"These eyes, watched you bring my world to an end"
***
"Look, just drop it - please, just think about this, don't do anything crazy." I try to reason anxiously, hearing my heartbeat ring in my ears.
Please don't let this be how today ends.
I swallow harshly, trying to control my breathing as I raise my hands in surrender.
"Just put it down, and we can talk about this" I gulp, hoping my voice sounds calmer than what I am, I can feel my stomach knotting and getting that nauseous pit again.
He tilts his head, looking like he's considering my offer and takes a step towards me and I hold my breath, all I can hear is his heavy breathing and I'm just praying to god this is working.
"I won't do anything I promise, just... Just drop it and we can talk" I try to offer again, feeling my pulse hammer in my body.
I close my eyes, trying to will myself not to over react - I know what he's like and it will only make this so much worse if I don't try and stay calm so I can negotiate with him.
I just need to not make any sudden movements, I don't want to startle him and have this end the way I'm praying it doesn't.
When I look to him his eyes are watching mine carefully and I gasp when I hear the thud on the ground looking to where he's dropped it.
He just stares at me with his brown eyes, his big tongue hanging out the side of his stupid wrinkled head.
"For fuck sake Gizmo!" I huff, rushing over to pick my phone up off the ground and grimace at the slobber coating it.
I point the phone at him "How many times have we been over this? My phone is not food! I can't afford to replace another one of these!"
I swear this dog is going to give me grey hairs at 26.
Gizmo just plonks his tubby butt on the floor, panting as he cocks his head with that same dumb droopy expression he always has.
I swear if he wasn't the only good thing I had in my life, he would be in so much trouble right now.
I give him a stern look, trying to sound firm "Don't give me that look. You know you're in trouble mister, you're lucky I don't make you sleep outside - I'll do it you know"
Even Gizmo looks at me like he's knows I'm full of shit, because I am. I'd sleep outside just to make sure this damn dog was comfortable, I'd starve to death if it meant he could eat.
My scolding is interrupted by the loud ring of my phone and without thinking I answer it and press it to my ear.
"Oh for fuck sake!" I yell, pulling it away and see the string of drool drip from it.
"Drew? You alright? What's going on?" Frankie's voice comes out muffled from my phone and scrunch my face up, growling as I walk to the kitchen and grab paper towel to wipe my phone.
"Just give me a damn minute!" I yell again, wiping down the glass as I glare at Gizmo who is watching me before he flops onto the floor and rolls on his side, looking like a loaf of bread with legs.
I press my phone onto loudspeaker as I grab the sleeve of my shirt to wipe my face, grimacing again.
"Sorry Gizmo had my phone" I mutter, leaning my elbows on the bench and resting my face in my hands.
"...He had your phone? I swear you'd let that dog get away with murder - he can be a real assho-"
"Watch it Frankie" I warn, pointing at my phone on the bench like the idiot that's somehow managed to weasel his way in as my only friend since I met him a year ago can see me "Finish that sentence and he will get away with murder, and no one will find your body"
Gizmo is an asshole, but he's my asshole and only I'm allowed to call him that. No one says mean things about my baby.
"Yeesh, calm down. Don't talk smack about your fat fur child, point taken. Look, the reason I called, you're still coming tonight right?" he asks, in no way making it sound like a question or I have a choice in the matter, but more so reminding me I can't back out.
Dammit Frankie, I thought we'd been over this, why is he so insistent about it? He knows what I'm like.
That's probably exactly why he's doing this.
I sigh, rubbing my temples "Look... Frankie, I know you really want me there but you know I'm not real big on people-"
"Drew Sawyer if you try and bail on this party, like you do with every other single thing that doesn't involve that damn dog and watching The Office reruns, I am dragging you there, and I don't care if you're in those fluffy god damn slippers and half naked - you're coming" he threatens.
I groan, rolling my eyes and Frankies knowing voice comes through the speaker again "I could hear that eye roll from here Drew"
I'm still trying to work out how Frankie managed to be one of the only people to drag some kind of trust out of me over this past year, but he's so likeable it's infuriating and he has this god damn persistence that drives me up the wall.
