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I made a point to fill up my days as much as possible. Even though the rent on the apartment was paid up through the rest of the lease, thanks to Metallica's first real influx of money, I found employment doing studio backing vocals and some jingle work. I wrote and even started performing again with some musician contacts from my club days. I hung out with friends, especially Kelly and Corinne, who could always be counted on to pull me out of a mood when missing Jamie became more than I could bare. In fact, Corinne and I had a standing weekly dinner at my place, where she and I could commiserate in private. How many girls did we know had rock star boyfriends who were out touring the world? She understood the worries and the loneliness.
James would call every few days and we'd catch each other up as well as we could. In the beginning, we'd stay on the line as long as possible, just happy to feel connected. After the first few weeks, his phone calls seemed to come less often and never seemed to last as long. He seemed distracted when we talked, like I was keeping him from other things. I tried to not let on how that hurt me, trying to keep in mind the pressures of a big tour and all the responsibilities that entailed. I was surprised then, when he told me that he wanted me to come join him on tour for a few days while they were passing through the New York area. He figured it made sense since then I could see some of our East Coast friends who were planning on attending the shows. I was super excited and I could hear the smile in Jamie's voice when he gave me the news, laughing over the phone at my exuberance. Two days later, I was packed and on a flight, wondering what kind of reception I would get from him when I got there.
~
The airport in Albany was fairly small as far as airports go, and I assumed it wouldn't be too difficult to find James. He wasn't at the gate when I landed, and after waiting ten minutes, I figured he probably meant for me to meet him at baggage claim, though I hadn't packed enough for a larger suitcase and the small one I brought had easily fit in the overhead. With a smile back on my face, I followed the signs until I got to the luggage carousels. Most everyone from my flight seemed to have grabbed their stuff and headed out and only a few stragglers remained, none of them were Jamie. My last option was curbside pick-up. Making sure my jacket was zipped against the early spring chill, I walked outside, keeping an eye out for my tall wild-haired boy. Almost immediately a horn honked to my left, and breathing a sigh of relief, I turned expecting James. Instead, a familiar car pulled up driven by an even more familiar face, who was also not James. Still, I was glad to see a smiling Metal Joe as he parked and came around the car to give me a heartfelt hug, lifting my feet off the ground in the process.
Setting me back down, his smile gave way to a frown. "I know you was expectin' James, I hope you're not too disappointed that it's just me."
I was disappointed, but not at seeing Joe. "I couldn't ask for a better welcoming committee than you Joe."
He cocked his head at me and gave a wan smile. "That's nice of you to say Leila, but I know you and James well enough to know how things are. He should be here and I know he wanted to be, but they're travelin' from Boston today and he asked me to come get you on my way up." His lips twisted then into a grimace. "I could tell he was real pissed about not comin' himself."
"Well then, James and I are lucky to have you to count on." My words were heartfelt as I smiled up at him. "Thank you again for bein' such an amazing friend."
He blushed bright red before he covered his embarrassment by grabbing my stuff and putting it in the car before opening the passenger door and ushering me inside.
It was an hour drive up to Glen Falls, NY where the band was performing the next day, and Joe and I spent the time catching up. I was happy to hear that he was still doing roadie work for some east coast bands, since I knew how much he loved working behind the scenes. He was still at the family farm, and his younger brother had moved in while attending college. I think Joe liked the company, and I could hear the pride in his voice as he spoke about keeping his brother on the straight and narrow while going to school. I guess we were all growing up, each of us, in our own way, making that next tentative step into adulthood.
I was lost in thought for a moment and didn't catch Joe's question until he repeated himself. "So...um...are you and James doin' ok? I noticed you disappeared at the album release party and then I saw James tearin' outta there lookin' real upset. You can tell me to fuck off...I'm just worried about you two is all."
"There are a lotta people I wouldn't mind tellin' to fuck off, but you Joe definitely aren't one of them."
I knew my attempt to avoid the subject with humor was feeble at best. He shot me a look and I sunk lower in my seat, staring out at the passing scenery.
"Things have been...challenging," I said softly, but I knew he was listening. "I don't think either of us completely understood what we were gettin' into with the band becoming successful. I'm really happy for him...for all of them...they've worked so hard and deserve it...but—"
"But I imagine it's hard to have a normal relationship?" he supplied helpfully.
"Yeah, I guess that's part of it. Lately though...lately I'm just startin' to wonder..."
I couldn't finish the sentence, it was too painful to even think it much less say it.
"What are you wondering Lei?" Joe prompted gently.
When I answered, I did it quickly before I chickened out. "I...I'm startin' to wonder if James even wants to be in this relationship anymore."
The words hung in the air for a moment and I felt my chest tighten with grief.
"Did he say that?" I could hear the disbelief in Joe's voice.
"No, not in words, but...but more in the way he's been actin'. I keep tryin' to give him the benefit of the doubt, I know he has a shitload of pressure on him right now but—"
"But that's no excuse Lei. You should always come first."
I appreciated Joe's loyalty, but the direction of our conversation was more painful than I was up for at the moment. Abruptly, I changed the subject. "So, how much farther to the hotel?"
I pretended to not see the look he gave me.
"Fine, I'll let it go," he grumbled. "But just so's you don't think I'm one-sided on this whole thing, I have one more thing to say and then I'll drop it. James has always loved you like I've never seen a guy love a girl. Not that I blame him." I blushed at that, and his mouth stretched into a grin as he continued, "Maybe he's pulled in different directions, maybe he has a lot on his plate...but I'd bet my ass that you are and always will be, the most important thing in his life."
I felt my eyes mist at Joe's words and threw him a grateful smile. Taking my earlier cue, he started talking about the area we were going to, filling up the rest of the drive with conversation that had nothing to do with Jamie and me. Before I knew it, we'd arrived at the Ramada Inn that the band and crew were slated to stay at, though I noticed that the tour busses had yet to arrive. Joe went to go check on his room while I curled up on an oversized chair in an adjacent lounge area. My eyes began to droop and I didn't even fight the urge as I slipped into slumber.
I could tell I hadn't slept that long, but something had woken me up. I quickly realized the something was in fact a someone, a someone who was moving his lips tenderly over mine. Still half asleep, I slid my hands around his neck to pull him closer as he deepened the kiss. Breathless moments went by before he finally drew away. Opening my eyes sleepily, I smiled wide into the face of my boyfriend. His eyes were dark with emotion and desire as he hovered over me.
"Hi," I whispered.
"Hi," he whispered back as he carefully swiped a curl from my cheek. "Do you know how fuckin beautiful you are all curled up sleeping? I was almost afraid to touch ya in case you vanished into thin air."
I opened my mouth to respond but Bobby Schneider, the band's tour manager, called for James to come over to the registry desk for his key and room number. Rolling his eyes at the intrusion, he kissed me on the forehead before slowly standing back up and making his way over while I unfurled from my comfy spot. Joe was sitting on the couch across from where I sat, and he made a point of giving me an I-told-you-so look. I stuck my tongue out at him in response, and he just laughed me off.
After getting their rooms straightened out, all the guys came over and we spent a few minutes saying hi and catching up. Eventually the crew made to leave, since they planned to get the set-up done that day with the Ozzy crew, but we all agreed to find someplace in town to hang out that evening. Joe, Cliff, Kirk, and Lars went to get some food and afternoon beers, leaving Jamie and I alone to head up to his room.
The elevators doors had barely closed before he was pulling me into his arms and kissing me until I was a moaning into his mouth.
"I fuckin' missed you so bad baby," he growled against my lips as he pressed me tight against him.
