Epsilon Unit/Blood Gulch Cliff
To Grif standing on top of a cliff, near blue base with Leo standing behind him. For past couple hours, Grif has been yelling profanities at the blues non-stop.
Grif: (Yelling) Yeah you! You fucking piece of shit! You suck!
Down to the blues at blue base, Tucker comes walking up to Tex, Church, Zeta and Wade. (Minus Caboose)
Tucker: Jesus, is that guy still yelling?
Zeta: Yep, he's been at this all morning.
Tex: Hhhh, we know.
Wade: (Groans) Just make him stop.
Church: And how'm I gonna do that?
Tucker: Shoot him with your snipe-
A tremor occurs.
Tucker: Ah, never mind, I realized how stupid that sounded as soon as I started to say it.
Back up to Grif and Leo on the cliff. Simmons approaches Leo from behind, as Grif continues to yell in the background.
Simmons: What are you guys doing up here? Your supposed to be working on your part of the plan?
Leo: Well, I did try to build a bomb, but there wasn't enough materials to even start one. But, then Grif said he had a plan so, he came up here and just started yelling at the blues... he's been at it since morning.
Grif: (Yelling) Hey, Blues, you still suck! Yeah, you! You fucking piece of shit! You suck!
Leo: Surprised, he's been able to go on for this long.
Simmons walks up to Grif and taps him on the shoulder.
Simmons: Grif, what the hell are you doing?
Grif turns around facing Simmons and Leo.
Grif: I'm working on our part of the plan.
Simmons: By yelling at the blues?
Grif: Well, Yeah. Leo said something about not being able to make one and I don't know really to.
Simmons: Yeah, I know that, you don't know how to do anything.
Leo: So, why is yelling at the blues going to help with our plan?
Grif: Because by yelling at the Blues - You guys still suck! - until I make them mad enough to bomb our base - Idiots! - So, not only will they make me a bomb, I'll get them to deliver it. For free. You guys are lame, I hate you!
Grif finishes saying to Leo and Simmons, while he yelled at the blues.
Leo: That... actually sounds like a decent plan.
Grif: I know, right!
Simmons: It's the most sensible part of this plan I've heard so far. Your years of laziness have finally paid off in full, Private Grif.
Grif: Thank you very much, Private Simmons. Now if you'll excuse me, somebody needs to be called a cunt.
Simmons: As you were soldier.
Simmons leaves them be and heads back to towards red base direction.
Grif: Hey you! Yeah, you! You dumb cunts! You suck!
Tremor begins...
Grif: Hey up there, what're you talking about? Huh Blue? Are you talking about how bad you suck?
...tremor ends
Grif: Because that's what I'm doin'! I'm talking about it right here, only louder! Way louder! Because I'm yelling Bluueee Teeeaam suuuucks!
Leo looks down at the blues and notices something.
Leo: Uuh, Grif you may want to take a step back.
Grif: Pffft, why? It's not like there going to shoot-
Suddenly, a rocket explodes against the cliff, just below where Grif's standing and makes him jump back with a yelp.
Wade: (Distance) Dammit! I missed him!
Leo: That's why.
Grif walks back over to the edge.
Grif: HA! You guys missed me! Why're all you guys so, sad? Is it because you suck so bad? I think it might be!
Back down to the blues, Tex is fuming with anger. Wade is pointing his rocket launcher at the cliff, while loading another rocket into it.
Tex: That's it, I'm taking those fuckers out! Caboose, get my toolkit.
Tex runs off. while Caboose goes to do what she said.
Grif: Woohoo! Success.
Leo: Yes, yes great job! Let's get out of here, now before they start shooting more rockets at us!
They both flee away towards red base.
Blue Base
Some time later, everyone is gathered around a bomb on the grass.
Church: What the hell is that?
Wade: It looks like a bomb.
Tex: Your right on that. You guys had an unused robot kit, so I used the parts from it to make this bad boy.
Church: Oh, robot kit, right. We don't need that now because, I never died. That makes sense.
