"Keep your mouth busy, not your mind." - A.W
After Ian left, Mason picked me up from my lonely, empty apartment and drove me to Kaila's. I was barely in any condition to drive considering I was on the verge of a mental breakdown that could occur at any given second. I spent the day at Kaila's with her and Mason, where we all comforted each other pretty much all day.
It was a hasty decision the morning before Christmas Eve when Anthony came over in the morning to check up on me that I decided I wanted to go home for Christmas Eve and Christmas.
Normally, Anthony and I stop by Christmas Day in the morning and leave by midday. Holidays with my parents aren't the most fun because it's been over twenty years and they still argue constantly. I usually just prefer spending Christmas with Kaila at Westchester, sipping on some martinis on the beach.
However, this year I wanted nothing more than a hug from my mom and dad.
Anthony agreed that going to see our parents for the holiday could be nice, so we packed our bags and drove from Miami to Fort Lauderdale, where my parents moved to after graduation.
They thought that moving would solve their issues.
I swear, they tried everything under the sun to solve marriage problems besides divorce, the only option that is bound to work at this point.
"Shut it, Sean, they're here!" I heard my mom yell at my dad from the other side of the door to their small home that was the perfect size for a married couple with fully grown children. She's already yelling at him and we haven't even made it in the door yet, so this should be an interesting holiday.
At least my missing Ian issue won't be the only thing on my mind.
The door swung open, revealing my beautiful mother who looks great for her age. She's in her late 40's by now, but could pass for mid-thirties if she tried. While still handsome, time has not been as kind on my dad. His looks caved under the stress, creating wrinkles and loss of hair. He's not balding, yet, but his hair has definitely thinned out immensely over the years.
The stress of being married to each other can't be any help either.
"Hey, mom," I said softly.
I, personally, did not tell them about Ian leaving. Anthony did last night when we decided to come visit.
She enveloped me in a momma bear hug that I didn't know I needed until I was experiencing it.
After probably 3 seconds of being hugged by my mom, I started crying. Within two seconds of hearing my sobs, both my dad and my brother joined our hug. For the first time since I was probably five years old, my family was sharing a group hug.
My mom pulled away and held me at arms length. She smiled at me as she wiped away my tears and held my face.
"It'll be alright, honey." Although I know there is no way she knows that, her heart is in the right place. I appreciate that, even though my parents are rather absent in my life, I can count on them to be here for me when I need them.
"I'm just going to go wash my face and put my stuff in the guest room." I hate how red and blotchy my face gets after I cry.
As I was exiting the room to go down the hall to the guest room, I heard Anthony say to our parents, "I need you guys to pretend to be stable parents. Just while she is here. She can't watch her parents struggle when she is going through enough shit of her own."
"We don't—" my mom began when my dad cut her off.
"We will." Wow, my dad not arguing that their marriage has problems that are as clear as day? That's a first.
I sat on the twin bed in the guest room, staring at my phone silently pleading it to ring and for it to be Ian. I never know when he may call and I don't want to miss it if he does. He doesn't get a lot of opportunities to use the phone.
"Hey, Josie," my dad said as he allowed himself into the room through my already opened door. "How've you been?"
I just shrugged, still staring at my phone.
"I mean since I'd last seen you." Anthony, Ian, and I came over for thanksgiving dinner, but it wasn't that enjoyable. I was not feeling very thankful that day. "How is school and everything?"
"It's good," I told him, not really getting into detail. It's the same as it's always been, and I haven't gone back yet since Ian left, but I don't think it'll play a factor in my studies. I'm usually pretty good at separating my emotional, personal life and my school life.
"How is Mr. Westchester?"
I bet they'd know if they came to visit Anthony and I every once and a while. The only time we ever see our parents is if we come all the way to Fort Lauderdale.
I sighed out loud at my own bitter thoughts. I'm channeling all of my anger and sadness regarding missing Ian into my parents who are just trying to help me.
"He's good, too," I said softly. "I'm sorry, dad."
His eyebrows furrowed and he took a seat next to me on my bed. "For what, honey?"
"For always being so cold toward you and mom." Especially right now, they don't deserve it.
