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After our trip to the Bahamas, I created a little mantra for myself; we will get through this, our love is forever. I needed something to hold on to, something to remind myself that we could make it though when things felt bleak. And things were about to get a lot more bleak.
When we came back, things were better than when we left, in that James didn't disappear in the middle of the night anymore and he seemed to be curbing his drinking, but he still felt far away. I had hoped that our conversation at the resort would remind him that I was there for him, that he could trust me with whatever was weighing on him, but he still seemed intent on keeping things bottled up. I could see the love in his eyes and in the way he touched me, but he stayed pretty quiet about anything that could lead to deeper discussions.
A week after we got home, the band's third album, Master of Puppets, was released, and the boys were crazy busy with print and radio interviews while also trying to rehearse for the tour. The album was getting amazing buzz, and music magazines were hailing it one of the best metal albums to come out in years. Corinne, Kelly, and I booked a club and threw a party to celebrate the album's success, and also as sort of a bon voyage before hitting the road with the Ozzy Osbourne tour. We invited everyone and everyone came. All of our of our Bay Area friends, Metal Joe flew in from Jersey, Hugh led a battalion of friends from SoCal, including Mel and Jim, all of the road crew, and a bunch of our local musician buddies.
The club was a bit of a hole in the wall, but it was large enough to handle a large crowd, they had a full bar, and a stage and sound system ready for whoever wanted to get up and jam. Spastik Children made an appearance, our buddy Jim's band Faith No More did a set, Kirk's old band Exodus performed, and of course James and the boys got up and treated us to some of the new album.
Watching him perform, I could tell he was relaxed and having fun and I knew how much it meant to him to have everyone together. Catching my eye while they started in on Sanitarium, I felt the invisible rope that was always linking us, pull at me, drawing me closer to the stage until I was standing directly in front of him, swaying along to the rhythm. The dark and sexy moodiness of the song reminded me of Jamie, especially now as he watched me intently as I moved to the music. When the song finished, he leaned down and I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him deeply, the whole bar clapping and hooting at our display.
Finally, I broke the kiss and we stared at each other as we tried to catch our breaths.
"I need to get ya alone," James murmured as he stroked my flushed cheek.
"Come find me after yer set." I smiled, my eyes promising something naughty.
Rumbling low in his throat, he let me go and stood back up, smiling my favorite smile at me before turning his attention back to the crowd and scowling at the lewd comments being lobbed our way.
"Alright, shut the fuck up," he muttered into the mic before tearing into the intro to Battery.
I wandered back towards the table where Kelly, Corinne, and Mel were sitting. Jim was at the front of the stage thrashing with the other guys, and I sat down in his spot next to Mel, beaming like an idiot.
"Why the shit eating grin Lei?" Kel raised an eyebrow. "Maybe something to do with yer boyfriend almost sucking the tongue out of yer mouth in front of all of us?"
The girls laughed at that and I felt my cheeks go red as they all teased me good naturedly.
"Well, I have to admit, I'm a little jealous," Corinne said, smiling at me sweetly. "Cliff is far too private to do something like that, but James—even though he can be shy— he never hides the fact that he loves you."
I looked to Kelly, who was the only one at the table to know the ups and downs of the last six months between Jamie and me. Her lips twisted ruefully, but then she held her drink up to the rest of us. "I wanna make a toast to James, Cliff, and Jim." We all looked at her in surprise and she just smiled benignly. "Cuz clearly, they have fantastic taste in women."
We all laughed and made a big show of agreeing whole-heartedly as we clinked glasses.
"Speaking of having great taste in women," Melissa spoke up, taking a quick sip of her Long Island ice tea, "I heard a rumor Kel that yer datin' someone new."
Now it was Kelly's turn to blush as we all turned to look at her. "Apparently Leila is totally crap at keeping her trap shut." She threw me the evil eye for spilling the beans, but I just shrugged it off and grinned back at her. "Yes, I'm datin' someone new. His name is Patrick, he's twenty-five, and he works at an architectural firm that focuses on historical Craftsman restorations."
The other two girls stared at her, and Kel looked between the two of them in confusion. "What?"
"He sounds like an actual grown-up," Corinne replied
Mel and I nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, I guess he is." Kelly smiled shyly, before adding, "But yer guys are totally..."
Her voice drifted off as we all turned to see James and Cliff head banging on stage, while Jim, and most of the party goers, thrashed around on the dance floor below. We all looked at each other then and started cracking up.
"You were sayin' Kel?" I commented wryly as we continued to laugh.
We peppered her with more questions about Patrick while we watched the rest of Metallica's set. Once they were done, James and Cliff came over with Jim. Cliff squeezed into the banquet next to Corinne, and I gave Jim his seat back since Jamie was tugging on my hand to follow him. Smiling slyly at me, he led us towards the back of the club and to a door marked "Exit". Pushing it open, the rush of cool air felt good as we stepped out into an alley. He stopped and looked around for a moment before leading us around a corner to where the alley dead ended. Finding it relatively dark and private, he wasted no time in pushing me up against the outside wall of the club, his lips finding mine in a heated and primal kiss. Wrapping my arms around his shoulders, I held on as he ravaged my mouth, his tongue slicking along mine as his hands crept up underneath my skirt to grip my ass.
