It was a slow day at the precinct. Even Yoongi made a comment saying that it was a slow day, which the officers found surprising considering Yoongi usually took a nap during his shifts. There were little to no crimes in Brooklyn and it made a certain officer quite bored.
"When can I fucking retire?" Yoongi asked, leaning back in his chair lazily.
"You're in your twenties," Hoseok pointed out.
Yoongi frowned at him. "Stop being homophobic, Sarge."
"If no one does anything illegal, I'm going to scream," Jungkook announced loudly.
Jimin scrunched up his nose. "Isn't it good that there aren't any crimes going on?"
Jungkook laughed. "No."
"Jimin has a point," Hoseok chimed in. "We should be glad that the city's safe on its own."
"You hate Jimin so stop supporting him," Jungkook said and stood up. "I want anarchy and I want it now!"
"Jungkook, take advantage of this slow day and relax," Jimin said with a sigh.
"How can I?" Jungkook asked. "Look, even Yoongi's awake!"
Yoongi stared at them with a dull expression. "That's because I can't believe you guys haven't fucked yet. Look at how shocked I am," he said, gesturing to his face which showed no trace of surprise.
"F-fucked?" Jimin stammered, his face flushing in embarrassment. "What did we say that made it sound romantic?"
Jungkook groaned. "Yoongi, cut it out. We don't like each other in that way!"
Yoongi narrowed his eyes at them. "I'm sorry, I don't remember there being fucking prerequisites for fucking."
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"This day is so boring," Jungkook whined, spinning in circles in his chair.
"Shut the fuck up, dipshit," Jin snapped. "I know it's a long day. We all know it's a long day. Just shut the fuck up and diminish your existence a little for the sake of my sanity."
"I'm going to spank you guys if you don't stop," Hoseok threatened.
Yoongi glanced at Hoseok and turned back around in his seat, facing Jungkook and Jin. "That was kind of hot. I feel like my dick just went through metamorphosis and turned into a butterfly."
Jungkook buried his face in his hands. "I could have gone the whole day without hearing that, but no, we can never have nice things."
"I'd rather go back to college and sit through a lecture than this shit," Jin said.
"That's good," Namjoon said, seeming to appear out of nowhere. "That means it's the perfect day to lecture you all."
Jungkook yelped and looked up at Namjoon. "Oh, would you look at the time? Looks like my shift's over," he said and attempted to get up and quickly walk away.
Namjoon stopped him with a single arm. "Not so fast," he said. "Let me give you my lecture."
Jin choked. "I was joking."
"This is something I've been meaning to do," Namjoon said. "I have a few complaints. First of all, I want all of you to start wearing ties like professional officers."
Yoongi raised his hand. "Can I choke Sarge with it?" he asked, ignoring the horrified look on Hoseok's face.
"If you wear a tie too, then sure," Namjoon said.
Next, Jin raised his hand. "Can I choke you with it, Captain?" he asked.
Namjoon paused, opening his mouth and then closing it again like he was a fish out of water. "That's... to be discussed later."
Yoongi raised his hand again. "Wait, can I choke myself with it?"
Jimin turned to look at him. "Is that some sort of kink?"
"Not sexually," Yoongi said. "I mean fatally."
Namjoon sighed heavily. "Can you people just wear the damn ties without choking each other?" he asked and they all shrugged indifferently. "Taehyung, thank you for being the only person to wear a tie, but please just wear a simple one."
"Oh, sorry, I can't do that. I only shop at Gucci," Taehyung explained. "It's Gucci or nothing, honey."
"Captain, if you're making us wear ties, then we have a request for you too," Jungkook said, crossing his arms across his chest.
"And what would that be?"
"Drop the 'Officer this' headass and just call us by our names," Jin said. "I don't think I've ever gotten headaches over hearing my family name until you came along."
"My therapist tells me you can form more of an emotional connection when you call someone by their first name," Hoseok added. "But she also tells me I'm the type who gets overly-attached."
"Then why don't you just fuck me?" Yoongi asked.
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Anyways," Namjoon started. "If everyone's in agreement, I guess I'll call you guys by your first names."
"Yes!" they all agreed in perfect unison.
"You think he's going to last?" Taehyung asked.
Jin scoffed. "No way in hell."
"My second complaint is your attitudes," Namjoon said, scrunching up his nose slightly at the mention of the topic.
He had been struggling for the past few weeks with complaints from the public and from the staff around the precinct. The worst part was, there were complaints about nearly everyone.
"God," Namjoon grumbled. "I don't even know where to begin."
"Me first!" Jungkook exclaimed.
Namjoon raised a brow at him, irritated at the sight of the go-lucky boy being overly-excited that his existence was annoying and made people complain. He was certainly aware of Jungkook's talent but he wished it wasn't washed out by his personality.
"Officer Jeon, you stopped to buy a pretzel when you were supposed to be chasing down a thief that stole a woman's bag," Namjoon said. "Are you trying to ruin our reputation?"
Taehyung and Jin shared a glance, perfectly aware that Namjoon had already forgotten his rule as they tried to stifle their laughter.
"Okay, I got the bag and I got a pretzel," Jungkook said. "I call that a win."
Namjoon shook his head with a sigh. "Officer Kim Taehyung." he moved on. "You were assisting Jungkook while he chased after that thief, but you didn't help him. On top of that, you called the poor woman broke, and for what?"
Taehyung shrugged. "Her bag was off-brand Gucci. It was disgraceful."
Namjoon pinched the bridge of his nose. These guys were hopeless.
"Officer Min, you were supposed to catch the criminal who was hijacking cars, but when you finally found him, you decided to take your lunch break then and there and asked some random citizen to chase him for you? Why?" Namjoon asked.
"You said it loud and clear," Yoongi said. "It was my lunch break."
Namjoon couldn't fathom how irresponsible his officers were. He wondered if they would ever learn.
Probably not.
"Officer Kim Seokjin, you're more tolerable around people, but you need to stop cussing in front of the little kids who tour the precinct," Namjoon said.
Jin filed his nails, unbothered. "If they can't handle a little profanity, then I feel sorry for their childhood."
"Profanity builds character and strength," Hoseok agreed. "My dad used to call me a 'fucking coward.'"
"No wonder he goes to therapy," Jin mumbled.
"Sargeant Jung," Namjoon continued. "I understand your... personal issues, but you are a role model for the rest of the precinct so you have to get over your hesitation over using guns and you need to stop getting emotional whenever you see a girl."
"Only the ones that look like my ex!" Hoseok exclaimed.
"I have the perfect solution," Yoongi said, turning to him. "Just fuck me."
"What?"
"Nothing."
"Officer Park, you're pretty much an all-around perfect officer," Namjoon complimented, making Jimin smile proudly. "But you need to stop threatening Sargeant Jung all the time. Also, please stop cooking for me."
"I thought you liked the cookies I made this morning!" Jimin protested, a hurt expression on his face. "You ate them all!"
"The trashcan ate them all," Namjoon corrected. Jimin's lips turned down and he looked down at his desk as he reconsidered everything. "Well, those were all my complaints. Do you guys have anything left to say?" he asked.
"Can you wear tighter shirts?" Jin asked.
Namjoon looked down at his shirt. "Why?"
"The chest area is very loose," Jin explained. "It isn't distracting enough."
Namjoon struggled for words and then shook his head. "You know, I think that's enough suggestions for today."
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AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Lmao I'm so sorry about the choking thing. It was inspired by my depressed tweeting when UC Davis waitlisted me.