The work week came all too soon and when Remus left Monday morning to work and then to take his Moon break, the despair hit Shannon full force. She curled into her bed, hugging the pillows that smelled of his body. Five short weeks were all that remained and with the stress of the coming exams, that time would be gone in the blink of an eye.
With her usual perfect timing, Alissa had sent Matilda out that morning with a short note for Shannon. The old lady owl landed softly on Moss’s cage and hooted for attention.
Not a happy letter but we knew it was coming. Irma passed away over the weekend. It was quiet and easy, she seemed to know it was coming and took her time to say goodbye to all of us.
The kids are devastated, we’ve had to pack up and move back to our own home quickly so her “family” can come and see to her remains and her will. My heart breaks because she made it so long and if she had just held out one more month, she would have had a chance to say goodbye to her grandson.
We can’t even go to her funeral because no one can know about us so we’re going to spend a bit of a quiet day here instead, just spend some time remembering her.
I just need Sirius home; I can’t wait for this to be all over. I want to tell him all about Irma and I need help with the kids. We all miss him so much and if he were here it would just ease things for all of us.
PS- I’m sorry about you and Lupin. You knew this wasn’t going to be easy but I wish it could have been, you both deserve it.
Alissa
Not entirely shocked that Alissa had tripped up and used Sirius’s name, Shannon tossed the letter in the fire and watched it burn to ash. Losing Irma was definitely going to be hard for that family especially with Alissa’s lack of magical ability and it was terribly sad she had never been able to meet Sirius as a grown, free man but Irma had died happy and not everyone was afforded that luxury.
“I have nothing to send back Matilda but I’m sorry you lost your mom” she stroked the back of the sad looking owl, gave her a treat and watched as she flew off. She wondered what happened to owls once their masters died, did they stay with a family member or gain freedom or did it just depend on the owl and the family? She hoped Matilda would be happy and safe but her fate may be in the hands of the Malfoys which Shannon would not wish on any creature.
“What did you want to do this weekend love?” Remus asked as he placed his bag on a chair and unpacked some school work to grade. There were only three weeks left of the school year which meant a handful of students were asking for extra credit work. Extra credit work for students meant more grading work for Remus and the strain was showing. He was always a bit frazzled and distracted; hair a little more disheveled, clothing a bit more loose and unkempt.
“Nothing” Shannon answered tonelessly from the bed where she was reading up on telepathic experiments done by muggle scientists. The magical community was unsure how to handle the situation with some considering it an advancement for muggles to accept there might be some unexplained powers and some considering it a danger to their way of life if the studies delved deeper.
Remus turned and frowned at her back. He wasn’t sure what was going on but the past couple of weeks he had definitely felt a difference with her. Their last weekend together, she had dressed in baggy clothing and slept pressed against the wall, shifting away every time he tried to be near. He knew it wasn’t her cycle because he could smell the change but she gave no other reason for it. The end of the year was always stressful and he had hoped that saying nothing and giving her some space would help but it only seemed to be getting worse.
“You have a lot of work to do and when you’re not working you should be getting some sleep, you look awful.” She felt the eyes boring into the back of her head and needed him to stop. The protective emotional walls she had put up wouldn’t last long if he kept prodding at them.
“You’re right of course, as usual. What about you?” He turned away and set out his work. Maybe once the year was over, they could both relax and spend the summer working on whatever it was that was bothering her. They had nothing but time during what he was planning to be the best summer of his life and without the stress of school work weighing on his mind, he could devote every ounce of himself to her. She deserved that and more for putting up with his condition and the constant changes in his schedule, temperament and availability it created.
“What about me? I’m fine, I’ll just read or write Alissa or maybe visit Hagrid. I feel maybe I’ve been a bit neglectful of my friends lately. Hagrid must be worried sick about Buckbeak.” She continued staring at the wall, unable to look at him; knowing he would see right through her.
