I'm sitting in my room. There's nothing else to do, so I'm sitting here writing another pointless entry. Pointless because nothing's happened since last time I wrote; pointless because it isn't making me feel better; pointless because it isn't bringing him back to me.
Draco hasn't written much. He occasionally sends me a letter: another heartfelt apology, tears smudging the ink on the first few, but after that, nothing. I almost believed the apologies and forgave him but then I remember how he betrayed me. I'll sit in my room at night and when it's past midnight, and everyone in the Slytherin Common Room has disappeared no doubt, he appears in the fire. I can see him, and the first time he appeared, I was in the little chair next to an ever-growing stack of books. I'm not sure if he saw me, but I could hear him all the same; always the same words - I'm sorry. Forgive me. Come back to me. I love you.
I never did as he asked; begged; pleaded. It was too late. Or perhaps I knew all those things already and had already forgiven him without realising, on a subconscious level. Because the truth was that despite everything, I still loved him. The bracelet he bought me for Christmas refused to unlock and sat in a silver circlet about my wrist. I'd tried taking it off. I had. I'd tried tugging, snapping, even cursing it. It refused to move and so I was resigned to staring at the diamonds encrused that sparkled at my every movement. I stopped looking. Eventually.
Maybe it's not so much that I haven't forgiven him, and more that I haven't forgiven myself. He owned up. It was all a bit late, sure, but he told me. Perhaps he really didn't have a choice. But what sort of father would give their kids over to the Dark Lord? Is it that I'm in the same boat as he is? My father is the one thing I thought I needed all this time, and I've mourned for years for that man. Now I can hear his gruff voice through the floor, and his footsteps stomping up the stairs at last, it makes me feel sick. He's dead. My father is dead and it's my mother's fault. Now someone wants all that to change and ruin my life further.
I'm doing that all by myself though. I'm so goddamn stupid. I didn't have to flip out at him. But he was there and I just spun round. I didn't even realise until my hand began stinging later that night as I lay curled in a ball in floods of tears. The skin hurt to the touch and was red raw as I wiped my face and took the first real breath instead of just sobbing in a good few hours. I flicked my wand to relight the fire that was dying in the grate. I sat watching the flames lick up the chimney and saw his face contort in agony as his head cracked against the bathroom wall again; how it sounded; how I ran and how I hadn't seen him since. It was my fault. I can't stop seeing the hurt in his eyes, even worse than the hiss of pain he let lose as I buried my head in the pillow. It had played in my head, imprinted on the inside of my eyelids whenever I tried to sleep.
A week and a half later and little had improved. I have barely slept and I am once again sat in front of my fire. I say I don't want him turning up in my fire and talking to me, but it's so late and I don't know why else I would be sat here. There's nothing to do. I miss him. So maybe I am waiting for him to turn up and see me. I might speak to him. Even if I don't it'll be nice to just see someone outside of these four walls I have lived in since my sixteenth birthday. And as I sat reading the same page in the same book I had been reading for weeks, I heard a voice. His voice. And I looked up from the book and saw his face staring back at me.
And I completely collapsed. I cried for no reason whatsoever, and knelt down on the floor in front of the grate reaching for him. His hand came towards me and I took it, feeling the warm flames envelop our entwining fingers. We both tried speaking but nothing was said. I whispered a tiny "I'm so sorry Draco," and he just shook his head.
"It was all my-" But I didn't want to hear it and cut him off by leaning into the flames and kissing him. It was the strangest kiss we'd ever shared, our lips meeting from hundreds of miles away; heat around us, faces wet from tears, unable to breathe. Then it felt like I was falling backwards, but not alone in it, as I ended up beneath Draco on the carpet of my room. Our lips never left one anothers as we reunited after our prolonged separation. I realised I didn't care what had gone on. It still hurt, and I wouldn't forget, but I had forgiven him because I knew that all he'd done was to save me.
He pulled up and gazed at me, the flames reflecting in his eyes as he took in my appearance and seemed to be commiting it to memory, like he knew everything about me but hadn't ever seen me before. Then he leant back down and devoured my mouth whilst I ached all over for him. His hands crept across my skin, caressing it with his fingers, pulling my clothing away with them. Our clothes discarded in a pile on the floor, he picked me up and carried me to my bed, his silver eyes staring back at mine all the while.
***
The next morning he didn't want to leave. I told him he had to so he wasn't caught out of school when he was supposed to be working. He moaned at me and begged me to come back with him.
"I'll be back soon, Draco baby," I said, "But what does it matter when you can get here every night anyway?"
His eyes lit up at that thought, clearly excited by the prospect. He kissed me on the lips and pulled me into a hug, but then pulled away and looked at me again.
"If you aren't at school though, I can't show off my gorgeous fiance to everyone though, can I? Nat's missing you, the girls are all missing you, and you're missing out on work. If you're not careful, I'll start bringing you homework on these little visits," he taunted me. I pouted and stuck my tongue out at him.
Well, I suppose homework would be more exciting than being with you," I teased.
He rolled his eyes and got up to go.
"I'll see you soon Baby. I love you," he whispered as he grabbed a handful of Floo Powder and walked into the fireplace. As he disappeared in a rush of flames he blew me a kiss.
For the first time in weeks I didn't feel alone. I didn't feel weak and I didn't feel betrayed. How could I after last night when everything was so perfect? Screw what people thought, and what my damn parents said, I'm going back to Hogwarts.