"Shit Lei," he whispered roughly against my lips, "I was just gonna kiss you, but now I need more or I'm gonna lose my fuckin' mind."
I reached down between us and undid his jeans and pulled out his rock hard cock, giving it a few strokes as he shuddered against me. He lifted me up then and I wrapped my legs around his waist as he pushed himself up into me, both of us gasping and shaking at the sensation of oneness. Closing his eyes, he rested his forehead against mine for a moment, his breath feathering lightly across my cheeks as I watched the emotions working across his face.
Finally, he opened his eyes to stare at me. "This is all I ever wanted Leila. All I ever wanted was to be with you."
My heart melted at that as I smiled lovingly at him. "You have me Jamie. That's never gonna change."
Instead of answering, he shifted his hips up against me and I moaned at the sensation of being filled completely. The sound must have turned him on, because he kept moving inside me as he pressed me up against the wall, his thrusts gaining in momentum as I held on tight, my whimpers and mewls of pleasure getting louder as he pushed us both towards release.
"Cum baby," I whispered hotly against his ear, "cum for me. I wanna watch you."
That was all it took to push him over the edge as his movements increased. Then his body suddenly tensed and I kissed him deeply, swallowing his cries of pleasure into my mouth while his body shook and shuddered beneath me as his orgasm hit him hard. I clutched him to me, wanting the feeling of absolute rightness to last forever.
He rested for a moment as we continued to kiss and whisper lovingly to each other. He seemed to remember then that I had yet to find release and he started moving again, our mouths and tongues sliding and tangling as he gripped me tight, driving himself deep into my body until I was almost screaming as I felt myself build. It washed over me, drowning me in absolute pleasure as I trembled above him. I felt him shaking again too, and I broke our kiss to see the look of passion and surprise on his face as a second orgasm rippled through him.
Despite his obvious fatigue, he held me securely for a few moments until very carefully lowering me down until my feet were back on the ground. He stayed pressed against me though, his hands and lips touching and tasting me as we slowly came back down to earth.
"I didn't think I could do that." He smiled sheepishly. "I mean...I didn't think it was possible to cum again like that. But you look so beautiful when I'm makin' love to ya, and yer whisperin' stuff in my ear that makes me insane."
Smiling softly, I traced a finger over his lower lip. "I love watchin' you lose control like that. I feel humbled knowin' I can do that to you, make you feel that free."
He cupped my cheek and stared down at me, his gaze bright with emotion. "You feel humbled by me?"
I could read the amazement on his face.
"All the time Jamie. That you trust me, that you let yerself be vulnerable with me...that you let yerself love me. Knowin' you, knowin' how hard you work at protecting yerself from the world, how can I not feel humbled when you give me so much of yerself?"
I could see that he was moved by my words as he drew me tight against him, his breath whispering across the top of my head as he spoke. "Yer the best...the best thing that's ever happened to me Leila, and I meant it earlier when I said that yer the only thing I ever really wanted. I thought I was reachin' too high, askin' too much...but here you are lovin' me in ways I never understood were even possible." He pulled back then to look down at me, and I was shocked to see deep sadness on his face. Suddenly I felt uneasy. "I don't deserve you..."
"Jamie, come on, we've been through this—"
"No, you don't understand," he interrupted, his eyes dark. "I need to tell you something and yer gonna be—"
"Yo Hetfield, you out here?!" a voice boomed nearby.
We barely had ourselves presentable when Hugh came sauntering around the corner. He stopped short when he saw us, and immediately his face flushed with embarrassment.
"Shit guys, I'm sorry." His eyes flickered to me. "Sorry Leila. The crowd in there sent me out to find James and bring him back for some more songs. I didn't realize you two were...um."
I took pity on him and jumped to ease his discomfort. "It's ok Hugh, Jamie and I were just talkin'. We can finish up later."
I gave him a wide smile and his face sagged with relief. Glancing at Jamie, I was surprised to see that he still looked troubled as we followed our friend back into the club. Walking up to the bar, James ordered a couple beers and I leaned close to him while we waited on the bartender.
"You wanted to tell me something outside?"
He propped an elbow on the bar as he reached over and tucked some locks of hair behind my ear. His fingers trailed over my cheek as he gazed at me, his eyes still unhappy. "I do, but it can wait till later. I want us to have fun tonight with our friends."
"But everything's ok, right?"
"Yeah, I don't wantcha to worry." The bartender brought our beers then and James touched his to mine. "To you Leila, to the happiness you deserve."
I thought it a slightly strange toast but I took a drink anyway. He kissed me gently then before getting dragged off by Lars to play another set, so I took my beer and went back to go sit with the girls. I was quiet for a little while as I mulled over Jamie's words.