Just then, the elevator stopped at our floor and the doors opened to reveal an older couple staring at us in shock. My cheeks flushed with embarrassment as I walked past, Jamie right behind me carrying our bags. He gave me a shameless wink and I couldn't stop from laughing giddily as I followed him to our room. Taking the key out of his pocket, I opened the door and held it open while he went in with our stuff. Hanging the "Do not disturb" sign on the outside knob, I was locking the deadbolt when I felt James come up behind me, sweeping the hair off my neck to kiss and nibble there. Sighing in happiness, I relaxed back against him as he wrapped an arm around my waist, his lips continuing to work down and around my neck while his other hand was working up under my t-shirt to stroke my stomach. Turning my face towards him, his mouth moved over mine, his tongue seeking immediate entrance which I gladly gave. We stayed like that for many minutes, our kisses becoming more passionate and frenzied as the need to make love took over. Abruptly, Jamie pulled away, and then without a word, proceeded to unceremoniously haul me up and onto his shoulder.
"What are you doing?" I half squeaked and half yelped.
"Takin' my woman to bed," he grunted as he made his way down the short hall and into the main part of the hotel room.
"Ok Tarzan," I giggled as he laid me down gently on the bedspread.
I lay there watching him wide-eyed as he shrugged off his leather jacket and peeled off the t-shirt underneath, before beating his solid chest gorilla style. I was still laughing at that when he pounced on me, my laughter turning to moans and whimpers as he proceeded to fuck my brains out.
After, we lay tangled in each other's arms as we talked quietly for a long time, James filling me in on how the tour was going and me catching him up about things back at home.
"So you've been gettin' in a bunch of writing?" Jamie was asking as he brushed a hand through my hair slowly.
"Yep. And I didn't get a chance to tell you before, but the studio I'm doin' vocals for, they're gonna let me have some studio time at a discounted rate so I can start recording my music. Things are comin' together."
"Wow, that's all really good news baby." I could see the pride on James' face and hear it in his voice. "Yer such an amazing musician Leila, it's only a matter of time before people start to see what I already know."
"Yeah, but yer biased cuz you love me," I countered cheekily.
"I'd be crazy not to." His eye darkened then with emotion, and I suddenly found it hard to breathe.
Moments like this made it almost impossible to remember that things were shaky between us. I wished it were always like this again, and I hoped, though it seemed counter-intuitive, that this time apart would bring us back together. If the last couple hours were any indicator, we were on the right track.
"So do you think anyone would miss us if we just stayed here tonight?" Jamie was asking as he nuzzled my cheek with his nose, his hands moving leisurely up and down my back, setting off shivers.
"Mmmmhmmm," I mumbled, distracted by his touch. "We'll hear about it, but I'm pretty sure I don't give a shit."
The last word ended on a gasp as one of his large hands had worked its way back around and a thumb was brushing lightly over one of my sensitive nipples. Looking to James, I saw a slow smile spread across his face, his eyes glazing over with lust.
"I can't even think about leavin' this room until I make love to you again Leila." He leaned forward and licked at the nipple. "I need see you cum again, that might be enough to hold me for now."
His words and touch were making me tremble. Stretching over, I brushed my lips against his before running my tongue over his lower lip and dipping into the heat of his mouth. His arms tightened around me as he forced me onto my back almost roughly, his breathing becoming labored as I continued to kiss and lick him. He did make love to me then, stretching out the moment of release for so long, that by the time it came, I was practically sobbing his name in ecstasy. The sound of Jamie crying out my name as he came, caused extra spasms of pleasure to reverberate through every nerve ending in my body. We collapsed in a heap after that; where he began and ended indistinguishable from where I began and ended. Exhausted, we fell asleep.
Sometime later, the sound of the phone ringing woke us both up, and I realized we must have slept for a while since it was now dark outside.
Cursing under his breath, Jamie answered it. 'Yeah?" he grumbled sleepily into the phone as he used his free arm to pull me tight against him.
There was the sound of talking on the other end, but I wasn't able to make out any words. James just kind of grunted through the phone conversation before mumbling a goodbye and managing to get the handset back onto the receiver.
He let out a sigh before reaching out fingers to stroke down my arm. "Our presence is being demanded."
"Our what?" I half yawned.
"That's how Kirk relayed the message from Lars." Jamie's voice was still rough from sleep. "Our presence is demanded this evening for food, drinks, and depravity. Makes him sound like the fuckin' queen of England."
I snickered at that and his eyes moved over my face tenderly.
"I can't imagine the queen of England doing anything that might come close to being considered depraved. Lars on the other hand—"
"Yeah, that kid has takin' to bein' a rock star like a duck to water." James sighed. "Signing autographs, gettin' his picture taken, fuckin' the groupies...he lives for that shit." He shook his head in disgust.
"Well just think of it this way"—I used a finger to trace patterns over the firm muscles of his chest—"since Lars is more than happy smiling and sucking up, then you won't hafta, and you can just focus on makin' music like you were meant to."
"I like that part," he agreed, his lips twisting into a smile.
"And as for the rest of those rock star perks"—my voice got husky as I slid my hand under the sheets to brush against his quickly growing hard-on—"I'm more than happy to do my part too."
He sucked in a breath as my hand closed over him and began to stroke gently. I watched as his eyes began to get heavy with desire and his breathing became more labored. Lust was running through my body like live electric currents, every part of me charging up with the need for more. But I knew if we didn't get a move on, Lars would come down and start banging on the door, so unfortunately that meant waiting until later to make love again. It occurred to me that maybe it was a good thing letting Jamie stew a little. Make him want me so bad he couldn't see straight, by stretching out the sexual tension like we used to while on tour together. Especially, since the pay-off was always worth it in the end. With that in mind, abruptly I released my hold on his cock, rolling away from him and scooting off the bed before he even knew what was happening.
"Leila, what the fuck?" He looked genuinely bewildered and I had to bite my lip from laughing at his confusion.
"Come on baby, time to get up," I answered with sham innocence. "The guys are gonna be waitin' for us."
"When did I ever give a fuck about anything else when I've got you in bed?" He sulked as he sat up, fixing me with an accusing eye. "Do you have some evil plan to make me walk around with a huge fuckin' hard-on all night?"
I swallowed hard at that image and forced myself to keep from looking below his waist. Instead, I just smiled blithely as I walked around the bed, sticking my breasts out just a little. His eyes were following me closely as I came around, and the desire in those blue depths almost made me ditch the whole idea of holding out. I held strong. But only just barely.
"You have a hard-on from little ole me?" I bat my eyelashes playfully and barely avoided a swat to my butt. Turning towards the bathroom I put a little more sway in my step, and I could feel him staring hard at my naked ass. "Come on baby, I'm starving." Stopping at the door, I looked back at him, my smile and eyes filled with promise. "And I need to build up my strength for later."
With that, I walked into the bathroom and closed the door behind me, but not before I heard Jamie from the bed.
"Yer gonna fuckin' kill me baby...but holy shit, whatta way to go."
~
An hour later, and the whole band, and most of the crew, had made our way into an Irish style pub that had come recommended by some locals. It was about half full and we got a lot of looks, not surprising considering they probably didn't get a bunch of scruffy long-haired metal types in that often. We grabbed a bunch of tables in the back near a jukebox that was currently blasting Aerosmith. James looked around with a sham snobby expression, nodding in approval at our hang out spot for the night. He winked at me cheekily and I laughed as he left me to go get us some drinks at the bar. I waited until I saw him put our order in and then turn back around to face my direction to talk to Cliff, before standing up to take off my jacket. I'd gotten fully dressed in the bathroom and put on my jacket so that he wouldn't see my outfit; all part of my strategy to stretch his patience to the breaking point. Sure enough, his eyes went wide as I shimmied off my top layer to reveal tight ripped jeans that sat low on my hips, and a black off the shoulder crop top that was molded over my breasts and left my shoulders and stomach bare. His eyes kind of bugged out for a moment, and I had to work hard to keep from laughing as Cliff turned to see what had caught Jamie's attention, before shaking his head in amusement. The bass player turned back to continue his conversation, but even from where I was sitting, I could see he didn't have James' focus. The bartender had apparently set down our beers, but Cliff had to nudge James in the shoulder to get him to notice. He gave a sheepish smile and grabbed our drinks and came over, his gaze intensifying with each step.
