Me: Can you come over?
I stare at the words before hitting send quickly to avoid taking back the question and procrastinate the conversation further.
Only a moment later my phone vibrates with a response.
Marcus: I'll be over in a few
Marcus: are you alright?
Me: okay
I answer the first respose but don't respond to the question beneath, because honestly, the answer depends on him.
I near the door, anxiously waiting for him to arrive. I made sure no one else would be home for this so they 1. wouldn't interfere and 2. wouldn't try to talk to me before he comes over.
The doorbell rings and I jump to attention, knowing whose at the door right now. I gather myself and open up for Marcus.
He comes in silently and I close the door behind him. I lead him to my room and sit down on the bed. He follows my lead and sits down next to me.
"Are you alright? Is something going on?" he asks, the wrinkles in his forehead appearing.
"No nothing's wrong, we just have to talk," I tell him, but that does anything but ease the look of worry on his face. If that my explaination only intensifies it.
"What about?" he asks, leaning closer, but I move away slightly. I can't be too close to him talking about this. I need rational.
"Are you still going to be my boyfriend after I leave?" I ask.
His worried expression fades, and his face relaxes into a small smile. Now I'm confused. How is he relaxed right now? I feel like my insides are exploding waiting for his response right now and he looks totally fine.
"I mean, I assumed I would be. I don't want to break up," he answers and the knot in my chest disappears instnatly. Wow, that was a whole lot easier than I was dreaming it up in my head.
"Oh," I sigh out, not sure how to answer him now. I smile a little, still wondering how this is playing out so nicely.
"Oh?" I look up and now he looks worried again. What's wrong?
"Do you not want that?" he asks, gently stroking my hair.
"No no I do!" I assure him, resting my arms around his neck. "I was just really nervous, and I was surprised by how relaxed you are."
He chuckles at himself and looks down at his shoes. "I guess it was wrong of me to assume we didn't need to talk about this. Like I said, I was assuming we were just going to make it work."
He looks back up at me with sad eyes. "Were you really nervous to talk to me about that? Why? You know I'd never want to break it off with you," he says anxiously.
"No one wants to break up, Marcus. I mean, look at Hannah and Aaron. They probably didn't want to break up, but they did because they felt the distance was too much," I say.
"Is that what Hannah told you?" he asks, and my eyebrow shoots up at his tone.
"Is that not what happened? I overheard her conversation with Mindy a few days ago. It made sense to me," I reply.
He shakes his head with a sad face. "No. Hannah told him she didn't want to be tied down through college. Obviously it's hard on both of them, but she didn't even want to try and make it work."
I'm shocked at what he told me. What Hannah had told Mindy was so different than what Aaron must have told Marcus.
"Do you think we'll make it?" I ask.
I remember almost two years ago, a girl I knew when I did cross country and her boyfriend seemed like the perfect pair. They were both in love and even had plans for their future. But then college came, and I suppose the inevitable happened. The distance got to them, and they broke up. I heard from someone else she had cried for days on end about it, but it wasn't working between them, even through facetime, texting and calling.
He takes me in his arms and sets me on his lap, my legs on either side of his body and my head resting on his shoulder.
"I think so. Do you?"
"It's hard to tell now. I love you, a lot, but sometimes love isn't enough," I reply, confessing one of my biggest insecurities right now.
"We'll make it work. I promise-"
"You can't promise anything now, Marucs. It's easy now because we're together, but when we're more than 1,000 miles apart neither of us will be thinking it's easy anymore." I interrupt him, but he can't be thinking for another second that he can make a promise like that to me. No matter if it works out or not he can't tell.
"Okay I won't promise that, then. But I'll promise I'll do whatever I can to keep you. I love you."
I'm full blown sobbing now. The ugly kind where you can do nothing but gasp and blow the snot coming out of your nose.
"I promise that too. I love you so much," I echo. I pull him into a much needed kiss to which he responds eagerly.
He slides his hands up and down my back, exploring every angle in my body. And for the first time ever his fingers shyly trace underneath my shirt, just above my beltline.
The more he touches the hotter I get, and I can't help myself from squirming on his lap which is so embarrassing but it's too hard to suppress at this point.
He groans from the movements and he moves me from his lap to on my back beneath him, another new thing. But I love it.
The only thing I don't like is that he's keeping his hips away from mine, and even when I raise up, he does as well, keeping us disconnected. He's also now keeping his hands off of me, beside my head to keep himself steady.
"Marcus," I breathe through my haze. "Touch me," I gasp out desperately.
I regret the words immediately when he pushes off of me and sits at the end of the bed.
I sit up as well, trying to push away the rejection filling my chest.
"Marcus?" I ask, pushing my now crazy hair down to rest on my scalp.
"Amanda, what are you asking for?" His voice is soft, and I'm taken aback by his question.
"What do you mean?" I scootch closer to him and hesitantly place my hand on his shoulder. Thankfully he doesn't move again.
"When you said touch me, what did you want?"
My mind goes a little foggy. What does he mean? All I wanted was for him to touch me. Maybe go a little further, but that was in the back of my mind, never really making it's way to the forefront.
"I wanted you to touch me. You stopped after you laid me down," I answer just as quietly.
"Did you want sex?" he asks, and now I'm taken completely off guard. What?
"What? No. I mean, if you touched me again and we got to that point I'd entertain the idea, but that's not what I meant!" I am so confused at this point.
"I'm sorry, I'm just bad at reading signals I guess. I didn't want to assume anything, and I didn't want to push too far and freak you out. When you were on my lap I started to..." He makes hand gestures to refer to himself. "And so that's why I didn't touch you. When you said to touch you I didn't know if you meant like we have been or if you wanted to go further. I can't tell the difference Amanda."
I hug him from behind. I didn't mean to make him so stressed out over this.
"It's okay Marcus, really. I would have told you if I thought we were going too far, trust me. But I can't read minds either, so just ask," I say.
"Do you ever want to?" he asks.
Oh God this is a hard question. On one hand there's nothing more I want, but on the other hand I'm so terrified of the idea I'm not sure the day will ever come that I'm ready.
"Some day," I answer slowly. I don't give a difinitive answer because honestly, I don't have one.
"I'll wait," he replies, then turns his head to kiss my forehead sweetly.
I lean into his touch and smile. I'm so lucky.