TIM POV: These last two years have wrecked me...
We've gone in a complete circle... Faith is now, not only stuck in the hospital, but overcoming complications from Cancer. She's so ill... It hurts me to see her like this. To see her pain... I wish I could take it all away.
I watch her chest inflate as she slowly breathes in. It brings me some peace, knowing that she's alive. There have been too many moments where I could've lost her...
This is sick... and twisted. This whole game the world is playing. I understand why I deserved the pain. I understand completely. She has never done anything to deserve this. It's unfair, and miserable. She doesn't deserve this...
I hear her whimper. She's looking up at me with eyes full of tears. I wipe a few away that managed to slip. She looks like she is in such pain.
"What's going on baby?" I ask. She shuts her eyes tightly, causing more tears to fall. I can feel my eyes sting just seeing her tears flow.
Pain... she mouths. I hit the call button. A doctor runs right in.
"Okay, so what's going on now darlin'?" He asks, slipping on gloves. She cringes and yelps, pointing to her head. I feel numb, as I cross my arms to restrain myself. I can't do this... I'm not this strong. The doctor releases a little frown and goes to grab some medicine. They can only give her more painkillers.
She begins to twitch, making me feel sick. I try to keep myself from crying, but I know what this means. The medicine is killing a part of her brain as we speak. She feels parts of her brain being suffocated, and eventually, dying. I want to help her so badly... but there's nothing I can do. I watch her body struggle as her brain continues to die. Her body is so tense, that she cannot even wipe her own tears away. She moves like a barbie doll. Her arms are stuck at full extension, her fingers are glued together, and her legs can only bend a minimal amount. She looks so uncomfortable.
"Alright Faith. I need you to count to ten for me, okay?" The doctor says, placing the needle in her IV. She cringes, knowing that the medicine hurts the most. She nods and begins to count.
"1-2-3-" She starts, with her tired and raspy voice filling the room. She suddenly stops counting, replacing the numbers with groans of pain. I shut my eyes, to try and shut myself off for a moment so I don't lose my mind. I open them again once I hear him finish.
"You're all done honey. It's okay." The doctor says, squeezing her hand lightly. She's twitching, slowly losing emotion in her eyes. I watch as she becomes numb to the world around her. These next few hours will be nonexistent in her memory...
After two hours, I leave the room for a brief moment to go talk to Kendricks. As I feel myself get farther from her, I feel more and more sorrow. Tears are welling up in my eyes no matter how hard I push them back. I walk quickly, trying to get to Kendricks before I lose my mind. I open the door to his office, and completely collapse. I begin to cry and curse God.
"Tim, it's okay." Kendricks says, rubbing my back and trying to get me off the floor. I continue to breakdown.
"What did she do? Why does she deserve this?" I cry. He shuts the door of his office and sits down on the floor next to me. He tries to comfort me, but it doesn't help any.
"Sometimes shit just happens..." He says.
"Sick bastards. She doesn't deserve this." I scream. He nods.
"Tim, we are running out of time." He says blandly. I nod.
"I know."
"There isn't anything we can do besides that drug." He says. I bite the inside of my cheek and close my eyes. I can feel tears running down my cheeks. "We either do that, or I'm letting her go. I'm not going to watch her suffer any longer. I know you feel the same way." I nod, feeling myself cry harder.
"Try it." I say. "That's why I came down here..."
"I figured." He says, getting up. He holds out a hand to help me up. I take it and get up. "No matter what, I'm not going to allow her to suffer in any way, Tim, okay? I need you to trust me." I nod and begin to walk back to her room.
I walk in to see her laying on her side. She's still trembling. I sit beside the bed, facing her. Her eyes stare aimlessly at me. I watch a tear slip quickly from her eye. I wipe it away and give her a small smile. She sends one back to me, before frowning quickly after. Her mouth gapes open, allowing a small amount of drool to slip. She tries to wipe it before I can see, but her arm won't work the way she wants it to. She struggles to get it towards her head. I grab a tissue and wipe it away, trying not to shame her. Embarrassment is fluent in her eyes, making me feel sick.
We always agreed that when we were old and wrinkled, that we'd be changing eachother's diapers and pureeing food for one another. We always pledged to never shame each other because of the little things and disabilities. Now here she sits, 40 years old, bed ridden, and literally drooling on herself. I never thought it would come this fast...
"It's alright, baby." I whisper. Her lips move, as if she is trying to respond. A little groan comes out instead. It hits like a bullet. I try not to react, but I can't help it. I feel a tear fall... I shut my eyes tightly, trying to control myself before she takes notice. I don't want her to feel like there's something wrong with her...
I open them, to see a prominent frown. Tears are falling from her eyes, and crashing like tidal waves against the pillow. She closes her eyes and gasps for air. She bites her lip, and scrunches her eyebrows together in strain.
"Shhhh... It's okay, baby." I say, brushing between her eyebrows. She opens her eyes and stares at me. They're red, and empty. The light that was once there has been pried away from her with vigor. No matter how hard she's held on to it, it always pulled harder. She looks worn... almost a shell of what used to be... I just want to go back... relive those moments. The pivotal, but at the time, so insignificant, moments. Back to when she wasn't in pain...
"I'm sorry..." She wails. I shake my head as my chest begins to hurt.
