside of my skull with the intense desire to know more.
suddenly the man lost his patience from the boy's torment and grabbed the teenager roughly. my eyes burned with the need to blink, as the man suddenly pinned him to a tree and thrusted into his backside fervently through the fabric of their clothes. the teenaged boy's cheek harshly pressed into the mossy crust of the tree, his hands held above his head with asserted dominance.
strangely, as if they enjoyed it, groans escaped from their lips — the boy further teased, "you wanna fuck me, yeah? wanna bend me over? right here?"
the man grew further more desperate, begging and pawing at the teenage boy's ratty jeans pathetically, "please. come on, baby, get your fucking clothes off."
"i want you to close your eyes." the boy arched into the man's body, hands escaping his distracted grip and trailing up the nape of his neck and swooping into his silver hair with ownership.
a defeated sigh left the man's mouth as their bodies traded positions, the boy planting the man's back against the ragged bark of the ancient tree. from here i could see the way both of their hearts raced and the aroused breaths they emitted. the older fluttered his eyes in a trance of fervor and probably the touch of an illegal substance. waiting for his strange lover to strip nude in the middle of the stark wilderness of a lazy, clueless town.
"alright, alright. just—" the man pouted, clearly lacking control of the troubled boy.
the sable haired beauty replied with a challenging smirk on his lips, "do it."
"fucking hell, i thought you were gonna be easy." the man presses his hands against his eyes, complaining, "lets get on with it already-- oh, fuck. yeah, baby..."
the boy dropped to his knees where the dirt would stain his clothing, hands departing north and south inside of the man's shirt to trail across his hairy, bloated stomach and palm him through his pants. the zipper dragged past his dick, boxers folded under the man's balls as soft lips whispered touches onto the tip of his manhood. i couldn't see much more from where i stood, except the way the man had recoiled from the waves of pleasure colliding into him without mercy.
at this point, i decided i had seen enough. except, i couldn't quite miss the way the teenaged boy seemed to have other dubious plans. one nimble hand stroking the man's cock -- the other disappearing into the back pocket of his pants. suddenly i become aware of who's deceiving who and the clever trickery that began to unravel before my eyes. the teenager is completely agile and aware of exactly what he was going to this brainless man, absolutely practiced in the art of stealing.
his spidery fingers whisk out the man's wallet without further ado, tucking it into his own possession. as quick as the trucker had his wallet stolen, the teenager was quick to stand up and find some sort of shining exit out onto the main road. leaning into the negligent man's mouth, murmuring lies to keep his eyes closed — momentarily i had felt like the trunks of the trees above, inconspicuous and unmoving. forgetting that i'm made out of flesh, like a living eye-sore.
as the boy turned around with quick dispute, i realized i was obviously standing in his line of fiery vision as if he reeled me in like a moth to a light. i felt my cardiac muscle drop to my toes like a bucket of blood, as our eyes met across the dark plains of the forest. suffocating in his chilling gaze, the cutting expanse of his jaw and his giant almond-shaped eyes, i felt immediately unnerved. he looks oddly doe-like with needle thin legs and broad shoulders, but his inky, haunted expression was nothing short of a straight shot of poison.
instead of the fear of getting caught swarming his murky eyes, he only wickedly smiled at me and waved with the tender twist of his fingers. as if he just knew that i was out in the middle of the woods for the same reason.
just as quick as i had grown mesmerized to the way his eyes dazzled with sheer tenacity and intensity, he left me dying with curiosity and the older man dying of need. i watched him run and disappear with the wallet, into the depths of night for my mind to follow when i fall asleep tonight.
"you mother fucker!" is the last thing i hear before the man is stumbling out of the wilderness with his pants hanging low, in search for the boy who had swindled him.
i couldn't help but to feel robbed as well.
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