Sitting down next to me, he slid me my beer and then took a long swallow of his own. Setting it down with more force than necessary, he dragged my chair closer to his before leaning in near to my ear. "So you are tryin' to kill me."
He didn't say the words so much as growl them, and my body almost liquefied on the spot. Oh god, how long was I going to be able to last before I jumped him? Not long.
"Can't a girl dress nice when she comes to see her boyfriend?" I asked innocently, taking a sip of beer to hide my smile.
"If by 'nice', you mean so fuckin' hot I wanna bend you over this table and take ya right here, then yeah, you look real nice."
I felt heat immediately pool at the junction of my thighs and I let out a little gasp. He was watching me close, his eyes midnight blue, and I could see him clench and unclench his fists and I knew he was having a hard time staying in control. I wasn't any better since I was only a look or word away from letting him take me back to the hotel immediately.
"Leila..." he groaned like he was in pain. "I—"
"Hey you two, what can I get for ya?"
We both looked up at the older waitress standing at our table, and I knew we had matching red cheeks.
I looked down in embarrassment while Jamie stammered out our order. "Um...yeah. I'll have a...um...cheeseburger with fries and my girl here will have...Lei, you want chili fries?" I nodded silently. "Yeah, and chili fries."
I looked up in time to see the waitress finish writing down our order before giving us an amused smile and walking away. We were never very good at being discreet about our feelings for each other. Looking sideways at Jamie, his lips were stretching into a wry smile and I found myself answering his with one of my own.
"This is gonna be a long night isn't it?" He shook his head in defeat before taking another gulp of beer.
Leaning in close, I went in for the kill. "If by 'long night', you mean I'm gonna rock yer world all night long, then yeah, it's gonna be a very long night." I smiled in satisfaction as his eyes narrowed and I could see the bulge growing in his jeans as I stood up. "I'm gonna go use the ladies room." I leaned down near his ear, my breath whispering against his neck. "Start thinking about all the things you wanna do to me later, cuz I know I already have an extensive list."
With that, I sauntered away, but not before hearing James swear under his breath.
I wanted to feel smug as I entered the bathroom and used the toilet, but really I was just as helpless by my need for him as he was for me. The thought was actually kind of sobering as I finished up and went to wash my hands. How could there be so much love and so much desire between the two of us, and yet lately, we always seemed to be on the edge of some precipice, always at risk of a misstep? I wanted to just relax and enjoy this time together, but I couldn't escape the little voice in the back of my head that wondered how long it would be before things went south again.
"Come on Leila," I whispered angrily to myself as I stared at my reflection in the mirror over the sink, "stop over-thinkin' and expectin' the worse. Yer here together, and whatever happens tomorrow or the next day, we'll figure it out."
Pushing the negative thoughts away, I touched up my lipstick and headed back out, happy to see that our food had arrived.
Jamie was mid bite into his burger as he looked up at me guiltily. "Sorry," he tried apologizing with his mouth full. "The food showed up and I realized I was starving."
I giggled at that as I sat down. "No worries. I'm not surprised though, considering how much energy you...um...exerted...earlier."
His eyes narrowed with lust and I quickly looked down to my plate and dug in to distract myself from jumping him.
As we ate and talked, I started to notice how raucous the rest of our group had gotten in the short time we'd been there. Beers and shots were flowing, and the guys were making friends with the locals, especially the ladies. Lars was already talking up one cute girl, and I guess James couldn't pass up the opportunity to give him shit.
"Hey Lars!" he shouted across the room and the drummer looked up immediately. "Make sure this one doesn't have a boyfriend."
Lars scowled at the two of us as we cackled, flipping us the bird as he went back to trying to charm his way into the girl's pants. Lars did have a proven history of picking girls who were not necessarily single and had narrowly avoided getting his ass kicked on more than one occasion.
We spent the next couple hours drinking and talking to our friends. Turns out there were a number of Metallica fans at the bar in town for the show the next night, and more showed up as the night progressed. I didn't mind so much having to share Jamie with the fans as they came up to say hi, taking the opportunity to go get a beer while he chatted with a couple guys. Standing at the bar while I waited for the bartender, I discreetly watched James across the room, thinking that even though fan interaction was something we'd both gotten more comfortable with, it was still a little strange to have complete strangers coming up to my boyfriend and knowing so much about him. Strange, but not altogether unfamiliar now that he'd been touring the last three years and the band was becoming more well known. This Ozzy tour was going to make them even more famous and I knew I couldn't begrudge him that, especially since he'd worked so hard to get here and I was incredibly proud of the musician he'd become.
"Earth to Leila." Cliff waved a hand in front of my face and I jumped. "What's got you lookin' so serious?"
Without waiting for an answer, he handed me a shot of something foul looking and we clinked our glasses and took the drink in one swallow. I immediately gagged. "Shit Cliff, was that pure gasoline topped with WD40?"
"Lightweight," he snickered as he lit a cigarette.
"You tryin' to blow this place up too?" I teased, and he shrugged as he took a drag and looked at me pointedly; I remembered then that he'd asked me a question. "Oh right. I was just thinkin' about how far you guys have come and how much has happened in a short time."
"It's a trip ain't it?"
"Yeah it is. But it's good...I mean, you've worked yer asses off and now it's payin' off."
He nodded. "Feels like we're still workin' our asses off, but yeah, the payin' off part is nice. Especially seein' real money come in so I can give a little something back to my folks. After everything they've done for me, that feels real good."
I smiled at that. Cliff was close to his parents, and even though he wasn't a touchy feely kind of guy with most people, you could easily see how much he loved and respected them.
"Well I think yer folks would be proud no matter what." He gave a small smile as I continued, "Speakin' of people who are proud of you, Corinne wanted me to make sure I told you that she's thinkin' about you and she misses you. And most importantly....don't forget that yer her big baby boo lover boy."
I added the last part as a joke, and doubled over with laughter at the look of horror on his face.
"That's fucked up Leila," he grumbled, though I could see the laughter in his eyes. "My girl would never say I was her—what did you call me?"
"B...big baby boo lover boy." I almost lost it again.
"Yeah that. Never in a million years could I imagine her sayin' that."
I looked at him sideways and I could tell by the look on his face he was missing her. "I agree." I nudged him affectionately with my shoulder. "You really got yerself an amazing girl Cliff. She's helped me a lot, and I'd like to think that I'm helpin' her too. It's tough bein' the one left behind...too much time to think about what yer missin."
He mulled on that for a moment. "Did...did she tell you were thinkin' about buyin' a house when the tour is done? Move in together ya know?"
"She did and I think that's great. Really great." I turned to look at him, so he could see I was sincere. "Look, I know you don't like to talk much about real personal stuff—"
"Not that that's stopped ya before." He smiled slyly, and I knew he was referring to my heavy-handedness at getting him and Corinne together.
"Yeah ok, but that was for yer own good," I maintained stubbornly. "And you wouldn't be together now, so don't even try to make me feel guilty." He just shook his head amused and took another drag off his cigarette as I continued, "Anyway, all I was gonna say was, I'm glad yer runnin' to love and not from it."
Unexpectedly, my voice cracked with emotion and the smirk on his face slipped as he peered down at me, his gaze unwavering. "You ok?"
I shrugged awkwardly. "Ask me after this tour."
He looked like he wanted to say more, but then a couple guys came up to get his autograph and I slipped away. I didn't need to open up that can of worms, not tonight anyway.