"So have you started packing yet Leila?" Mel's question roused me from my thoughts.
I smiled, glad to have an excuse to not dwell. "A little. I'm tryin' to be smart about what I bring."
"You realize James would be more than happy if you were just naked 24/7," Kelly hooted.
"Yeah that's probably true, even if not very practical." I giggled at that. "Though now that you mention it, I wouldn't mind it if he were naked 24/7 too."
Kelly almost spit out her drink at that visual, and she and Mel and I started laughing. Corinne was curiously quiet, and I looked over to see if she was ok.
She seemed troubled and I stopped laughing immediately. "You ok hon, you look upset?"
"No, I'm just a little confused," Corinne answered slowly. "Why are you packing? Are you going somewhere while the band's touring?"
"Yeah silly, I'm goin' on tour with the guys."
"On the Ozzy tour?"
Something about the way she was looking at me made me anxious.
"Yeah, the Ozzy tour. We're headin' out in a week and I have a ton to get ready before we go. Pack, get the mail forwarded—"
"Ok, so now I'm really confused," Corinne interrupted. "I thought we weren't allowed to go on the tour."
A sliver of unease went up my back. "Whaddya mean we're not allowed?" I was totally thrown by her statement. "I mean, I figured you couldn't take that kind of time away from work, but you'd come join us when—"
"No Lei. I'm not going because I was told I wasn't allowed. No girlfriends, no wives." The worry on her face deepened. "So either Cliff is lying or—"
"Jamie is," I finished, my voice going deadly quiet.
Just then, Fleming, Lar's drum tech, was making a beeline for the bathroom at the back of the club and was passing the table. I motioned for him to come over and he walked up with a smile.
"Can I get you lovely ladies a round of drinks?" he offered gallantly. "Those slacker boyfriends of yours are off being rock stars, so I take it as my duty to be your humble servant in their place."
I tried to smile at his teasing, but I found my nerves were getting in the way.
Taking a breath, I tried to appear casual. "Thanks for offering, but I think we're good." He nodded at that as I continued, "I was curious though, yer girlfriend Sarah, was she upset about the whole 'no girlfriends' policy on the tour?"
His smile faded and he shuffled uncomfortably from foot to foot. "Yeah, she was really pissed." His expression turned pained. "In fact, she broke up with me over it right after we all went to the Bahamas. Said she couldn't handle that much time apart and she felt that breaking up at least meant that she wouldn't have to wonder what I was doing on the road." He looked at me sympathetically. "I imagine you're going through the same thing saying goodbye to James. I know it must be hard for you both."
I looked down then, my eyes filling with tears. "Yeah," I whispered forlornly. "It's pretty fucked up."
"Don't worry Lei." He leaned in closer, squeezing my hand comfortingly. "You've been through this before and you know James won't do anything stupid."
He squeezed my hand one more time and headed off to the bathroom, leaving a quiet table behind.
Kelly was the first to speak up. "Are you ok?"
I shook my head, tears falling onto my lap as I kept my head bowed. "I just found out my boyfriend has been intentionally lying to me, and is about to leave me to tour the world for the next year while I sit at home. I'm not even close to ok."
"I'm...I'm so sorry Leila," Corinne said gently, worry in her voice. "It never occurred to me that you didn't know."
"Why should it? Of course you would have assumed that James was being honest with me...I assumed he was being honest with me. What a fuckin' idiot I am."
"No hon, he's the idiot not you," Kelly insisted.
"I won't argue with you on that," I mumbled. "I think...I think I need to go home now. I need to process this."
"I'll take you," Kelly immediately volunteered.
"Do you want us to tell James anything?" Mel asked me, her eyes dark with sympathy.
"Tell him he's a lying asshole."
"It'll be my pleasure," Mel promised, anger creeping into her voice.
We all hugged each other goodbye and I numbly wound my way out the club, never once glancing towards Jamie on the stage.
~
Kel drove me home and I spent the time trying to wrap my brain around James' colossal lie. We'd decided together that I was going, he'd watched me make plans and start packing; at any point did he ever think to tell me the truth?
"Didn't he think I'd find out?" I finally spoke my thoughts out loud.
"Guys are totally dumb at thinking ahead like that," Kelly said quickly.
"How could he let me go on and on about how much I was looking forward to being on the road together, and with everything that's been going on...I thought this was our chance to get back on track."
The last six months of stress, fear, worry, and hurt finally caught up with me, and I broke down sobbing in the front seat of Kelly's car. She pulled over immediately and wrapped her arms around me. We stayed like that for a long time, until eventually I pulled myself together.
"I thought I was done crying over Jamie," I murmured quietly. "I thought once we were finally together, all of the sad shit was behind me. I don't understand what's happening with us Kel."
"I wish I knew hon. He loves you, anyone with half a brain can see how crazy he is about you. Which is why his behavior lately is so bizarre."
