Jin stirred his coffee slowly while staring into the dark lenses of one of the many cameras set up around the precinct. After checking his reflection out, he decided to question the existence of the cameras.
"The fuck is this?" he asked.
"Someone wanted to film a reality TV show about us," Namjoon said after he had gotten back from talking to a few of the crew members.
"Why the fuck would anyone want to watch that?" Yoongi interjected. "The media has brainwashed people into watching anything. It's the ultimate form of stupidity."
"Officer Min, we're filming," Namjoon whispered to him.
"Oh, in that case," Yoongi began and leaned forward in his seat so that he was staring directly at the camera. "You people have nothing to do with your lives."
Namjoon looked back at the cameraman.
"We can edit that out," he assured.
Namjoon sighed. "Everyone! Just go about your daily lives and pretend the cameras aren't even the—"
"Good morning everyone minus Sarge!" Jimin greeted, sashaying in with a pink faux fur coat on and sunglasses. "I'm ready for my debut as an actor!"
Namjoon paused as he tried to comprehend what Jimin was doing. "Officer Park, I—"
Jimin took off his fur coat and tossed it to one of the cameramen. "Hold this for me, menial peasant."
Jimin's peasant, who was very confused, took the fur coat and left it on the ground.
After ignoring Jimin's actions, Namjoon took in the scene of his precinct, looking awfully impressed. "This is the first western show showcasing Korean officers who pledged to serve this country proudly—amazing."
"That's right, kids. Fuck the police. Be gay and do crimes!" Jin chanted in front of the camera.
"Fuck these guys," Namjoon mumbled to himself.
"Is this on?" Hoseok asked, tapping the lens of a camera that was at his desk. "Hello America, look at me! See, Madeline, I'm not a failure, so I hope you and Chad are having a great—" Hoseok teared up. "—I'm sorry, I need to go," he said, getting up quickly and heading to the bathroom.
"Is he okay?" a cameraman asked.
"He's just being dramatic," Yoongi said, waving him off.
"Where's Jungkook?" Namjoon asked, furrowing his brows.
Yoongi pointed to the corner of the room where Jungkook had his back pressed up against. He was staring at all the cameras with big, bulging eyes like they were the predators and he was the prey.
"He's camera shy," Yoongi explained.
"Jungkook, get your dramatic ass over here and say hi to the viewers," Jin scolded, rousing poor Jungkook to unfreeze and move over to where the cameras were. "Good. Now say something."
Jungkook had a fearful look on his face. "Ding dong," he croaked out.
The camera zoomed in on Yoongi's face. "This is why God left us."
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"Where are my glasses?" Jimin asked, reaching around blindly as he walked around aimlessly.
"You lost them again?" Jin asked.
"I haven't gotten new contacts yet so I brought my glasses." Jimin said. "I left them on my desk but they're missing now!"
The camera zoomed in on Yoongi who had the glasses hanging on the hem of his shirt while he acted clueless. Then, it zoomed in on Jungkook who was staring back at the camera, wide-eyed.
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"Oh? You wanted to interview us?" Jimin asked.
Yoongi placed his hands on Jimin's shoulders and turned him around. "That was a desk."
"Can you tell us about any scandals going on in the precinct?" the cameraman asked.
"There isn't really anything other than Hoseok having a giant crush on me," Yoongi said.
Jimin looked at him. "Hoseok hates you."
"He has the big dick energy of an elementary schoolgirl, that's all," Yoongi said and handed Jimin his glasses back. "Now if you tell him about this, you're a dead motherfucker," he threatened.
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"Can we have an interview with you?" the cameraman asked Jungkook.
Jungkook stared at him.
"Um, sir?" the cameraman pressed. "Can we interview you? One on one?"
Jungkook stared into the camera lens as if he was having a Vietnam flashback. "Ding dong."
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"In conclusion, Jungkook's a bottom around cameras," Jin explained to the cameraman. "It's fine though. That just gives me more screen time!"
"Why haven't I gotten any screen time?" Hoseok asked from his desk.
"Emotional bitches aren't made for the spotlight!" Jin yelled.
"It's fine, you can just suck my dick, Hoseok," Yoongi said.
"What?"
"Nothing."
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The producer of the show walked into the Captain's officer.
"Is everything alright?" Namjoon asked.
"Captain, I don't think we can air this," he said with a sigh. "Your men are just..."
"Savages?" Namjoon finished for him.
"Exactly."
"That's quite alright," Namjoon said, standing up. "I think it's distracting for all these cameras around anyways. Plus, these men are exemplary on their own."
"Did you just compliment them?" the producer asked, raising a brow.
"I did," Namjoon said. "Is there a problem?"
"Not at all," the producer said quickly. "Now, we'll just pack up the cameras and be out of your way."
He reached for the doorknob only to find that there wasn't one. He turned and gave Namjoon a confused look while Namjoon just handed him a wrench.
"I broke it this morning," he said. "Open it with this."
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"Captain! Where are the cameras going?" Jin exclaimed, running up to Namjoon with disbelief drawn all over him.
"I've decided that a TV show is just going to be chaotic for all of us," he explained. "And you're all chaotic enough as it is."
"Thank fucking god," Yoongi whispered.
"If the cameras were around any longer, I think Jungkook would've quit," Hoseok said, gesturing toward Jungkook who was starting to move like a normal human being now that the cameras were gone.
"Wait, where's Taehyung?" Jimin asked.
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"Can I change precincts?" Taehyung asked amidst the two police officers who were brawling it out in front of him. "Can I please change precincts?"
The moment Taehyung had heard that there were cameras filming the Nine-Nine, although he loved them all dearly, he decided it was time to quit. Kim Taehyung might have had godsent looks but there was no way he was ever going to be caught dead on reality TV. So, he headed down to the nearest precinct and asked if they'd take him in, but unfortunately the Captain was against it and the Sarge wanted him in.
His phone rang and Taehyung begrudgingly picked it up. "Hello, the person you are trying to call is either sleeping, missing, or dead. Please do not call—"
"Taehyung, it's me, Jin," Jin said. "The cameras are gone, you whiny bitch. Come back already."
The call cut and Taehyung looked up at the two men fighting it out in front of him. "Well... have a nice day, buddies," he said and snuck out of the office.
Back to the Nine-Nine it was.
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AUTHOR'S NOTE:
It's spring break. Don't blame me for not having a life.
Also, if you couldn't tell already, this chapter was inspired by The Office! Check out Cat's book—they're legendary.