Warning: This chapter contains the description of an assault that may be upsetting.
1985
The band's new label, Elektra Records, re-released Ride the Lightning, and put their muscle behind a promotional campaign. As such, the boys toured a ton. The rest of '84 saw them home for a few months and then off to Europe to tour around the holidays. The new year had them touring the States again, only this time the venues were bigger, there were far more towns, and Metallica was co-headlining. I joined when I could, but I was in my last semester of college and the papers and senior projects were relentless. Months went by without seeing each other, and I hated how much uneasiness about our future was eating away at me. Jamie and I had sworn to tell each other everything, but somehow I couldn't bring myself to burden him with my fears. The road was tough enough, he didn't need my worry added to the mix.
Finally though, in mid-March, after a final string of shows up and down the West Coast, the boys were able to take a break from touring and Jamie came home. He was exhausted and stretched thin, but it was heavenly to have him with me again. He let me dote over him those first few weeks back, enjoying the attention and caretaking that he missed while he was on the road. I'd catch him watching me, his eyes unreadable, before his lips spread wide into his signature smile. Then of course I'd have to kiss him, and that always led to other things. Always.
The timing worked out having him home, because soon I was in the last weeks of school and now I was the one completely stressed and in need of someone looking out for me. James took his role very seriously. He kept the apartment quiet, and was even known to yell at people passing outside on the sidewalk that were talking loudly. He was terrible in the kitchen, but he could heat up soup, make a PB&J, and he was a genius at picking up take-out. He'd give me sweet pep talks when I was feeling overwhelmed, massage my shoulders when I was hutched over in my desk chair studying, and every night, he'd blow my mind and body with soul searing orgasms. When graduation day arrived and I walked across the stage to receive my Bachelor of Arts degree in music, and Jamie's distinctive voice boomed out my name, I almost lost it right there and then. Everything in my life had been leading to this point, and his love and support was one of the main reasons I had succeeded.
Now that I was done with school, I looked at the future as a wide open canvas waiting to be filled with wonderful experiences and opportunities. I wasn't in a hurry to figure out my career path just yet, and James' schedule was pretty open for a few months before he went back into the studio to record the band's third album; so we just hung out like a regular couple. We went to the movies, dinners out, and to hear live music. We traveled a little even, heading to L.A. to spend a week with friends and family, and then a week and a half in Northern Italy.
Italy had been my idea since Jamie had said I could pick any location to travel to as my graduation gift. From the movies and pictures, Italy seemed incredibly romantic, and I loved the idea of strolling hand in hand with James through the quaint villages and lounging on the beaches. He was skeptical at first, but once he realized how fast he could drive in the little sports car we'd rented, and once he saw me in my super skimpy string bikini, I never heard a single complaint. We both ended up having a fantastic time. I'd been right about the romance factor; the Italians embraced the idea of love like no other country, and we were in our element since we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I intentionally wore the sexiest and most revealing clothing I owned to make him crazy with desire, though it turned out to be very fortuitous that James had finally topped out his height at 6'1' and had packed on even more muscle over the last year, because he spent a lot of time literally keeping the Italian men off my ass; it was worth though in how he looked at me and how he touched me.
When we came back, the guys immediately went into rehearsals to prepare for a couple big shows they had coming up at the end of the summer, and also the album they were going to start recording over in Copenhagen in September. The first big gig was a festival in England, and we flew over early to spend a few days in London, revisiting some of our favorite places from our previous trip. Back at home, Metallica played a show in San Francisco that seemed to include every fan of the band within a thousand square miles. The show was so popular, that Corinne, Kelly, and I almost didn't make it in, even though we were on the guest list.
The day before we left for Europe to record their third album, they performed at the Day on the Green concert at the Oakland Coliseum, and the crowd went nuts for their hometown boys. It was pretty gratifying for James and the rest of them to see how far they'd come in a relatively short time, even though fame hadn't gone to their heads. Partying with the East Bay crew later that night, somebody in the group shouted out, "We can say we knew you guys when." Then Cliff dumped a beer on him and we all laughed, and it was easy to forget that they'd just performed in front of tens of thousands of fans.
Two days later we landed in Copenhagen, blurry-eyed, but the boys were amped about starting the new album. Elektra had rented out apartments for the guys this time, and Jamie and I shared a two bedroom flat with Lars for the duration of the recording. Fortunately, the bedrooms were on opposite ends of the apartment, which was good since Lars had a stream of girls in and out of the place and James and I were as hot for each other as ever.