I pulled out of her arms and sat back in my seat, angrily wiping the tears from my face as Kel put the car in gear and carefully pulled back into traffic.
"Yeah"—I let out a big breath and looked out at the passing scenery—"it's confusing as fuck."
Unconsciously, I rubbed a thumb and finger over the heart charm on my necklace. As angry as I was at James, the action brought me the same sense of calm it always did.
Ten minutes later and we arrived at my place. Kelly sweetly offered to come in and keep me company, but I'd already spent too many hours griping to her about my love life, so I sent her home. Letting myself into the dark apartment, it hit be again that I would essentially be living alone in a matter of days. Every day I would open my front door knowing that Jamie wasn't waiting for me, that he wouldn't be sitting in the kitchen and talking while I made dinner, that I wouldn't have his arms around me at night as I drifted off to sleep. Another tear worked its way down my cheek and I wiped at it in frustration as I wandered into the living room and sat down in the recliner angled in the far corner. Not even bothering to turn on the lights, I stared into the dark, trying to come to terms with the lies and the reality of what was about to happen. I hated that he lied, but I hated the idea of being apart even more.
Twenty minutes went by as I sat in the dark apartment, my brain playing what if scenarios. Suddenly, I heard a key in the front lock and the door swung open and then slammed loudly.
"Leila!" Jamie's worried shout rang loud in the quiet. "Leila, are you here?"
I wanted to sink into the shadows and disappear, anything to keep from having the coming conversation.
"I'm here." I answered quietly.
"Baby—"
"Is it true?" I interrupted, just wanting to get the worst over with. "Did you lie about me comin' on tour?"
"Fuck," he swore softly, the word driving straight into my already fragile emotions.
"Well...I guess I have my answer."
I heard him come across the living room, moving carefully in the dark until he was kneeling in front of me. "I'm sorry." He braced his hands on the arms of the chair as he tried to see my face in the dark. "I'm sorry I was too chicken shit to tell you the truth weeks ago."
Reaching over, I turned on the light. His face tightened as I watched him notice the tear streaks on my cheeks.
"When were you gonna tell me? After you'd slipped outta the house and were out on the road?"
His cheeks flushed with shame at my angry words. "I was gonna tell ya earlier when we were outside the club, but I wanted us to have tonight, just one more night before..."
He let the sentence hang. I assumed, since he didn't know what was going to happen next. Neither did I.
"Why...why would you let me believe I was goin' in the first place?"
"I didn't know until after we'd started makin' plans that Ozzy's people have a strict no girlfriend or wives rule while on tour."
"Isn't that convenient?" I stated in disgust. "They can fuck their way around the world without their wives gettin' wind." He didn't say anything and I gave voice to my fears. "So you'll be smack dab in the middle of fuckin' Caligula, and I'm supposed to be the dutiful girl waitin' back at home, is that it?"
"You know I've never been tempted by any of that shit. I do my thing on stage and when I'm done, I get plastered so that I can forget how much I'm missin' you."
The ache in my heart intensified at that admission, but I was still too pissed to soften towards him. "You should have fuckin' told me the truth when you found out, I'm the one person yer not supposed to lie to Jamie!"
"I know, I'm sorry. I just...I was worried you wouldn't want me to go."
"Did you honestly think I'd stand in the way of an opportunity like this?" I was stunned. "What the hell Jamie, how could you think that? Haven't I always supported you and yer music?"
"Yeah but"—he paused, and I saw his fists clench before continuing—"I said I'd never pick music over you."
That statement hung in the air for a moment and I sucked in a sharp breath as I stared at him. "And now you are, is that what yer sayin'? Even if I wanted you to stay, you'd still go?"
He wouldn't look at me and I felt my stomach compress with pain. He wanted to go, despite the real risk to our relationship.
"So you lied to me, not because you didn't want me to be hurt, but because you didn't want to feel guilty about making the choice despite how it hurts me."
"Of course I don't want you to get hurt—"
"Bullshit!" My voice was sharp with anger. "This could have played out so differently, and yet at every turn, you kept making the shittiest choices. You chose to go, even though it means we'll barely see each other over the next year. You chose to go, even though you know it could make things worse between us. Worst of all...you chose to lie to me."
He still wouldn't look at me and I felt like wanted to grab and shake him until I got my old Jamie back.
"You know what the irony is?" I continued angrily. "Had you come and told me all of this from the beginning, I woulda told you to go. I wouldn't have asked you to choose, I woulda told you to go and we'd see each other when we could and we'd write and call...and now..."
He looked up at me then, his face tense and the expression in his eyes unreadable. "And now?" he repeated my words, a muscle ticked in his jaw it was clenched so tight.
"I wish...I wish I knew."
My heart was in freefall, and suddenly I was just exhausted; tired from months of trying to hold on, of keeping us together. Was this tour just a perfectly timed opportunity for him to get away from me? Was I holding on to something that didn't want to be kept?