The atmosphere in the bar was getting rowdier and a bunch of people were dancing to the music blasting from the jukebox. Kirk was grooving with a pretty redhead and they motioned for me to come over and join them. Looking to James, I could see he was still deep in conversation with the same guys, but his gaze caught mine across the distance and I felt my legs go weak at the look in his eyes. Deciding to release some pent up sexual tension on the dancefloor, I threw him a smile over my shoulder as I went to join Kirk.
It didn't take long for me to lose myself in the rhythm of the music as I swayed my hips and felt my worries fade. A song by Van Halen came on and Kirk and I were trading off air guitar moves while his new friend laughed at our antics. I felt a familiar tingling along my skin and looked up to notice Jamie watching me from across the bar again, and I intentionally changed up my dance moves to make them more suggestive, as if daring him to come get me. I didn't have long to wait as he ditched the guys he was talking to and wove his way determinedly through the crowd towards me. There was no preamble as he pulled me into his arms, his lips seeking out mine. I didn't even try and resist as I melted against him.
"Well, I sure hope they know each other," Kirk's redhead giggled nearby.
We ignored everything else around us as I wound my arms around his neck, pressing myself up against him even more as he deepened the kiss. I felt a groan reverberate through his chest and I moaned into his mouth making him instantly hard. I could feel him rubbing against me and knew I couldn't take any more teasing. Tearing my mouth from his, I stared up at him and felt the warmth in my belly intensify as I noticed his chest heaving. It was clear his patience was spent as well.
"See ya tomorrow Kirk," James growled, his eyes never leaving my face.
He grabbed my hand and led us over to grab our jackets. I could still hear the redhead.
"Wow, are they always that hot for each other?"
Kirk's laughter followed us as we practically ran for the exit. Outside, I was back in Jamie's arms again as he pressed me up against a parked car. Somehow though we managed to find a cab and make it back to the hotel without losing lip contact, where James and I proceeded to make up for an evening spent in barely controlled lust. And I was right, the payoff was worth the wait.
~
We slept in late the next morning and I spent a long time in the shower, the heat working its way into my overworked muscles. I couldn't help but blush as memories of the previous night came back to me. He had loved me thoroughly all night, always making sure I was beyond satisfied, and in between he had spoken so sweetly, so lovingly, I couldn't keep the silly smile off my face even now. Maybe we were truly past whatever had haunted us all these months, maybe we were truly back to how things should be. It sure felt like it, and I had the goofy smile and aching body to prove it.
Finishing up, I borrowed the hotel robe hanging on the door and made my way back out to the bedroom to find Jamie still crashed out. Climbing back onto the bed I sat next to him, taking a few minutes to watch him while he slept. Gently brushing away a couple stray strands off his hair, I resisted the urge to stroke his face and kiss him awake. I knew I was biased by my love for him, but looking at him as he slept, I didn't think there was a more beautiful boy anywhere on the planet. The length of his lashes as they lay against his cheeks, his incredibly kissable lips, a body I never got tired of touching. I knew he wasn't, but to me he was perfect.
Not able to resist a moment more, I traced a finger lightly down one side of his face before running it over his lower lip. It wasn't enough to wake him, but he let out a low moan and I heard him mumble my name. Leaning forward, I pressed my lips softly against his forehead and then one cheek and then the other. Finally I brushed my lips over his, and suddenly his hand was sliding into my hair to hold my head still, my mouth trapped against his. I could feel him begin to awaken as his lips started moving against mine, whispering my name tenderly in between kisses.
"Do you know how happy you make me?" I breathed against his lips, overwhelmed by the power of our love and strength of our connection.
He stopped kissing me for a moment, opening his eyes to stare at me long and hard. "I—"
Just then the phone rang, and we let out a simultaneous curse. James' lips stretched into a crooked smile and we both started laughing as he reached for the handset. "What?" He didn't even try and hide his annoyance. "Yeah, great timing as always Lars." He paused for a moment and his scowl deepened. "No, we're not always fuckin' each other's brains out." I shot him a look and then he amended his statement. "We're almost always fuckin' each other's brains out. Anyway, what the fuck do ya want?"
I stayed in his arms while he mostly did the listening as Lars rambled on the other end of the line. I didn't mind though, I treasured moments like this, knowing soon we'd be parted again.
"Yeah, ok." Jamie was trying to get off the phone. "We'll be down as soon as possible." There was another long silence as he looked down at me where I lay, and I saw his eyes mix with humor and desire. "Dude, have you seen my girlfriend, do ya blame me for gettin' sidetracked?" I giggled at that as James continued, "Hey, keep yer perverted thoughts to yerself asshole, I don't even wanna know what kind of fantasies you have about my girl. Be down soon."
With that, he slammed down the receiver and I was trying hard to not laugh as he lay back beside me, letting out a sigh of disgust. "Remind to kick his ass later for thinkin' those things about you."
I started laughing then and James enacted revenge by attacking my tickle spots until I was practically crying.
Despite wanting to linger in bed, reluctantly we got up to meet up with the guys downstairs. They needed to stop at a local radio station to do some promo stuff and then run through a sound check before that evening's show, so we climbed onto the tour bus and headed out.
The radio station took longer than expected and I was starving by the time we got to the venue. Fortunately, there was a spread of food laid out and I snacked while the guys went through their pre-performance checks, making sure all their equipment and sound levels were adjusted for the acoustics of the auditorium. Already their crew was a well-oiled machine after a month of touring, so it didn't take that long to get everything figured out.
Afterwards, we had a couple hours to kill before they needed to be ready for the meet and greets they did before their shows. We all went back to the bus to relax, where cold beers were passed around, shots were lined up, and the boys proceeded to get nice and toasty; though I was glad to see that James had not gone overboard. Someone came and knocked on the door of the bus when it was time and we all headed inside again, only this time to a room that had been set-up for autograph signing and photo ops.
Usually I stood on the fringes, not wanting to intrude on the fans' moments with the band and especially not wanting to be near enough to hear the girls gushing over Jamie. This time though he gripped my hand tight, preventing me from leaving. I looked to him questioningly.
"I want you close to me tonight," he murmured, his eyes showing a vulnerability I hadn't seen in a long time. "I need to feel you next to me, need to be able to touch you."
Sorrow was etched deep into his face, and I surprised by it at first and then profoundly touched. Whatever back and forth he'd gone through about leaving me to come on tour, clearly it was hard for him too. Despite the fans starting to file in, I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him. His arms went around me and held me tightly, until a group of teenage boys came up and started clearing their throats as a hint. Blushing, I let go of him, but he kept his left hand hovering over my back, as if making sure I didn't go far.
The teen boys were pretty funny as they stood there clearly in awe of James, trying to outdo each other with impressing him, and me as it turned out. Jamie said later, that though he loved having me next to him, it definitely wore on his patience how many times he had to keep from decking some guy for staring too hard at me or getting a little too handsy during photo ops. I hadn't intended to be in any photos, preferring to take them for the fans instead, but somehow I'd find myself maneuvered into the shot once they realized I was Jamie's girlfriend. Watching one too many hands creep up my waist towards my breasts or low towards my ass, James firmly planted himself between me and any other guy in the photo. I knew if we were to see every photo taken that evening, in every one, James was probably looking irritated, I was trying hard not to laugh, and the fans were beaming ear to ear.
Then of course there were the females. Most were actually very sweet and just happy to have a chance to say hi and tell Jamie about how much they enjoyed his music. But there were enough of the other ones, the skanks who'd cozy up to him during their photo op, their hands sliding over his arms and back as they laid their heads on his shoulder as if he was their property. I'd overhear them whispering to him about how hot they thought he was or how hot they got watching him perform. The worst was when they'd try and proposition him for sex, batting their eyelashes and sticking their tits up against him as they tried their best to seduce my boyfriend. All of this while I was standing mere feet away, as if they couldn't tell who I was. Maybe for some it made him that much more appealing; steal the rock star away from his girlfriend under her very nose. God I wanted to knock some teeth in, but Jamie was a pro by now, and he would very firmly tell them thanks but no thanks.