We'd barely gotten settled, when we had to head to Germany so the band could perform at the Metal Hammer Festival. Even though they hated having to interrupt their recording sessions, especially as they'd only just started, they were already committed, and so we traveled by train in mid-September. We arrived in the evening and everyone was too tired to go out. I was fine with heading to our room as the need to make love had been building steadily over the day. Trapped on the train with no private place to release some of the tension, we'd spent the day getting more and more wound up, to the point where I could barely let him touch me for fear I would snap. When I finally closed and locked the door to our room, Jamie was at my back immediately, pushing me up against the door as his lips attacked my neck. Pausing to divest me of my shirt and bra, he was back to licking and nipping at my skin, his hands sliding around to fondle and caress my breasts. I was panting and moaning already as my head lolled back to rest on his shoulder.
"Jesus Leila, I can't go that long sittin' next to you and not bein' able to touch ya. I was goin' out of my fuckin' mind." His breath was hot against my neck as his fingers toyed with my over sensitized nipples.
Stretching my arms up, I slipped my hands into his hair, as I pushed my breasts against his hands and tilted my head to give him better access. I was quickly losing myself to the all-consuming pleasure of his touch as I felt him slide one hand over my belly and down to my jeans, where he made short work of the buttons there before sliding his hand down into the moist heat between my legs.
'F...fuck Jamie," I stammered as I trembled under his touch.
He was breathing heavy against my ear as he continued to stroke and rub me, the sound turning me on as much as his hands caressing me. I was whimpering now as his fingers moved faster against my clit while his other hand flicked ruthlessly over my nipples, until I felt like there was an electrical current running between the two erogenous zones.
I was spiking hotter and hotter as he whispered suggestively into my ear. "Are you gonna cum for me baby? Let go Lei, I'll catch you."
I felt it building then, and before I could utter a word, I was shattering into a million points of light and energy as he held me tight, his hands still working over me as he stretched out ever last bit of pleasure. Collapsing back against him, he literally caught me and then swung me up in his arms to carry me over to the bed, lowering me down with infinite care.
"How did I get so lucky?" I asked as I smiled up at him.
Jamie got very quiet as he hovered me, his gaze darkly intense as he touched my face tenderly. "I ask myself the same question every day."
Maybe I should have paid more attention to the emotions in his eyes, wondered at the sadness that lurked there, but I was too consumed with being with him, too certain that fate intended for us to live a lifetime of happiness together. Fate's a fickle bitch as it turns out.
~
The next day, it was early afternoon before we actually left the room and made our way to the lobby to catch our ride to the show. Since the forecast called for heat, I wore a delicate sundress and sandals, and piled my hair up in a messy bun to stay cool. Jamie was looking at me sideways in the van on the ride over.
"What? You keep lookin' at me."
He looked down shyly for a moment before giving me the crooked smile I loved so much. "You look extra beautiful today."
Now it was my turn to look down, my cheeks flushing at the compliment. We smiled at each other as Jamie lifted the back of my hand to his lips.
"Jesus you two!" It was obvious that Lars was tired and grumpy as he pinned us with a blurry glare from the back row of the van. "When is this fuckin' honeymoon period gonna end? You guys have been together for what...three years? Ain'tcha tired of each other yet?"
James looked at me and smiled wide. "Nope, not even a little."
"Don't listen to Lars." Cliff turned around from his seat in front to look at us. "He's just jealous that he can't keep a girl around long enough to suck his dick more than once."
Lars flipped him off, but Cliff just smiled innocently as the rest of us laughed.
Just then, we pulled into the rear entrance of the venue grounds, passing a security check point before coming to stop near a large grouping of temporary trailers and buses. A festival rep was there to greet the guys and act as their host for the day; his most important job being to make sure that the guys made it on time for their slot in the festival. Since they were the co-headliners with Venom, they still had hours before they went on, so we were led to a large trailer that was to be Metallica's dressing room for the day. After dropping off our stuff there, we all headed back out to find food, and then the boys were slated to do some press and photos. I'd brought my camera along and took advantage of the photo shoot to blend in with the photographers and take some of my own shots. The boys thought it was hysterical to flip me off, and the photographers were more than happy to capture the moment. At one point, Cliff grabbed the camera out of my hands and took a couple of Jamie and me. We started off being goofy of course, but pretty soon we were just gazing at each other like idiots. When I had the film developed at a later date, those photos turned out to be some of my most favorite ever of the two of us.
Finally, after sunset, we were rounded up and brought over to the backstage for the band's performance. The guys did their usual warm-up, group huddle, downing of many beers, and then the Ecstasy of Gold was spilling out over the P.A., and the crowd was going wild knowing who was next. I smiled wide at the sound and caught Jamie's gaze as he came over so I could wish him good luck. He kissed me gently this time, and it felt very much in contrast to the chaos around us.
