A/N: Hey guys, so here is the first chapter of the day, another one should follow real soon! Double update, yay! Stay tuned! 😁
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The atmosphere around the loft was freezing. My grandmother stood there, just before Hayden and I. She had this fear in her eyes, and I could easily see how uneasy she felt just by her body language. With a trembling hand, she put the little basket she had on the bar, on her left, never making eye contact with either of us. She didn't know what to say, and she probably knew that she didn't have a good enough reason to give me that would make this okay.
"Apparently you recognized Hayden, huh?" I broke the silence. "Just to be sure, I'll introduce him to you," I said on a sarcastic note, ignoring the huge lump that was forming in my throat, and the anger boiling in me. "So this is Hayden Wilson, he is my brother. The one you hid from me for twenty-nine years."
Grams looked at the floor, but it felt like she wasn't even there. Her body was there, but her mind seemed to be somewhere else.
"I—I'm sorry," she mumbled, finally looking at me in the eyes.
"This is really what you're going to tell me? That you're sorry, and that's it, Grams?" I asked, completely stunned.
"What do you expect me to say, Hayley?" she harshly asked me, once she seemed out of her trance.
"I want you to explain why the fuck did you do that to me? Why did you tell Hayden to stay away from me when you knew that he might be different too?" I yelled at that point, walking closer to her. "Why did you do that to me?"
"Is he? Different?" is all she asked, ignoring my questions.
"I'm right here," Hayden chimed in, and I turned my head in his direction. "I think I am the one who should answer this question. Unless you still want to ignore my being here?" he asked, but Grams didn'y answer, instead she gave him the blackest stare I had ever seen before. "Anyway, yes, I am. Hayley and I are the same, and now she knows about me, there's nothing you can say or do that would make me leave."
Hayden spoke in a stern voice. He didn't want our grandmother to take anymore decision for me, and I didn't either. The only person I wanted out of the loft was my her, because I could feel anger boiling in me, little by little.
"You can't stay around her," Grams told him, and it was too much for me to take. She was going too far.
"I'm going to ask you to leave, Grams. Hayden is going nowhere," I said through gritted teeth.
"Did he tell you?" she asked, looking from Hayden to me. "Did he tell you everything about him?"
"I know what I need to know. I know he is my brother and that I need him. This is all that should matter. You should be happy that I found someone like me, someone that will be able to answer my questions and to reassure me about my fears. What the fuck, Grams?" I asked, my vision blurred by the tears that gathered in my eyes at that point.
My grandmother looked at me and I noticed how she clenched her jaw while her eyes got watery. She didn't speak another word to me, but instead she walked closer to Hayden. She was throwing daggers his way, and I still had no idea why.
"You," she said, stopping a couple of feet away from him. "I'd be curious to know what you told her about your past. For instance... Did you tell her about your little trip to rehab?"
Rehab? I asked myself frowning.
Hayden stayed silent, and his eyes widened a bit when Grams mentioned that. I examined his behavior closely, and his whole demeanor changed in a split second. It's like his whole body tensed up, his breathing got faster, and he moved uncomfortably, not knowing what to do with his arms. It was obvious that he forgot to mention something about his past.
"Apparently you didn't," my grandmother concluded. "I imagine you didn't tell her about your overdose as well, right? Or about how you met your wife at an AA meeting?"
"W—Wait," I raised a hand, motioning my grandmother to stop talking. "I thought you met Emma after one of your common classes in college?"
Hayden looked at me shamefully, as guilt appeared in his blue eyes. He didn't speak a word, but instead he looked at the floor and let Grams reveal his darkest secrets without his approval. She was humiliating him.
"Oh, I almost forgot that day where your father and his mother had to bail him out of jail because he got into a fight and destroyed the other man's face," she added. The more she was speaking, the more I could feel my chest burning with anger and utter shame, like Hayden's emotions were slowly transferring to me. "You understand now why I didn't tell you about him, Hale?" Grams asked me, but I couldn't take my eyes off of my brother who seemed to be in pain just reminiscing this part of his life. "He is a drug addict, a violent person and now, a liar. He may have the same gift as you, but he is nothing like you, and he'll bring only bad things into your life."
