"It doesn't matter how fast you run, the pain will always run faster" - Clay Evans
Anthony just dropped me off at my apartment with Kaila and left to go to his own house. Kaila is out buying groceries, and I am home alone.
Instead of basking in the silence, I decided there was someone I owned a long overdue phone call.
"Josie Pappstein, no way," the familiar, soothing voice answered. I could hear the grin in his tone. It was enough to make me smile.
"Hi, Joel," I replied softly. "I'm sorry I've been so out of touch." I told him we'd stay in touch, but we lost touch almost instantly. We talked a little at first, but just drifted I guess.
"Effort is a 2 way street, it's okay, it happens. How are you?"
"Um," I sighed. "You know, I've been better." I told him, honestly. "Ian was called back into active duty last week."
"Wow, that's insane. He's only been home for a few months."
"I know." I twiddled my thumbs. "Life moves on, though, so I just have to keep moving forward with it, ya know? How are you?"
"Mad respect for you always, Josie," he said, his tone genuine. "I'm doing really good, though. Football is going great."
I hate that it's taken Ian's absence for me to realize how much I miss Joel's presence, but I do. He's such a great guy and a great friend to have. It sucks that he lives all the way in Michigan now, the other side of the country.
"That's awesome, I'm happy for you." Truly, I was. It brought some happiness into my deprived life, knowing that Joel is out making the most of the opportunity he'd earned. He's thriving, and I love that for him.
"Thank you," He said. "Are you going to the annual Westchester New Years Eve party tonight?"
I shrugged. I haven't been in the party-mood lately. "I don't know."
"I think you should. I know a pretty cool former employee that will be attending. His name might rhyme with Swol Baddison."
A big grin lit up on my face. "You're home?"
"I'm at the airport, I'll be flying in around 5."
"If Swol Baddison is there, so am I."
"Good, I cant wait to see you."
"You, too." I bid my goodbyes with Joel and hung up.
I value my friendship with Joel so much because of how selfless he always was when it came to me. He could've given up on me after the first or second time I denied him. He could've shunned me for not being emotionally available, but he never did. He was always by my side in a completely platonic way.
I should've valued my friendship with him these past couple of months too. It's not fair that I only lean on him when I need support.
~•~
"Dang, Josie! Go off, sis," Kaila whistled when I walked out of my room. I was wearing a gold sparkly shirt, black spandex-like shorts, and sheer black tights underneath. For shoes, I wore plain black heels since my shirt was flashy enough as is.
Kaila was wearing a tight black, v-neck dress that was sparkly with a pair of black heels. Her hair was curled and up in a ponytail.
"Look who's talking," I winked back.
She was so happy when I told her that Joel would be attending tonight, and even happier to hear that I decided I would attend the party at Westchester's, too.
I could definitely use some alcoholic therapy, which is why Kaila agreed to be the designated driver for us two tonight. It's not very often I just need to let loose.
We arrived at Westchester around 10, about an hour after the party actually started.
The annual Westchester NYE Party was treated like the Fourth of July party. Open to the public over 21 with an admission fee, little to no employees on duty, and free drinks.
I was just about to voice my thoughts, wondering if Joel was here yet and where he could be, when I heard his name being called out not too far down the beach.
He and Mason were playing a beach volleyball game in the dark, and probably tipsy at that.
"Time-out," Kaila called out as we approached the court. Joel's face snapped in our direction, and he and Mason came over to us.
Joel enveloped Kaila and I both in a group hug, holding us tight enough to possibly temporarily put some of our broken pieces back together.
"Well, Addison, shall we get these ladies a drink?"
"We shall," Joel fist pumped Mason and led us to a nearby cooler.
"I'm not drinking tonight, I'm responsible for this one," she nudged my arm.
"Lucky you, she's a hoot," Joel joked. He handed me a beer. "We'll go to the bar and get the real shit later."
