"I look like such a dork in a tie," he muttered.
Liz glanced over her shoulder at him while Josie fussed with the full skirt on her gown. "You absolutely do," she giggled, reaching back for his hand, "It's probably one of my favorite things about you."
"Yeah?" he stepped forward so her back grazed his chest, not caring that he was most likely interfering with whatever Josie was doing. Just as he leaned in to kiss the ridge of her shoulder, the wall of cameras several feet away lit up and their names were thrown around in the increasing pandemonium.
The Oscars red carpet was their first scheduled public appearance since the disaster that was the Grammys and while the tangle with Calliope was still managing to pull headlines across the internet, Dave and Liz were letting their actions take the place of any public statement or rebuttal. They weren't even officially on the red carpet yet, some B list actress was currently taking her turn posing on the black tape marks, but the cameras were now trained on their affectionate moment.
Josie finished perfecting Liz's gown and hopped up to manhandle Dave into position. "Whatever you do, don't touch her belly," she warned with a finger pointed straight between his eyes. "This dress can only hide so much so don't go bringing attention to it, okay? Just keep your paws on her back."
"Yes, Satan," he tossed back at her and bit back a smile when he heard Travis chuckle behind him.
"And you!" Josie turned her attention to Liz, "Keep your fucking hands in your pockets! It makes the skirt fuller."
"But my ring-," she tried, holding her hand out to her friend, "I'm supposed to show it off..."
Dave cleared his throat to prevent himself from saying something snarky. He hated how choreographed their night was becoming, but it was his own damn fault. Both of their management teams wanted them trotted out looking happy and in love so the masses would continue to side with them, but it was hard. Not that they weren't, for the most part, happy and in love but Liz still hadn't divulged the reasons for the late night texts with Taylor. The visits had waned and the envelope that was once hidden in her jewelry chest had disappeared, only leaving more questions in their absence.
"Fine," Josie ceded. "Link your arms and rest your hand on his wrist. That'll keep him from feeling you up, at least."
"I've got two hands, Josephine," Dave reminded her. Their relationship had always been a little tense, but after Calliope it was downright bitter.
"Good. You can use them to defend yourself when I finally kick your ass," she shot back with an acidic grin. "Okay, you two. Go have fun!"
If there was anything he hated more than a red carpet, it was a red carpet he couldn't have fun on. There were no keg cups, no other musicians, no party atmosphere that he could build on. He did have Liz, but she stood stiffly beside him with her hand gripping his wrist so hard he could feel his own pulse until someone in the press wall screamed, "Mrs. Grohl!" and she began to laugh.
"Not sure I'll ever get used to that," she giggled and relaxed into him, "This is much more tolerable now that you're stuck with me."
"A year ago I was waiting inside for you," he reminded her. "I drove Taylor up the fucking wall checking my phone for a photo of you."
"A year ago I was wishing you were out here with me," she replied, her eyes still scanning the press wall, "Seems like it's been a lot longer, though."
"Would you still have married me if I had just shown up that day?"
Liz's smile slipped a little. "Here? Last year?"
"Taylor had to talk me out of it," he admitted, now watching her instead of the cameras, "I was just going to show up and follow you around until you agreed to go out with me."
"Were we not already 'going out' by then?" she laughed.
"I don't think we ever really made it official."
"Oh my god, you're right," she gasped and followed him off the carpet towards the interview area, "What are we? Is our marriage even legal?"
"Elizabeth," he affected a serious air, "would you do me the immense honor of being my girlfriend?"
"Oh, David. I'm... I don't know how to tell you this but I'm already seeing someone."
"Is it serious?"
"It is," she nodded solemnly. "We live together, our kids get along, we have this elaborate bedtime routine..."
"No," he argued, now laughing with her, "Your bedtime routine is elaborate, Elizabeth. I just sit in bed and wait an hour for you to finish whatever the hell it is you do with those eighty goddamn bottles littering our bathroom counter."
"Shut up," she giggled and finally turned to the woman and the microphone beside them, who had been watching and listening to them with interest.
"You two are the happiest couple that's come across this red carpet in years!" she exclaimed. "You've been married for almost four months now, are there any other surprise announcements on their way?"
"Give us some time," Dave wryly cautioned. "Like you said, it's only been four months."
The woman shoved her face into the camera beside her, "The honeymoon phase! Did you two go on a honeymoon?"
"No," Liz laughed and shook her head. "We've been too busy."
"Dave!" the woman cried, "You didn't take your wife on a honeymoon?!"