It was my turn to be silent. I had no idea what to say, so I just stayed there for some long seconds. The whole place was silent, the only noise that could be heard was the ticking of the clock hanging on the wall. My heart was beating extremely fast in my chest because of the different strong emotions I had in me: pain, anger, sadness, shame... it was a mix of mine and Hayden's emotions, and I was trying my best to deal with all of them at once.
"You said Hayden was a liar, but for how many years did you lie to me, Grams? Huh? Twenty nine years. For twenty-nine years you looked at me in the eyes and told me I was your only grandchild. You told me I was Dad's most beautiful and only accomplishment."
"And I wasn't lying. You are perfect just the way you are. You both are completely opposite to each other."
Without speaking another word, Hayden took his leather jacket again, and walked to the front door. Even after everything that happened during the past few minutes, I couldn't bear the sight of him leaving.
"Hayden, wait!" I called, and ran after him, passing my grandmother in the process. "Don't go, please. I'm begging you."
"I told you this was a bad idea. She's right, I don't want to bring any drama into your life, I should have stayed out of your life," he shamefully said, once again, and my heart broke at the sight. A tear fell from my cheek as I took his hand in mine.
I didn't say another word but dragged him back to the living room where Grams was watching us from afar. I didn't bother wipe my tears away from my face, and looked at her deep in the eyes.
"You probably don't see it because you're blinded by your hate and your fear right now, but you're being a cold-hearted woman with no morals whatsoever. Do you realize what you just did to Hayden? To the man who has your son's blood running through his veins?" I asked her, but she didn't move an inch nor showed any sign of regret. "You mentioned that I was perfect, but there is not such thing as perfection. Every human being is flawed. You are. I am. Hayden is. And dad was. Dad was a cheater and a liar, and even though it pains me to say it, it is the truth and you know it. And you... You're just his accomplice in this, which makes you no better than him. You call yourself a Christian, but doesn't the Bible say to look at our sins before judging someone else?" I asked, and finally my grandmother's face seemed to change a little, even to soften slightly. "Hayden has made his mistakes in the past, but what matters is the present and the future, not the past. Now. And right now, I want to know my brother. I want to let him the chance to introduce me to the best version of himself."
At my words, Hayden squeezed my hand slightly to show me his appreciation for what I had told my grandmother.
"Now you have two choices. You can decide to put the past behind you and go forward without your judgmental ways. It's never too late to do what's right, you can still get to know your grandson, he's standing right before you," I encouraged her, but I couldn't read the expression on her face.
"What's the second option?" she asked in a neutral voice.
"Leave."
"Hayley—" Hayden tried to reason with me, but I ignored him.
"You can decide to leave right now," I looked deep into her eyes. "But if you leave now, I don't know when you'll see me again."
"W—What? Are you turning your back on me because of him? He just lied to you a—and you don't even know him! He isn't part of our family, Hayley!"
"Looks like I don't know you either," I spat back, clenching my jaw. "You lied to me too for all my life and you accuse him of doing the same thing while it's not half as bad as what you did to me?" I scoffed sarcastically. "Wow, okay. You know what, Grams? I'm taking this decision for you. I want you out of here."
"What?! A—are you kicking me out now?" she exclaimed, completely dumbfounded.
"I am. I can't tolerate judgment in my own house. When you'll be ready to forgive and move on like the good Christian you claim you are, then I'll listen to what you have to say. I just don't know who you are anymore, and I can't even look at you right now. So please, leave."
Once again, she looked at me with round eyes as if I was crazy, but when she noticed the dead serious look on my face, she understood that I was not joking. I wanted her out of my place. I needed her out. It pained me to be in the same room as my grandmother without even recognizing her. She wasn't the person who raised me anymore, she turned into someone I didn't know.