After dating Joel for as long as I did, we definitely lost sight of the beauty of our friendship. Joel loves to party and let loose, but he was often taking care of me and didn't get to. It's been so long since I've partied with Joel, not just around him, and I think I miss it.
~•~
"Pass!" I yelled out to Joel during our game of volleyball. Although I usually hate drunk volleyball, I decided to play it anyway. You'd be shocked how fun it is testing the limits to how much you can dive around in the sand before the alcohol starts making its way up.
Joel passed me the ball and I leaped into the air to spike it down on the other side. No big deal, but I just scored the winning point.
"15 minutes until the new year, should we refill our margaritas?" Joel suggested.
Mason's stomach had it with drunk volleyball about twenty minutes ago, so Kaila had disappeared with him to try and sober him up so he could enjoy the beginning of the new year.
After getting our fresh margaritas from the tiki bar that Anthony shockingly volunteered to work tonight, Joel and I started walking aimlessly down the beach to kill a little bit of time.
At this point, I had to be on my 6th drink, which is a lot in many aspects. For one, I am only 127 pounds, plus I don't drink alcohol often, nor do I drink like that really ever.
I have no idea what 6-drink-Josie is like. Is she crazy, emotional, needy? Joel and I are about to find out together.
"I've never seen you drink so much," Joel noted.
"I know," I agreed as I sipped on my drink.
"You can't drink away your pain, ya know? No matter how much you drink, you're still going to miss him and worry about him," Joel said, getting real with me. He obviously saw right through my facade.
Shit, well if 6-drink-Josie wasn't emotional, she sure is now.
"The pain always seems to run faster, doesn't it?" I chuckled somewhat bitterly. It's inescapable. Just when I thought I had defeated the pain of Ian being gone, it struck back.
Joel wrapped his arm around my shoulders in a reassuring, friendly manner. "Look at it this way with me," he insisted. "This time frame that he is gone for is only a small fraction of the long and happy life that I am sure you two will live together."
Six-drink-Josie may or may not be emotional, the world may never know. I'm sure sober or not, I'd be crying like I am now anyway.
"I'm so sorry, Joel," I said. "So sorry."
"For what?" We stopped walking and Joel gave me a genuinely confused look.
"It probably seems like I only come to you when I need you, but I swear that's not the case. You mean so much to me, and I'm so grateful for you—"
"Josie," Joel cut me off in his assertive tone. "It has not crossed my mind even once that you only come to me when you need me. Even if that were the case, I wouldn't care. I will always be here for you. Even if you cut me out of your life for no reason, then contact me ten years later because you need a shoulder to cry on, I'll be there. I promise."
I wonder every single day how I got lucky enough to meet the two best guys the state of Florida has ever known. Ian Miller and Joel Addison are all-around remarkable men.
"You're going to make the right girl so fricken happy one day, Joel Addison," I told him, smiling up at him softly.
Our conversation was interrupted by the sound of cheers, fireworks, and party-poppers.
"Happy New Year, I guess." I chuckled.
"Of course we'd miss the new year."
"Only the first second," I pointed out. "Time is still moving forward. We still have over 30 million seconds left."
"I like the way you think, Pappstein." All the same as I like the way Ian thinks. My inspiration.
For the rest of the night, I tried to live in the moment and enjoy my time with the friends that were physically present, like Mason, Kaila, and Joel. But I didn't push my boyfriend that was only mentally present out of my mind. I chose to not cloud my mind with the thoughts of what Ian could be going through right now going into the new year. Instead, I remembered all of the good times we've had in the past and thought of all the good times we will have in the future.
•••
Omg guys, I'm SORRYY that this is so late. Soccer just started so I haven't been able to figure out a balance yet! Last night I was going to post this, but I got home from soccer EXHAUSTED. I passed out I was so tired.
I have student council states this weekend and a long bus ride, so hopefully I will get in the writing state of mind!!
Have a good weekend! Hope to see you all Tuesday!
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B.E. Better Everyday