“Strange they haven’t set a date for the appeal yet. I’m sure Lucius is doing all he can to press the issue. Knowing him he would want it to happen during the school year as dramatic show of power.” Remus’s voice was filled with loathing which was unusual for him under most circumstances and caused Shannon to roll over to look at him.
“He is despicable” she agreed in the same tone as her face filled with hatred. “He’ll get what he wants too, for now anyways.”
Frowning once more Remus sunk into his chair and said “well I do have a lot to get done this weekend but I will be here for you if you need me; just say the word and I’ll drop everything.”
Shannon smiled faintly and nodded, then turned back to her reading.
Another fortnight flew by, another couple of weeks that involved avoiding Remus when she could and struggling to remain indifferent when she couldn’t. This weekend would be difficult, she knew the test it would be just by glancing at her calendar where a full moon spun brightly on the coming Wednesday. He would need her and she would submit to him and then two weeks later she would end everything.
When Remus arrived Friday night he was smiling shyly, unsure how to interpret the distance Shannon kept putting between them. He had never felt so much peace with every change as he had since she insisted they make love beforehand. Often he wondered as he lay in wolf form, if he could change without the potion and still sleep the night away as long as he was as satisfied as he had been the past five months. Not that he would take the chance of finding out but it was intriguing.
“I have come to love every part of you for two whole days if you approve of that plan.” Truth was he didn’t know if she would approve, it had been weeks since they were last intimate and it weighed on his mind that she made no move to be close. Wondering if she was perhaps feeling she did all the work in that area of the relationship, he would make all the moves this time.
She smiled at him but said nothing and waited for his approach. He was undressing as he moved, slowly unveiling every inch of the body she worshipped and adored. She watched and admired, working to commit every detail to memory.
“Shannon” he whispered, crawling onto the bed and lowering his face to hers. “I love every tiny detail that is you. The tiny brown flecks in your eyes, the freckles on your nose, and parts of you no one else knows. I love your heart and your mind…”
Before he could finish, she pressed her lips to his desperately. Hoping he was feeling it as desire and not the urgent need to stop his confessions.
He was tender and gentle, keeping to his promise of loving every part of her body. Needing her to feel how much she meant to him, that he would do anything for her and to understand that the more she pulled away the harder he would fight for her. The frantic needs of the wolf could wait; this moment was all about loving his woman.
As they lay together Sunday evening, Remus made the mistake of mentioning the future. “I was thinking about this summer. If I remember correctly, you do not have any home here. It might not be as grand as Hogwarts but... I would love if you would come spend some time at my place. We could do things we can’t do here like watch movies, be seen in public…” he chuckled softly.
Shannon froze and he felt it immediately, once again misinterpreting her reactions. “I understand if you don’t want to, it would be quite a change after living here. Maybe I’ll just make frequent trips here to see you instead…”
She had no idea how to answer him and it was killing her that he thought she didn’t want to see his place probably feeling ashamed of it. With no other options, she rolled away and said “let me think about it.”
“Are you crying?” He followed her move and shifted closer. He had let this go too many times and wanted answers for her strange behaviour.
“No” she replied angrily.
“You are a terrible liar” his voice now carried an edge of frustration. “Something is wrong Shannon, something has been wrong for weeks. I’ve tried to let it go and let you handle it but that’s obviously not working. You need to tell me what’s wrong so we can fix it together.”
“I don’t need to do anything, just leave it alone.” It was torture, the weight on her chest constricting her breathing, the thudding of her heart against her ribs. She wasn’t sure how much more she could take.
Remus rolled away without saying a word and she could feel the pain radiating from him, much like the first night they met.
“I love you Remus, that’s all you need to know.” She whispered through the lump in her throat.
“Could have fooled me” he threw back at her. They slept on opposite sides of the bed and when morning came, Remus was gone.
“Yes I understand it’s not normally something you get involved with Albus, but I’m asking as a friend.” Remus was pacing in front of Dumbledore’s desk early Monday morning. This was his last resort, the only other thing he could think to do to get through to Shannon.