"Is this all a dream Lei?"
I could see the earnestness on his face when he asked. It broke my heart that he was still so afraid of being happy.
"No baby, it's everything you ever wanted and worked for. You deserve it."
He smiled before kissing me one more time, and, taking the guitar that was handed to him, walked out to an adoring crowd.
My melancholy quickly disappeared as I got caught up in the excitement of the performance as I stood just on the edge of the stage. You'd think I'd be bored after so many of their shows, but I never was, as each one was unique. Sometimes someone in the band would do something they'd never done before, or the energy of the crowd would be different, or Jamie would say something unexpected; whatever it was, I still got a rush and I didn't think that would ever change. Plus, I felt inspired when I saw them performing, it made me want to work hard to have my own career as a musician.
The set ended with a brutally fast version of Whiplash, and Jamie was out of breath and sweaty when he came off the stage. I hopped up onto an equipment case and pretended that I wasn't trembling with the need for him to come touch me. Lars was right, it was ridiculous how totally crazy we still were about each other. Watching him now as he grabbed a beer and took a long swallow, I could feel the blood pumping in my veins and my heart pounding in my ears as I noted the beads of perspiration running down his neck, the way his Adam's apple moved as he swallowed, the way the muscles in his arm flexed as he lowered the can, and the way his eyes caught and held mine, knowing he was needing me just as badly as I needed him. He had the gall to smirk at me, and my eyes narrowed at his sass. Like he wasn't just at turned on as I was. Slowly, he walked over until he was standing between my legs, and I took notice of his completely worn and thrashed jeans.
"These pants are gettin' tight."
He looked down at himself sheepishly. "I know, right? I'm afraid they're gonna fuckin' split open on stage one night."
Somehow he'd missed my double meaning, I guess I had to be less subtle. "I wasn't complaining."
Reaching around, I grabbed his ass and pulled him hard against me. He looked down at me with fire in his eyes before sinking fingers into my hair and holding me still as he kissed me hungrily.
"I don't need to do an encore," he whispered roughly against my lips.
"Twenty thousand Germans may disagree," I whispered back, running my tongue over his lower lip.
He moaned into my mouth as he covered my lips again. Finally pulling back, his breath came in heavy pants as he stared at me. Fingering the bottom of his shirt, I helped pull it up and over his head, revealing his chest to my gaze. I loved Jamie's torso and arms, especially when they were covered in sweat like they were now. I looked him up and down, and even though there were people all around, I didn't give a shit as I ran fingers from his abs, up his chest, and then out over his shoulders. Noticing that his breathing was getting more labored, I knew I needed to stop before he was too turned on to go on stage. Reluctantly pulling my hands away, I tucked them under my legs and looked up at him innocently. It took him a moment to change gears, and then his face split into an adorable smile as he kissed me sweetly one more time before heading back for the encore.
By the time they were done with their set and had showered and changed, James and I were more than ready to get back to the privacy of our hotel. We grabbed our stuff, and along with the rest of the band, made our way to our shuttle pick up spot. We were almost there, when I realized I didn't have my camera with me and remembered then setting it on a shelf in the trailer.
"Shit, I forgot my camera back in the dressing room," I groaned in annoyance. "Hold tight, I'll go grab it."
Before any of the guys could argue, I turned around and headed back the way we'd come, half walking half running to make up the time. I looked back once, and Jamie was standing with his arms folded in front of him trying his best to look put out. I blew him a kiss, and even at a distance, I could see his grin before I rounded a corner and he was out of view. Laughing to myself I stepped up my pace, when suddenly, I felt an arm wrap around my waist and a hand clamp down firmly over my mouth. Without hesitation, I was hauled backwards behind one of the many trailers that created the labyrinth that was the venue's backstage. For a moment I was calm, thinking it had to be someone I knew just messing with me. But then I was unceremoniously pressed up against the cold metal exterior of a trailer, and a man's face that I didn't recognize was looming in front of me. I felt cold terror then, and the stranger's eyes grew bright with anticipation as he looked me over.
"You ain't gonna make any noise right?" He had an English accent, but it was so thick, I could barely understand him; his meaning was clear though. "You an' me are gonna be friends right? An' if I think yer sweet to me, I ain't gonna hurt ya."
I nodded, though I think I was in too much shock to understand.