He was watching me closely, and knowing me as well as he did, he could practically read my mind. "I wanna do this tour Lei, but I hate the idea of bein' away from you. I know you won't believe me, but it's killin' me baby."
We stared at each other in silence, the battle between my head and heart in full swing.
"I'm tired," I finally spoke up. "I can't figure out how I feel about anything right now and it would be stupid of me to try. We can talk in the morning, I'm goin' to bed."
I stood up and edged around where he still knelt in front of me. Standing in the bathroom, I gazed at my reflection in the mirror as if somehow the face looking back at me could offer the answers that I couldn't. With a sigh, I brushed my teeth, washed my face, and made my way into the bedroom. The room was empty so I put on pajamas, turned off the light, and climbed into the bed alone.
Alone.
That word carried an extra solemnity now. He wasn't even gone yet, but already I felt alone.
I was laying on my side looking at the wall when he came in ten minutes later. I heard his clothes hit the floor and then the bed dipped as he slid under the covers. Moments went by before I felt him reach for me, but, for the first time ever, I pretended to be asleep. He didn't push it, and I felt him roll over while I lay there with tears rolling down my cheeks.
~
We didn't talk the next day, in fact, two days went by and we carefully avoided each other. Not that it was difficult since he was spending long hours with the band getting ready for the tour. Kel stopped by to check on me, but I was still in kind of a daze and not good company.
Three days after our fight, I finally got around to unpacking the suitcase I'd intended on taking with me on tour. Of course, I should have known how I would react, but somehow I was still unprepared for the punch to the gut at the tangible reminder of what was not to be. That's how Jamie found me when he came home from rehearsal, on my knees, my face pressed into the clothing and personal items I'd planned to bring with, my tears seeping into a stack of t-shirts. I felt arms wrap around me and pull me comfortingly against him, but for once, his embrace didn't automatically make me feel better. I didn't push him away though.
That night, I had another one of my nightmares, though I hadn't had one in months. Like all of them since the attack, I felt fingers pulling at my clothes, at my hair, at my flesh. I tried to scream, but no sound would come, like an invisible weight was pushing on my chest and throat. Usually, just as I felt like I was going to be raped or killed, the weight would disappear and finding my voice again, I would scream so forcefully I'd wake myself up, still screaming in terror. I had the same dream that night, only this time the weight never lifted and I couldn't scream. I felt my body being violated and hands squeezing my neck, until I felt myself begin to slip away.
I sat up in bed, and at first, I had the sensation of not being able to breathe as I choked and gasped for air. Finally I caught a breath, but it quickly dissolved into quaking sobs.
Jamie was startled awake. "Leila, what's goin' on, what is it?"
I couldn't answer, I was shaking too hard with fear. He must have realized what had happened, and very gently, so as not to scare me further, I felt him lift me onto his lap and press me against his chest, wrapping his arms tight around me.
"I've got you baby," he crooned softly while he rubbed my back. "Nothin's gonna hurt you, I'm gonna make sure of that."
He held me close, talking and stroking me gently as I continued to tremble in his arms, the dream still a vivid memory.
"I...I had a nightmare," I stuttered and I felt him tighten his hold.
"I figured. Was it the same one?"
"Y...yeah." I nodded slightly and unconsciously nestled closer.
He let out a sigh. "I would do anything to take away those memories so you wouldn't have to relive them over and over." I could hear the words catch in his throat.
"This...this time was worse. I always wake up before he gets what he wanted...but...but this time...oh god Jamie...this time he...he finished what he started." I shuddered hard.
"Christ Leila, I'm sorry baby...I'm so sorry." He pulled back so he could look down at me, and suddenly his eyes widened in horror. "It's because of me isn't it, because of what an asshole I've been?"
"No Jamie, I'm sure it's not—"
"No, it makes sense," he interrupted, his jaw tight. "You haven't had that nightmare in months and then it comes back now, only this time it's even more fucked up cuz I'm not there stopping him. I'm not fuckin' there...and he hurts you worse."
"It was just a coincidence." I tried to reason, but even I had to wonder.
"Don't they say dreams are like a...an echo of what we're feelin' for real?"
"Sometimes, but that doesn't mean—"
"Mean what Lei? That yer not scared, that yer not upset about bein' alone, that I'm not fuckin' abandoning you when you need me the most?" I could hear the self-loathing dripping off of every word. "That's exactly what it means. And yer holdin' it all in, trying to pretend like yer not hurting." He cupped my face and stared down at me, tears glistening in his eyes. "Because yer so damn amazing, and even though I fucked everything up, yer still tryin' to let me off the hook."
"I just didn't know how to tell you...I don't want you to stay because I'm scared, I want you to stay cuz you want to stay."
His voice was muffled as he buried his face into my neck. "I don't wanna leave you Leila, I never wanna leave ya."
Despite feeling even more confused by his constantly changing moods and unclear motives, recriminations and guilt were put on the back burner as we held each other tight, just needing to be close while we still had time.