"You don't need to apologize. Not only is it justified, but we also understand what you have been going through." I closed the space between my dad and I and hugged him tightly, like I was five years old again — blind to the whole world and all of the problems surrounding me.
~•~
One could probably assume that I was not excited for Christmas at all. I didn't even plan to wake up in all honesty. I asked my family to leave me be and I turned off my alarm clock. If I couldn't spend this Christmas with Ian in reality, at least I could see him in my dreams.
All I wanted to do was sleep for as long as I possibly could, but the persistent ringer to my phone ruined that at 6:04am. I rolled over, completely annoyed to have been woken up by a stupid phone call, ready to decline the call.
Just as I was about to silence the phone call coming from an unidentified number, I realized that it could be Ian. So I answered.
"Hello?" I said in my raspy morning voice. Please, let it be Ian.
"Good morning, Josie Elle, you sound tired."
Tears hydrated my dry eyes, clouding my vision. "Ian," I said softly. It's barely been a couple days, yet I missed his voice so much. "How are you?"
"I'm alright, just taking turns with the phones with some of the guys right now," He replied. "How are you?" His voice turned serious, wanting to know how I've been handling his absence.
"I'm at my parents with Anthony for the holiday. It's been okay. They seem to be masking their problems for my sake." Which I'm honestly beyond grateful for. I didn't leave my unstable life back in Miami to come home and witness my parents unstable life in Fort Lauderdale.
"Good," he said softly. I wish he could be here holding my hand reassuringly, like he always does. "We only get so long with the phones, so I should go and call my parents now. But listen to me, Jos, I will be home again, okay? Don't stop living your life just because I'm not physically there." He always has been and always will be here in my heart, that was made clear when he initially came home. He proved to me, even though he was away at war, he had been here all along in all of the aspects that mattered most.
"I miss you."
"I miss you, too. I love you, baby."
"I love you, too."
We exchanged goodbyes, and just like that, he seemed to be an uncountable number of miles away all over again.
His absence put a heavy weight on my heart, aching for him to be by my side on Christmas this year, but the weight wasn't heavy enough to keep me from dragging myself out of bed.
Ian is right, I can't stop living my life while he is away. Life is moving forward, and I have to as well.
My parents and Anthony were sitting around the dining room table with pancakes and bacon in front of them, conversing quietly. They heard the floor creek and looked up, seemingly shocked to see me awake and out of bed.
"Merry Christmas," I said, forcing a smile on my face. A forced smile is something, have to start from somewhere. I'll just fake it until I make it.
My face was definitely still stained from tears, but no one questioned that or my reasoning for being awake.
I made my breakfast plate and sat down at the square table, between my mom and Anthony.
"Ian called," I finally told them. "He's doing alright. He had to go to call his parents though."
My mom reached out and put her hand over mine that was resting on the tabletop. She offered me a small smile. "I'm glad, honey."
"Me too," but that's obviously a given. "I think I'm going to go home on New Years Eve."
Life is moving forward, and I need to as well.
That's what I keep telling myself.
That, and that Ian will be home soon and I just have to keep myself occupied until he is.
Filling my own conscience with empty promises.
For the first time in the past couple of days, I forced Ian out of my mind and occupied my thoughts involving conversation with my family. We were able to have genuine conversations about everything under the sun, with no arguing over stupid differing opinions or bad attitudes. It actually felt like, for the first time since I was little, I had a normal family consisting of parents who loved each other, were involved in their kids lives, and presented effort.
•••
Happy Friday!
I had a very weird week, very boring and uneventful to be honest! However I have a fun next 4 weekends ahead of me so that's exciting!!!! This weekend, I have my last first HS scrimmages for soccer, then a team bonding sleepover! Next weekend, I have student council states that I leave for next Saturday!! The weekend after I will just be happy because it'll be spring break! Then the weekend after, I'll be in Florida!!! Yay!
What are you guys looking forward to in the next couple of weeks?
How are we all feeling about Ian's absence? Everyone has been asking Josie, but no one is asking you guys! Do we miss him or what?
Don't forget to...
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- Emily
B.E. Better Everyday