He pushed himself against me, trapping me more effectively. Keeping one hand on my mouth, he used the other to grope at my body. I think I must have passed out for a moment, but then suddenly he was pulling violently at the front of my sundress, ripping it down the middle, his nails gouging deep tracks into my skin. My muffled shriek of pain went unnoticed.
I guess I was naïve to think that something like this could never happen to me. Sure there were those late nights on campus or walking from my car to my apartment, where I recognized my vulnerability if someone should come at me, but still there was a part of me that was in denial that I would be a statistic like so many other women. I realized the stupidity and arrogance of my thinking now. This man was intent on violating me in the worse way possible, and I knew I was no match for his strength.
I felt him rip off my underwear, and the feel of the cool air on my most private parts finally spurred me into action. I may not be able to fight him off, but I sure as hell wasn't going to make this easy for him. He must have thought I was still in shock and he relaxed his grip slightly, giving me the opportunity to bring up my knee hard into his groin. He let out a loud grunt of pain and reflexively his hand lifted from my mouth. I let out a scream, that was quickly cut off by his hand clamping back down.
"Cunt!!" he snarled viciously as he punched me hard in the stomach.
I staggered from the force of the blow and he released me for a moment, standing back to watch as I struggled in pain. He smiled sadistically, and some part of me knew that wasn't a good sign. Without warning, his fist connected with my right cheek, and I saw an explosion of light behind my eyes. I wanted to vomit from the pain emanating from my midsection and right cheek, and I felt my legs give out on me as I crumpled to my knees.
"Exactly where ya belong bitch."
I heard the sound of a zipper, and the urge to vomit intensified as I guessed what he intended next. With the last of my strength, I screamed out one more time, desperate for anyone to hear me over the sounds of an entire stadium filled with cheering fans. Hope died quickly as he grabbed my throat, cutting off my air in the process. Squeezing firmly, I saw spots dancing in front of me as he forced me onto my back, his body pressing down on me. Sound and light began to fade to nothingness, and for a terrifying moment, I was certain he intended to kill me.
Then, I heard a kind of roaring sound, and suddenly the hand on my throat and the body pressed on top of me were gone. I struggled to get air into my lungs. Everything hurt, even breathing was difficult as I lay there gasping, only half aware of some kind of commotion going on near where I lay. Suddenly there was a face over me, and instinctively I put up my hands in fear.
"Leila." It was Kirk's voice, and I lowered my hands to see him looking down at me, his face deeply troubled as he continued talking to me gently. "Hey sunshine, it's Kirk. You're safe now, no one's gonna hurt you. Do you understand?"
I tried to talk, but I still couldn't get words out, though breathing had become slightly easier. Giving up, I nodded instead. He sighed in relief and looked back over his shoulder for a moment before turning back to me. I caught his look of grim satisfaction and wondered what or who he'd been looking at.
"J...J..."
I tried to speak again, but my throat was too bruised to get words out. Kirk understood though.
"James is here. He's...um...uh...dealin' with that piece of shit mother fucker."
Panic set in at that thought of Jamie getting hurt. I struggled to sit up but was still weak, and could only roll to one side. I could see around Kirk though, and saw James standing over my attacker, or what was left of him. Both James and Cliff's knuckles were bloodied and scraped, and I knew they'd dispensed their own kind of payback; I couldn't say I was sorry. As if sensing my gaze on him, Jamie looked up, and I guessed by his reaction, that I must look as bad as I felt. His entire body went rigid, and his eyes turned black and so filled with fury, I unconsciously recoiled. I'd seen him angry before but never this kind of wild rage, as if he'd could literally do murder. A different kind of fear filled me then, fear for him and what would happen if his rage was given free rein. Speaking was still impossible, so I reached out a trembling hand, my eyes pleading with him to stop. He wanted to resist, I could see the battle warring on his face, but finally he relaxed his stance. With one last kick in the ribs of my attacker, James stepped over the prone body.
"She can't talk," Kirk said quietly as Jamie knelt down by my side.
His face paled as he got a closer look at me, and he let out a faint expletive. I realized then that the vision in my right eye was obstructed because of the substantial swelling of my cheek, and if the pain in my throat was anything to go by, my neck was probably pretty bruised and swollen too. There were deep scratches on my chest from where he'd torn at my dress, and by the throbbing in my midsection, I could tell my ribs were severely bruised. Far worse than the pain though was the shame I felt at being violated. He hadn't be able to do his worse, and yet knowing he'd laid his hands on me at all and remembering how helpless I felt, humiliation, fear, repulsion, and pain swelled up into one giant tidal wave of emotion. I began to shake violently, silent tears flooding down my face as I curled in on myself, trying my best to block out the world. A hand gently touched my shoulder but I pulled away, partly out of fear and partly out of shame.