~
The next couple days were a stark contrast to the previous ones. Jamie was still busy with rehearsals and getting ready for the tour, but he spent every other moment with me. Mostly we just talked about everyday things. We cuddled and listened to music. We stayed within arm's reach at all times, and we'd kiss every chance we got, which was often. Neither of us pushed for sex though, as my nightmare was still too fresh in my mind and intuitively he seemed to understand that. As much time as we were together, somehow we were able to tap dance around the serious stuff. I wanted to talk to him, I fucking needed to talk to him, get him to make me understand what was going on in his head. Ever since Germany, one minute I was everything to him and the next, it was like I had to remind him that I was in the room. The room being our relationship. The drinking, the emotional disconnect, the mood swings, the fights, and then suddenly, I had my Jamie back again. Kelly pointed out that what he was doing was bordering on emotional abuse, building me up and then dropping the floor out from under me. I thought her analysis was more than a little over dramatic, though I knew she'd roll her eyes and tell me that women in those situations often made excuses. But I knew Jamie, this wasn't behavior that had always lurked in the background, slipping out from time to time. This was not James, not even close. Aliens taking over his body would have made more sense.
Two days before he was to leave, James was out at the last band rehearsal and I was sitting on the couch with my guitar working on a new song. Rain was falling outside and the apartment felt warm and cozy as I sat there brainstorming. My mind began to wander, as it often did lately, and now that I was a little less emotional and far more able to rationalize, I started thinking about what this time apart meant. It wasn't like we weren't accustomed to being away from each other, in fact, the last three years was a patchwork quilt of time spent together and time apart. True, the timing couldn't be worse, with the rollercoaster of emotions we'd been going through over the last six months, but I'd automatically assumed that being apart was the worst thing for us, but maybe it was the opposite. Maybe I needed the time to focus on my music and continue healing, and Jamie needed the time to sort out whatever the fuck was going on with him. We'd always figured out the hard stuff together, but maybe that wasn't true this time.
The cynic in me was quick to point out that maybe he'd decide that he preferred being away from me. The pain I felt then was so immediate and so deep, I had to push it away straightaway.
"He loves me, I know he does," I whispered out to the quiet room.
I didn't have to convince myself of it, I felt it in every cell of my body. Taking a breath, I tried to not let fear overwhelm my good sense. Besides, there was the very real possibility that whatever was going on with him had nothing to do with me. He'd said as much when we were in the Bahamas, that the pressure from the record company, their management, and even from within the band, was overwhelming. If that was really what was causing him to act out and I was getting the brunt of it—not that that made it ok—at least it was something that made sense. I always understood that Jamie had demons, constantly feeling the pull towards darkness; maybe he was feeling that pull even more these days.
I felt lighter suddenly, the tightness in my chest loosening. The more I thought on it, the more it all made sense. Now all I needed to do was talk to Jamie; he was leaving the day after tomorrow and I needed us to be ok before he left.
Just then, the front door opened and I shifted on the couch to watch as he stepped into the front entry, shaking the rain off his leather jacket and hair. My heart filled with love at the sight of him, and I couldn't stop the wide smile as I watched him. Catching my stare, he stopped short, his lips stretching into a matching grin. Hanging up his jacket and kicking off his shoes, he vaulted himself over the back of the sofa, landing in a mass of long legs and arms next to me. I laughed at his entrance as I laid my guitar on the coffee table. Turning back, I was caught by surprise when his soft lips were suddenly on mine, stealing my breath and giggles. Warmly and gently they moved over mine, and I leaned in closer, laying a hand against his chest as I sighed with happiness.
Finally he pulled back to gaze at me, gently stroking my cheek as he looked me over.
"Are you memorizing my face?" I asked softly.
He nodded slowly. "Yeah, though I don't think I'd ever forget a single inch, I know you as well as I know myself."
"Oh? Maybe...maybe, you could show me which parts are yer favorite."
I put the invitation our there shyly, and I felt his body stiffen in surprise. His eyes quickly turned black with desire and need. "I wanna touch you so bad..." He took a breath and I could tell he was struggling. "Only if yer sure Lei, I don't wantcha doin' anything that yer not ok with, just to make me happy."
"I want you just as bad baby." I swallowed hard, resisting the urge to climb on top of him and show him how much. "But...but first I need to talk to you about something."
His face immediately became guarded and I reached out fingers to smooth the tension from his face. "I'm not interested in fighting Jamie...I just need to clear the air before you leave. I need you to know...that no matter how things have been lately, I know in my heart it will get better, and we'll move forward and get to a good place again."
His eyes widened in surprise at my words and tone, it was clear he was expecting something ominous.