"Maybe right after we're done talking to you we'll hop on a plane and hit up somewhere warm."
"We could go now," Liz said suddenly. "Let's just go right now."
He glanced down at her, wondering how serious she was when she tugged on his arm. "Okay, well... sorry to cut this-"
Liz successfully yanked him away from the line of cameras and microphones, giggling until they were safely behind the large backdrop. "If we didn't have a house full of kids to come home to, we'd be halfway to the airport."
*
The green room was almost identical to the previous year's and Liz wondered how much it had really changed in the ninety-some years the show had dragged on for.
"Nervous?"
His voice made her jump a little, answering his question for her. She calmed only a little when his arm slid around her back, just enough that she could let out the breath she was holding. "Yes," she sighed but smiled when he offered her his beer.
"Want a smell?"
"A taste would be better," she grumbled.
He nodded sagely and took a long drink while scanning the crowded room from over the rim of his glass. She waited patiently, a smile curling at the edges of her mouth as she caught on to what he was about to do, then let him back her into their quiet corner and kiss her. She had been dreading presenting but now found that she was actually having fun thanks to him.
A few moments and a couple discreet gropes later, Travis awkwardly cleared his throat and shuffled closer, "They're ready for you, Liz."
"So about that honeymoon," she muttered when Dave let her breathe.
"We can be on a plane in a half hour."
"So fucking tempting," she whined.
"Want me to come with you?" Dave asked, backing up a step. "I can wait with you until you have to go on."
She considered it a moment then shook her head. "No, it's probably best if you just wait here. That way I know where to find you afterward."
A brief flash of disappointment crossed his face, but he recovered quickly and started to dig around in his pockets, producing a black pick. Her heart fluttered when his cheeks reddened and his gaze cast downward, embarrassed a bit by his offer. "Just... hold onto it for luck. It works for me so I'm sure it'll work for you."
The pick was well loved, the once silver War Pig image was now a blotchy white with one entire tusk missing. "It's the pick Lem gave me the first time we jammed together. He called me out for being pick-less... made fun of me for being unprepared," he chuckled a little at the memory, his eyes unfocused and glazed, "So now I always keep it on me. I don't think he'll mind if you're looking after it for a bit."
"I'm sure he'll strike me down in front of all those rich, famous people during a live broadcast if he weren't," she assured him. If she didn't crack a joke, she was sure she'd burst into tears. The memory of meeting Lemmy when she was a little girl suddenly flooded her mind, his iron grip on her shoulder, his kind smile and soft eyes, him smelling of cigarettes, peppermint, and whiskey, it all made her wonder what he would have thought of her and Dave together.
"Miss Colbert?" a stagehand interrupted her thoughts and she shoved the pick deep into her dress pocket.
"You better go," Dave sweetly kissed her forehead and stepped back to the table where his drink was waiting. "You're gonna be great."
*
Standing in the dark on the edge of the stage, she adjusted her skirts the way Josie had instructed her and shoved her hands in her pockets to run her fingers over the pick. She was kicking herself for not agreeing to him to waiting with her when the bobbing light of a stagehand's flashlight caught her eye.
"Lizzy"
Her entire body flinched at the sound of Johnny's voice even if it was just a whisper.
"You look like you could use a drink, love."
"Thank you, but no," she whispered back, distractedly adjusting her skirts once again.
Even in the dark, she could see his face blanche. "Ah," he nodded in understanding. "Congratulations."
She took a breath to clarify, but he spoke before she could.
"A late summer baby, then?"
Her fist clenched around the pick so hard she felt it bend but remained taciturn. He didn't deserve an explanation or an acknowledgment, she just hoped he still had even a bit of honor left in him and would keep his mouth shut in the press.
"I made a very interesting mutual acquaintance the other day," he continued, unfazed by her coldness. "She mentioned your new arrival was due around then," he gestured towards her middle, "What does dear David think of it all?"
The metallic taste of blood told her to release her teeth from her tongue before she spoke, "You've been in this business a long time, Johnny," she snapped, her voice now a harsh whisper. "I'm surprised you believed a word that came out of that mayfly's mouth."
"Well, she wasn't talking for long," he chuckled and Liz felt herself swallow a gag. "So you're not expecting? Just enjoying being a housewife again? Casseroles and cocktail parties and whatnot?"
"Immensely," she breathed, turning her attention back to the stage in hopes he would take the hint and leave.
"Well, I'm very happy for you, Lizzy."
She only hummed her response, letting his words tumble around in her mind. "Calliope is such a busy girl lately.