"Leila," I heard Jamie whisper, his voice choked, "please let me help you."
I shook my head, curling into myself even tighter. I felt something soft being draped over me, and knew from the familiar scent it was James' shirt. His kindness made me cry even harder as I felt him sit down next to me.
"Baby." He tried again, worry and pain making his voice rough as he leaned in close to my ear. "Please don't shut me out. Yer hurt and you need me." He paused for a moment, and I could hear him take a shaky breath. "And...and I need to hold you Leila, I need to know yer ok."
Opening my good eye, I looked up to see him sitting next to me; his eyes were red and his cheeks damp with tears. I reached for him then, and he pulled me gently up into his arms and held me against him for a long time.
Eventually came the sound of footsteps approaching, and suddenly there was a flurry of activity as concert security, the local police, and the festival and the band's management showed up all at once, Lars leading the charge. A medical team had also arrived and they hovered nearby, waiting for when I was ready. I didn't want to leave the security of Jamie's arms and have to face all of these strangers, but I knew I needed to get it over with. James helped me gingerly to my feet, my injuries making it a slow process. Not waiting for me to object, he carefully lifted me into his arms and carried me to the quiet and privacy of the band's trailer, where the next hour was a blur as a female medic examined me and then the police questioned me. Turns out the guy had done this before at other concerts, making his way backstage and attacking vulnerable women. Somehow he'd eluded the police, but with my statement and those of James, Kirk, and Cliff, the police felt confident this guy would spend significant time in prison.
Though I tried to protest, Jamie insisted that I go to the hospital to get checked out. Two x-rays and a bottle of pain meds later, I was back at the hotel taking a hot shower. Another emotional wave hit me and I leaned against the tiled wall and silently sobbed. I was barely aware as the water was turned off and I was wrapped in a towel and back in his arms.
~
I don't remember much about the days after other than that James never left my side. He held me at night and always kept me within arm's reach during the day, never leaving me alone unless there was another member of the band with me. We stayed an extra night in Germany to give me time to heal and for the police to finish with us; it was a very somber train ride back to Copenhagen.
Most of the aches and bruising subsided after the first couple weeks, though I'd always carrying a small scar from where his fingernails had clawed at my chest. The emotional pain was taking the longest to heal. I was jumpy, afraid to be alone and prone to nightmares; only Jamie's presence kept me calm and even keel. But even though I was in a haze, I couldn't help but notice how my situation was affecting him. Most people drown their sorrow or deaden their pain by drinking, James did the opposite. He stayed sober, and I could see that something was eating at him as the weeks passed. He was attentive to my needs but he would barely look at me, and conversations were minimal and never about anything weighty. I didn't know whether he felt guilty for what had happened or if he felt shamed by me; all I knew, was that more and more it began to feel like we were just two people occupying a shared space, with a glacial divide separating us, the distance creeping wider each day.
To make matters worse, he had a commitment to make the album and the record company was breathing down the band's neck to get back on schedule. I could see how much Jamie was being pulled in two directions, and so after a few weeks of things becoming more and more strained, I decided maybe it would be better for me to go home. Of course I didn't want to, I wanted to stay with him more than anything, but I hated seeing him so frustrated, I hated the strangeness between us, and I was starting to feel in the way. Though I thought I was doing the right thing, the moment I suggested it I was hoping he'd immediately shoot down the idea, but instead, he seemed relieved. The punch to the face I'd taken felt less painful than knowing that Jamie didn't want me around. But I didn't protest as he put me on a plane a few days later. I let him kiss me on the cheek, avoiding his gaze less he'd see how badly I was hurting, how much I just wanted him to want me to stay with him. But he didn't stop me, and I came home to an empty apartment, scared, wounded, and feeling like my world was falling apart.
James must have called Kelly while I was inflight, because she was at my door within minutes of arriving home. I opened the door and immediately was wrapped up tight in her arms as I sobbed my heart out. She basically moved back in with me after that day. Jamie wasn't due home from Europe for another three months and I was terrified of being alone.
He called every day, but most days I found reasons to avoid his call. I had a hard time pretending that I was fine and that it wasn't killing me that he wasn't there with me. He sent flowers, but I usually took them to a local hospital, as they only acted as a reminder that he was far away when I needed him the most. As the weeks passed though, my fears began to fade and the memories of that day became more muted. I didn't jump at every noise, I didn't tense up every time a man passed me on the street, and most nights I slept without nightmares. My arms ached for Jamie though. The anger was fading while the longing to be together again took its place. When the phone rang that afternoon like it always did, this time I answered it.