“Something is wrong, I know that for sure. You two are close and she’s not talking to me so maybe she’ll talk to you. I just don’t know what else to do.” He sighed and slumped into a chair. “She’s not the same, she’s crying all the time but she doesn’t want me to comfort her. When we… are intimate, she is unresponsive but she says she loves me so it has to be something else. She will say she’s going to visit Hagrid but then she’ll go to the Astronomy Tower and sit there alone...it just doesn’t make any sense.”
“Yes, it does indeed sound like something is weighing heavily on her mind but suppose we do talk and what she tells me is something I cannot share.” Dumbledore spoke up when Remus finally stopped rambling; he wasn’t the only one who had noticed a difference in Shannon. Severus had even commented privately to him that something was not right with the girl. Meals in the Great Hall had been silent and solemn though Severus believed it to be that Sirius Black had been outwitted thus putting an end to whatever plan they’d had.
“That’s fine! I’m not saying you must share all she says I just want her to be alright, to know she has support. Maybe you can help with whatever it is, ease her mind. All I really ask is that if it’s something to do with me; something I’ve done wrong or something I can change please let me know.” Remus was pleading now, desperate for answers.
Dumbledore sat in a thoughtful silence with a sneaking suspicion that the whole ordeal was completely about Remus and that he wouldn’t be able to tell him. “I will do what I can Remus, but I can make you no promises.”
“I love you too Herman, I really do but I need to get this done.” Shannon once again placed the tiny chirping owl on his low perch. Turning back to the job at hand, she sighed when she felt the wind against her neck and the tiny talons digging into her shoulder.
“As if I needed any more proof I had chosen the right woman for the job” Dumbledore’s soft chuckle sounded from the doorway.
Shannon turned and smiled weakly, reaching to grab the tiny ball of feathers and then holding him to her face, giving him a disapproving look. “He’s a great little owl and I’m going to assume he is much loved at home because he’s a major pain while here.”
“If only all of our students treated their fellow creatures so well. Kindheartedness is surely a gift that could change the world if we were all so blessed.”
“Agreed” she nodded and put Herman back on his perch, pointing an unspoken warning at him. “But if the world was perfectly kind and loving, we wouldn’t have the wonderful opportunity to feel pain and sorrow;” words that would have been considered wise if she hadn’t given them with a sarcastic edge. She left the tower to stand with Dumbledore out in the sun and fresh air.
“Which is precisely why I am here my dear girl. I have had two professors come to me to express their concern over you and whatever pain and sorrow it is you are struggling with. I think that perhaps it is time we finished that conversation we started many months ago.”
“Two?” She frowned and reached for Herman once more, this time holding him firm in her hand instead of placing him inside on his perch. She had been rather sullen at dinner; maybe Professor Sprout had notified him of the sudden change of character.
Dumbledore said nothing; he just went on smiling in his knowing way, ignoring the question and going on. “Please come see me after dinner this evening. It is the perfect night to avoid interruptions.” He winked towards the castle and then turned to head down the stairs.
Shannon looked in the direction he had motioned and saw with no real surprise, the shape of a tall, lean man watching from a window across the way. No, she supposed, he wouldn’t be bothering them tonight.
“Would you like something to drink?” Dumbledore offered from behind his desk. This wasn’t going to be an easy conversation for either of them so it was best to be comfortable.
“No thanks, I’m fine” Shannon answered, settling into her seat. In a way it was strange being in the office without Remus or Severus beside her. It was something she had often hoped for on occasions she wanted to be more open with Dumbledore but now it was just another sign that things were falling apart.
“Shame, I brought up a special coffee blend for you; maple, apparently a traditional Canadian flavour.” Dumbledore seemed proud of his newfound knowledge.
“Oh, sure I’ll have some then, it sounds good.” She accepted the steaming cup of coffee which smelled deliciously sweet.
“Well let’s just get right to it shall we?” He asked after a sip of his own cup and his face changed into a passive mask. “I am sure there is no point in my asking this but, do you remember the talk we had in this office just before Christmas; the one where I had to inform you of Severus’s complaint?”
