CHAPTER 29 — Family
When I said, I don't want to hurt another important person in my life again, I meant every word. But the moment I saw how hurt Kavan was that night, even though he didn't say anything, I knew I broke my promise.
Hindi ko man ginustong mahalin ako ni Kavan ay nangyari na. Wala na akong magagawa. I did my best trying to ignore his feelings. I have rejected him so many times. Pero ganoon pa rin. Sometimes, I was asking myself if I was doing the right thing. Do I really need to reject him? Do I have to? Should I just accept his feelings for me? Should I give him a chance like what my parents and Rhyna was telling me from the start?
However, while I go into those thoughts, I always come back to the promise I made. That I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. Kaya kahit ano pang awa ang maramdaman ko para kay Kavan, hindi ko pa rin siya magawang pagbigyan. Mas masasaktan ko lang siya kung gagawin ko iyon. Because I know in my heart that it belongs to someone else. I can't give it to anyone because it has already been owned by someone.
"Anak..." mahina ang pagkakatawag sa akin ni daddy. Tahimik lamang dito sa bahay namin kaya narinig ko pa rin siya.
Ilang gabi na rin akong ganito. Madalas ay pinapalipas ko ang oras dito sa living room ng aming bahay upang mag-isip isip. Nakakapagod ang buong araw ngunit hindi ako dinadatnan ng antok tuwing gabi. Kaya imbes na tumulala sa aking kwarto ay binibigyan ko ang aking sarili na makapagmunimuni.
Malamlam akong ngumiti nang makalapit sa akin si daddy. Hindi ko kayang ibigay ang labis na ngiti dahil kagagaling ko lang sa malalim na pag-iisip.
"Seems you are in deep thought. What's brothering my princess?" he asked while walking towards me. Umupo siya sa tabi ko.
I can't help myself but to move near him. Inilawak niya agad ang kaniyang mga braso. Yumakap ako sa kaniya at ipinahinga niya ang aking ulo sa kaniyang balikat.
"Just... some things, dad," I answered, still thinking if I should tell him those things.
Bumuntong hininga si daddy. Alam kong nag-aalala siya. Hindi na rin naman ito bago. Ilang beses na niya akong nakitang ganito sa ilang mga dahilan. Noong nag-aaral ako, madalas akong magkaproblema dahil sa hirap sa pagbabalanse ng trabaho at pag-aaral. Noong naghahanap ako ng trabaho ay nag-aalala akong walang tumanggap sa akin. At ngayon, na may problema ako dulot ng nakaraan.
"You know you can tell anything to me, anak. Maybe I can help you," rinig ko pa rin sa boses niya ang pag-aalala.
Nanikip ang aking dibdib. I had a thought before about my father that I immediately tried to forget the moment it came to me. Noon, inisip kong kasalanan lahat ni daddy kaya nagkaganito ang kinahinatnan ko. I lost the only boy I loved and my best friend because I had to choose between them and my family. I resulted to choosing my family because if not, we will lose my father. Kung hindi kasi niloko ni daddy si mommy, hindi sana kailangan pumili. Hindi sana kami uuwi rito sa Los Angeles. Hindi sana ako lumayo sa Pilipinas. Marahil ang nangyari noon ay si mommy ang uuwi at magiging masayang pamilya kami. Makakasama ko rin ang lalaking minahal ko nang buong puso. At higit sa lahat, hindi ko tatraydurin ang nag-iisang matalik na kaibigan ko.
Ngunit nangyari na ang nangyari. That's why I had to forget the anger that I felt for my father. Dahil isa rin ako sa mga dahilan. Ako ang nagdesisyong lumayo. I couldn't think of any other way to fix the mess that my father did but to go back here and be with mom. I had to bring him home. At mangyayari lang iyon kung kasama akong uuwi rito.
Magulo pero kinalimutan ko na ang mga dahilan. Ngunit sa tanong na hiningi ni daddy, hindi ko maiwasang isipin muli ang lahat ng iyon. Ang pait ng nakaraan ay bumalik.
"I really wanted to be honest with you, dad. Sa'yo ko lang ito sasabihin. Mom know about this but we don't talk about it that much. And you know mom, she's always into what's best for me. She thinks that this only hurts me and that I should just forget about it," I whispered the last words.