"Hello." I tried hard to keep my tone even.
"You picked up."
The joy in his voice cut straight to my heart and I totally lost it. I was vaguely aware that he was trying to console me on the other end of the line, but I couldn't stop crying. Kelly rushed in from the other room and quickly gathered me into her arms.
She pried the phone out of my shaking hands to speak to James. "It's Kelly." There was a short pause. "No, she can't talk right now."
I tried to calm down so that I could hear their conversation, but I couldn't seem to control my weeping.
"How the fuck do you think she's doing?" she continued, taking a tone I'd never heard her use. "You abandoned her for the last two months to fend for herself!"
"No Kelly, don't say that—" I tried to interrupt, but she shushed me.
There was another pause as Jamie spoke on the other end of the phone, and I strained to hear him but couldn't. I could tell though by the subtly shifting expression on Kelly's face, her anger was losing steam.
She glanced at me then, her eyes sad. "She's doin' better. She doesn't wake up every night screaming like she used to."
I flinched at the emotional bullet of that disclosure. Even though it was true. James must have felt that one hard since the line went quiet on his end.
"Hello...James....are you still there?" Kel's voice held a small hint of regret.
He must have finally spoken up, because I could tell by her face she was listening.
"Yeah, well that doesn't really mean crap right now does it?" She was back to being pissed. "I've got things handled here, so just go back to bein' a rock star." With that, she slammed the phone down.
It was quiet for a moment. Finally she looked at me, and I could tell she already regretted letting her anger get away from her.
"I'm sorry Lei, I should have handled that better. I heard his voice and suddenly I couldn't stop my mouth from running away with me. I'm sure he won't hold anything I said against you."
I smiled wanly at her, appreciating her protective streak. Had the roles been reversed, I would have done the same thing.
"Thanks for stickin' up for me," I said softly. "Honestly, I dunno what I woulda said."
"I'm sure he'll call back and you can tell him I'm just a crazy bitch and he should just ignore what I said."
"You didn't say anything that wasn't true. As painful as it was, he needed to hear it and I needed it to be said."
I hugged her tight, and then we put on a stupid comedy on the television and waited for Jamie to call back. But he didn't. I went to bed that night with fresh tears sliding down my cheeks as I wondered how my life could have changed so drastically and so quickly. I felt lost. And so lonely. I missed Jamie, despite everything, I missed him more than anything.
~
By the time I dragged myself out of bed late the next morning, Kel was already off to work. She'd gotten a job soon after graduation with a local graphic design firm, and though it wasn't fashion, according to Kel it was the first step in her plan to take over the design world. Plus, she was always sketching and working up new idea boards in her free time, so I had no doubt she knew exactly what she was doing.
Before I could make myself breakfast, I heard the mailman drop off his daily delivery in the mailbox on the front porch. Cinching the belt of my robe tighter around my waist, I headed outside and retrieved the stack out of the box. Vaguely aware that a light rain was falling as I stood on the porch and sifted through the stack, I noted a few letters from friends and what looked to be fan mail forwarded from the record company for James. Seeing his name on the letters, I felt a spike of pain go through my chest. He hadn't called since yesterday when Kel had lit into him. I hated this limbo we were in. I was missing him, but I had no idea if he even felt the same.
Finished with sorting, I sighed as I stood looking up at the grey sky and the rain coming down harder now. Peripherally, I was aware of the sound of cars driving on the wet pavement on my street and then the sound of braking. A car door slammed and it sounded surprisingly close. Pulling my attention from the clouds above I glanced towards the street, and my whole body went still. Jamie was standing in the road, the taxi he'd arrived in just pulling away. He was staring at me, his body as still as mine, and our eyes caught and held across the distance. The letters slipped from my fingers and scattered over the porch, but I was barely aware as somehow my legs were propelling me down the stairs. James met me at the bottom step and then I was in his arms, being held so tightly, I wasn't sure he was ever going to let me go. I began to tremble then and he held me even tighter, the rain coming down harder and soaking through my thin robe and nightgown. I never felt the cold.
"Y...yer here." My voice sounded strange to my own ears. 'H...how?"
"After the call yesterday...I took the first flight out." His breath was warm against my ear and I trembled involuntarily. "Shit Leila, yer shivering. Lemme get you outta this rain."
I was shaking my head as I pulled back just enough so I could see his face. "I don't care. Yer here...that's all that matters."