“Yes” Shannon answered slowly, already catching on to where this was going. “You didn’t answer what ‘stories’ I had been telling.”
“Correct and that is what we are here to discuss. I have often told you to be careful what your face is saying and you have yet to master control of particular trait. I shouldn’t have to tell you as time goes by how important secrecy is and while you seem to do quite a good job blocking your mind, you continue to leak information.”
“To everyone or just to you? Because as far as I can see, you are the only one picking up on anything.” Her tone was bitter and petulant. She was not in the mood for a lecture right now; there was already too much going on.
“I am not the only person watching you Shannon. Has it ever occurred to you that it is easier to watch someone from a distance than when seated next to them?” Dumbledore sighed and took another sip of his coffee.
“That’s why you moved me?” Shannon’s eyes widened but she quickly chastised herself for not seeing through the switch earlier and for not questioning Dumbledore’s motives more thoroughly. Nothing was ever as it seemed with this man and she should have known better.
“Among other reasons, yes. I had also thought it fair to give Remus the chance to learn some of your secrets for himself. Alas, he is too deeply in love to see clearly.”
“What?” Her mind was racing, trying to put together what had been said. Did he really mean what she thought he did? This was too much to absorb, it couldn’t be happening.
“Your relationship cannot last, is that true?”
“Yes” Shannon choked out; breathing increasing, chest getting heavy.
“Remus is meant to be with another, is that also true?” He was unrelenting and his face was hard. This was not the wise, patient, loving man she had come to know.
“Yes” she answered in a whisper, too shocked to react. “You knew? All this time? But you encouraged us…”
“Some lessons must be learned the hard way I’m afraid. Coming back here and meddling in things that are beyond your control was a mistake Shannon, a terrible mistake. Losing Remus will have to be one such lesson.” The old blue eyes fixed her with a stern gaze as he waited for her reaction. He had just told her she was too emotional and now she was sitting silent and unaffected.
“But what about Remus?” She asked, tears stinging her eyes while she fought a losing battle against them. She had never cried so much as she had the past couple of months. “He didn’t deserve this.”
“You did this Shannon, not I and I am afraid he will be a casualty in the end. What was the alternative, to tell you two not to see one another?”
“Yes! That’s exactly what you should have done to protect him! You could have spared him from this.” The tears were flowing freely now as the shock started wearing off and the weight of Dumbledore’s words sank in.
“If I had made such a rule when it was so clear from the start that he was smitten with you, I would not have been able to rely on him in the future. People rebel against such restrictions on the heart and they lose confidence in those who enforce them. Love changes everything after all.”
“Are you even hearing yourself? This is ridiculous! You can’t possibly know all of that just from watching my freaking face and you could have told ME to stay away and left him out of it. You did this just to prove a point, how could you? How could you hurt him like this?” her voice rose a couple octaves and she was gripping the coffee cup so hard her knuckles were white.
“Perhaps there was more to it. I am sure you are familiar with the phrase ‘actions speak louder than words’, but unfortunately it was mainly the expressions that would pass over your features that lead me to question the reasons behind them. Once you start asking the right questions, the answers become quite clear.” He answered patiently. “I understand that at a moment like this, it is the natural reaction to look for someone to blame but you came here knowing these things and pursued Remus. I merely let nature take its course.”
“You… don’t you dare put this all on me, you put us beside one another, you told us being together was okay… you told me I would like him back in July!” She was wrestling with the anger that had arisen as protection against the intense pain that was crushing her.
“I didn’t know anything that I know now back in July; you did.” He replied softly.
“I want out” she croaked through the tears. “You said it was wrong to be here, send me home.”
“You will stay and finish what you started, there is no other option. When meddling with time there is no going forward, not when you’ve come back so many years.”
“But we tried going forward and it worked!” The man could not have chosen a worse time to drop that bomb. All this time she had held onto the belief she could go home if anything got too out of hand but now it seemed that she was stuck here for better or for worse. She might never see home again.