When one particularly aggressive girl couldn't take the hint, I'd finally had enough. It was towards the end of the meet and greet and my patience was worn thin. She was very pretty and probably used to getting any guy she wiggled her ass at, but she couldn't have James, and she was not happy about it. I knew I had insecurities about all the easily available women at James' finger tips, it was something Corinne and I would talk about often; the fear of being cheated on while at the same time punishing ourselves for even thinking our boyfriends were capable of that kind of betrayal. It was a shitty catch 22 and a ledge I had to talk myself down from constantly. I trusted Jamie more than anyone on the planet, but the thought of women offering themselves up to him night after night, it was unsettling at best. Like that first time I'd experienced an aggressive fan back at that pub in London all those years ago, watching it in person made me want to spill blood.
I stood there holding this bitch's camera, having just taken a photo of her and James, and now she was using every seductive trick in the book to get him to sleep with her. He looked incredibly uncomfortable, and though I'd learned a lot since that night in London, getting physical was not the smart move, I was done tiptoeing around this chick's feelings. With an over-exaggerated smile, I shoved the camera at her, letting it "accidentally" drop. She let go of Jamie immediately, frantically trying to grab it before it crashed to the floor, and I used the opportunity to wedge myself between them. He grinned down at me in relief.
"What the fuck!" We heard her huffing behind us. "You almost dropped my camera."
"Did I?" I kept my eyes on James, biting my lip to keep from laughing as his eyes twinkled with amusement. "Sorry about that. Figured you were done mauling my boyfriend and would wanna go take pictures with the rest of the band."
I could tell she was still standing behind me, I could feel the daggers from her glare.
"Baby," Jamie finally spoke up, his voice louder for the other girl's benefit, "let's get in a quickie on the bus before the show. My herpes outbreak is mostly gone."
"Hmmm, that sounds great baby," I replied, without missing a beat. "And I'm on my last dose of antibiotics for that chlamydia flare up, so I should be good too. And since we both have crabs, that shouldn't be a problem."
I heard some swearing behind me, and then I could tell by James' face she was gone. I leaned against his chest as I tried to stifle my laughter while James didn't even try and hide his as he wrapped his arms around me. "Oh god, I wish you coulda seen her face Lei." He was choking on his words. "That was fuckin' classic."
"Serves her right for not gettin' the hint," I snickered as I tried to catch my breath. "Jesus, these girls are crazy. I just don't get it."
"Well, can you blame them for hankerin' for all of this?" Jamie asked playfully as he pointed to himself.
I stepped back enough to look him up and down, taking in his faded ripped jeans and the t-shirt stretched across his chest. I felt a little shiver go down my spine. "I know I'm hankering for all of that right now." My voice went low and husky, and immediately his eyes darkened with desire.
He drew me close again. "Shit Leila, all ya hafta do is look at me with those big, beautiful green eyes, and I'm done. I wanna make love to you so bad baby but we gotta get ready for the show."
His voice sounded a little hoarse and I knew he wanted to be alone with me as bad as I wanted to be with him.
"I know," I sighed, sliding my arms up and around his neck. "Doesn't mean we couldn't slip away for a little make-out session. Get ya good and fired up for the show."
"Fired up huh?" He leaned down to nip at my neck. "You mean yer gonna make me want you so bad I can barely see straight, and then send me out on stage with blue balls?" His breath was hot against my skin and I knew I was trembling already.
"Mmmmhmmm," I murmured thickly, my head rolling to the side to give him better access.
"If this right here is just a taste of what's to come later"—his lips brushed against my ear,—"then I can guarantee that tonight's gonna be the shortest Metallica show in the band's history."
I couldn't stop a loud burst of laughter, and I covered my mouth in embarrassment as people nearby turned to look at us curiously. Jamie was laughing too, though I think it was due to my red cheeks more than anything. I buried my face into his chest, which was still shaking with laughter.
There were a few more fans he needed to chat with, but thankfully they were all very polite and excited just to talk about the show. As soon as he was done, Jamie wasted no time in grabbing my hand and leading us back out to the bus parked at the back of the venue and into his bunk, where we spent the next fifteen minutes in blissful solitude making out like mad, touching and kissing as much as the confined space and limited time would allow. By the time we finally dragged ourselves out of the bunk, James was a mass of combustible energy ready to explode, and I wasn't much better.
I got dressed quickly in tight jeans, knee-high boots and a strappy silk tank top, while James put on his show uniform of jeans and a sleeveless Samhain band t-shirt that was one of his favorites. Brushing the tangles out of my hair and applying a little makeup, Jamie sat watching me from one of the banquettes that took up most of the space in the lounge at the rear of the bus. I could feel the heat of his stare, and it made it almost impossible to focus.
Sighing, I swiped on some berry colored lipstick and called it a day. "I can't concentrate when yer lookin' at me like that." I mocked scowled as I turned to look at him.
He smiled innocently. "Like what?"
I gave him a pointed look. "Like yer the cat and I'm the cream."
"Fuck baby, that's hot," he growled low and my legs went wobbly.
Walking over, I surprised him by putting a knee next to where he sat and swung myself over to straddle his lap. Jamie's hands went immediately to grasp my ass, pulling me up tight against him as he stared up at me.
I had meant to kiss him, but looking down into his face, a wave of melancholy hit me from out of nowhere. "I wish we could just stay here," I murmured quietly. "I feel like...like there's one of those hourglasses with the sand—you know, like in the Wizard of Oz—and it's measurin' the amount of time we have left together and already we're runnin' out."
His eyes dimmed as he reached up and stroked my cheek. "I know, I feel the same way. I wanna shut the world away so that it's just you and me." His voice shook a little. "There ain't enough time to tell you and show you how much ya mean to me, how much you've always meant to me."
His despair was palpable, and I wondered at the depths of his sadness. Maybe life on the road was much harder than I'd assumed. Somehow though I knew that wasn't it, I could feel there was more.
"Are you ok?" Unconsciously, I began running my fingers through his hair like I always did when he was agitated. "I mean, I know that we both hate that I'll be leavin' in a few days and then it'll be another month and half before we see each other when you come to play San Francisco, but we've been apart before and we managed. I know you said you were gettin' a lot of pressure from the record company and Q Prime, is there more to it than that? Are the tour people bein' dicks? Or is it something else?"
He smiled up at me bleakly and my heart broke at his obvious pain. "You know me so well Leila." He pulled me close against him and I could feel his heart beating against his chest and into mine. "It's everything you said. It's the tour, bein' on the road...already the fuckin' record company wants to know when we'll put out another album." He pulled back just enough to look at me, and gently stroked my cheek with the back of his finger. "Most of all...I'm missin' you. Yer the one I tell everything to, the person who knows how to get through to me when I'm spinnin' out...I don't do good when yer not with me."
"And when it all gets too much, you drink to cope with all the noise." The words were out of my mouth before I could stop them.
His face darkened at that. "Like I said"—his tone was grim—"you know me better than anyone."
"I'm worried about you"—I took a breath, knowing this was a touchy subject—"yer drinkin' a lot these days." He shrugged offhandedly, but I was undeterred. "I worry that you won't know how to function without it, that you'll need it just to get through the day."
"You make me sound like an alcoholic Lei, I'm not that bad."
I could hear the irritation in his voice, and though I wanted to have a real conversation with him, this was not the time, not when we had so little of it left.
"Ok, I don't wanna get into this now, but maybe think about what I've said. No one tells James Hetfield what to do, I get that cuz we're so alike in that way. Which means, yer the one who's gonna have to decide when it's become a problem. But I don't wanna be an enabler Jamie."