The emotion in his eyes deepened as he stared down at me. "I...I had to come. The studio guys were pissed, but Cliff, Kirk, and even Lars, told them to fuck off. I didn't pack, I just left the studio, got in a cab and caught the first flight from Copenhagen." He looked away for a moment before bringing his gaze back to mine. "Two months too fuckin' late."
I could see the misery and regret in his eyes, and even if I hadn't, the haggardness in his face told me that the last few months had been horrible for him as well. My heart broke for the pain we'd both endured.
"I don't care anymore that you weren't here, I only care that you are now. I love you."
His head bowed and I could tell by the shaking of his shoulders that he was crying. Pulling him to me, I held him tight as a wave of emotion hit us both.
"I don't deserve it," he muttered hoarsely against my ear as he held onto me.
I didn't know what to say to convince him otherwise, so I held him tighter. Suddenly, all the anger and hurt didn't seem worth holding onto anymore. He'd been stupid to let me leave, but I'd been stupid to leave in the first place. We'd always handled our problems together, and we'd both made the mistake of forgetting that.
Feeling freer than I had in a while, I pulled back to look up at him as the mix of rain and tears slipped down both our faces. Cupping his cheek tenderly, I stretched up and gently touched my lips to his. I could feel him fight against his impulse to deepen the kiss, and my heart exploded with love knowing he was trying to keep from scaring me. I didn't push it either, and we stayed wrapped in each other's arms kissing each other gently.
I don't know how long we stood on the sidewalk in the rain, but eventually the cold started to penetrate through the haze that had cocooned us. Pulling back, we stared at each other shyly before I took his hand and led him into our home.
The apartment was dark and cold, now that I was drenched to the bone. I stood rubbing my hands together while James shrugged out of his heavy leather jacket and hung it on one of the coat hooks in the entry hall, and kicked off his soaked sneakers. By the time he turned back to me, my teeth were chattering. Pulling me to him, he ran his hand over my back and arms, but my clothing was soaked and his attempts to warm me were ineffectual. Before I could say anything, he was lifting me into his arms.
"J...Jamie!" I stammered in surprise. "What are you doin'?"
"Takin' care of my girl. Just let me do my job," he scolded softly.
I stayed quiet as I looped an arm around his neck and cuddled against him as he carried me to the back of the apartment. Surprisingly, he took me straight to the bathroom. Setting me down carefully, he turned the water on in the shower and made sure it was the right temperature before turning back to me. Hesitating for a moment he seemed uncertain of what to do next, then he took a breath and very methodically stripped me of my wet clothing. I knew he was trying to focus on taking care of me, but I could see his eyes straying as more of my body was revealed. By the time he'd removed my underwear, his hands were shaking bad.
"Y...you should get under the water," he muttered thickly, gesturing towards the shower.
I nodded and stepped carefully into the spray. The hot water felt so good against my cold and clammy skin, that I let out a low moan of pleasure. Peripherally, I could see Jamie's shoulders stiffen as he stood facing away, giving me privacy while I bathed. His discretion seemed odd given the fact that he'd seen me naked a thousand times, and then I realized that not only had we not seen each other in over two months, but we hadn't been intimate since before my attack. James, in this one small act, was showing how much he wanted me to feel safe with him, that he understood I might still feel afraid. What I felt though was love. And need. I needed him so badly.
"Jamie?" I saw him turn his head slightly. "Could...could you help me get my back?"
I thought he might resist, but instead he sighed and began to roll up the sleeves of his shirt. I turned my back to him and handed him the bar of soap over my shoulder, which he took and ran between his hands to build a lather. There was a weighted pause where I was certain we were both holding our breaths, and then, feather light, I felt his hands settle onto my back. Immediately I had to smother another moan, but I'm sure he heard it anyway as his hands stilled for a moment before slowly sliding gently across my skin. My eyes closed involuntarily, half in pleasure at his touch, and half in the overpowering emotion of the moment.
I didn't want to spook him, so I let him take the lead while he continued to work his hands over me, his fingers massaging into my flesh as he rubbed at the knots of built up stress in my neck, before running his fingers out towards my shoulders and down my arms. I could feel the heat from his body as he hovered close to me, his hot breath skimming over my wet skin. My body was strung taut at his touch and nearness, and I knew I couldn't take the tension a moment longer. Deliberately, I turned to look up at him, and I saw his eyes meet mine and then quickly away as if he was ashamed.
"Baby," I whispered, my throat suddenly tight. "It's ok to look at me."
"I won't wanna stop with just lookin'," he mumbled uncomfortably as he kept his head turned.
I took him by the chin and forced him to look at me. I could easily read the conflict in his eyes.
"I don't want you to just look either."