Nanahimik si daddy. Inangat ko ang aking ulo upang tingnan siya. I moved again so that I am facing him.
"You still remember... my friends in the Philippines," I asked him. I'm hesitant to say it because I can't even utter their names. Nakokonsensya ako at pakiramdam ko ay wala akong karapatang banggitin ang mga pangalan nila.
"Yeah... Enrico's children. Conrad and Celine," may hatid na lungkot sa kaniyang boses.
Pumikit ako sa pagkakarinig sa dalawang pangalan. Kinagat ko ang aking labi dahil gusto ko pang pigilan ang emosyon kong unti unti nang kumakawala. Hindi ko alam kung sinadya ba ni daddy ang lungkot sa kaniyang boses o dahil kahit siya ay nanghihinayang sa mga nangyari.
"Right, dad. I can't believe you still remember their names," I smiled weakly. Pinaglaruan ko ang mga daliri ko.
"Of course, I remember them. Nakakausap ko pa ang Tito Enrico mo at madalas niyang binabanggit ang kaniyang mga anak."
Suminghap ako sa nalaman. Alam kong nag-uusap pa sila ni Tito Enrico tungkol sa negosyo pero hindi ko naisip na pinag-uusapan din nila ang kambal. I wonder if dad talks about me as well. I wonder if... they ask Tito Enrico about me."
Kumirot ang aking puso.
"I miss them so much. I didn't have a proper farewell to them. I always think about them. Iniisip ko palagi kung kumusta na ba sila. Kung masaya ba sila. Kung nalungkot ba sila sa biglaang pagkawala ko. I wanted to talk to them but I don't know how. I could always contact them through social media but I can't. Nahihiya ako sa mga ginawa ko sa kanila," I wasn't able to control myself and I cried.
I cried hard. Tears were continuously streaming down my cheeks.
Napansin ko ang pagkagulat kay daddy. Hindi niya alam ang gagawin. He just held me in his arms tightly like what he used to do whenever I cry back when I was just a child.
Malalakas na hikbi ang aking pinakawalan. Pinipigilan ko pang lakasan ito dahil ayokong marinig kami ni mommy. She will be worried. And that's the least thing I want her to feel. Eversince the problem between my parents happened, I promised to myself to be a good daughter. I will never give them any problem. I will always obey them. Hindi ako gagawa ng pagkakamaling magiging dahilan upang masira ang aming pamilya.
I was very cautious. I am careful of the way I act in front of them. And while doing that, I also made sure that nothing else will be a reason to break them.
Kaya kahit na ilang beses kong maisip ang nais kong mangyari ay hindi ko magawa. Hindi ko kayang ipaalam sa kanila.
"Tell me what I have to do, anak. You know I'll do anything for you. How can I help you?" daddy was also crying.
Nanginginig ang aking mga labi. I cannot believe myself. Hindi ko lubos akalaing hihilingin ko itong muli sa kaniya. It's been years since I last asked him about this. And it almost broke our family.
I don't want to be selfish again but he's asking me. I don't want to lie either.
"I wanna go home," I uttered the words carefully, thinking that I might regret it in the future. "Can we go home, dad?" Pero hindi ko mapigilan ang aking sarili. Umiyak ako nang umiyak habang pinapakiusapan siya. "I just wanna go home with you and mom. And thinking about it makes me feel so selfish!" I broke down.
Pinatahan ako ni daddy. Ilang minuto na ang lumipas ngunit hindi siya sumagot. Nag-aalala ako na baka nagkamali ako. Kaya kong bawiin ang mga sinabi ko. Babawiin ko. I want to go home but more than that I want my family to be always complete. I am living for that purpose and nothing can break it.
Magsasalita na sana akong muli upang bawiin ang aking sinabi nang maunahan niya ako.
"Sometimes you just have to let go of your feelings, Elaine." He mumbled my name seriously like he really wanted me to listen. "Let go of the emotions in your heart. You cannot keep it forever. You might emotionally die if you continue hidng it. We are humans and we are expected to express our deepest emotions."
Pinakawalan niya ako. Iniharap niya ang aking mukha sa kaniya. Dahan dahan niyang pinunasan ang aking mga luha.