I smiled at him then, letting all the love I felt shine through my eyes and face. "Because here's the thing," I continued as I stroked his face, "we've been each other's everything for as long as I can remember. All the shit we've been goin' through lately, it's all just temporary. You and me Jamie...we're forever." His jaw tightened and I couldn't miss the emotion in his eyes. "So even though we'll be apart and I won't be able to help you when yer feelin' freaked out and you won't be able to hold me when I need you to, we're always connected baby. I know you feel me like I feel you. Remember what I said that time in London? When things are rough and yer feelin' alone and overwhelmed, just imagine my arms around you like I'm doin' right now and know that wherever I am, I'm lovin' you and I've got yer back. That'll never change Jamie, no matter how fuckin' hard you make it sometimes. I know you have yer demons, but I will never let them take you from me. You got that? I will never give up on you."
He pulled me tight against him and I could feel him shaking as we held each other for a long time, the room growing dark as the afternoon gave way to evening.
Finally he loosened his hold a little so that he could look at me, his eyes unreadable in the gloom. "Leila...how can you—" His voice was unsteady with emotion as he started and stopped. "Fuck Leila, yer bein' way too good—"
"Please Jamie, no more blaming," I interrupted as I laid a couple fingers on his lips. "I just wanna spend the next thirty-six hours in yer arms and not think about anything else. I don't wantcha to leave and have all of that other shit be what we're left remembering. I wanna remember you touchin' me, kissin' me and lovin' me."
"Oh god baby, that's all I want too."
His lips were back on mine again, only this time with more insistence. Without preamble, he lifted me up and over him so that I straddled his lap, his lips never leaving mine. He shoved one hand into my hair to hold my head still as he ravaged my mouth over and over with his tongue, while his other hand was left to wander over my body. Winding my arms around his neck, I pressed myself against his chest and let my fingers tangle in his damp hair, memorizing the texture just as I memorized the feel of him underneath me, the smell of him, the sound of his breathing; all of it was being committed to memory for when he was gone.
Soon though I became distracted. His free hand had made its way under my shirt, leaving a trail of scorched skin as it glided along the length of my back, then low around my waist, before finding its way up and under my bra to one completely over-sensitized breast. I gasped into his mouth as his fingers squeezed and kneaded the tender flesh before brushing lightly against my nipple.
"Jamie," I panted against his mouth.
"Help me with yer shirt Lei," he growled low.
I didn't need to be asked twice as I grabbed the hem of my t-shirt and pulled it up and over my head before undoing the front clasp of my bra and letting it slip backwards off my shoulders. I watched with my breath held as Jamie's eyes darkened to midnight blue, a sure sign that he was as turned on as me. No matter how many times over the years that we were intimate, he always had the same look on his face, as if seeing me for the first time and not the thousandth, and as if I was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. Every damn time. And every damn time, it made me feel like the most beautiful and desirable girl in the world.
One large hand slid down to cup my ass and snug me closer to his crotch, while the other pressed against my bare back, forcing one naked breast to his lips. For one agonizing moment he did nothing, the warmth of his breath against my flesh making me shiver. Then he flicked his tongue over the straining nub, my body stiffening immediately at the jolt of electricity from his touch. Liking my reaction, he flicked his tongue again and again, licking and nipping until I was squirming above him, my whimpers of pleasure filling the silent room.
"Jesus baby"—his chest was heaving in and out as he gazed up at me, his hands running over my back and chest—"you make it so hard to take it slow when I hear ya moanin' like that."
Leaning forward, I intentionally grazed one of my nipples along his lips as I slowly slid myself forward and back over the bulge in his jeans. "What am I makin' hard?" I asked slyly.
Letting out a throaty laugh, suddenly he grabbed me by the ass and stood up, my legs and arms immediately wrapping around him to keep from falling. Caressing my backside as he held me tight, he walked us back to our bedroom as I peppered his neck and face with kisses. Laying me down gently on our bed, he nestled himself between my legs as we continued kissing. Stopping briefly to pull his shirt off, his bare chest pressed down against mine, making my body even more overheated than before. Soon he was kissing and touching me everywhere, his hands and lips crisscrossing over me as if he too were committing my body to memory. Working his way down, his lips brushed over my belly, coming to a stop at to the top of my jeans. Sitting up, he undid the zipper and then slowly slid them down my legs before tossing them on the floor. Next came my panties and then he was back to exploring my body, licking and lathing his tongue back over my stomach until he was firmly planted at the junction of my legs, my back arching off the bed as his tongue worked unhurriedly over my clit. Digging my hands into his hair, I couldn't stop from raising my hips against his mouth, my body completely at his mercy. I felt an orgasm rising quickly, and Jamie must have sensed it as his movement became more feverish. Then I was quivering beneath him, shouting his name in ecstasy as he kept his grip on me.
Many minutes passed while I reveled in the sensations drifting through my body.
"So fuckin' beautiful."
Jamie's hoarse voice came from above me. Looking up, still in a daze, I realized I hadn't notice him remove the rest of his clothing and reposition himself back on top of me. Reaching up, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his mouth to mine, kissing him with all the love and passion I felt. He kissed me back just as fervently as he slowly pressed himself into me, filling me completely as I tightened my hold on him and deepened the kiss. We stayed like that for a long time, kissing and caressing while he remained sheathed inside my body. Then, when I could tell he couldn't hold still a moment longer, he shifted his hips back and then forward, sending pulsing pleasure through every nerve ending in my body.