Before he could respond, my lips were on his as I kissed him with all the love I felt. Only a handful of moments passed before I felt him place a hand on my waist and pull me towards him as his lips began to move against mine. Sighing happily, I melted into him as I wrapped my arms around his neck, my fingers tangling in his damp hair. Whatever reservations he might have had, seemed to disappear as his other arm slipped around my back and crushed my body against him, our mouths and tongues worked feverishly against each other.
Feeling emboldened, I stepped backwards into the shower, pulling him with me as the warm water sprayed over us both as we continued to kiss passionately. My hands skimmed down his sides to the hem of his shirt. Grabbing the fabric, I started to pull it up his chest, but the soggy material was being stubborn. Chuckling softly, James helped me lift it over his head before his lips were back on mine, and I took delight in running my hands over his wet skin, the sensation heightening the excitement growing in my belly. As if taking a cue from me, I felt his fingers begin to move slowly over my body, taking his time as he reacquainted himself with every nook and cranny of my sensitive flesh. His hands finally moved to my aching breasts, and my trembling increased as he caressed and fondled, thumbing the hardened nipples until I was moaning in pleasure.
"Jamie..." I panted against his mouth, "I need you."
He pulled back a little to look down at me. "Are...are you sure Leila?" Worry wrinkled his brow. "I can wait. I don't wanna—"
My lips were back on his before he could finish the sentence, and immediately he deepened the kiss as our touching and caressing became more and more frenzied. Anxious to be closer, we both reached for the opening of his jeans and started laughing as we struggled to get them undone. Finally he kicked them off to join his shirt in the corner of the shower, and then he was pressing me up against the tiled wall as his mouth moved hotly over my neck.
Suddenly I felt a brief moment of fear as I remembered being trapped against the trailer as my attacker tore at my clothing, and my body went rigid. Instantly, Jamie stopped his sensual caresses, and though he was breathing hard, he shakily caught my chin in his hand and forced me to meet his gaze. I watched his eyes dilate and his jaw clench as he caught the panic in my eyes.
"Fuck Lei, I'm so sorry. I knew I was moving too fa—"
Pressing my fingers to his mouth, I gave a rueful smile. "No, no I pushed for this. I want this...I just need us to slow down a little." Still seeing self-recrimination in his eyes, I kissed him softly on the mouth. "I want this Jamie...I want my life back, I don't wanna be in this limbo anymore."
He nodded, though he reached over and turned off the water. Grabbing a towel, he gently and almost reverently rubbed me dry. Everywhere he dried, he finished with a tender kiss. By the time he'd finished with my whole body, I was shaking with need. Seeing my condition, Jamie quickly used the towel on himself before leading me to our bedroom. We laid down side by side as we caressed and touched each other at a leisurely pace, his gaze never leaving mine. Soon I was writhing, my breath coming in gasps as his hands lit my body on fire.
Slowly, his eyes still glued to mine, he shifted himself onto me, bracing his arms on either side as he hovered above. I knew he was taking his time, though it was clearly taking a toll on his restraint as evidenced by his gritted teeth and the trembling of his body as he held still. I realized he was waiting for some sign or word for me that I was ok. Smiling softly at his show of love and patience, I lifted my hips, sliding him fully into my body.
"F...fuck baby," he hissed, his eyes shut tight as he threw his head back.
I almost orgasmed watching him. Groaning with desire, I moved my hips deliberately as I continued to watch the emotions on his face as the friction between us built slowly. Sucking in a breath, he opened his eyes, and they were black with desire and love so intense, I almost forgot to breathe.
"Jamie..." I managed to whisper before his lips were back on mine, stealing my gasp of pleasure.
He began thrusting harder as the room began to fill with the sounds of our lovemaking. His tongue followed suit, plunging in and out of my mouth as it matched pace with our hips, the dual sensation causing my whole body to vibrate with building pressure. I could feel it so close, I was already shaking.
"Please baby...I...I need..."
He slowed for a moment and pulled back to stare down at me. "What...what do you need Leila?" His voice was low and hoarse.
"You," I moaned. "Only you."
He closed his eyes tight for a moment. "I'll always...always be yers."
With those words, he kissed me again, only this time more fervently as he quickened his pace. His thrusts became deeper as I clung to him, pressing myself up against him as I writhed in pleasure, until suddenly the world around me exploded as our two bodies fused together in complete coherence. Something about this time felt deeper and more profound, and we stayed wrapped in each other's arms long after the tremors died away. I didn't want to ever leave his arms and somehow I knew James felt the same. We stayed cuddled together, talking quietly and kissing. Everything felt right again, and my nightmares felt very far away.