"I don't understand why you would want to go with your father and watch a man die or why would disappear and not be present in your lessons as you are required to be!"
There was one thing that Lilia despised more than Septa Mordane's lessons on good customs and that was her mother's scolding for not attending such lessons while trying to teach them herself as if she would learn from a hypocrite.
The worst part of the issue was that it was not just her mother but also Sansa, who was having her hair brushed by their mother.
News of the King's progress to Winterfell reached them that day as well as the news of the Hand's death, her uncle. With that news, preparations were being made to receive the King's court and his family – Queen and children alike.
Sansa had decided to adjust the gown that Lilia had sewn her to wear at the King's welcome. She was surprised to see that not many adjustments had been made, other than the waist. It was light blue, which complemented those Tully blue eyes that her sister had inherited from their mother and that Lilia had spent her life so desperately wanting.
She had spent many years feeling conscious about her looks. It wasn't easy for her growing up in a home filled with strikingly beautiful women such as her mother and sister, and boys so handsome as her brothers – all with their red hair and blue eyes, rosy cheeks and high cheekbones.
She'd felt ugly for most of her life – straight dark brown hair, boring brown eyes and an oval face that was longer than what she deemed appropriate. Not only that but she was slim and flat-chested, which didn't compensate to the dull face that she had.
Jon and Arya were the only ones that shared those features with her. She couldn't say that Jon was an ugly boy but the girls always seemed to fawn over Robb, not him. Arya was another story... she wasn't very beautiful and girls mocked her, calling her Arya Horseface. Lilia had gotten none of that treatment, nor would she allow them to say such things. She was always told that she was a northern beauty but that had served her as well as a myrish lace gown would face the cold of the North.
As the years went by, she eventually set that aside but there were days such as that one that she still envied her sister's and mother's beauty. More than she'd wanted and never without letting them know.
She had decided to embrace her northern beauty and chose a white dress and a crown of winter roses that were generally used by queens of love and beauty at tournaments. Her mother wasn't very keen on the idea since the Queen might find it disrespectful. In Lilia's eyes, the North was her home and Cersei Lannister was merely a guest; if anything, the North should consider Cersei Lannister's presence as a lack of respect and not what her mother said.
"I also don't understand why you insist on mistreating Jon and still you have been doing it ever since you met him" she replied surprising both the Lady of Winterfell and Jonquil. Her mother stopped what she was dying and for a moment, Lilia felt a shiver down her spine but it was too late to back down now. She looked at her sister and went through with what she thought was right. "Both of you" she reinforced.
"Lilia!" her mother reprehended her with great disapproval that Lilia deemed as misplaced and a demonstration of the woman's hypocrisy. She didn't care what her mother thought of her words, knowing they should have been said a long time ago. The right thing to do was to confront her mother about it, make her feel guilty for it and perhaps she'd redeem herself or at least, show some wish to change.
There had always been something in the middle of her relationship with her mother, some sort of Valyrian sword if you'd like to call it, and that sword was Jon Snow. Not Jon Snow exactly, it was unfair to put that weight on her brother's shoulders as many, many things stood between her and her mother but her treatment of him was one of the most prominent ones, if not the most prominent.
Lilia had always been quiet about it, even though she would ask too many questions about it as a child. However, as time went by she started to understand her mother's reasons. She didn't approve of them at all and she condemned them greatly but she could understand. "Sansa, give me a moment with your sister, please"
Her sister did as she was told and quietly removed herself from the room, seemingly relieved to be asked to leave. Then again, so would Lilia if she could flee the conflict ahead.
"What now, mother? I get that you always felt ashamed by his existence, I remember hearing you trying to convince father to send him away... and don't you dare pretend that I'm imagining things! I get that and I understand why his presence always upset you so!" she told her, not shying away from her feelings. Her mother was angrier than Lilia had ever seen her before, her blue eyes turned darker and her jaw clenching in rage.
"No, you don't! You've never been through it! You don't know what you are talking about and you don't understand it either because if you did, then we wouldn't be having this conversation at the moment!" the woman argued. Lilia didn't like being told that she couldn't understand things just because she hadn't gone through them and she found it laughable how her mother's argument was so fickle that it could flow away with one blow... and Lilia was irritated enough to be the one to give that blow.
"Don't blame me! I'm not responsible for your sins! We are currently having this conversation because YOU couldn't love a motherless child or at least respect him! Jon never asked to be born, he is the one who is not to blame for all of this, he is the victim of all of you! I can understand that you felt betrayed because father slept with another woman and came back with her child! I understand that it would be hard for you to live with a boy who constantly remembered you of your husband's betrayal, but he isn't guilty of his parents' mistakes and nor am I!"
She was out of breath and her heart pounded at a rate she didn't know possible. She still had a lot to say but as she was about to continue, her mother did something she never thought the woman would ever be capable of doing – she slapped her. Lilia's hand touched her face which was still burning from the impact. The slap had been filled with the rage and the hurt that it had been motivated by but not with the guilt and disbelief that her mother carried in her features afterwards.