Caboose: Right. That was Andersmith's job.
Church: Stop it.
Tucker: This thing doesn't look like a bomb. It looks like a basketball.
Andy: Oh yeah? Well you don't look much like a soldier, dickhead.
Tucker: Looks like a basketball, sounds like a fucking asshole. Great.
Zeta: Why is it talking, Tex?
Tex: I had to include the voice synthesizer because it had the power unit. So, now it can talk.
Andy: In other words, you want me to blow stuff up, you're gonna have to blow me first.
Zeta: And I already hate him.
Wade: Yeah, he's got quite a potty mouth.
Tex: What do you expect? He's a bomb. You want him to be polite, or you want him to kill stuff?
Tucker: I just want him to shut up.
Andy: Anybody care what I want? How 'bout Tucker's mother? Polishing me, twenty four-
Tucker: Fuck this, I'm out.
Tucker starts to head inside of blue base.
Andy: Out- just like I got outta your sister!
Tucker: Hey, fuck you bowling ball!
Tex: Okay, let's plant this bad boy.
Andy: Yeah, let's go!
Church: Hey uh, don't forget to lift with your legs Tex.
Tex: Yeah, I know how to lift jackass. I've been carrying this team the entire time I've been here.
Tucker: I know I said I was leaving, but that was actually a really good burn. Zing!
Wade: Well just so, you know. I can carry myself pretty fine, thank you very much!
Red Base
To the reds standing out side of red base, lined up in front of Sarge.
Sarge: Men, today is the day that will carry us to victory! Against the planet.
Simmons: You can't fight a planet!
Leo: (Sighs) There's no point in arguing about anymore.
Sarge: Now I know there's been "nay-sayers" along the way, but thankfully we haven't listened to Simmons. We stuck to the plan. Donut, do we have our drilling spot?
Donut: Ready for action, Sir!
Sarge: Excellent! Now you two, is the bomb ready?
Leo: It uuuh, should be here...
Leo looks at Grif for an answer.
Grif: ...any minute by now?
Sarge: Perfect. And here's our drilling machine, that will take us to the center of the Earth! ...-like planet!
Right, next to Sarge is a big drill, pointing towards the ground.
Donut: Wooow, it's huge! You built that?
Sarge: You know it.
Simmons: Sarge, even I have to admit that that's pretty amazing.
Grif: You know what's even more amazing? None of us saw it until he pointed it out to us.
Leo: You would think we would of seen that... strange.
Sarge: Thanks, it took a lot of work and planning. I almost didn't get it done.
Simmons: Where did you even get the materials to build this?
Sarge: I mined them using my excavator. That one.
On Sarge's left side, is an enormous excavator.
Donut: What?
Leo: Ok! How did none of us see this!?
Simmons: How did you build that?
Sarge: I didn't. I ordered it online. Red Army Catalog.
Simmons: But why didn't we just- hh, you know what, never mind.
Grif: Once again I have to say, none of us saw that until he pointed it out.
Leo: This is some voodoo magic, am telling yeah.
Sarge: Alright men, it's time to put up, or shut up. Let's do this. Grif, Leo, we're gonna need that bomb.
Suddenly, an invisible figure rams by them, before taken off.
Grif: Uh, yeah, I uh, just- uh, give us a minute...
Sarge: Don't tell me that you two didn't-
???: Heh ahem. Hi there.
Laying at their feet is the bomb Andy that Tex built.
Grif: Ye'all right, there we go. One bomb as requested. You're welcome.
Sarge: Hah ha, great! I take back all the things I ever said about you Grif.
Grif: My pleasure Sir.
Andy: Tick! Tick! Tick! Tick!
Sarge: Wuhhh, why is this bomb ticking?
Leo: Oh, shit.
Andy continues ticking.
Grif: Oh right, I didn't think that part of the plan through all the way I guess. Uh, we're all gonna die now.
Leo: (Quickly) Sarge, I had nothing to do with this. It was all, Grif here.
Grif: You traitor!
Sarge: Grif, I take back the takin' back.
The End
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