"Don't be." I say. She attempts to hide her face by turning towards the pillow. I rub her arm as I hear her cries grow.
"What's wrong with me?" She screams. I try to calm her down, but it's proving to be of no use.
"Nothing's wrong, honey." I say. She continues to scream over me.
"Just let me go.... please... I'm begging you." She cries. I watch her back twitch as I try to recover. Her words hit like a dagger to the heart. I try to respond, but my mouth just hangs open in search for words. Kendricks walks in with the medicine.
"Hey sweetheart." Kendricks says somberly. Faith turns and studies the syringe he has in his hands. She looks over to me with seemingly desperate eyes.
"We have to." I say. "At least try it. I mean, it can't get any worse." I add. She nods.
"You sure you want to do this?" Kendricks whispers to me. Faith looks at me and nods once more, overhearing him.
"Yeah, I'm sure." I answer. She sticks out her arm, which holds the IV. He shakes his head.
"I'm going to have to insert this in your upper neck." He says, walking over towards her back. He motions me to get close to her. I guess this is going to hurt.
I grab her hand, and sit on the edge of my seat, trying to be as close to her as I can. Kendricks shakes his head once more.
"Closer." He says, moving Faith back a bit, making room for me on the bed. A lump forms in my throat as I crawl up and wrap her in my arms. I lay on my back, and pull her close enough, so that her head, as well as half of her body, is laying on me. Her hand lays across me. I feel her fingers twitch on my side.
"I love you so much." She says, fear overwhelming her.
"I love you too baby." I respond. "It'll all be over soon. You're going to get better, I promise." I say. She nods.
"Alright, Faith I need you to hold still." He says, getting the needle close to her neck. My hand holds firmly onto her waist, and back of her head, making sure she doesn't move. I feel her breathing increase as the needle goes in. He finishes the first syringe, and pulls out another. Once he's done with the second, he wipes where it entered, and places gauze over it. "Don't want to risk infection." He tells me, as the pain begins to hit Faith.
"Ow." She vocalizes, before the extreme pain begins to set it. She shakes in my arms. Her hand holds onto my shirt, as if she could stabilize herself by doing so. I rub her back and try to calm her. It doesn't work. She cries out with small, high pitch screams. Her shaking worsens.
"It's okay, baby." I say. Her eyes express horror as I look helplessly at Kendricks. He looks back at me with sad eyes.
"There's nothing I can do..."
"How long?" I ask desperately.
"Four, five hours." He answers. I nod and prepare for a long night.
"I need you. Like a needle needs a vein, like my uncle Joe in Oklahoma needles a rain. I need you. Like a lighthouse needs a coast, like the father and the son need the holy ghost, I need you." I sing to her. It's been eight hours of screaming and crying. I feel like I'm going crazy.
"Okay, she still shaking?" Kendricks pops his head in the room. I nod.
"A little." I say. He walks in and holds out her hand. It shakes lightly in the cool, crisp air.
"I think she's good enough to get some medicine in her." He says. I release a little sigh of relief. Anything to stop her screams...
He returns with yet another syringe, this time filled with something to hush her pain, not cause it. She of course, does not realize this, and begins to panic. He pulls out the needle and tells me to hold out the arm with the IV. I do as he says, to be met with Faith's resistance. He aims the needle towards the IV. Faith suddenly tugs her arm away and tries to flail out of my grasp. Her screams become shattering as I try to grab her. She pushes away from me, and attempts to push herself of the bed. I grab her and wrap my arms and legs around her, trying to almost trap her under me. She manages to slip out and fall onto the floor. She tries to get up, but she quickly falls.
"Faith!" I scream, as she successfully gets up and tries to take off down the hallway. Kendricks and I chase after her. She weaves her way with remarkable speed down the halls, dodging wheelchairs and doctors. She hits a dead end, and turns back to face us. We finally come to a stop, knowing she's cornered. Her eyes are full of tears and fear as she backs up against the wall. She slides down in the corner and sits in a fetal position. Kendricks looks at me with sad eyes.
"Faith, it's okay. We aren't going to hurt you." He explains. She shakes her head. I try to approach her, only to have her shrivel up even more. I bend down next to her.
"Honey, we are just trying to give you some medicine to take away the pain." I say, she peaks up and looks at him, and shakes her head.
"No..." She says.
"Why?" I ask.
"Just leave me alone." She insists, putting her head down behind her knees.
"Faith." I say, placing a hand on her shoulder.
"Leave!" She screams, pushing me away, causing me to fall back. I look at her with shock. I get up, and walk over to Kendricks.
"Just give her some space." I whisper to him. He nods and continues to stare at her. I go around the corner and sit down, giving her the illusion that I've left. Kendricks, however, still remains in the middle of the hallway. He studies her. I peak around the corner to see her get up and walk right past him. His eyes follow her as she walks down a different hallway. Kendricks walks over to me, letting her go down the hall alone, and confused.
"It's working." He says. I sit up straighter.
"What?" I ask.
"The meds are working. She's agitated. It means she's sore, but obviously not in that pain she was in before." He says, making no sense to me.
"What?" I say again.
"Just give it a few days. It should all be over by then." He says. I nod and try to let myself trust him. I look back to search for Faith, but she's nowhere to be seen.
"Where'd she go?" I begin to panic.
"Let her go." he says. "She'll come back."