Mainly because he's persistent about caring about me, and pushing me to do more than stay locked away in my house with my dog and the reason my life isn't worth existing in, unless I'm at work.
I really don't know why he bothers, I'm a lost cause really.
I've just learnt over the years that people can't be trusted, they aren't safe. I'm far better off on my own with the only thing I can seem to care about these days.
Gizmo.
"Please Drew, this is important to me. It's Alex's birthday and he really wants you there too" he pleads, using his best childlike begging voice and I can already picture those big green puppy dog eyes.
Dammit, he knows I can't say no to those darn eyes.
While I find notions like real love to be bullshit, I've learnt very thoroughly it's not something that exists for people like me - however I know it exists for Frankie and his boyfriend Alex, they're so in love and perfect for each other it's disgusting.
They're the statistical anomaly where they've managed to find a person to love, and truly be loved back by, sometimes it's fascinating to watch but I know it's the equivalent of being struck by lightening.
Well at least for someone like me anyway.
And they're two of the nicest, and most unfairly attractive people I've ever met - how is that fair? You don't get to be all of those things and nice, you dick.
I give my phone a flat look "Using guilt now are we Frankie? Shame on you"
"Absolutely, whatever it takes" he says without missing a beat.
"Also... If you try and make up some last minute excuse to not come, I'll show everyone at the party the video of you on my phone dancing drunk on the table belting out 'I want it that way' by the backstreet boys - still my favourite video of you by the way, and my favourite version of that song" he says coyly and I glare holes into my phone.
I need to make a mental note to destroy that bloody video.
"Blackmail now too? I thought more of you" I say sarcastically.
"I'm above nothing to make you actually enjoy yourself for once" he points out, and I let out another resigned sigh.
"You aren't dropping this are you?"
"Nope. And besides! There's a great guy that's gonna be there I want to introduce you to, I know you'll get along great with him" he says and I can hear that damn smirk on his face.
Oh fuck no, absolutely not.
"No way, Frankie you know I don't-"
"His name is vodka, you're gonna love him, you two go way back" he grins, and I squint at my phone, flipping it off.
Bribery now too? He's on a roll tonight the prick.
He knows my relationship with vodka, it's the only reason he has that fucking video.
"Fine. I'll go" I concede, looking to Gizmo who is watching me intently with a puddle of drool forming on the floor near his mouth.
"Brilliant! I'm on my way!" Frankie says brightly.
I crease my brows "But you didn't know if I was-"
"Sorry! Can't talk! Driving! See you in thirty minutes sweet cheeks!" he says loudly, trying to sound distracted and hangs up before I can reply.
I just stare at my phone, blinking slowly.
That sly fucking...
I look at Gizmo again, who has rolled back onto his stomach, staring up at me with big dopey eyes as he snorts trying to inhale too quickly while his jowls smush against the floor and his tongue pokes out the front of his mouth, before he manages to suck it back in.
I groan, leaning my palms on the counter as I hang my head "How do I always get dragged into shit like this by that annoying loveable twat?"
~•~
I've managed to look partially human, at least I don't look homeless - that's new.
I stare in the mirror in my room, letting out a heavy breath as I press my lips together and look over my jeans and vintage distressed t-shirt, glancing down to my boots and back to my face.
I mean, if a shirt is older than you are, and has holes in it but you refuse to throw it out because it's one of your favourite bands - you can get away with calling it distressed and vintage right?
This is as party ready as I can manage, at least I brushed my hair.
Maybe I can say I'm going for that rockstar without a care look? Just you know, without the fame, talent, looks or money.
That works.
I stare at my eyes briefly, barely recognising them. For how full they should be from all the things that they've seen it's a wonder they look so vacant, but I can't remember seeing them look any other way these days.
I lean over to the reach next to my mirror grabbing another layer of clothing, pulling my red flannel on, and running my fingers through my long brown hair, before pressing my hands to my face and trying to coax myself into not feeling the amount of dread I do about going to this fucking party.
It's so bizarre to think I actually use to enjoy going out, that I wanted to make friends years ago - I was bright, funny and somewhat confident but these days everything just seems grey, and like its too much effort.