"I am so sorry for hurting you, anak. I know deep in your heart, it's still there. Hindi ako umaasang makakalimutan mo ang pagkakamali ko noon. I am willing to say sorry to you until my last breath. Bumabawi ako at hanggat nabubuhay ako, hindi ako titigil na bumawi sa inyo ng mommy mo. I am so sorry because I have hurt you and you are still hurting up to this moment because of my wrong decisions. Seeing you and your mother in pain was the most painful thing that happened to me. I was wrong. There is no proper excuse or reason to what I did. I did it and that's it. I will forever regret it."
Kitang kita kong nababasag si daddy sa harap ko. The first time I saw this was five years ago, when I confronted him of what he did. I already saw him crying but this is the worst. Wasak na wasak siya at nararamdaman ko ang kaniyang pagkadurog.
"I forgive you, dad. I have forgiven you a long time ago," I assured him. Tumango pa ako nang ilang beses para lang ipakita sa kaniyang totoo iyon.
"Pero kasalanan ko pa rin kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay nasasaktan ka. I know that it's because of me. You are scared of what will happen. You are my daughter and I know what you are thinking. Ang sakit sakit na alam kong ako ang dahilan kung bakit nasasaktan ang anak ko," nabasag ang boses niya.
Sa katandaan ni daddy ay nakakita ako ng isang batang puslit na nagsisisi sa kaniyang ginawa. Binuksan niya ang kaniyang puso sa akin at nakita ko roon ang lahat ng pagsisisi niya.
"Dad... but we cannot do anything about it, right? I don't want to hurt mom. Yes, I see that she has forgiven you but I know that she won't approve of going back to the Philippines. Ayoko ring saktan niya."
"You are not hurting anyone here, anak. Stop blaming yourself for what happened years ago. It was all on me," he whispered, his voice full of regret. "You fear the thought of going back home because you think I might end up doing it again. At iyon ang pinakamasakit para sa akin. Hindi ko mabigay ang kasiyahan sa inyo dahil may kaakibat iyong takot."
Yumuko ako. I cried harder. Tama si daddy. Iyon nga ang nararamdaman ko. I bet mom also feel that way. Hindi ko maisip kung ano ba ang tamang gawin. This was the first time I cried like this after five years. I can still remember the last time I cried so hard. It was when I left Conrad and Celine without letting them know how much I regret leaving them. Pinakasamakit ay iyong hindi ako nakapagpaalam nang maayos sa kanila.
Yes, Conrad knew about everything. He knows why I had to leave and stay here in the states, but I feel like I was still so selfish because I didn't bid him a proper goodbye. Mas masahol ang aking ginawa kay Celine. She didn't know a thing and all I did to her was lie. And the worst thing was, I left without letting her know the truth.
Sa tuwing naalala ko ang mga bagay na ginawa ko sa kanila ay napagtatanto ko kung gaano ako kasahol na kaibigan. Hindi ko pwedeng sabihing hindi ko iyon sinadya. I planned everything. I lied to them for a reason. I left them with the intention of not properly saying goodbye to them. At lahat nang iyon ay ginawa ko para sa sarili ko. Napakamakasarili ko.
"Shh... Hush, my princess." Dad took me in his arms.
Durog na durog ang aking puso. Para bang mahigpit itong binabalot ng sakit na hindi ko na magawang kumawala pa. All I feel was pain and all I can do to ease that pain was to cry.
Umiyak ako nang umiyak hanggang sa naging maliliit na hikbi na lang ang lumalabas sa bibig ko.
"We should have told you about our plans," dad started talking when he noticed that I was already trying to calm myself.
Gumalaw ako nang kaunti ngunit hindi ako bumitaw sa yakap ni daddy.
"W-what plans?" I struggled to speak because of too much sobbing.
Huminga nang malalim si daddy. Sa nahimigan kong emosyon sa kaniyang malalim na paghinga ay nalaman kong may mahalaga siyang sasabihin. Kaya bumitaw ako sa kaniya at hinarap siya.
"We've been having these plans since you graduated. But your mom was hesitant even though she was the one who suggested it." Sumeryoso ang mukha ni daddy.
Whatever it is, I assume it is not a good idea but they want to do it.