Lilia knew she had pressed a nerve but it didn't change how appalled she felt by what had happened but at the same time, nor the rage that burned in her heart for her mother's behaviour. It disgusted her how she would be such a hypocrite to the point that she couldn't bear to be confronted with her sins. So, she walked closer to her mother with her eyes wide opened, making sure to meet the regretful blue ones that belonged to the woman who had birthed her and as harshly as the winds of winter, she finished her speech with the words that were missing. "I hope that you know that if some sort of tragedy hits this family, it will be the Gods' doing and punishment for your sins"
With that, she left her chambers and shut the door, making the sound echo through the long hallway. She was so angry that she barely noticed Arya, Sansa and Rickon at the door, the latter scared and unable to say a word.
She raced through the hallways and she didn't look back. She knew what she needed and she knew where to go – the Godswood of Winterfell. She walked all the way there and then she sat by the three, allowing her thoughts to fall back in place. She thought about all the things that she said to her mother, every single word spoken by her. Had she truly been right or had she been too hard on her mother? She regretted the last thing she said and she regretted the way she had said things. She didn't regret confronting her mother though. She felt like she should have confronted her a long time ago.
Then, almost as though the Old Gods had guided her, it occurred to her that dwelling on the past would not do her any good. It didn't matter the way she felt towards the argument with her mother because she would never be able to change it or erase it from both their minds.
"Can I take a seat?" she looked up to find her father.
She'd been distracted, too distracted to notice someone coming towards her. She wondered if her mother had said anything to him. If she had, then surely he would tell her but he seemed to be on a calm and at peace and he would not be that way if she had told him had happened. She nodded and he sat next to her. "Your mother told me what happened"
"Of course she did but just so you know I'm sure I did the right thing!" she was quick to say which only made him giggle laugh through his nose. "What are you laughing at?" she asked in confusion.
"All of Westeros says that Lilia Stark is her aunt's spirit revived. They say you resemble her physically but that's not all," he began, not able to look her in the eyes but rather to the lake in front of them. She tried to find what he was looking at, she wondered if the lake had anything different but it didn't seem so. If anything, it had things she could not see – memories of a past lost to them.
He barely talked about his sister, Lyanna. It was like her death had something mysterious about it but at the same time, Lilia felt that Lyanna's death was like a wound in her father's heart that had never healed. She could see right through him at that moment, she could see that talking about her was like pressing that wound and that it brought him great pain. "Ever since you were a baby I could see so much of her in you. And as you grew up, I would watch you play with your brothers and I would see us. Me, Lyanna and your uncle Benjen. It was like I was seeing it all in the third person. Now, as your mother told me what you said, I can't help but picture her because I know she would have said the same"
"And is that a good or a bad thing?" she asked. For the first time during the talk, Ned looked at her and smiled. She studied his expression, awaiting an answer.
"It depends. Your mother didn't like it too much" they both giggled lightly. "Perhaps that is what you should have done for a long time, perhaps you were too hard on her. I'm not going to judge you, if the Gods condemn your actions, they will let you know. Now, I have something for you"
"What is it?" she asked curiously and he laughed at her reaction. Suddenly, out of nowhere, came a shy direwolf, a beautiful one for the matter. "A direwolf? I thought there were no direwolves South of the Wall... where did you get it?"
Her father smiled as she petted the little thing that seemed to warm up to her by the second. "During our way back. Each one of your siblings has one, including Jon" she smiled at the mentioning of Jon and looked at her direwolf. Most of the people would think it was crazy to adopt a direwolf as a pup, but not the Starks. After all, a direwolf was their symbol, the symbol of their House. "What are you going to name her?"
"I don't know... it has to be an appropriate name for a wolf of the North," she said as she caressed the wolf's head. As she looked to her side, she noticed a beautiful flower that happened to be of her favourite kind. "Winter Rose, I find it appropriate" she announced, picking the flower and putting it behind her ear.
"It is" he agreed. As she looked at his eyes, she found them glassy as though he was fighting back his tears. Through his brown eyes, she saw only nostalgia of those times that would not come back. She wondered if that was what it meant to be a woman. Would she drown in her memories? Would she lose herself in a trance of which she would not be able to come back from?
Lilia found herself in a trance too as the words of her father and his nostalgic smile taunted her.
She felt guilty but she couldn't explain why. Why would she feel guilty if she felt like what she did was right? Perhaps the way to say it wasn't the best but she had not found it in herself to it differently.
Her father always told her that if she felt guilty for something, then she should apologize and maybe that was what she would do after thinking things over.
One thing that I love and always will is how protective over her siblings Lilia is and how loyal she is to herself and to her beliefs. I also find her relationship with Ned so adorable and it's definitely something I miss.
Without a doubt, the Lilia that I've been writing as of late is not this girl and it's very sad to see that and also the reasons why she turns into such a different person.
In any case, I hope you have enjoyed this chapter, in which Lilia kicks Catelyn's ass and speaks the facts that should have been spoken a long, long time ago.
Also, I changed the last scene since the King only arrives after a month and I didn't know that at the the time I wrote this (I really have come a long, long way since then).
See you next time!
XOXO,
-BW