"What's that?"
"Someone who sees someone else struggling and makes it worse or does nothing." I held his cheek in my hand as I stared down at him. "I love you too much to do nothing."
The frown on his face smoothed and he slipped a hand into my hair to cradle my head as he gazed up at me in awe. "Yer amazing...how you love me like that." He spoke low, his voice heavy with emotion. "I didn't really understand love until I met you Leila. Never understood why people got so torqued, like livin' didn't matter if they weren't with the person they loved. All the songs and poems written about it, the amount of fuckin' time people spend talkin' about it and thinkin' about it. And even though I've loved you for a long time, I think I kinda took for granted how fuckin' incredible you are, I didn't really get how good I've had it bein' loved by you. But I see it now. Call it perspective or whatever, but these last few years livin' on the road and meetin' people all the time...I've seen so much bullshit. People tryin' to fuck each other over, doin' whatever they can to get what they want. Everyone is takin' and takin' all the time." He shook his head in disgust. "I know it's bein' in this business, it's a real kick to the nuts a lot of the time. Everyone has their hand out wantin' something from me, a new song, money, a fuck, whatever..."
He stopped for a moment and looked away, and I held my breath waiting for him to continue. I'd been waiting for him to open up and now that he was, the world could go up in flames for all I cared. Finally he looked back at me, and there was a kind of pleading reflected in his eyes as he continued. "You are my safe haven in the storm Leila. I read that somewhere...a safe haven...the place where you feel protected from all the bad shit. That's what you are to me."
I wanted to cry with happiness at the emotional punch of that statement, but I managed to keep it together. "Yer that for me too, my safe place."
I spoke the words quietly, and emphasized my feelings by leaning forward and placing a gentle kiss to his forehead. Leaning back, I was surprised to see his face twisted with anger.
"How can you say that? I haven't always kept you safe." I realized then that it wasn't anger, but rather, self-disgust. "But I can promise you, nothin' like that is ever gonna touch you again Lei. Not like Germany, never again."
"I know baby—"
"No, you don't understand," he interrupted, his tone infused with something unsettling. "No matter what I have to do, I'm not lettin' you get hurt again like that because of me."
I hated that he still felt so responsible for what had happened, though it could certainly explain away some of his odd behavior lately.
Determined to allay his guilt, I cupped his face in my hands again and forced him to look at me. "We can't always know what gonna happen Jamie, life likes to throw curve balls all the time and we never see them comin'. But we can't live each day waitin' for something bad to happen. I know that's hard for you cuz you've had so much bad happen, but I guarantee if you spend all yer time worryin' about that, you'll miss out on the good stuff. And the good stuff is what makes living worth the effort baby."
We stared at each other for many long moments, and eventually I felt the tension begin to ease out of him. His hands had been resting on my hips but slowly they began to caress my ass, his lips spreading into a crooked smile.
"I'd say you qualify as good stuff."
"Do I?" I arched an eyebrow playfully as I slid my hands to rest on his shoulders, bringing my face close to his. "How good?"
"So good, I can never get enough of you Leila."
With that, he stood up quickly, taking me with him before laying me on the banquette, his body settling over mine. He was already hard and rubbing against me insistently, and his lips and tongue were sending me spiraling as they worked over my jaw and neck before moving to my mouth.
"Jamie." I was panting with need as I squirmed underneath him.
"I know baby, I wanna—"
There was a loud knock on the door separating the back lounge from the sleeping area.
"James, we need you backstage in five minutes." Came the voice of their tour manager Bobby.
"Yep," James shouted back, his voice rough. "I'll be there in a couple minutes."
Sighing, he turned back to look down at where I lay sprawled under him and I could see him fighting for control.
"It's ok." I smiled up at him, breathless from his touch. "We'll finish this later. I promise."
"I'm holdin' you to that promise." He smiled teasingly and leaned back down to kiss me quickly before hauling us both off the couch. "Bring this with you." He handed me the lipstick tube I'd been using earlier. "I plan on kissin' you a lot tonight."
"And I'm holdin' you to that promise," I teased back.
He chuckled as he we made our way outside. I'd forgotten my jacket on the bus and the air was cool enough to make me shiver, so I hopped onto Jamie for a piggy-back, the heat coming off his body keeping me warm as I pressed against him. He made a big show of galloping through the parking lot and into the backstage, pretending to almost mow down members of the crew before zigging at the last minute to avoid a collision, with me laughing my head off as I hung on for dear life. We were young and free and in love, it felt like nothing bad could touch us.
He dropped me off in the wings on stage right where there was already a cluster of people waiting for the show to begin. There were always people hanging around: folks from band management or the record company, Bobby was there making sure things ran smoothly, music industry types, and of course the women. I knew there were a few groupies who hung out as part of the Ozzy entourage, hence the reason they didn't want wives or girlfriends around. They traveled on the Ozzy band bus as they toured from town to town, and I knew from talking to Jamie, that the women kind of came and went depending on how long they kept Ozzy and his musicians interested. The Metallica boys didn't run that way, they were more of the love them and leave them types since it sidestepped the hassle of girls getting too attached, and since James and Cliff both had girlfriends, the policy avoided all kinds of drama and weirdness. I knew that Lars and Kirk were never hurting for company though. This Ozzy and friends harem was a whole other animal, and I hated how the women would look at me with a mix of dislike, jealousy, and sometimes envy, and how they'd eye Jamie with lust. Though I couldn't blame them since he was tall, lean, and insanely adorable, but I think for them it was more about the challenge of fucking a rock star. A lot of groupies slept with musicians for the bragging rights or to fulfill some kind of fuck checklist.
After a lingering kiss, James headed off to find the rest of his band while I wandered over to the table that had been set up as a bar. After our make-out session and talk, I was in need of something cool to drink. A bottle of cold beer found its way into my hands and I took a long drink before sighing in pleasure.
"That good huh?"
I turned to see a young woman standing next to me as she mixed herself up a cocktail.
"I needed it." I smiled ruefully.
"Yeah, you two are pretty hot and heavy." I could see her grinning. "Lucky."
"Yeah, I am."
"I was talking about him." Her grin widened as she turned to look at me.
I blushed at the compliment. "Th...thanks," I stuttered, not used to getting hit on by a woman.
"Don't suppose you play for both teams?"
It took me a moment to understand her question.
"Uh...no. But thank you, I'm really flattered." I was sincere, and though I could see she was disappointed, her smile didn't falter. "Besides, I'm in a relationship."
"Yeah, I figured as much. You two make a ridiculously gorgeous couple. I was wondering why I never saw him hooking up with all the sluts running around—me included—but now it's pretty obvious."
"We've been together a long time."
"Well, clearly you have something really, really special. Usually the road is a guy's wet dream come true." She scowled then. "Sorry, I shouldn't say that. I don't wanna put those thoughts in your head."
"No believe me, I've already had those thoughts."
"Must be difficult."
"Yeah, it has its moments. When we're together, I can see how much he loves me and we can't get enough of each other. But when we're apart—"
"Your imagination goes down paths it shouldn't."
"Yeah. I mean look around." My gaze swept around the backstage. "Yer right, it's every guy's dream come true. Booze, drugs, and women."
"Sex, drugs, rock and roll baby," she muttered next to me. "Such a fuckin' cliché, but turns out it's true."
We were quiet for a moment as we sipped on our drinks.
"By the way, I'm Pam. And I know you're Leila." She gave me a sideways smile as I looked at her questioningly. "I've been with the tour almost from the very beginning." She giggled then. "They keep me around cuz I love lovin' on women and men, so I totally fulfill their threesome fantasies."
"Sounds almost clinical. Easy chicks...check. Bisexual lesbian...check." As bizarre as the conversation was, I still found myself laughing.