“You came back too far, I’m sorry but going forward again is not possible.”
“What am I supposed to do?” Her voice hitched and the searing pain in her chest intensified. She could not stay here at the castle now. Not only would it hold memories of her time with Remus and Dumbledore’s corresponding betrayal but the coming years would be increasingly dangerous and she would be alone with no one to lean on and no one to turn to. Alissa and her perfect family would be in hiding and Remus would be off limits forever.
“You will stay here where you are safe and see things through to the end.” This was not a request, it was an order. “And for the sake of everyone involved, you must learn to control your emotions. As this journey becomes more and more dangerous, I need to be able to count on you to do that at the very least.”
Shannon sat frozen in heartbroken horror. How could he ask this of her after all that had just transpired between them? The castle that had once felt like a home away from home was now a prison where she would be forced to suffer through another four years.
“On the subject of Remus, you might have thought it kind to pull away slowly but you have in fact increased his suffering. The right thing to do would have been to let him be happy to the very end and I am disappointed you did not see that.” Dumbledore sighed and looked away from her stricken face. He didn’t like hurting her in this way but she needed to learn quickly how to survive the coming years and masking feelings while manipulating the people around her was unfortunately all part of the needed skill set.
“You are a very bright girl and you know what is to come even better than I do so I trust you to do what is needed over the next couple of weeks. I am sorry it had to come to this and hope one day you will forgive me. I do value your friendship even if it may not seem that way at the present time.”
She rose slowly from her chair, placing the half-finished coffee on the edge of the desk. The numbness that had kept her functioning through the conversation was wearing off and she knew that if she didn’t escape soon her self-control would crumble. “You chose tonight so that I couldn’t run to him didn’t you?”
Dumbledore nodded and frowned once more. “It would be unkind to add to his suffering with yours don’t you agree?”
With one last tragic haunted glare at the man behind the desk, Shannon fled the office blinded by tears and suffocating on her own breath. Across the courtyard filled with muttering trolls and through the massive front doors. She needed Remus so desperately and yet the truth of Dumbledore’s words lanced through her heart and mind. She had done nothing but cause the man she loved pain, lead him blindly to the top of this mountain where he assumed he would find heaven, only to shove him off the summit and watch as he crashed back to earth.
With a sob, she collided with something solid and recoiled at the familiar smell of well pressed clothing, leather and manly musk mixed with dungeon dankness. This was the last person she needed right now, Severus would revel in her misery, pushing and prodding until he found some way to make it worse. As she pulled away she found herself trapped in surprisingly strong arms which only increased her struggle to be free.
“I am not letting go until you calm down” Severus said with deadly calm. The girl was out of her mind with grief which was a dangerous state to be in for anyone let alone someone who was mated to a werewolf inside the castle and partnered with a killer on the outside. He would see to it that she regained her composure, for the safety of the school of course.
Shannon fought with everything she had, struggling against the body where her arms were pinned; kicking, kneeing and writhing while sobs racked her body. How dare he restrain her in this way, how dare he even touch her. Hadn’t he been lectured enough times by now to just leave her be? “Let me go!” She raged and tried to dig her nails into his chest while arching away in an effort to break the steal trap of his arms.
“No” he replied easily, as if holding a frantic, panicked woman was something he did on a daily basis. “If I let you go now you’re likely to do something stupid.”
Not at all surprised he would insult her in a moment like this; she ceased her struggle and slumped into him wailing. “You were right Severus, you were right about everything.”
His eyebrows shot up for a split second too shocked at her words to realize he was holding her as she clung to him desperately; face pressed into his chest, hands clutched at his back. “Right about what?” His arms loosened around her as he tried to pull away.
“About me” she moaned and held on tighter. He was the only thing keeping her standing now and if he pushed her away she would be left sobbing on the floor. “I am a stupid, irresponsible, useless girl. I don’t belong here and I should have never, should have never…” her words were cut off with another heart wrenching wail.