But I suppose when you have everything you cared about and your life flipped upside down, also kicked in the teeth, betrayed by everyone you trusted within three months, it might be the final straw for anyone when life hasn't been kind to you to begin with any way.
I just don't really see the point if I'm being honest, getting up every day just seems like walking to a toaster and sticking a fork in it, listening to everyone else tell you how great it is, because their toaster isn't turned on and they aren't having their insides fried.
I have Gizmo though, he's all the reason I need to get out of bed and deal with that every day.
Speaking of that ball of dough with fur, he is sitting there staring up at me, whining as I shove my phone in my back pocket.
"Don't give me that look Gizzy, I tried okay? This is as good as it gets, I don't need your attitude too" I say, gesturing to my outfit and he just cocks his head and huffs.
"You'll be fine here for a couple hours, I left you extra food and new toys" I try and reason with him, crouching down to hold his wrinkly giant boof head "Just for the love of Christ, please don't try and eat the couch while I'm gone, not again"
"Still talking to yourself I see" Frankie's voice scares the absolute shit out of me from my bedroom door way and I scream, flying backwards and landing on my back with a thud.
"Have you heard of fucking knocking you creeping Jesus!" I gripe, pushing myself up on my elbows to glare at him.
"You didnt give me a spare key so I wouldn't use it" he shrugs, trying to hold in a laugh as he leans against the door frame.
Actually I gave you that key for a completely different reason Frankie and you know it, you turd.
"I wasn't talking to myself" I huff, deciding to change the subject and pulling myself to my feet.
"You're either talking to yourself or the dog - basically the same thing" he points out, looking over my outfit and giving me a smug grin.
"You look smokin' by the way, but you always do"
I frown at him, giving him a look that says he's full of shit. He always says things like that to me, and I know he's just trying to build my confidence but I know I look like a permanently tired pigeon, I don't need smoke blown up my ass about it.
"Can we please just go so I can get home?" I ask, before leaning down to press a kiss to the top of Gizmos head which he only snorts at again, before standing and waddling over to his pile of pillows in my room and flopping on them.
I swear all he does is eat and sleep, when he's not trying to give me a nervous break down using my phone that I can't afford to replace as a snack.
It's the third one this year.
Frankie steps aside to let me pass him as I walk out of my room, and he waves to Gizmo warmly before turning to follow me.
"Damn calm down party animal, I know you're excited but I don't think I can handle all of this enthusiasm" he dead pans.
"I'm being bribed and blackmailed to go to this, may I remind you" I point out, grabbing my keys off the table and Alex's birthday present.
Even though I was trying to avoid the social situation, I'd had this present picked out for him for weeks - as much as I avoid connections with people and my feelings, I'm a sentimental piece of crap and I really hope he likes what I had made for him.
It's special, just like he is, Frankie too.
Frankie doesn't reply and I see him staring at the bedroom door down the hall from my kitchen, and looking back to me with a sympathetic smile "How was it today? You okay?"
"Just like every other day" I dismiss, not wanting to talk about it.
Frankie is really the only person I've let into that part of my life, well, since everyone I thought I mattered to took a flaming dump on it and even though it's hard for me to show it, I know he knows I appreciate him trying to be there for me, he knows how hard it is for me to let anyone in.
"You're normally not this down, are you sure you're okay? I've barely gotten that sense of humour of yours from you all day" he presses as he follows me towards the front door, sounding sincere but I don't miss the concern in his voice.
"I'm fine Frankie" I sigh, opening the front door as we walk through it, and I lock it behind me "It really was just like every other day, I'm just tired"
I'm always tired.
He slings his arm over my shoulder as we walk towards his car, giving me that enthusiastic grin I know so well, that always seems to manage to lift my mood whether I like it or not.
"Well we're having fun tonight, even if I have to give you liver poisoning with alcohol to drag it out of you"
I smile "Awe damaging my vital organs to make sure I have a good time, that's so sweet" I coo at him, holding my hand over my heart.
He shrugs, waggling his annoying full perfect brows at me "What else are friends for? Let's get wrecked baby cakes"
***
*
Welcome to this new story I'm working on in between Stall and Unforgettable, needed to word vomit it out of my brain, so here we are.
*