She was laughing too. "Yeah, I guess when you break it down like that it is. Definitely not an ounce of romance to this whole groupie thing. It's all about carnal decadence."
"I take it you like that part."
"Oh hell yeah! I love sex and I'm not interested in falling in love right now. It's just about having as much fun as possible for as long as possible."
"Well it sounds like yer in the right place for that."
I didn't realize that I let out a deep sigh until she put a hand on my shoulder, giving me a sympathetic smile. "I know I caught you by surprise a minute ago when I knew your name; the reason I know your name Leila, is because everyone knows about you. I wasn't lying earlier when I said I've never seen him mess around, he's made it very clear that he's crazy about his beautiful girl back home and won't fuck it up by messing around. Pisses the shit out of some these bitches." Pam paused and nodded towards a tall, pretty brunette. "That one over there, Danielle, she's been after his ass the moment she joined the tour a couple weeks ago. I love watching your guy shut her down, never gets old." After seeing my face, she quickly added, "She'll eventually get tired of getting told no and back off, or she'll get tossed off the tour, so don't worry about her. The point is, in a situation that usually is a death sentence for a committed relationship, it seems like yours is the exception."
Though I was appreciative, I was surprised by her candor, especially to a complete stranger. "Why are you tellin' me this Pam? You don't owe me anything."
I turned to look at her and I could see a flash of pain in her eyes.
"Call it penance for some of my choices." She looked out at the room, her voice faltering for a moment. "I...I was in love once. And yeah, he was a musician. I thought he loved me, and then of course he cheated and I was totally blindsided."
"Is this yer way of coping, by sleepin' with other women's men?" I couldn't stop the judgmental tone from creeping into my voice.
She let out a snort. "Oh honey, I could spend 24/7 on a therapist's couch and never run out of shit to work through. Yeah, I know it's fucked up that I'm doing to others what was done to me. I've become the thing that almost destroyed me...but self-hate is intoxicating." She paused for a moment and glanced at me in embarrassment. "I can't believe I'm telling you all this."
"If it helps, I'm glad to listen."
She flashed me a self-conscious smile and slammed the rest of her drink. "I'm gonna go find some trouble to get into. It was nice talking to you Leila."
She left before I could say anything more, and my heart ached for this stranger who'd opened herself up to me unexpectedly. Despite her insistence that love was not for her, the fact that she was defending James, told me that she still wanted to believe that real love was possible. I thought on that for a while as I sipped on my beer and watched the chaos around me as show time drew closer.
Suddenly, I felt Jamie's strong arms wrap around me from behind, and I leaned back against him, relaxing into his chest. Feeling eyes on me, I glanced over to see the tall brunette Danielle glaring at us. Just to piss her off, I turned my face towards James and immediately his lips were on mine. Turning in his arms, I tangled my fingers in his hair as he deepened the kiss, his arms crushing me against him. I was so turned on, I began moaning softly, all thoughts of the other woman gone as he reached down to caress my ass gently.
"Fuck Lei." He was breathing heavy as he pulled his lips from mine, his eyes dark with need. "I can't just have a taste, it's never enough." He leaned his forehead against mine and our breaths mingled as we tried to pull ourselves together.
"I know...I have no self-control." My voice was hoarse with need. "Bein' apart, it just makes it so hard to not want to be makin' love to you every moment we're together."
He laughed a little and smiled down at me lovingly. "Who are we kiddin', even when I'm home, we wanna be makin' love every minute of every day. It's just that good between us."
"True," I giggled. "But at least we manage to get in other things like, eating, sleeping—"
"Eh, eating and sleeping are overrated. Unless I'm sleeping with you or eating off yer—"
"Jamie!" I scolded playfully, though I was laughing too even as I was blushing.
"I love makin' you blush, it's so fuckin' cute."
"You two are so fuckin' cute I wanna puke," Lars muttered mockingly as he walked by.
We both laughed at our friend's crankiness. He was always tense before a show and we knew to ignore it. Plus, we knew how much he loved giving James and I shit about our coupledom, even though I knew he secretly really supported the two of us. He was our friend, but also, he was pragmatic enough to know what a good steadying influence I was on James; I always had been, and it made Lars' job as the band cheerleader that much easier.
"Shut it Lars," Jamie half-heartedly mumbled as he walked over for the band huddle, pulling me with.
Sometimes I joined and sometimes I didn't, but it had been a while, so I was glad to be included as we all wrapped arms around each other.
"Alright fuckers...and chick." Lars winked at me before continuing. "Lots of good energy tonight, I can feel it. Let's make this the best performance yet. Kick some fuckin' ass cuz we...are...Metallica!"
The guys all hooted at that while grabbing their instruments from the techs. Ecstasy of Gold started playing and the guys did last minute stretches and a shot or two. Jamie choose to spend his last minute kissing me till I was breathless. With one last leer in my direction, he headed out to the stage and proceeded to destroy the crowd.
I found a spot on the side of the stage where I didn't think I'd be in the way. I hadn't seen the band perform since their goodbye party months earlier, and I was struck by how James' performance had changed just since then. There was something darker and angrier in how he played his guitar and in his voice as he sang, as if he was working through something in his performance. I was at once impressed and unsettled.
They ripped through their set as usual, and when they came offstage before the encore, they were all completely sweaty and tired. Cups of beer of were lined up waiting for them and they each downed one as they took a moment to catch their breaths, though Jamie's eyes were on me the entire time. Wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, he stalked over until he was standing over me, the heat from his body making me tremble. He didn't touch me yet, instead he just stared down at me, his eyes unreadable in the dim light.
Finally, I couldn't stand the suspense any longer. "What is it? Why are ya lookin' at me like that?"
He cupped my face and rubbed his thumb over my cheek before speaking. "I'm just rememberin' this moment. Rememberin' how good it feels to come off stage and see you there waitin' for me. I wish it could always be like this Lei."
I figured he meant because I'd be leaving in a couple days; I hated being reminded. "I know, me too. I don't wanna think about leaving, I don't wanna think about bein' away from you again. Let's just make the most of our time together ok?"
He cradled my face in his hands as his lips claimed mine in a soul searing kiss. It wasn't enough though, and despite his soaked shirt, I pressed myself up against him and immediately his arms wrapped tight around me, crushing me flush against his body. For one brief moment, it felt like nothing on earth could ever part us...and I was just naïve enough to believe it.
~
After their set, the boys washed up and James and I hung out for a little while in a make-shift party room set-up backstage. There was food and booze and of course, various hangers on and groupies. Ozzy and his band were performing onstage and I knew as soon as they were done, this place would turn into a circus when they and their entourage made an appearance. I didn't see Pam and figured she was up watching the show, but Danielle was lurking, looking for opportunities to pounce on Jamie I had no doubt. Not that the boy was paying attention, he was too busy placing kisses on my neck and face to notice.
"I need to get you alone Leila," he was muttering as he nipped playfully at my ear. "But I will fuck you right here if I hafta."
I moaned at that, the image of him taking me up against the wall while everyone went about their business, was making me hot. He must have been thinking the same thing because he attacked my neck with renewed vigor as he worked his way to my mouth.
Finally he drew back, his chest heaving as he tried to pull himself together. "We need to go."
All I could do was nod. He grabbed my hand and we made our way to the door, stopping to let Lars know we were leaving so we wouldn't hold up the bus later. Some girl was hanging onto the drummer's arm for dear life.
"We're headin' out," James announced.
"Why am I not fuckin' surprised?" Lars smirked. "By the way" —his voice stopped us before we took another step—"what the fuck was with the tempo tonight? Every time you counted us in, you were like on warp speed or some shit. What, were ya late for an appointment?"