His drink stuttered away from his mouth and his eyes swung away from the stage back to her. "Is she?"
Liz shrugged, focusing more on the host starting his introduction of her rather than the man beside her. "I suppose I can't fault her for latching onto any well-endowed bank account she can get her hooks into. First my ex-husband, then Dave and now you? Not sure why I'm the common denominator here, but none of this Hollywood bullshit ever lasts, does it? She's smart to have a backup plan and luckily you took the bait. Maybe she'll back up off of me now."
Johnny stared down into his drink, his silence telling her he was unaware of the depth of Calliope's deception. With the blood rushing in her ears and her heart hammering a steady roll in her chest, she threw back her shoulders, affected her actress smile and stepped past him onto the brightly lit stage to the deafening sound of applause.
*
Dave watched her through the shoulders of the crowd surrounding the monitors, smiling into his drink when he spotted his pick pinched between her middle and ring fingers next to her wedding ring. She was articulate, funny, confident, gorgeous... she even cracked an off-the-cuff joke when the envelope in her hands proved difficult to open and the laughter in the theater was so loud he could hear it in the green room. The garnet in her ring flashed brilliantly as the envelope finally gave way and she announced the winner. The crowd around the monitor exploded into cheers and applause, but he remained still to watching her sweetly congratulate the winning actor. The moment she stepped back to relinquish the spotlight he started for the backstage space to meet her just as he had done the year before, but the door opened before he could reach it and Depp sauntered in with a mostly empty whiskey glass.
They met eyes briefly, Depp's complacent smile sending a bolt of anger through Dave. He contemplated saying something, telling him to stay the fuck away from his wife, but he knew it wasn't worth it. Liz would be annoyed, everyone in the green room would spread the gossip and it would just add to the drama already threatening them. So, he nudged Travis with his elbow and gave him a quick nod, silently asking him to show him the way to the stage where he could wait for Liz.
She was just exiting the stage in front of the winner when he reached out to stop her in the dark, startling her. But a bright smile spread across her face when she saw it was him and threw her arms around his shoulders.
"You did great," he told her, kissing her forehead as she moved the pick from her pocket back to his.
"I'll be happy if I never have to do that again," she laughed and looked up at him, searching his face for a moment. "Did he say something to you?"
"No, he slithered in just after you finished on stage and I was on my way to find you."
Stepping back, she linked her arm with his and started in the opposite direction of the green room, "Let's just get a head start on the afterparty then."
*
The lobby of the hotel was packed with people, some of them invited guests but the majority were people that had found their way inside and were jostling for a peek into the lavish event in the ballroom. Dave and Liz posed for pictures in front of the greenery wall and made one lap around the party before sneaking into the chaotic kitchen.
As they waited in the far back for the service elevator, Liz ducked under his arm and leaned her full weight into his side, resting her chin on his shoulder and closing her eyes. She was relieved their night had gone the polar opposite direction of the Grammy's but she was exhausted and all she wanted to do was get up to their room, shed her actress skin and get into bed with him.
The elevator pinged loudly and a grating laugh echoed from inside the steel car before the doors could even open, making Dave recoil with Liz still in his arms. "We're leaving," he said abruptly, just as the doors gave way to reveal the candy-colored hair, lavender gown and fresh tattoos gracing her left arm.
Calliope only looked stunned for a moment as if she couldn't believe her good luck. "Well, well, well!"
Liz swallowed her rage as Dave's hands moved from her shoulders to grip her upper arms. She could hear him speaking, but couldn't make out what he was whispering to her over the sound of her pulse thrumming in her ears and it wasn't until he tugged on her arm that she realized he was trying to get her to move, making her look up into his seething face.
"No," she said firmly, but quietly. "I'm not letting her run us off."
His jaw dropped to protest, but Calliope strolled out of the elevator followed by her two huge security guards. "Oh Lizzy, darling," she cooed. "Did Taylor give you my little message?"
"He did," Liz cooed right back with enough venom to make Dave move again, this time winding one arm around her middle in case she lunged at the other woman's throat.
"I'm so glad. I just felt they were too special to be kept from the world, you know? Just so... aesthetically pleasing. You let me know when you're ready for the digital copies to be released and I'll send them right over to TMZ!"
She imagined herself yanking Calliope by her hair and repeatedly smashing her face against the steel wall of the elevator, but she remembered the Beyonce headlines after the Met Gala from years ago and decided it was a bad idea to assault someone where cameras were hidden in the ceiling. So, she chose the next best option and charged out of Dave's arms directly into Calliope's now terrified face.