"Oh god Jamie," I whimpered against his lips. "Don't stop."
Instead of answering, he began to slowly increase his pace, his thrusts becoming deeper, much to my pleasure and his. Wrapping my legs around his waist, I tilted my hips to give him better access, and we both groaned in unison at the deeper sensation. Moving the focus of his mouth lower to my breasts, he licked and suckled the sensitive flesh while increasing the speed of his hips. We were both moaning loudly as he pushed us both towards satisfaction, the moment of orgasm hitting me so forcefully, I screamed shamelessly. Moments later, Jamie was gripping me tight as he found his own release, my name falling repeatedly from his lips as he rode out his pleasure to its shuddering conclusion.
We didn't move apart for a long time as we continued caressing each other, our breathing eventually slowing back to normal. Jamie was quiet and I looked up at where he still hovered over me to find him gazing at me intently. Even though I'd just spent the last hour as intimate as any two people could be, I still found myself blushing under his stare.
His lips twisted into the crooked smile that made me melt every time as he gently cupped my face, his thumb rubbing gently over my cheek. "I love you Leila. You've made me happier"—he paused while the smile on his face darkened for a moment—"happier than I ever thought was possible for someone like me. You've been the one person I knew I could always count on to be there for me, to be honest with me, to love me. I can't even begin to tell you what that's meant. I don't wanna leave you, but I'm gonna be thinkin' about you all the time and"—he paused for a moment as something like pain flashed in his eyes—"and wherever I am, I'm always gonna be wishin' I was with you."
I kissed him softly, my eyes misting with tears. "I'm gonna miss you like crazy too." I tried to smile reassuringly. "But we'll see each other as much as we can, and we'll be so busy, it'll go by fast and then you'll be home and we'll be together again."
He smiled, but I could see sadness lurking in his eyes. Rolling on his side, he pulled me with him so that I was lying next to him, his arms wrapped tight around me while our legs were intertwined. We laid like that for hours, talking quietly about anything other than his impending departure.
Over the next thirty-six hours, we never left our bed other than for food and bathroom breaks. We talked and laughed and made love over and over. By the time a car came to pick James up to take him to the airport, we were showered, dressed, and he was packed, but neither of us was any closer to being ok with his leaving. My heart was heavy, though I was trying my best not to show him. Standing on the front porch, the driver had already collected the bags and stowed them in the trunk, now there was nothing left to do but say goodbye.
I couldn't bring myself to look at him for fear he'd see how hard this was, but suddenly he was cupping my face and forcing my eyes to his; it was clear he was just as miserable. "I don't know how to let you go." His eyes were bleak and it broke my heart.
"I don't either," I murmured, a tear working its way down my face.
He leaned his forehead against mine and his words whispered over my face when he spoke. "Promise me Leila that you'll keep yerself safe, you won't take stupid risks or put yerself in situations you can't get out of."
"Jamie—"
"I worry about you all the time," he interrupted, his voice strained, "and I need to know that when...when I'm gone...that I know you'll be ok no matter what. I need you to be ok Leila." I could hear the words get caught in his throat. "I've always protected you the best I knew how...cuz yer happiness and safety mean more to me than anything. No matter where I am or where you are, that'll always be true. Always."
I couldn't take it anymore and I threw my arms around his neck and gave into tears. He held me close, rubbing my back in the way he always did to comfort me.
A few minutes went by before I reluctantly pulled back just enough to look up at him. "Come back to me," I whispered, tears catching in my throat. "Heart, body and soul...come back to me."
Pain slashed across his face, stark and foreboding. Before I could ask him what it meant, he was drawing me closer, his lips working over mine almost desperately before gentling. Then he was pulling away from me and heading down the steps.
"Jamie!" He stopped immediately and looked back. "I love you."
There was so much more I wanted to say but there wasn't time, and really, I'd just said the most important thing he needed to know.
"I love you Leila." His lips twisted into a smile, but he was too far away to read his eyes.
He stared at me for a moment more and then turned to get into the car. The windows were tinted dark, but I knew he could see me waving as it pulled away from the curb. And then he was gone.
I couldn't bring myself to go back into the empty apartment, so I sat on the steps and stared up at the sky as the sun tried to break through the clouds. I tried to shake off the feeling of dread that kept creeping around the edges of my rational mind. I knew I was probably reading too much into things and certainly I was highly emotional lately, but everything about the tone in his voice, the look in his eyes and his choice of words, somehow felt so...so final.
"Of course he's coming back," I scolded myself out loud. "This is his home, I'm his home...he'll be back and everything will work out."
I backed those words up with all the faith and all the love I had for James. To think anything different...well, that just seemed too improbable to consider.