I caught the wicked gleam in Jamie's eye and tried not to burst out laughing as we turned to leave. My gaze collided with Danielle's, and I was caught off guard by the venom in her gaze. The girl was jealous as shit and I felt an uneasiness low in my belly; I didn't want to deal with another Lisa Cantucci situation. Was I always going to be beating these women off James? Feeling an impatient tug on my hand, I looked over to see him smiling at me and all thoughts of Danielle slipped from my mind as he led us outside.
We caught a cab back to the hotel and I made him stay in the bedroom while I changed into the negligee I'd bought for the trip. We'd been too eager the night before and barely gotten our clothes off before we were jumping each other, tonight though I wanted to take it slow and make it memorable. Apparently Jamie was thinking the same thing, because when I came out of the bathroom, somehow he'd found a half dozen or so candle votive and had them lit and scattered around the room, creating an incredibly intimate and romantic mood. Looking around, I spied him shirtless and bent over fiddling with the radio. He stopped on a station that was playing love songs, surprising given his general aversion to cheesy pop music.
"Careless Whisper?" I chuckled from the doorway. "I didn't take you for a fan of Wham."
"It's mostly crap, but the singer does have a....holy shit." Jamie had turned around to face me and literally stopped dead at the sight of me in my provocatively sheer ensemble. "Fuck baby."
"That's the plan." I smirked as I walked towards him slowly.
He seemed to be completely immobile, his eyes getting wider as I approached. I felt a little thrill go through me that I could affect him so completely. Sometimes, especially lately, I needed to be reassured.
Stopping in front of him, we just stared at each other for a moment. Almost shyly, he reached out and ran a hand down my arm slowly. "Sometimes I still can't believe I get to touch you." His voice sounded rough.
"I know," I whispered as I moved a little closer. "Sometimes I still can't believe that you love me."
His gaze darkened as he looked down at me and I could see him swallow hard. "I don't think there's a word that comes close to describing what I feel for you Leila."
I could feel myself begin to tremble with the need to be close to him. "Will...will you show me then?" I could barely get the words out.
Instead of answering, he leaned down slowly and gently pressed his lips to mine. My eyes closed in complete surrender to his touch, and we stayed like that for a moment, everything that needed to be said was expressed in that one small gesture. The kiss began to deepen, his lips moving slowly over mine as I felt his hands brush my waist before settling on my back and pulling me against him. My fingers were itching to touch, so slowly I stroked up along the muscles of his arms and shoulders before tangling in his hair. His tongue was pushing at my lips then, demanding entrance, and I gasped as he invaded my mouth, his tongue tangling hotly with mine as I began to feel the constantly idling need in me come roaring to life. Clinging to him, I was only half aware that his hands had crept under the silky material of my negligee to leisurely caress up and down my back, the tips of his fingers skimming so lightly over my naked flesh, I found myself shivering and on fire at the same time.
"Christ Lei." He was breathing heavy against my lips as he continued to tease me with his touch. "You feel so fuckin' good in my arms. I never wanna stop touchin' you."
"D...don't stop touching me. Don't ever stop."
His lips and tongue were back on me, working their way down along my jaw and to the sensitive spots on my neck, making me moan softly against his ear.
"Baby, you keep moanin' like that, I'm gonna lose it before I even get to the best parts." He growled the words as his lips moved lower towards the swell of my breasts where they were almost spilling out of the low cut negligee.
He paused for a moment and straightened up as he looked me over. I knew I had "fuck me" written all over with my slutty lingerie and tangled hair. The look on his face confirmed it as his breath quickened and he flushed with need. Sliding a hand along my cheek to cradle my head, he held me captive as he continued looking at me. Just his gaze alone was making me tremble.
"My Leila," he breathed before his mouth was back on mine, sucking the air from my lungs and the strength from my legs as I melted into him.
He kissed me long and deep, taking his time while I could do nothing but let him. I was completely incapable of moving, every muscle and bit of bone in my body was liquefied, and I was thankful for his strong arms that kept me from puddling on the floor. Just then, I felt one of his hands slowly slide from my waist to creep upwards towards one breast straining to be touched. A whoosh left my lungs as his fingers closed over the rounded flesh, squeezing and fondling gently. Tearing his lips from mine, he leaned down and breathed a hot moist breath over the mound before using his tongue to lathe the nipple into a hardened peak, the sensation made even more delicious by the scrap of sheer material that rubbed almost painfully against the over-sensitized flesh.
"Oh god," I whimpered quietly. "So...so good."
My words must have encouraged him, because suddenly his hands and mouth were wholly focused on my breasts, licking and caressing each one equally as I clutched his shoulders tightly, knowing I could easily fall. My head was thrown back and my eyes squeezed shut as I focused on the pleasure he was giving me, my breath coming in pants now as the warmth starting to build low between my legs grew hotter and hotter. As if reading my mind, he slipped a hand down over my stomach and under the waistband of the satiny thong I'd worn.
His fingers easily found the throbbing heat there and he groaned as he slid his fingers into my slick folds. "So wet for me...fuck, I need to taste you."
Before I could even respond, his hands slipped under my ass and lifted me up. Automatically, I wrapped my legs around his waist as he walked us to the bed, his lips back on mine as if he couldn't accept a moment in which he was not pleasuring me in some form or another. I was in complete bliss, every nerve on sensory overload. Jamie seemed on a mission that night to take us to an even higher plane of pleasure and I was more than happy to let him.
Kneeling on the bed, he laid me back gently, never breaking our kiss as I felt myself relax into the mattress underneath me as James hovered above. Finally releasing my lips, he leaned back a little to look at me sprawled out underneath him. Taking advantage of our positions, I ran my fingers lightly over my breasts, watching his breath quicken as I ran an index finger over each nipple simultaneously. His eyes watched expectantly as my hands moved to the ribbons holding the front of my negligee together, and with one tug, they came undone, my breasts now completely naked to his hungry stare.
Leaning down, he suckled a mound into his mouth, his tongue lathing at the nub until I was arching off the bed and gasping out loud at the sensation.
"I'm not gonna last long baby," I gasped, unable to keep quiet.
My words must have spurred him on because suddenly he was moving down my body, kissing and nipping at my flesh while I squirm under the deliciousness of his touch. Then he was sliding my thong off and using his mouth and tongue to pleasure me as I bucked and groaned underneath him. I didn't last long at all as I felt wave after wave of intensity roll through me, his name torn from my lips as he continued to touch me and wring out every last drop of my orgasm.
I lay trembling on the bed, my body covered in a sheen of perspiration as he eased himself from between my legs to lay next to me. He was watching me as I recovered, his fingers trailing lightly over me, his eyes dark with some emotion I didn't recognize. I was hypnotized by his stare as I gazed back at him. Before I could wonder out loud at his strangeness, he was kissing me again, over and over until I was breathless. Then he proceeded to kiss and caress every square inch of my body, bringing us both to such a heightened state, that he'd barely slid himself into me before we were both cumming hard, our cries of pleasure reverberating off the walls of the room.
He continued touching, tasting and making love to me most of the night. Hours later, after coming down from one of the most intense orgasms I'd ever experienced, I lay nestled in his arms completely exhausted but completely euphoric. I couldn't help but feel my worries about Jamie and our future melt away as he held me. He'd just shown me, in words and deed, that he loved me deeply and that we were together now and forever.
I was lost in thought and it took me a moment to realize that he was staring at me again, something he seemed to do a lot over the last few days. "What?"
He gave the small crooked smile I loved so much and ran a finger down my cheek tenderly. "It's just...it's just that yer so fuckin' beautiful Leila. More beautiful than any dream or fantasy, no other girl has ever compared...or could ever compare." He pulled me closer. "Yer mine Leila. My girl forever," he whispered against my ear as I snuggled into him.
"Mmhmm," I agreed sleepily.
The room dissolved into blackness as the last votive candle sputtered out, and maybe it was because I was so tired and my brain was groggy, but it struck me vaguely that his statement sounded less like an affirmation and more like a farewell.