They couldn’t stand here like this in the entrance and Severus was now deeply regretting his decision to stop her mad dash. Cleaning up whatever mess she got herself into would surely have been easier than attempting to console her which was particularly disturbing and uncomfortable. Figuring he had seen enough to know she would survive, he closed his eyes and pictured his room.
The world went black, bright pinpricks of light exploded behind her eyelids and she was squeezed from all angles until she felt as if she would never breathe again. As suddenly as it had started, the pressure was gone, lights were shining in a dimly lit room and she stood still holding onto Severus and whimpering against him. When she weakened for a moment after the dizzying trip, he pushed her into a chair and told her to stay.
His room was very different from his home and she wondered which of the two more accurately portrayed him. Where his home was tiny and cramped, his room here in the castle was spacious and open; larger than her room by far, the walls were still lined with countless books and jars of colourful liquids and powders. There were no pictures on the walls or decorations of any kind other than a Slytherin banner hanging above the desk where she was now seated. The bed was large and covered in heavy blankets and the dark leather chair by the massive fireplace shone like new.
Severus had his back to her standing at a long counter and was bustling about clinking jars and muttering to himself. When he turned back to her holding a steaming cup, she raised her teary bloodshot eyes to him. The bright red brought on by her outburst surrounded by the dark spikes of her wet eyelashes made her blue eyes glow unnaturally bright and he shoved the cup into her hands ordering her to drink it.
“What is it?” She asked, eyeing the swirling mauve liquid, her voice thick and full of gravel.
“Drink it” he repeated angrily wanting to add that she should accept this kindness without question before he changed his mind and forced her out of his room.
She chewed the inside of her lip weighing the pros and cons of the situations and finally decided that he couldn’t actually harm her without Dumbledore finding out so it was probably safe to drink. The thought of Dumbledore brought fresh tears and she hiccoughed when she attempted a steadying breath. She raised the cup to her lips and sipped at the potion which was sweet and warm. It smelled of roses and spread with a tingling sensation through her body, relaxing every muscle, easing her breathing and soothing her aching heart.
He stood still as a statue with his arms crossed over his chest, impatient to have his room back to himself and to have this problem dealt with. “Finish it” he commanded watching relaxation move over her body.
She frowned at him and obeyed, emptying the cup and placing it on his desk. “Stress remedy?” she questioned remembering vaguely the potion the nurse had given Herman back on the first full day of the school year.
He said nothing when he leaned forward to retrieve the empty silver cup and another question popped into her head and out of her lips. “Did we just apparate? I thought only Dumbledore could do that inside the castle…”
“I’m sure you think a lot of things” he said scathingly “as if it’s a surprise you are once again wrong about something.” After replacing the cup on the counter, he turned to the door and held it open. “You may go now.”
He didn’t need to ask twice. Now that she was at ease it was increasingly awkward to be sitting in a bedroom with the man who had made the past year so difficult but then appeared out of nowhere to make this horrible night a little easier. She couldn’t decide if she hated him a little less for it or a little more. Besides, as the potion kept working to reach every cell in her body, she just wanted to go to bed and sleep it off.
She turned to thank him but before the words could escape he shut the door on her face. Hate him a little more, definitely, she thought as she turned to make her way down the cold corridor towards the stairs.
“Wake up love” the cool slender hand was pushing hair out of her face and the loving voice was heavy with worry. “I have a treat for you…maybe not the best thing for someone who is ill but I know you’ll like it.”
Ill? Why would he think she was ill? She was fighting against the heavy darkness as if coming out of a deep paralysis; her brain struggling to find the controls to wake and open her eyes. She smelled something now and her stomach rumbled angrily, demanding she rouse faster.
“Come now, you can do it.” He said encouragingly and she could hear the smile in his voice.
“You know I’m not a morning person” she whispered with some effort.
“It’s afternoon… Friday afternoon.” He stroked her face again, smoothing her brow.
That got her eyes open pretty quickly as she shot up narrowly missing a head on collision with Remus who jumped out of the way just in time. “Friday? How? Oh my goodness, I missed work! Are you sure it’s Friday?”