Alice, who was somewhere in the loft the entire time, emerged from the hallway and walked to the three of us. Gently, she took Grams' arm, and told her to follow her to the door in the most gentle way possible. I was a bit relieved to see that she didn't try to fight back. She just followed my best friend to the door without trying to go against my decision.
"All I wanted was to protect you. This is what your father wanted, and I tried my best to," I heard her trembling voice say with her back still facing me. "Never forget that."
And with that, she was gone. Once I heard the door closing, I felt like the anger that was boiling inside of me was taking control of my entire body. I put my hands on my hips and breathed in and out heavily to try to calm me down, but nothing seemed to work out for me. Without thinking much, I kicked the bar stool that was next to me, and it fell automatically on the ground in a loud thud.
"Hey Brit, calm—"
"Don't tell me to fucking calm down right now," I harshly snapped, which surprised my best friend. Normally, I would have apologized for being so aggressive, but at that instant, being polite wasn't my number one preoccupation. "She didn't have no right to choose for me, she didn't know what I needed, sh—she doesn't know shit! Who is she? Since when does she judge people for their actions? And why the fuck do people keep lying to my face, huh?" I asked, looking in Hayden's direction. "Why?!" I exclaimed, as I took the nearest empty vase on the bar, ready to smash it too.
Once I had the vase in hand, a flash happened in my mind. Another painless one. I could see Michael handing me a wonderful bouquet of red roses that I put in that same vase I was holding. Just the sight of him in my head put me at ease, like he was water and that he managed to stop that fire I had inside of me. Once again, without even being here, Michael was the one to keep me together and sane.
"I'm sorry, I thought you would judge me. Just li—" Hayden apologized sincerely, looking down.
"Yeah, just like her. Makes sense," I finished his sentence, and laughed sarcastically again. I put the vase down with a little wince of pain because of the discomfort I felt in my still healing shoulder. "You'll have to tell me everything in the car."
"I—In the car? But Brit, you just got here, and you can't drive just yet. Where are you going?" Alice asked, as she was now standing in front of me.
"I'm going back to Neverland. Since Hayden lives in Montecito, I'll call Bill from his place so that he can come get me," I commanded, without even asking my brother if he was okay with that.
"I uh—okay but... Neverland? As in Peter Pan and Michael Jackson's Neverland? In Los Olivos?" Hayden asked, completely confused at that point. This conversation had been a lot for him to take, he seemed completely out of it. Telling him about Michael wasn't probably the right time, but I couldn't back down.
"Yeah, I work there," I half lied, not wanting to tell him about the nature of Michael and I's relationship just yet. I needed to know if I could trust him with my second biggest secret. "Do you mind?"
"Wow uh, n—no. I thought you worked as a Pediatrician, I'm confused."
"I'll explain in the car," I told him, rubbing my temples a bit.
And to top it all, I had a headache.
"You're really going back, huh?" Al asked, a hint of sadness in her voice. "You're barely there these days."
"Alice please, not now," I almost begged her in a heavy sigh. I was tired of all this mess, I just wanted to get to Neverland and to leave my problems outside of the Ranch. I wanted to be near Michael, and let his presence heal my pains. "I need this."
"When are you coming back home?" she asked, hopeful. "I miss spending time with you. You're always there, not here anymore. Carl and I are basically the ones living there."
"I'll be gone for a few days only," I reassured her, and gave her a quick hug. "We'll spend more time together when I get home, I promise."
I looked at my best friend one last time, and headed outside. I didn't wait for Hayden, I knew he would follow me. When I stepped out of the building, fresh air hit my face, and I closed my eyes at the pleasant feeling. I didn't realize how much anger I had stored deep inside of me until that moment. Thanks to the soothing wind of LA, my anger slowly got out of my system. I was tired of talking, I just wanted to stay there and forget about everything that had been going on for the past hour.
The car ride was awfully silent at first. I could tell that Hayden felt guilty about a bunch of things, but he was also nervous. He probably didn't know how to start this conversation, the conversation about what really happened during his younger years. I didn't want to pressure him to talk about it, because I could see how uncomfortable it made him feel, and how ashamed he was about it although it belonged to the past. Some things leave scars, and this part of his life clearly left one.