"We wanted to ask you first. We know that what happened before affected you so much. That's why I was hoping that before we tell you about our plans, you have already forgiven me and I have earned your trust. Alam kong mahirap iyon para sa inyo ng mommy mo. But we have talked about this a lot of times and we came up with a decision. And we want to know your thoughts," paliwanag niya sa akin.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit bumibilis at lumalakas ang dagundong ng tibok ng puso ko. I stopped crying but I felt something more different. The feeling was more unbearable.
"Dad... Don't tell me..." ninenerbyos ako ngunit may kahalo pa iyong emosyon na hindi ko mapangalanan.
"We wanted to move in the Philippines, anak. The three of us. That is if you wanted it as well," he was saying each word gradually. Para bang ayaw niyang may maramdaman akong mali sa kaniyang mga salita.
Umawang ang aking bibig at hindi agad ako nakasagot. Hinihintay ni daddy ang sasabihin ko pero hindi ako makapag-isip nang maayos. It was as if my brain refused to function. I cannot comprehend what he said. Kahit ang mga salita ay nawala.
"We have been thinking about this until now. Your mom doesn't know that I plan to tell you about it. Gusto ko sanang sabihin sa'yo nang kasama natin siya ngunit nakita kita kanina. Nananahimik ka lang, Elaine. You don't want us to notice but I see it. I see how sad you are and how much you are suffering because of our situation. And because of what happened to you and your friends," aniya.
Hindi ako makapaniwalang ganoon ako kahalata. All this time I thought I was being careful because I don't want them to worry. Pero nakita ni daddy ang sakit na nasa aking puso.
"Kilalang kilala kita. I have been with you since you were born, anak. You are my princess. You are my flesh and blood. Alam ko kung kailan ka masaya o kung kailan ka nagpapanggap lang. I want you to know that I care about you a lot. Nagkamali ako noon pero hindi niyon binago ang pagmamahal ko sa aking nag-iisang anak. Sa inyo ng mommy mo. Mahal na mahal ko kayo."
Pagkasabi niyon ni daddy ay muli siyang yumuko. Sinalo ng kaniyang palad ang kaniyang mukha. I am witnessing how much pain the past also caused him. Hindi lang kami ni mommy ang nasaktan kung hindi siya rin. Hindi lang kami ni mommy ang nahirapang magpatawad. Kahit siya ay hindi mapatawad ang kaniyang sarili.
Ngumiti ako. Sa puntong ito ay mas maginhawa iyon at totoo. "Well, dad. Isa na lang ang kulang. I think you also have to forgive yourself."
Tumango siya. "I just wanted to hear it from you, anak. Your mom has forgiven me. Naramdaman ko iyon sa mga lumipas na taon. Pero sa iyo ako natatakot," umalon ang kaniyang boses dahil sa pag-iyak.
Mas pinalawak ko ang aking ngiti. There are still tears in my eyes but it is different this time. It is because of happiness and longing. Sa wakas ay bumalik na kami ni daddy sa dati.
"I have forgiven you, dad. Matagal na. I'm sorry 'coz I didn't let you feel it. I didn't say anything. Akala ko kasi ay mas mahirap ang mga salita. So I just let things happen until one day it became somehow okay. Hanggang sa hindi ko na naiisip ang mga nangyari noon. And then suddenly everything felt totally fine. We are happy again. At nakikita ko na ulit ang pagmamahal ninyo ni mommy sa isa't isa."
Kinuha ko ang mga kamay ni daddy. Saglit ko iyong hinawakan ngunit pinalitan niya ang pwesto ng aming mga kamay. He held on my hands so tight.
"It will always be about you, anak. It's your decision to make. Just like before. Whatever will make you happy will make us happier. Your mom wants to go home but more than anything else we desire for what want for yourself. We are a family. Kakampi mo pa rin ako. Kaming dalawa ng mommy mo."
My lips curved into a smile. My heart was melting but in a good way. Naramdaman ko ang pagkatunaw ng pait sa aking puso habang may umuusbong na ligaya dahil sa mga nangyari ngayong gabi.
"Yes, dad. We are a family. And It's not just my decision. Itama na natin ang maling paraan natin ng pagdedesisyon noon. Everything went wrong because of our different opinions and decisions. Let us decide as a family from now on."