“Yes I’m positive” he chuckled softly “don’t worry about work, Hagrid took care of it and we’re all allowed to get sick. Lord knows I’ve had my fair share of sick days.”
“Well I should get ready then! If it’s afternoon, there’s still time.” She reached to pull the blankets back but he stopped her, tucking her back in and putting a pillow behind her to lean against.
“No no my love, you are going to sit here and eat and drink. I’ve already taken care of the owls today.”
“You?” she asked skeptically and eyed the fussing hands trying to keep her in bed.
“I know how to clean up after owls thank you” he grinned and placed a platter in her lap. “And today was a half day to get the students ready for exams. I got Moss done too.”
“Remus I’m not sick” she argued and took in the delicious smell coming off the tray. A cheese pizza, her absolute favourite food in the world, sat before her and she was pretty sure she could eat the entire thing.
“I beg to differ. You look… er, looked awful. I was in here on Thursday but you were completely dead to the world. Nothing I could do to wake you and you were burning up, moaning in your sleep. I had to get Madam Pomfrey in here but she said we had to wait for the potion to wear off. So I went to Severus who sent me to Dumbledore and he wouldn’t give me any answers. I have been worried sick about you.”
Shannon frowned and asked “the potion made me sick?”
“No, she said the potion was keeping you asleep to fight whatever was going on. She just couldn’t diagnose anything until you were awake; said most likely stress induced and that rest would do you well but that didn’t stop me from worrying.” He handed her a huge glass of apple juice. “I wondered when I would get the chance to repay you for taking care of me.”
She smiled at him hovering over her bed wondering why he wasn’t pressing for any answers. He could have asked about the talk with Dumbledore or how she came to have taken potion to begin with. Instead he apparently just wanted to watch her eat, so she obliged and it felt wonderful.
When she finished, she crawled out of bed distinctly aware she had been in the same clothes for three days and needed a shower. This was entirely unacceptable to Remus who failing to keep her in bed, took her to his seat by the fire and pulled her into his lap.
“Remus I smell awful” she groaned and tried to lean away from him.
“You smell wonderful” he said honestly “like pizza and woman and I don’t know any man who doesn’t like that combination.”
She couldn’t help the grin that escaped and relaxed against his chest, throwing her legs over the edge of the chair. “Can I tell you a story Remus?”
“Of course you can” his hands moved in slow soothing motions trailing up and down her back and her legs.
“When I was a little girl living in Vancouver, we had weather much like here. People would make jokes that there are three different types of rain in Canada. Light, heavy and Vancouver.”
Remus smiled and nodded her on.
“So of course we always had wet playgrounds and often worms would find themselves stranded on the asphalt. I don’t remember what brought it on, maybe seeing other kids being cruel or maybe watching the death throes of a worm drowning in a puddle but I decided early on to become the worm saviour. I just couldn’t bear the thought of those helpless creatures being trampled on or struggling to breathe.”
“I can’t say I’m at all surprised by this story” Remus laughed “you are after all the sweetest, kindest person I have met.”
“Not always” she smiled weakly “but there’s more.”
“There always is with you” he teased “go on.”
“Well…my dedication to the worms became a socially limiting trait. I would forgo games with friends to spend all my recesses and lunch hours saving worms. Kids would make fun of me because of it and of course there were those who would try to torture me by threatening to step on one or whatever. In those instances I would shove them out of the way and pick the worm up with my bare hands. I hated the feeling of their cold, slimy bodies in my hand but kept doing it just to save them.”
“You know, you would have been a Gryffindor” Remus added somewhat off topic and deep in thought.
Shannon’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, she was in fact a Gryffindor but she only knew that through a test written by the author of this real life story. She couldn’t share that information but was pleased he had come to the same conclusion either way. “Maybe I would have been, funny you say that though because Alissa once said I would have been either a Ravenclaw or a Hufflepuff and she’s known me much longer.”
“She hasn’t known you better” he added sagely.