"I can take you there myself," he finally spoke up, focusing on the road ahead of him. "T—To Neverland, I mean."
"It's a one hour drive from Montecito, I don't want to bother you. I'll have someone pick me up," I refused politely.
"Please, it's the least I can do," he insisted, and took a quick look in my direction. "Plus, I'd like to see what Neverland looks like from the outside."
"Are you sure? You really d—"
"I'm positive," he cut me off, and a ghost of a smile appeared on his face. "Can I ask you... How he is like? Michael Jackson, I mean. This man is bigger than life itself. How did you end up working for him?" he curiously asked. It was probably a way for him to avoid the dreaded conversation about his past.
"We um, we met at the hospital. He came by a couple of times, and he asked me if I could come by to his property to take care of sick children he allows to come over there thanks to the Make A Wish Foundation," I told him without getting into details. I was not lying, I was just purposely avoiding some fragments of the story. "He said that he wanted someone passionate about their job to be at the head of the medical crew, and he found that person in me."
"So you're the head of his medical crew, really?" he asked, and I simply nodded as he looked at me briefly. "And how is he like? I mean there's a lot of stuff written about him in the press, but he seems to be a nice guy."
"Michael is the sweetest person I have ever met," I truthfully answered. "He's funny and adorable with everybody. There's not an ounce of evil inside this man. He's all about peace and love. He just wants to make this world a better place, you know?"
"Wait w-wait, it just clicked in my head... Is Michael Jackson the same Michael you told me you had visions about?" Hayden asked, frowning a little, and I mentally slapped myelf.
I stayed silent. I didn't know what to say, as I didn't expect him to link what I told him earlier in the morning and what I told him at that moment. Hayden might be my brother, but I didn't know if I could trust him with such a secret. I wanted to tell him, I wanted to share all of my secrets with him because I somehow felt safe around him, but I couldn't tell him everything. Not yet.
"It's him, am I right?" my brother asked, and I simply nodded my head slowly. "Well, shit. This is insane. How uh... how do you feel about him? Do you love him?"
I breathed in quietly, and looked down at my lap before answering briefly: "I do."
"A-Are you in love with him?"
"I am."
"Does he know?"
"H—He... No, he doesn't."
Technically, that wasn't a lie since Michael didn't know what my feelings for him actually were. With that answer, I knew Hayden would think that I was loving him on my own, and this is what I wanted him to believe. He was probably miles away from the truth, anyway, as he thought of Michael as someone who was bigger than life itself, untouchable. He would never imagine him dating his sister, and that would help me keep our secret safe.
When I thought about it, I really doubted that Michael knew how I really felt for him. Our relationship was still fresh, so he probably thought that I cared deeply for him and that I somehow loved him. But loving someone is quite different from being in love. Being in love is deeper, it is the most beautiful and the most awful thing that exists in the world. It is about passion, desire, giving yourself completely to the other. It is about thinking we before you think I. Being in love is like a virus, it can happen to anybody at anytime. It consumes you, a little bit more each day, and all it takes is one stare, one word, or one touch.
"I hope he'll feel the same for you someday. You know, so that I can brag about having Michael Jackson as my brother-in-law."
"You're silly," I shook my head at him, giggling slightly. "If you could keep that to yourself, though? I don't want people to know who I work for. I could be fired for that."
"Yeah, sure. I understand. I'll keep my mouth shut," he nodded right away in understanding. "Andy is a fan. He's been obsessed with Bad for a couple of years."
"He inspires so many children. I was amazed to see how the faces of the kids I work with lit up when they saw him," I remembered, a smile touching my lips. "I know it's going to be quite complicated but... Can you not tell Andy as well?"
"Y—yeah sure, don't worry. I won't," he assured me.
I nodded slightly, and looked at the passing landscape through the window. I could feel how Hayden was trying to avoid the topic, but I really needed to know if what my grandmother said was true. Not because it would have changed my opinion on him, but because I wanted to understand where he was coming from.