“Maybe that’s true but I don’t take her opinion on the matter seriously, especially since she wanted to be a Slytherin.”
“You need to be more careful when choosing friends” he joked and grinned playfully.
“Anyways my point” she continued “maybe it will change your opinion. The first point is that now that I think back on that, I’m not sure if I was saving the worms for their sake or for mine. I’m sure they didn’t want to die but when I rescued them it was to save myself from the agony of watching something die. I’m not sure if their feelings were ever foremost on my mind.”
“I think that’s just over analyzing love, you were doing a good and kind thing. It wouldn’t hurt to watch something die if you put no value in how they felt.” Remus said wisely “and sometimes feelings don’t stand up to deep analysis, sometimes they aren’t meant to. They stem from a place we will never fully understand.”
Shannon gazed at him with awe. “You are the most amazing man I have ever known.”
He blushed and laughed the compliment off then waited for her to continue.
“The second and most important point of that story is that if I had remembered it a year ago, I would not be here.”
“Well thank goodness for that then” he said with all seriousness.
“No, hear me out, this is important and maybe the most honest I will ever be able to be with you.” This wasn’t going to be easy, skating around the truth while giving him a fair warning but he deserved it.
He was completely serious now, understanding that this was important. “I’m listening.”
“I came to Hogwarts knowing quite a bit about the next few years. Terrible things are going to happen here, things I can’t even begin to explain. Thing is, I didn’t need to be here, I’m not helping anything. I already know that the way it will end is the way it should be. Do you understand what I’m saying? I didn’t come to Hogwarts to pass on some important life-saving information; I came because of a selfish desire to be part of it all. What is meant to happen will happen whether I am here or not.”
Remus sat in silence, letting the words sink in and trying to make sense of the conversation as a whole. “What does this have to do with worms?”
“Maybe the worms weren’t meant to be saved. Maybe I was interfering with nature when I did save them.” It didn’t escape her notice that in a roundabout way she was calling Severus a worm. Focusing once more on the conversation she added “self-knowledge is a gift and a curse. If I had used it, pain would be spared. Having ignored it, I’ve cursed myself and those I love to suffering.”
Smiling slightly Remus said “wise one, I don’t understand what you mean.”
Shannon sighed sadly. “If I am too soft to let a worm die, how foolish to think I think I could come here and stand by while people died.”
“People are going to die?” This was indeed important information and he never imagined she could know so much. Dumbledore keeping her here made sense now as did the stress she had been struggling with.
“Not for years but yes, there will be a war and people will die. You know I can’t give you any more information than that even if I wanted to. You will just have to trust that Dumbledore knows what he is doing.” Even knowing how everything ended and the sacrifice Dumbledore would make, the words still tasted bitter after the last conversation she had had with the old wizard.
They sat in silence a long while, Remus gazing into the fire and thinking through all that had been said. When finally he spoke, it was a point of view from which Shannon had never been able to see. “You are here now which means you were always meant to be here. Everything happens for a reason.”
“That’s not always easy to believe” she said with finality. She wondered if he would feel the same in two weeks’ time. “Anyways, that is what has been bothering me, that is what I talked about with Dumbledore and had me so upset and that is why Severus gave me potion. You deserve to know that much at least, especially after putting up with me this past month.”
“Putting up with you is not a chore but thank you for the information; it is a weight off my chest. How much does Severus know?” He wasn’t sure where the question came from but it suddenly seemed very important.
“Not as much as you do now I don’t think. He has always tried to get in on the conversations between Dumbledore and me but we have never gone too deep into it while he’s around.” She was stroking his chest and fingering the outline of the pendant he wore under his shirt.
Pleased at the response, Remus caught her hand and kissed it before joking “some days you are completely mentally exhausting. Listen to me carefully, you are soft and sweet yes but you are also strong and brave. I know that you can do whatever you have to do and I know you will do what’s best; I have complete faith in you. ” Then he was shifting her sideways to stand and pulling her off to relax in a hot bath.