"Is what you told me about your past the same thing you tell everybody?" I asked, completely out of the blue, which visibly took Hayden by surprise. He moved uncomfortably in his seat, but stayed focus on the road ahead of him.
"It's um... Yeah. My past is not something I'm proud of, so I avoid talking about it. And when I do... Well, I just lie because I feel ashamed of it. I know I owe you the truth, but I—I don't even know where to begin, and I just... I don't want you to run away."
"I think I proved you that I wouldn't run away. After everything Grams said, I stood by you, and I refused to judge you the way she did," I told him, and he sighed, still looking at the road. "I'm not running away from you, Hayden."
My brother sighed heavily, his grip on the wheel becoming tighter before he opened his mouth to speak again.
"Martha was right. I am... I am a former addict. Everything she said about me was right, actually. She didn't lie about anything, I did," he said in a trembling voice, as he stopped at a red light. "I've never been the greatest son anyone could ask for. I was always turbulent, I didn't listen to anybody but myself. I guess that's how you end up when you grow up without a father," he shrugged slightly, and this feeling of guilt came back. "At some point, I started to try to fill that void with liquor. At first I felt like it was working. When I was drunk I didn't think about how shitty my life was. My mom was never home because she was working two jobs, but we still barely had money; Rupert was too busy with his other life to give us a hand or to be there for me; and then Stefan died, and this is where I lost it. I managed to graduate from high school, but I never went to college... That was another lie."
"I remember seeing pictures of you and dad in the attic. He was there for your graduation day, huh?"
"Yeah, he was. My mother was very concerned about me at that time, so she somehow convinced him to be more present for me, especially since Stefan died," he explained, and I nodded. "But it didn't last long. As soon as he went missing again, I started to do drugs with a bunch of people I thought were my friends. Long story short, I overdosed during one of those parties, and they left me for dead after they called 911. They didn't want to get caught," he shook his head. "I was naive back then."
"Like every nineteen year-old boy," I told him, shrugging.
"I guess," he snorted sarcastically. "Anyway. After that, I went to rehab and spent six months there. It was the worst six months of my life."
"I've seen people in withdrawal, and I could tell they were going through the worst time of their life," I commented.
"It is. But I somehow got out of here being clean, and this is all that mattered in the end. But... When I got back home, after a while I crossed path with one of the guys who left me for dead that night, and I just lost it. I beat him hard, and when Martha said I destroyed his face... She didn't exaggerated. I got arrested, but luckily the guy didn't press charges. He knew that if he did, I would tell the police he was a drug dealer. I remember the expression on my mother's face... She was desperate. I could tell she didn't know what to do with me anymore. She was tired, and I even think that she became scared of me at some point. I couldn't bear that, so I decided to put my life back on tracks. I needed to act like a man, not for me, not for Rupert, but for her, my mother."
"That's when you started the AA meetings, I assume?"
"Yes. I started to look for a job, and then I went to those meetings, and it helped. It helped so much," he sincerely told me. "I had my bad days, and I plunged back into drugs a few times after that but... It's when I met Emma that everything changed. I didn't lie about how it was to meet her. She changed my life for the best. Of course, as two former addicts we had our bad times, she also went back to drinking at some point but... We had each other's back. We did," he told me, and I could feel that he was starting to get emotional. "When Andy was born, I knew that I would protect them for the rest of my life, and to do that, I needed to be sober. I stayed away from booze and pills ever since the day Emma told me she was pregnant."
"You can be proud of yourself, you've come a long way to be the person you are now," I congratulated him, giving him a little smile. "You are strong and brave. You made mistake, but they belong to the past. You are the best version of yourself now."
"I want to be, for Andy and for my mother. And now, I want to be that person for you, too. You deserve a family, and Andy and I can be your family."
"I—I'd love that," I smiled, getting emotional at Hayden's words. They reminded me of Katherine Jackson's ones, when she offered me to share her family with me.
Secretly, I hoped that someday we would be just one big family. Together.